REALEST OF THE WEEK

We take back every bad thing we've ever said about Chad Johnson.

Get ready to see a lot more of the photo below: The man just officially changed his name to "Ocho Cinco" just to shove it up Roger Goodell's uptight ass. Let's just say we now have a clear favorite for Realest of the Year.

REALESTDAMUS' COLLEGE FB PREDICTIONS

Kickoff isn't even 24 hours away and we're already popcorning in our apartment.

Is it just us, or are you not even more excited for this season of Michigan football than '07? Yeah, we were national title contenders but the attitude was A) Let's hope Lloyd doesn't screw this up (he did) and B) Let's just go straight to the Ohio State game.

Now there's just this nervous energy like before starting college, having no idea what to expect. We could completely fall on our face or the spread could operate like clockwork from the beginning and we put up 50 on Utah (not likely, but you know somewhere deep down inside - in a place even Lloyd Carr couldn't turn to pessimism - you're holding out hope for this to happen).

All we know is that the Big House is going to absolutely nuts (or as nuts as the Big House gets) tomorrow at 3:30. Hype it.

To pass the time until then, take a look into the future with our college football predictions (need we remind you of our previous projections???):

ACC winner: Clemson
Big East winner: USF
Big 10 winner: Ohio St.
Big 12 winner: Missouri
SEC winner: Georgia
Pac-10 winner: USC
Heisman Winner: RB Beanie Wells
Rose Bowl: USC vs. Wisconsin
Sugar Bowl: USF vs. Florida
Fiesta Bowl: Missouri vs. Auburn
Orange Bowl: Clemson vs. Oklahoma
BCS Title Game: Ohio State vs. Georgia
National Champion: Georgia
Michigan's Record: 6-6
Sleeper: Arizona
Super Sleeper: Temple
Ov-er Ra-ted!: Texas
2009 NFL Draft No. 1 Overall Pick: QB Tim Tebow
Date Greg Robinson is fired (spare the kitties!!!!): Thanksgiving Day

2008 BIG TEN PREVIEW: OHIO ST.

Rome wasn't built in a day. And neither was the Realests' Big Ten Preview. It took us two months, but we finally conclude this year's conference breakdown with - who else? - THE Ohio State University. But first, let's take a look back:

11. Minnesota
10. Indiana
9. Iowa
8. Northwestern
7. Purdue
6. Michigan
5. Penn St.
4. Michigan St.
3. Illinois
2. Wisconsin


2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 11-2 (7-1)
Projected 2008 Finish: 1st
Returning Starters: 18
Head Coach: Jim Tressel
Best Player: RB Beanie Wells

Good News:

- Where do we begin with this team? How about the defense, which is absolutely LOADED with NFL talent. It wouldn't even have been fair if Vernon Gholston had returned for his senior year. James Laurinaitis came back despite being a top 15 pick in last year's draft, forcing us to hear his name roll off Brett Musberger's tongue for another year. He and CB Malcolm Jenkins should both go in the top 10 next year. And the pass rush? The Bucks lose Gholston but still have freak of nature (and son of "Ironhead") Cameron Heyward and the much-hyped Lawrence Wilson. It's a toss up between OSU and USC for best defense in the country.

- After struggling with a fumbling problem freshman year, Beanie Wells morphed into Jim Brown last year. The guy's an absolute truck at 240 pounds and still has the speed to pull away from the entire Michigan defense. A Heisman is certainly within reach if he stops pretending to limp off the field after every play.

- Jim Tressel never gets enough credit for the offensive guru he is. He always knows exactly how much he can ask out of his players and caters to the team's strengths. After employing a spread offense around Troy Smith in 2005, OSU went back to Tresselball last year due to replacing all of the unit's skill players. They still kept lighting up the scoreboard. Unfortunately Todd Boeckman's ineptitude couldn't be hidden any longer against LSU.

- The entire offensive line is on anabolic steroids. The smallest guy? Center Jim Cordle, who's just 6-4 and 300 pounds. The left side is especially massive with LG Steve Rehring (6-7, 335) And LT Alex Boone (6-8, 312) setting up shop.

- Believe all the hype around Terrell Pryor. Just like Tim Tebow's freshman year, defensive coordinators will let out a huge sigh of relief every time he exits for the starter.

- Good solid role players pretty much all around. Brian Robiskie and Brian Hartline are very quietly one of the Big 10's best WR combos. The special teams are solid, though not spectacular. LB Marcus Freeman would be the star linebacker on almost any other team and their no-name safeties (Kurt Coleman and Anderson Russell) - though they played like poop vs. LSU - would get lots more pub if they could hang onto an INT (0 last season).

