4.30.2008

WETNESS IS THE ESSENCE OF BEAUTY

Seriously, somebody needs to stop Annie Leibovitz's reign of terror.

How can nobody say "no" to this woman? Is she slipping her subjects roofies before photo shoots or something?

First it was the LeBron and Gisele-"King King" cover. Then it was Miley Cyrus "nude". Her latest victim? Fellow UM alum Michael Phelps.

For a series of Disney ads, Phelps agreed to dress up like a mermaid, er, merman, in a Little Mermaid inspired shot. And for some reason we'll never understand, Phelps agreed.

Before you know it Mike, you're going to be dressed as a monkey smashing away bananas with cymbals.

Is this how you plan to make your country proud?

And with what?! Prancing around in your underwear with ya WEENA hangin' out!!!!!

You're dead to us, boy...

4.29.2008

IS STU JACKSON A CRIP?

The NBA Playoffs have just turned into a full-on gang war.

Thanks to the tip below, we've learned Paul Pierce was fined $25,000 for throwing up an L.A. Piru Bloods gang sign during Game 3 of the Hawks series. In full PR crisis mode, the C's are saying it's a team sign for "blood, sweat and tears" - riiiiiiiiiight...

Just like how J.R. Smith and Stephen Jackson just-so-happen to throw up the "3-point sign" after EVERY trey they make (OK, so does Damon Jones, but he's not flashing a sign - he's just a damn fool)? Hmmm, Jackson even has the sign tattooed on his chest (lower left) next to a giant Desert Eagle - he must really like the long ball...

You decide:



But the real reason for this post is our suspicion Stu Jackson has a personal interest in the matter. As irresponsible journalists, we feel obligated to raise this question.

Especially since Stu made the announcement while C-walking and flashing a lil' something something himself (and yes, that's the actual photo of Stu)...

4.28.2008

EAT IT, CELTICS

Pistons 2, 76ers 2.

Celtics 2, Hawks 2.

If you read the papers or the internet after the Pistons dropped two games to the 76ers in the first round of the playoffs you would have thought that they were finished. Done. Kaput. Written off by every member of the mainstream media and even the world of bloggers.

All we heard about was how we were tired of watching them flip the switch. Tired of 'Sheed's out bursts. Tired of Flip Saunders having no control of the team (oh and Chris Webber can eat a fat one - calling out Flip just because you're pissed that the Pistons didn't bring you back this year was a weak move). Tired of Chauncey giving the other team no respect. Tired of the Pistons not trying.

Well, I'd rather not try and lose two games then try and lose two games...

...And that's a great lead-in for my discussion about the Celtics.

How pathetic do you have to be actually try two games in a row and lose both those games to a vastly inferior opponent?? Like I said, not trying and losing is way better than trying and losing. I mean, if you don't try and lose, the players don't have anything to feel bad about. It's only the fans that get pissed off. If you try and you still lose then the players start questioning yourself. They start wondering whether they are actually good enough. And if there's one thing we know about the Pistons it's that they've never had a problem with self-confidence (note: I don't care about what happened in the playoffs last year - that never happened).

After all the talk about who from the Big 3 would step up when the game was on the line - we got our answer: All three of them. And by all three of them I mean Joe Johnson, Al Horford, and Josh Smith.

But I'm guessing that the rest of the media world won't have the guts to say anything bad about the Celtics. They'll call this a minor roadblock or maybe a learning experience for a team learning to trust each other in the post-season for the first time.

I'm not afraid to say the truth: The Celtics aren't that good.

Actually, I'll let 'Sheed say it: "We've took them all down, ever since I've been here. First Jersey was the team to beat, then Indiana, then Cleveland and Miami. Now Boston - it's just another notch on the belt."

(Oh, and we have Ricky Davis in a Celtics uniform on our site banner because he stands against everything that your precious Celtics stand for.)

4TH ANNUAL ERNEST SHAZOR AWARD

Another year, another bunch of untaken underclassmen in the NFL Draft.

It's really unbelievable how delusional these kids can be about their draft status from agents, friends, etc. telling them they're ready for The League.

And so we present the Ernest Shazor Award, given anually to the player who made the biggest bone-head move by coming out early.

With Ernest Shazor (2005 winner) doing who-knows-what in who-knows where and Darius Walker (2007) usually stuck on the Texans' inactive roster, we present this year's award to West Virginia WR Darius Reynaud.

(Marcus Vick has retroactively been selected the 2006 winner.)

There were certainly plenty of good candidates out there, including Maryland LB Erin Henderson (direct quote on the reason he wasn't drafted: "I'm a terrible football player, that's all I can think of.") and Reynaud's teammate, DE Johnny Dingleberry.