Not-So-Good News:

- Did anyone see Rivals.com's list of "fatal flaws" for the best teams in the country? They list Ohio State's as wide receiver. Um, apparently no one there watched Todd Boeckman play. We don't care if he was First Team Big Ten and is getting hype as a first-day draft pick. The guy was completely exposed down the stretch. He basically scored 14 points for Michigan State, stunk up the joint with three picks vs. Illinois and got rag-dolled by the entire LSU defense by holding onto the ball longer than John Navarre (we'll never get tired of this play).

- Of course Tressel has it all under wraps, but starting CB Donald Washington and reserve safety Jamario O'Neal are suspended for the first two games. Word on the street is a failed drug test. Considering Steve Bellisari missed just one game for blowing a .22 behind the wheel, we're guessing they messed up pretty bad.

- 117th in kickoff returns? That's not Jim Tressel football!

- Defensive tackles Doug Worthington and Todd Denlinger don't do much else other than fill space.

- The BCS Title Game choke factor. After falling behind 17-10 to LSU, OSU had acid flashbacks of the '07 title game and completely packed it in. If they get to the national title game, the pressure on this team will be suffocating and after the first mistake everyone will be thinking, "Not again..."

Realety:

You've got to like Ohio State over USC at this point. They throttled Texas in Austin (2005) and Washington in Seattle ('06) - granted, the Huskies turned out to suck - and you never know which team Pete Carroll will show up with. Figuratively and literally. Half of the USC roster is hurt.

And though the Bucks have to face Wisconsin and Illinois on the road, we don't see either upset happening. Wisconsin's offense won't do jack against the Bucks and no chance Ron Zook outcoaches Jim Tressel two years in a row. Other than that, it's pretty much a cakewalk for OSU to its third straight BCS Title Game (barring a '69-style upset by Big Blue!).

So yeah, we've got the Bucks playing for the national title - again. The choke factor will be working against them, but there's no way OSU gets blown out again with this experienced of a defense. Another brain fart from Boeckman is much more likely to cost OSU the title unless Tressel sacks up and starts splitting playing time with Pryor 50-50.

2008 BIG TEN PREVIEW: WISCONSIN

We're still shell-shocked from the Willie Williams ruling, but we're pushing through to finish our Big Ten Preview. Willie would have wanted it that way. Up next, the slow-but-steady Wisconsin Badgers:

2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 9-4 (5-3)
Projected 2008 Finish: 2nd
Returning Starters: 17
Head Coach: Brett Bielema
Best Player: TE Travis Beckum

Good News:

- After getting waxed in Columbus and Happy Valley last year (combined score: 76-24), the Badgers get Ohio St. and Penn St. at Camp Randall, where the Badgers are 24-1 since 2004. Michigan fans, this is the best chance for the Buckeyes to lose in conference in '08.

- Though QB is a question mark, Allen Evridge can't ask for a better situation: A massive O-line returning four starters, a ridiculous stable of running backs (P.J. Hill, Zach Brown, John Clay) and one of the best tight ends in the country, Travis Beckum.

- How does Wisconsin keep churning out these backs? P.J. Hill is in the Ron Dayne-mold at 230 pounds and good luck bringing those stumpy legs down: the dude squats 615 pounds, even more than the Great Dayne.

- The front seven returns six starters and is rock solid. They don't have any future stars over here, just a bunch of guys like DE Matt Shaughnessy that get the job done right.

- We like Brett Bielema. After winning 13 games in 2006, Bielema wasn't afraid to bust some heads after slipping a little in '07. He fired his defensive coordinator Mike Hankwitz, completely shifting the blame onto his assistant when he's supposed to be the defensive guru. Yeah, that scores major points with us.

- The players no longer need to hide their Xboxes on the road now that Jack Ikegwuonu bolted early for the NFL!

Not-So-Good News:

- What the hell was Barry Alvarez thinking scheduling Fresno St. on the road, especially after getting embarrassed at home by Pat Hill in 2001? Wisconsin should have found a way to back out of this one, as Fresno is the WAC's top team and full of veterans.

- Before transferring to Wisco from Kansas State, Evridge started six games in 2005 for the Wildcats. The result? Under 50-percent passing, 6 TDs and 7 picks. That includes a 5-27 performance against Nebraska. Not much is asked of a Badger QB, but running will be mighty tough with 8 guys in the box.

- They lose both starting WRs Luke Swan and Paul Hubbard, which isn't a big deal in itself. Those guys should have been playing in the MAC and were hurt half the season. But unless Nick Toon plays like his father or another sophomore steps up big-time, this is one of the worst Big 10 receiving corps.

- Quality backup RB Lance Smith got the boot for a series of transgressions starting with stealing his girlfriend's shoes. Does anyone else picture him like Chris Elliott from There's Something About Mary?

- Ikegwuonu did have an outstanding 15 passes broken up and would have been among this year's elite CBs with Malcolm Jenkins and Vontae Davis. Instead, he made a terrible decision to go pro and was picked No. 141 after busting his knee at the Combine. Then again, this guy doesn't exactly have sound decision-making.

Realety:

Let's be clear: Wisconsin is not nearly in the same class as Ohio State. We're picking them No. 2 in the Big Ten because they're very experienced and have few major flaws. They got the nod over Illinois solely based on the fact their coach isn't Ron Zook.

That being said, Bo Schembechler would love the 2008 Badgers. It's going to be a lot smash-mouth football on both sides of the ball. The Badgers are going to run the ball down people's throat this year and don't be surprised if they pass 2,500 yards on the ground this year.

We can't get over the Fresno St. game. With at Michigan, Ohio St. and Penn St. on the other side of a bye, the Badgers first month-and-a-half is brutal. And for some odd reason their last game is against Cal Poly. Was Alvarez drunk again when he put this thing together?

The Badgers love Central Florida (four straight trips) and we see them headed back there for the holidays.

THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF WILLIE WILLIAMS

Update: Uh, whoops. Guess that was a little premature. As for the NCAA: How could you, you bastards?! Myles, we will never forgive you for this...

Oh what a glorious day! We've been like a brother to Willie Williams over the last couple, turbulent years.

Needless to say, when we opened up the New York Times today and saw a feature on 2W, we immediately howled "Anything's possibullllll!!!!!!!!" and woke our entire building.

As first reported by us, Willie is slummin' it this year at D-II Glenville State College after getting the boot from Louisville last year. But you'll be happy to know Willie spirit's are high, and that his sense of humor is still firmly intact with gems like these:

On going to Glenville: "Maybe Willie Williams needed a small town to stay focused."

On being free of distractions: "It’s just keeping me focused. There’s not a lot of distractions and everything so that makes it even better. The community and everything are helping hands. I told you, I be feeling like Rocky."

On seeing Glenville for the first time: "The road was just winding. It was like some real TV stuff to me. I was like, ‘Are you serious?’ When I saw everything, I was just like, ‘Willie, is that what you want to do?' "

OK, he's lost a little bit of his magic from high school but we're very relieved to see Willie still refers to himself in the third person.

As we always end these posts: Hang in there Big Willie Style!

THE HOTTEST WAG IN THE WORLD!!!

We've never been satisfied with the status quo here at The Realests.

And let's be real: Our blogging is a little formulaic. Ridiculous spots news item or Lil' Wayne lyric + Snarky comment = Post.

So we've decided to flip the script with a contest to decide the hottest Athlete "Wife and Girlfriend" IN THE WORLD, the likes of which no one has had the audacity to complete before (we're not counting this hatchet-job).

That's right, we're taking our creepiness to a whole new level.

Original? No. But we don't give a rat's ass. And since when do you need a reason to look at hot babes?

You know the drill: 65 teams, NCAA Tournament style to decide the champion. We are still in the process of "researching" the candidates, so feel free to send in your submissions (the bigger the find, the better - like Deepika Padukone.)

Just to give you a little tease, we're already releasing the #1 seeds for the tournament:

Cheryl Cole (pictured, and recently voted the hottest British WAG), Gisele Bundchen, Adriana Lima and Elin Woods.

We're officially announcing this to put the world on notice for what we anticipate will be an international voting frenzy. If anyone steals our idea in the meantime, we will snap. Thank you.

2008 BIG TEN PREVIEW: ILLINOIS

We know, we know. We were WAY off on Illinois last year. Sue us for underestimating Ron Zook. Apparently coke and hookers are more important to college football success these days than actual coaching. We aren't making the same mistake this year:

2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 9-4 (6-2)
Projected 2008 Finish: 3rd
Returning Starters: 13
Head Coach: Ron Zook
Best Player: CB Vontae Davis

Good News:

- The D certainly has plenty of talent. Vernon's little bro - CB Vontae Davis - is a top-10 pick in the 2009 Draft, DE Will Davis is a beast and LB Martez Wilson is being compared to Simeon Rice (Woah there Ms. Lippy...).

- Excuse me, could you point "Marcus" Arrelious Benn in the direction of The Gun Show??? The Big Ten Freshman of the Year is the prototypical NFL wideout and led the team in receptions last year (54). Look for his TDs to explode this year after just two in 2007.

- Ron Zook has D.C.-area recruiting in a choke-hold. Zook's three most talented players: Vontae Davis, Will Davis and Arrelious Benn all hail from the Beltway. It's ridiculous. He's like the white Marion Barry. And make no mistake: Ron Zook will be caught smoking crack cocaine.