But after a monster year in 2007, Reynaud would have made the '08 offense nearly unstoppable with Pat White and Noel Devine in the backfield. How much could this 5-9 mighty mouse have improved his draft stock over one year? Who knows.

But we'd take our chances of putting up huge numbers, playing for a BCS title game and then being touted as the next Dexter Jackson. Especially when the top receiver in next year's draft could be Darrius Heyward-Bey.

But hey, at least by signing as a free agent with Minnesota he's with a group of receivers that also don't belong in the NFL. Keep your head up, D.

4.27.2008

PAUL PIERCE AIN'T NEVER SCARED

No doubt, Al Horford taunting Paul Pierce was completely asinine. But did anyone catch P.P. throwing up the Piru gang sign afterward?

Maybe it's just us. But if we'd gotten stabbed nine times, we wouldn't be flashing gang signs on national TV.

Hey Paul, if you're a real gangster, why not run off the court after Game 4 screaming "Soooo Whooop!!!!!!!!!!" That'd go over real well in Atlanta.

4.26.2008

REALEST OF THE WEEK


"The only guy on the planet I won't fight is Kimbo Slice. I'll fight anybody else. But that dude scares me."

- Kimbo Slice

4.25.2008

REALESTS' MOCK DRAFT 12.2

Your head ready to explode from all the mock drafts going on right now? Hang in there cuz the long-awaited Part III of The Realests' mock draft is here.

Note: If you missed the first two installments, Part I and Part II are a click away.

After a year of scouting these prospects and working the phones with scouts and GMs of every NFL team, we're spent. And tired of every random schmuck he puts up his own mock.

Now we know how Mel Kiper feels.

Enjoy:

21. Cincinnati (via trade): LB Josh Johnson (Marshall)
Reminds Us of a Young: Steve Foley
Skinny: Dan Snyder sacks up and combines his 2008 and '09 first round picks with $100 million in straight cash, homey. With the reinstatement of Odell Thurman, the new Johnson fits right in with the Gangles. He was suspended for the year after attacking his girlfriend, then decided to go pro early off a 3-9 team. Not enough baggage? Just a month ago he got busted for a DUI.

22. Dallas: WR Selwyn Lymon (Purdue)
Reminds Us of a Young: Michael Irvin
Skinny: Another guy that pulled the "You can't throw me off the team, I'm already headed to da league, bitch!" routine. Lymon got the boot for a DUI after the regular season finale after catching 40 balls all year. That came months after getting stabbed during a bar fight. Let's see who messes with Lymon's shit when he rolls to a bar with Tank Johnson and the Pacman, shall we?

23. Pittsburgh: LB Bo Ruud (Nebraska)
Reminds Us of a Young: Zach Thomas
Skinny: With a name like that, he was born to play for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Haters say he's too small and too slow for the pros. Call us old school, but we stick with what a guy's done on the football field; Ruud was the leader of the famed Black Shirts Defense that gave up 172 points over its final three games.


24. Tennessee: CB Ambrose Wooden (Notre Dame)
Reminds Us of a Young: Tom Carter
Skinny: This Goodie Two Shoes from Notre Dame is everything Pacman Jones is not (i.e. a good football player) A good person that's bad at football. In his time with the domers, Wooden ended up in a lot of photos like this. But give him a break. Under the guidance of Charlie Weis, he's basically been out of organized football for three years.

25. Seattle: RB Charlie Jones (Miami, FL)
Reminds Us of a Young: Frank Gore
Skinny: With Shaun Alexander gone, the Seahawks need to fill the void of diving into a pile and falling down after a yard. We wouldn't exactly call Jones' first step explosive. In fact, Jones barely has a first step at all after all the injuries he's had. You think Shaun Alexander is worn down? Jones has the body of Earl Campbell right now.

26. Jacksonville: WR Brent Schaeffer (Ole Miss)
Reminds Us of a Young: Brad Smith
Skinny: The Jags desperately need weapons for David Garrard to open up holes in the running game. If you recall, the Jags took an SEC quarterback-turned-wide receiver in the 2005 draft and that worked out pretty well, thank you very much (24 catches last year!).


27. San Diego: RB Lynell Hamilton (San Diego State)
Reminds Us of a Young: Marshall Faulk
Skinny: Needing a replacement for supersub Michael Turner, Lyneezy doesn't even have to move stadiums. After putting up huge numbers his sophomore year, Hamilton's college career was ruined by injuries. Check out these stats his senior year: 2 carries, 1 yard. Hey, at least he tried to play hurt unlike someone we know ...