- Juice Williams looked like Charlie Ward in last year's Ohio State game, tossing 4 TDs and running wild. Now a 3-year starter, Illinois has a huge leg up on its first two Big Ten opponents - Penn State and Michigan.

- Daniel Dufrene sure looked like a capable back-up during his 80-yard run to the house vs. Ohio State - at least until he coughed the ball up on the goal line.

Not-So-Good News:

- First game against No. 6 Missouri? Good luck with that.

- After completely shutting down Ohio State in the Horseshoe, Illinois embarrassed the entire Big Ten in the Rose Bowl, getting trampled by USC for 344 rushing yards. We think the D is legit, but we'll find in a hurry with Missouri up first. In case you missed it, it was basically the 2002 Citrus Bowl...

- ... And starting defensive tackle Sirod Williams was just lost for the season with a busted knee. That can't help.

- Lost in all the Juice Williams hype toward the end of last season is the fact he still can't hit the broad side of a barn. The Illini pass offense was 109th in the country - one spot ahead of Notre Dame. Yorp. And Juice had just one more passing TD than INT (13-12). Of course last year he could just hand off to robo-back Rashard Mendenhall. That won't fly with the pint-sized Dufrene in the backfield.

- Ron Zook is extremely dim-witted. Don't let Brent Musburger tell you otherwise. Exhibit A: He called the school "Illi-noise" at his introductory press conference! True story. Exhibit B: In his four bowl games, Zook has been outscored 151-71. It really does make us sick to think he is the reigning Big Ten Coach of the Year. (Oh yeah, and he's a prick. Rasheezy knows what we're talking about.)

- J Leman - All-American middle linebacker, mullet aficionado, Superhero - is gone. He will be missed by all.

Realety:

Man, we really took a turn to Negativetown there didn't we? We're still a little bitter about Zook spoiling last year's season preview. If you think he's a disaster in bowl games, wait until you see what he cooked up over the last 8 months. Missouri just has too many weapons for Illinois to pull another shocker out of its ass.

On the bright side, we do see the Illini beating Penn State and Michigan on the road and entering the Wisconsin game at 6-1. But playing in Madison is brutal and there's no way they creep up on Ohio State again. In the end, it should be good enough for another New Year's Day bowl game (Our guess: Capital One Bowl. Eat your heart out Michigan fans). Then the wild man gets to hit the recruiting trail again!

REALEST OF THE WEEK

As they say at Yost, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, see ya!" Go straight to the 0:27 mark:



Update: How hilarious is it that as of 6:30 PM ET, Tiki is still chatting it up on MSNBC probably thinking to himself, "Maybe nobody noticed..."? Yeah, right.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

How did it take so long for us to stumble upon this gem from "Love Me or Hate Me"? We don't know either:

"I swear the other day I pissed Cristal."

The thing is, Weezy is so brain-dead these days from cough syrup we wouldn't be surprised if someone found him passed out on a bathroom stall trying to drink his own urine.

BTW, how clutch would it have been to piss Cristal while you were waiting in the keg line at the frats?

A NEW LOW FOR THE NEW YORK POST

We thought it was pretty outrageous a couple weeks ago when the New York Post doubled its price to 50 cents a day with its actual value barely hovering above that of toilet paper.

Well of all the mistakes we've caught in this paper, THIS has to be the worst. From their front page article about Michael Phelps posing for SI with his 8 gold medals, continued on pg. 8:

"This one being the first (photo) of him with all eight medals, we hope that our cover will stick in everyone's mind," SI's managing editor Terry McDonell said yesterday.

Phelps' pose is reminiscent of the well-known 1972 photograph of Spitz with his seven gold medals draped across his chest.

Phelps, who also beats Spitz, 5-3, on the number of SI covers on which he's featured, posed in front of a bright-red Chinese screen.

"This one being the first (photo) of him with all eight medals, we hope that our cover will stick in everyone's mind," McDonell said.

Wait, are you serious?

There is a slight possibility McDonell has no short-term memory or is a malfunctioning droid, but our guess is the Post just repeated the same quote within the same 3 lines.

Oyser vey.

SOMEONE STOP KEVIN MCHALE

The man has already costs the T'Wolves three first-round draft picks for Joe freakin' Smith, gift-wrapped Kevin Garnett to his old franchise for an NBA title and lost his mind in the last NBA Draft (If McHale really loved Love so much, why risk the the future of the franchise on getting Mike Miller too???).

But now apparently Minnesota has applied to play in the WNBA with these new uniforms (hey, that's Seimone Augustus' number!). Click here for the equally disastrous home jerseys. Fitting, since Mike Miller could actually be mistaken for a woman these days.

He's not the Best GM in Sports for nothing, folks.

2008 BIG TEN PREVIEW: MICHIGAN ST.

We hear you, people: "State finishing 4th?! Are you f***** kiddin' me?!" Never underestimate the evil of Jim Tressel - or his former assistants. Mark Dantonio might not be an X's and O's genius, but for once we're calling on Sparty to be an overachiever with Tresselball's blueprint of minimizing turnovers and penalties:


2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 7-6 (3-5)
Projected 2008 Finish: 4th
Returning Starters: 13
Head Coach: Mark Dantonio
Best Player: RB Javon Ringer

Good News:

- Mel Kiper is calling Ringer the top senior running back in the country (Ian Johnson, anyone?). We're not sure how Javizzle is going to handle the pounding of the NFL, but the guy's got speed to burn and he'll run laps around crappy Big Ten D's - see his 200-yd performance vs. Indiana last year.

- Aside from his dog-shit performance in the Champs Sports Bowl (14-36, 4 INT), QB Brian Hoyer was a pleasant surprise for the Spartans and developed into the high efficiency quarterback needed for Tresselball.

- In one year MSU went from the John L. Smith circus show to one of the most disciplined teams in the country (12th fewest penalties, T-18 fewest turnovers per game). Big ups to Dan the Man on that one.

- Sparty needs to catch a break this year after losing all six games by 7 points or less. MSU raised some eyebrows only losing to OSU by a touchdown, then had devastating back-to-back losses - a double-overtime heartbreaker against Iowa and a classic choke job vs. Michigan. And coming from the Tressel Coaching Tree, who knows what kind of voodoo magic Dantonio has up his sleeve.

- Opening at Cal is probably a loss. But after that, State has a very serious shot at entering the Ohio State game on Oct. 18 at 6-1. If they get on a roll early and build some confidence, watch out.

- True freshman WR Fred Smith is an absolute beast at 240 pounds and could have the same impact of "Marcus" Arrelious Benn did for Illinois last year.

Not-So-Good News:

- Walking everywhere with their arms interlocked? Really lame.

- There are a lot of holes to fill on offense. One-year wonder Devin Thomas bolted for the NFL and they'll sorely miss the bruising style of RB Jehuu Caulcrick and TE Kellen Davis, especially on the goal line. State's two starting wideouts are Mark Dell and Deon Curry, not to be confused with Dell Curry. Though MSU would probably rather have him.

- The defense was only marginally better than the 2006 squad. Dantonio gets a free pass after overhauling John L.'s ridiculous 4-2-5 formation. The D-line is especially questionable. We'll see just how good a defensive coordinator Dantonio is with this no-name crew.

- Many of these players are still a little messed up in the head from the John L. debacle. It was painfully obvious during the Michigan game that they knew they were going to choke. What will happen this year when they get into a close game?

Realety:

How pathetic is it that Jim Tressel has us so freaked out we're even afraid of his old assistants? Very. But Michigan State was so close to a much better season and with senior leadership in the backfield, we picture Sparty as this year's Illinois.

Expect an absolute monster year from Javon Ringer, especially in the early-going. He had 1450 yards last season. Expect closer to 2,000 with the rag-tag D's MSU faces this year.

In the past, the wheels would have gone careening off the walls in this three-week stretch: Ohio St., at Michigan and Wisconsin. All they have to do is win one of those games (preferably Michigan) and it will be considered a success. Not only that, they could be on the verge of a 10-win season entering their bowl game.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Today's Weezy F. Baby thought of the day is brought to you by Robitussin:

"We are not the same, I am an alien.
Like Gonzalez, young college student.
Who done just flipped the game, like Houston."

Is Weezy:

A) Witty enough to flip "Elian" for "Alien"?
B) Think Elian's actual name is "Alien"?
C) Actually believe the kid is from another planet?

Judging by this video, who can be certain?



On a side note, all posts on our site will now read "Realests blog (fill in blank)" repeated over and over again. Enjoy.

2008 BIG TEN PREVIEW: PENN ST.

Greg Schiano would be proud of us. Despite getting doused with Haterade over our tardiness, we just keep choppin' away at the Big Ten Preview. Kind of like Wisconsin LB DeAndre Levy chopped away at Joe Paterno's kneecap in 2006. How Paterno isn't still in a wheelchair is beyond us. Anyway, on with the preview:


2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 9-4 (4-4)
Projected 2008 Finish: 5th
Returning Starters: 17
Head Coach: Joe Paterno
Best Player: DE Maurice Evans

Good News:

- How do we put this gently? Anthony Morrelli didn't exactly live up to expectations at Penn St. Definitely addition by subtraction at QB.

- With all five starters returning, Penn State has the best O-line in the Big Ten. Which is good, since Paterno has 0 offensive creativity. C A.Q. Shipley and G Stefen Wisniewski are both studs.