28. Dallas: WR Taj Smith (Syracuse)
Reminds Us of a Young: Rocket Ismail
Skinny: T.O. gets not one, but two more inadequate receivers to play alongside. From the same school that brought you Marvin Harrison, comes this burner who caught just 44 balls and dropped probably another dozen. There should be a rule against guys coming out early off a 2-10 team. But then again, he's 24 and been in school 5 years, so maybe it was time.

29. San Francisco: WR Mark Bradford (Stanford)
Reminds Us of a Young: Jerry Rice
Skinny: Oh, those crazy 49ers! Throw out the measurements and the 40 times - did you see that catch vs. USC? (we'll never get over the "Touchdown USC!!!" call.) And what do you know? His childhood idol just happens to be No. 80. A real storybook ending here - at least until he's out of the league in three years.



30. Green Bay: LB J Leman (Illinois)
Reminds Us of a Young: Clay Matthews
Skinny: If the people of Green Bay love caveman A.J. Hawk, wait 'til they get a load of J Leman. Seriously, how much white trash can you handle at linebacker?

31. New York Giants: S Ryan Mundy (WVU)
Reminds Us of a Young: Charles Drake
Skinny: Mundy steps right into a long line of bad Giants safeties. Gee, this worked out pretty well for the champion chaser, didn't it? Leaves Michigan after a disappointing career, wins a Fiesta Bowl at West Virginia and then gets picked by the Super Bowl champs in the first round! Ernest Shazor, eat your heart out.

Check us out at the HailRedskins.com Mock Draft Database.

4.24.2008

RANDOM THURSDAY POP QUIZ: PART DEUX


OK, so far the trivia we've thrown has been a couple softballs. Try this on for size you baboons:

Q: What do Muhammad Ali, Mickey Mantle, John Wooden and Joan of Arc all have in common?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Editor's Note: Congratulations to Ken for correctly nailing this trivia question, although he cheated. And hat's off to the other three for their truly valiant efforts.

A. All of their nicknames include a location associated with them.

Ali: "Louisville Lip"
Mantle: "Commerce Comet"
Wooden: "Wizard of Westwood"
Joan: Uh, go look it up

RANDOM THURSDAY POP QUIZ



Pop it and lock it fools: It's time for a little mind-bending trivia. We're steppin' it up a bit after the whole Mookie Blaylock-Pearl Jam fiasco so marinate on this for awhile.

Q. Which current A-list celebrity used to be a cheerleader for the San Francisco 49ers in the mid 80s?


Good luck finding this on Wikipedia. But hey, look at it this way: You've got two very big clues to help you out.

Editor's Note: OK, that was supposed to take more than an hour. We hate you all.

4.23.2008

BENEDICT BOREN!

Justin Boren's transformation to pure evil has been completed as he is now transferring to Ohio State.

We really could care less what he said about Dick Rod; new coaches always rub old players the wrong way and result in defections.

But the fact Boren could wear the Maize and Blue and then transfer to Ohio State, well, it makes me sick. Oh yeah, and add on the fact his dad played for Bo.

Yes, a lot of Ohio high school players are deemed "traitors" by going to Michigan and vice versa, but has anyone in the HISTORY of the Michigan-Ohio State rivalry ever transferred to the other school?

What a douche.

4.22.2008

REALESTS' MOCK DRAFT 12.1

We seem to have struck a chord with our 12.0 mock draft for fans out there tired of getting beaten over the head by draft pundits and their mocks.

Back by popular demand, we present Part II of our 3-part series to find out who's really going where this Saturday:

(Editor's Note: Part III will drop on Friday.)




11. Buffalo: QB Bret Meyer (Iowa State)
Reminds Us of a Young:
Kordell Stewart
Skinny: We love this pick. After failing on the likes of Alex Van Pelt, Rob Johnson, Drew Bledsoe and J.P. Losman, the Bills finally get it right (you didn't really think Trent Edwards was the answer, did you? You did???) He's a Vince Young clone: Don't look at his abysmal statistics, just look at his team's record with him as a starter. Er, don't look at that either. Whatever. He had 3 times as many wins as Trent Edwards during his senior year. And for any doubters still out there, this is all we have to say: Fire up the K-Gun again, folks!

12. Denver: K Troy Van Blarcom (Kansas Wesleyan)
Reminds Us of a Young: Jeff Reed
Skinny: The Donkeys are suddenly in need of replacing one of the greatest clutch kickers in NFL history after Jason Elam bolted for Atlanta. If you're going to take a flyer on Maurice Clarett, you might as well roll the dice on this guy. Bailing on USC to head to Kansas Wesleyan, TVB made 9 of 14 FG attempts last season before deciding to leave early because "School just wasn't for me." Yep, he's a real winner.