- The defense is still solid despite the loss of LB Sean Lee to injury and the dismissal of DLs Phil Taylor and Chris Baker - which was handled atrociously by the way. Maurice Evans looks like the next Courtney Brown at DE. S Anthony Scirrotto is stellar as well - when he's not brawling with the student body.

Not-So-Good News:

- Why does everyone assume that a black QB running the spread (Daryll Clark, though Pat Devlin will also see PT) will duplicate Michael Robinson's 2005 season? At best, it's just idiotic. At worst, it's racist. Clark has some serious wheels - as he displayed in last year's Alamo Bowl - but has a highly suspect arm.

- There hasn't been a more disappointing Big Ten player than Derrick Williams since Ohio State's Mike D'Andrea. With all the hype about his explosive speed, he averaged under 10 yards per catch last year. This guy was talking about going pro out of high school! Four years later, he'll be lucky to get taken on the first day.

- The next Great White Hype from Penn State - LB Sean Lee - is out for the year with a knee injury. Dan Connor is in the NFL. At least for this year, "Linebacker U" it ain't. And CB Justin King's foolish decision to jump to the NFL won't help either.

- Entering his 43rd year, Paterno's brain could instantly form into mush at any point during the season and render the man a vegetable.

- This team's had more off-the-field issues than Iowa. Another incident would throw the athletic department into full-out crisis mode and players will be getting kicked off the team left and right.

Realety:

People are hyping Penn State as a Big Ten darkhorse with a return to the spread offense and another stout defense. We're not buying it.

The Nittany Lions are average in every sense of the word and don't have a single offensive player that scares you. The nonconference slate is stuffed with PSU's usual cupcakes, but Oregon State could very easily win in Happy Valley and have people calling for Paterno's head by mid-September.

Their Big Ten schedule is an absolute killer, starting out with Illinois, at Purdue, at Wisconsin, Michigan and at Ohio State. They stand no chance of beating the Badgers or Buckeyes on the road and while they should beat Michigan, they haven't actually done it in over a decade.

But of course PSU will rally at the end, put up another decent showing in the Alamo Bowl, buy Joe Paterno another year, and then repeat the process all over again in 2009. Get hyped PSU fans!

SASHA V. ALICIA

How has no one drawn the Sasha Cohen-Alicia Sacramone comparison?

Do we have to do everything around here?!?!

Both were poised to be on a Wheaties box and rake in millions of endorsements until they choked away the gold. Well we here at The Realests were nice enough to think of a consolation prize: the title of Hottest Olympic Goat.

So which do you prefer: the Rachel Bilson look-alike or Kristen Cavallari clone?

Vote now. Or die.

SASHA



ALICIA

RETURN OF THE BIG ERRISTOTLE

We don't normally recommend other blogs, because 99.9% of them are crap.

But while scanning the blogosphere we found something definitely worthy of your blogroll:

eastern-hemisphere.blogspot.com

Never heard of it? Well brace yourself because it's Josh Moore's blog. That's right, the same Josh Moore that's cousins with Shaquille O'Neal and did more hacking in his time at UM than a lumberjack.

Yes, we were also surprised Josh Moore is literate.

"Big J" - as he likes to be called - actually has quite the interesting site and is the self-proclaimed "world's largest social commentator." He blogs about everything from international peace to the death of Bernie Mac and even has a segment called "Clown Status!" that resembles the "Realest of the Week".

Apparently Josh Moore got really involved in politics while playing overseas in Iran (we're assuming there are no fouls in this country). The Wall Street Journal even profiled this guy!

Now back in the States, Big J is coaching high school hoops and appears to be back in school.

Good for Josh. He was a terrible basketball player and symbolized everything that was wrong with Michigan hoops (remember the hype around this guy?), but he's a genuinely nice guy and got a great sense of humor.

BTW, anyone know of Avery Queen's whereabouts?

Anyway, we are currently in the process of trying to collaborate for a Josh Moore Q&A.

Stay tuned...

WATCH YOUR BACK, T. BOONE

When it comes to boosters, T. Boone Pickens and Phil Knight are like LeBron and Kobe: There's them - and then there's everybody else.

T. Boone once donated $165 mil to Oklahoma State and had people talking about him offering Bill Self $10M a year to lure him to Stillwater.

Knight, on the other hand, is like an evil dictator - eliminating anyone who gets in his way (as detailed here) and destroying college athletics one horrible uniform at a time.

But like Paul Pierce, Stephen M. Ross has been hiding in the cut and is now laying his claim to the throne.

If you haven't noticed, the real estate billionaire has thrown down some serious coin on his alma mater lately (FYI, he's best known for developing NYC's Time Warner Center in Columbus Circle, which leaves his net worth just a tad short of our blog's).

Consider:

- He donated $100 million dollars to the B-School in 2004 just to have them knock the whole thing down, build it back up and rename it after him. Just a thought, but maybe some of that money could have gone to a more important cause - like the Frieze Building. It is the largest gift in school history.

- Spent another $5 mil to have the athletes' academic center named after him. Only 5 mil, Stevie Wonder? That's chump change.

- Dropped another $5 mil for the Michigan Stadium expansion. How many luxury boxes do you think 5 million dollars gets you? And that doesn't even include the cost of his private helipad atop the new press box!

- Was the co-chair of The Michigan Difference, a $2.5 billion fund-raising campaign by UM that just-so-happened to reach its goal in May 2007, 19 months before deadline. Wonder how that happened...

- Serves as part of the "Director's Cabinet" in the Athletic Department. In other words, he's Bill Martin's Sugar Daddy. Hey, what exactly does Bill Martin need a cabinet for again?

- Bought 50% of his childhood team, the Miami Dolphins, for $550 million in February. The Michigan Business School and the Miami Dolphins. Can you piss your money away on two more worse things? Oh and he drafts Jake Long and Chad Henne to be the building blocks of his franchise. Just imagine the Miami War Room when Mike Hart went to the Colts: "Parcells, you son of a bitch! This franchise is ruined! Ruined, I tell you!!!!!!"

We're going out on a limb and saying Stevie chipped into the Dick Rod buyout fund as well.

So yeah, he's been pretty good to us. And if he's getting old and wants to leave his legacy by getting every building on campus named after him, more power to him.

Who knows what he's got in mind next. Our guess? Two words: Ross Arena.

Editor's Note: The Realests will be out of town starting Thursday, so you'll have to head elsewhere for all the latest Brett Favre news!

POP QUIZ, FOOLS

We get a lot of so-called "Michigan fans" on this site. We'll see about that.

After throwing you a couple softballs on these quizzes, it's time for a real brain-buster that puts Jake Long's career in perspective for you:

Q. As has been oft-repeated, Jake Long was called for 2 penalties and allowed 2 sacks during his Michigan career. Name the year and opponent for each miscue.

The first person to guess correctly gets a free Michigan Cato June jersey and a $10 gift certificate to his favorite place in Ann Arbor - Cava Java!

Editor's Note: Two down, two to go. And no, we're not going to tell you which two are right. Is this the best you've got?

Editor's Note #2: Once again we've challenged our readers and been blown away by your response. Honestly, we didn't even know who the holding call was against during Long's freshman year, but you've convinced us, DH. Is that short for Daniel Horton by the way? You always were a Michigan Man...

2008 BIG TEN PREVIEW: MICHIGAN

We just threw up in our mouths. We hate to piss on everyone's parade, but the expectations for Dick Rod's first year are outrageous. Sporting News has us ranked No. 18 in the country despite losing the entire offense to the NFL (or Ohio State... you rat bastard!). Sorry folks, but we anticipate serious growing pains this year:

2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 9-4 (6-2)
Projected 2008 Finish: 6th
Returning Starters: 12
Head Coach: Rich Rodriguez
Best Player: ??????

Good News:

- Our offense just went from 1978 to 2008.

- We loved Lloyd Carr the man, but the coach was average at best. That doesn't cut it at Michigan. Fearing the worst, we went out and got one of the top 5 coaches in the country - although it took Dick Rod calling up Martin himself to get an interview. Either way, let's just come out and say it: We all expect to be competing for the national title by 2010. No pressure, though.

- The defensive line returns completely intact. We aren't big on Will Johnson (how do we always end up with these big oafish white dudes?), but the rest of the line is loaded with talent. Coming off 8.5 sacks last year, the sky is the limit for Brandon Graham.

- A year after declaring them a disaster, corner is one of our strengths this year (we're not sure if that's a good thing). Morgan Trent went from whipping boy to lockdown defender, Donovan Warren looks like the next great Michigan CB and we've got our boy, Boobie Cissoko, waiting in the wings.

- Carlos Brown showed he's worthy of being a feature back last year vs. Illinois and we have some major talent at receiver (namely Greg Mathews and Daryl Stonum).

- Worried The Matrix won't be able to hack it against DI talent? Us too. But word out of Ann Arbor is that Sam McGuffie is the real deal and will see lots of playing time in the opener vs. Utah.

- With at Purdue, at Minnesota and Northwestern at home before Ohio State, we could roll into The Game on a winning streak and beaming with confidence - something we sorely need.

Not-So-Good News:

- Once again we won't face Iowa or Indiana, and you already know how we feel about both of them. What a crock of shit.

- Forget who will play quarterback. We have 2 returning starters on offense and we wouldn't call TE Carson Butler an impact player (BTW, RT Steve Schilling is the other player). The line is in chaos and expect Lead Feet Threet to be running around like a chicken with his head cut off for the first month of the season.