13. Carolina: TE Louis Irizarry (Youngstown State)
Reminds Us of a Young: Jeremy Shockey
Skinny: Why are we the only ones who see the Panthers are a Wesley Walls-type player away from another Super Bowl? Compared to Tony Gonzalez coming out of high school, Irizarry got the boot from OSU for pounding everyone from random students to his girlfriend - Louie event spent six months in the slammer. Mind-boggling senior year at YSU (25 catches, 2 TD) makes him worth the gamble. Tremendous upside.

14. Chicago: QB Blake Mitchell
(South Carolina)

Reminds Us of a Young:
Brad Johnson
Skinny: We can just picture GM Jerry Angelo reading the scouting report: Party animal and head case that expects to get pulled every time he makes a mistake. "Sold!!!!" In 2 years, Mitchell went from Spurrier's next protege to a forgotten man. But who needs the combine to skyrocket your draft stock when you've got those dance moves? Good luck sacking this guy. And just imagine the parties with him, Orton and Grossman...

15. Detroit: WR James Banks (Carson-Newman)
Reminds Us of a Young: Charles Rogers
Skinny: It's so easy to ridicule the Lions it almost takes the fun out of it (key word: almost). With holes everywhere else on the team, Matt Millen goes back to the well again for another wide receiver with "questionable character." Like C Rog, Banks can't put down the herb. Also got to love the maturity factor since he's already 20-freakin'-4. Jon Kitna will have his hands full converting this guy.

16. Arizona: DT Frank Okam (Texas)
Reminds Us of a Young: Gilbert Brown
Skinny: What's with the Cards and overweight slacker D-lineman? Well, if they liked Gabe Watson and Alan Branch, they're going to love Frank Okam. Let's hope ESPN has a crew at the Sizzler to get the shocked expression on this 350-pound behemoth's face when he gets picked here.


17. Minnesota: WR Adarius Bowman (Oklahoma State)
Reminds Us of a Young: Chad Johnson
Skinny: The Vikings desperately need offensive weapons since the Troy Williamson and Tarvaris Jackson picks blew up in their face worse than a Dan Kendra science experiment. Solution? A physical, big play-receiver once projected to go in the top 10 whose stock has plummeted after getting busted for weed (sixth round? You can't be serious). Eerily familiar? Yeah, sounds like the next Randy Moss to us too.

18. Houston: RB Hershel Denis (USC)
Reminds Us of a Young:
Herschel Walker
Skinny: The Texans finally reveal their master plan for passing on Reggie Bush two years ago by selecting Denis, the guy that was supposed to start in front of Bush and LenDale White at USC before blowing out his knee 13 times. He turned heads by rushing for 30 yards vs. Illinois in the Rose Bowl and looks to finally be fully recovered from all those surgeries. This 6-year senior's ceiling is sky-high.

19. Philadelphia: WR Joe Cowan (UCLA)
Reminds Us of a Young:
Vince Papali
Skinny: Donovan McNabb, your dreams have been answered. How many times have we heard announcers bitch about Philly receivers dropping balls? Enter surehanded Joe Cowan who caught 29 balls last year. Just look at that mustache. Combined with Curtis ("Killer C's", anyone?) and trading next year's first round pick for Matt Jones, the Eagles immediately become Super Bowl contenders with this all-white combo.

20. Tampa Bay: S Corey Lynch (Appalachian State)
Reminds Us of a Young:
John Lynch
Skinny: Call John Lynch overrated if you want to, but after cutting him in 2004 the Bucs defense has nose-dived. Made famous by his game-winning FG block against Michigan, Lynch II (who also wears #47) can't even outrun the Michigan kicker (below). Who gives a shit? This guy defines high motor.



Check us out at the HailRedskins.com Mock Draft Database.

4.21.2008

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Remember the congressional hearing that turned into a Roger Clemens slurping contest?

Meet Sue Myrick. She's a member of the U.S. House of Representatives. What she pulled last week is equally pathetic and possibly even more shameless. To which we say, "Bravo:"



Note while watching: Wait for it......... and boom goes the dynamite.

OK, the end needs work. A lot of work.

(BTW, how did Flair's head not explode during that video exchange?)

4.18.2008

THE ODYSSEY: WILLIE WILLIAMS REMIX


If you thought we'd forgotten about Willie Williams, you need to get your head examined.