- The first five games are all very losable (Utah, Miami (OH), at Notre Dame, Wisconsin, Illinois). All but the Irish are very experienced squads which will benefit immensely from our coaching change. O yeah, and note to Bill Martin: Don't schedule the Illini for Homecoming anymore.

- After a breather against Toledo, things won't get much easier. Penn State will be desperate for its first win over Michigan since 1996 and treat the game like the Super Bowl and Mark Dantonio will have Sparty all riled up about last year's "little brother" comments.

Realety:

This season can't start any worse than the '07 campaign, but Big Blue could very realistically have one win by the end of September. Patience will be key as Michigan adjusts to the spread offense against veteran ballclubs that will capitalize on our mistakes.

Fortunately, we believe Dick Rod will be given a free pass this year like John Beilein was with the basketball team (although the stakes are much higher at the Big House). Also, we expect the team to drastically improve by the end of the season.

Just like Jim Tressel's first year at Ohio State, everything comes down to The Game. Playing in Columbus with a shot at the national title, Ohio State will be huge favorites and we'll have nothing to lose. Call us crazy, but we think The Game will be tight and that Dick Rod might even win the damn thing. (Shhhh, just whisper it: 1969).

If so, the rivalry and Michigan's program will officially be back and the year will be a success, no matter our record - even if we're playing in the GoDaddy.com Bowl or - gasp! - our 33-year bowl streak comes to an end!

Like we said: No pressure, coach.

2008 BIG TEN PREVIEW: PURDUE

Choo-choo!!!!!! That's right folks, it's the Joe Tiller Farewell Tour coming around the mountain. Unfortunately, one of our favorite Big Ten coaches is going out with a thud as the Boilers have long since fallen from the Big Ten's elite:

2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 8-5 (3-5)
Projected 2008 Finish: 7th
Returning Starters: 13
Head Coach: Joe Tiller
Best Player: QB Curtis Painter

Good News:

- Purdue just keeps pumping out quality QBs. Curtis Painter is arguably the Big Ten's best after a monster junior season. He cut way back on his INTs from 2007 and threw for another 4,000 yards.

- The backfield is also loaded with the 1-2 punch of Kory Sheets and Jaycen Taylor. They'll be following the Michigan blueprint and run every play behind LT Sean Sester - a 6-7, 325 lb. monster (you think that's impressive? Their top recruit is a 6-7, 360-lb. tackle. These kids are definitely being created in a lab somewhere.)

- Chris Summers is among the best kickers in the country after a very impressive sophomore year. He missed just one kick under 40 yards.

- After a monster bowl game, DE Keyon Brown is being hyped as the next great Purdue pass-rusher following in the steps of Anthony Spencer and Cliff Avril. Our take: No so fast, my friends.

- The players have to rally around Joe Tiller in his final year - don't they?

Not-So-Good News:

- Did anyone see last year's Motor City Bowl? Dan LeFevour had a field day and the Chips also ran the ball down PU's throat en route to 48 points. The line and MLB Anthony Heygood should be solid, but the rest is a crap shoot. Making matters worse, three of the team's safeties are returning from injury. Expect a lot more shoot-outs in '08 like this one.

- Greg Orton needs to stop underachieving with the departure of WR Dorient Bryant, TE Dustin Keller and WR Selwyn Lymon. The potential is certainly there.

- Point blank: The Boilers have no fight in them, which is odd for a Joe Tiller team. It all turned during a 2005 double overtime loss to Minnesota that started a six-game losing streak. The Boilers have been flat-out embarassed at times (see: 2006 Iowa game, 2007 Michigan game). If Purdue loses to Central Michigan, expect this team to flat-line.

Realety:

Joe Tiller will tell you he's retiring, but it sure feels like a force-out to us with Purdue fans calling for his head. And hiring Eastern Kentucky coach Danny Hope as his replacement is odd to say the least. An FCS coach that lost to Kentucky by 40 last year? We know Jim Tressel worked out great for OSU, but have some respect for yourself, Purdue!

That being said, we've finally come across a team with a real non-conference schedule. Purdue faces Oregon, Central Michigan and Notre Dame. Oregon collapsed down the stretch without Dennis Dixon but looked impressive again in the Sun Bowl. Expect that team to show up in West Lafayette. And we'll find out just how improved the secondary is when Dan LeFevour gets his third shot at the Boiler secondary in a year.

The first half of their schedule is absolutely brutal and, frankly, we expect them to fall down and play dead again. They could make a late push for a bowl bid. Otherwise, pummeling Indiana in the finale will have to suffice as Tiller's last hurrah.

Hopefully at this time next year Lloyd and Joe will be fly-fishing together in Montana and playing gin rummy together.