In a perfect world Big Willie Style would be getting wined and dined by the hometown Miami Dolphins right now to go No. 1 overall in the NFL Draft (he was hardly the only bust in the Class of 2004, folks).

Well, it's a shit world - so instead Willie is on his fourth school in as many years.

That's right. So far Willie's already terrorized Miami, West Los Angeles Community College
and Louisville.

Just when you thought he'd hang up the cleats and head back to gangbangin' in MIA, we've received news he's headed for D-II Glenville State in Glenville, West Virginia.

The Pioneers are coming off a very average 6-5 season . But the dude from Step Up got a football scholarship there, so it must be decent (hey, that guy has moves...).

If you're planning to attend a home game in the fall, it's about an hour-and-a-half outside Charleston, right next to Stonewall Jackson Lake State Park - no joke.

Yep, that's "Squeal like a pig!!!!" country right there (then again, isn't everything in West Virginia?).

4.17.2008

ASHTON COOT-CHER

Really, Kyle Korver? This has become almost too pathetic. A few weeks ago you do this:


And then last night you do this:


You've become so damn emasculated since you married Demi Moore. I can't wait til Candace Parker dunks on your ass during next year's All-Star Weekend.

HE'S A BIG DUMB ANIMAL, FOLKS


Gotta feel for former UM defensive lineman Gabe Watson, who slipped on a treadmill and broke his kneecap a week ago.

That's some Bennie Joppru-level bad luck there. Not to mention quite embarassing for a superhero like Big Gabe.

Always in Lloyd's dog house for slacking, Watson was actually working out on his own after the team's conditioning drills and supposedly is in the best shape of his life.

Fellow UM alum Alan Branch - who was stuffing his face with cupcakes and Ho Hos when he heard the news - will take Watson's place.

4.16.2008

BRITISH PEOPLE: RACIST OR STUPID?

I lived in England for the first four years of my life (so that gives me a free pass to say whatever I want about the country).

It's a good thing that I was young when I lived there because it allowed me to be unaware of the rampant racism and stupidity which pervades England.

Now, I can just hear most of you saying to yourselves or your friends as your read this blog post together - "Why would The Realests make such a broad and hurtful generalization about a whole country?:

Well, there are a few reasons for that.

#1 - It's a good way to get publicity and draw attention to ourselves
#2 - Unfounded generalizations are usually correct
#3 - ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE UPSET THAT JAY-Z IS HEADLINING THEIR MAIN MUSIC FESTIVAL

From what I can gather, Glastonbury is the English equivalent of our Lollapallooza, Austin City Limits, or Coachella. Usually, these shows are highlighted by rock acts, but in recent years rappers have broken through (Kanye, Lupe, The Roots, etc.).

Anyway, this year, the folks at Glastonbury decided that Jay-Z would be their headliner. This decision was met by lukewarm reviews by music fans (read: bigots) in England. Among the idiots is Noel Gallagher, of Oasis fame, who wants Jay-Z gone. People high up in the Glastonbury organization have basically all but said that they are upset that about the pervasive racism in England.

Now, Noel probably has beef because of the fact that Oasis hasn't been relevant for the last decade. I mean, it must be difficult to go from headlining Glastonbury and being the next Beatles to your Wonderwall crumbling and being forced to cook fish 'n' chips for blokes after they just watched the Arsenal - Man U match. Or, to quote Jay-Z, it must be hard to go "from top 10 to not mentioned at all."

Well, our main point? Jay-Z rules. And England's irrational hatred of Jay-Z can now be added to the list of reasons to hate England along with taxation without representation, bad teeth, bad food, rain, and Jude Law.

REALESTS' NFL MOCK DRAFT 12.O

We're not going to go Wilbon on you and talk about how the NFL Draft is the most overrated event in sports. (Actually, we really enjoy it.)

But stop with the mock drafts already. You can't drop 8 versions on us and just keep flip-flopping Jake Long and Chris Long for the No. 1 pick. It's ridiculous. And insulting.

So we decided to mix it up a little with a mock draft you've certainly not seen before:

1. Miami: QB Brady Leaf (Oregon)
Reminds Us of a Young: Ryan Leaf
Skinny: The Fish won't make the same mistake as Indy and pass on one of the Leaf brothers. Brady was a human pinata while filling in for an injured Dennis Dixon last year. Like Eli, the question will always be asked if Brady can live up to his brother: One-completion games, screaming at reporters in the locker room, going after fans at training camp; the bar has been set high.

2. St. Louis: QB Anthony Morelli (Penn State)
Reminds Us of a Young: Jim Kelly
Skinny: The next in the long line of great Western PA quarterbacks. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, folks, and teams are worried about his reported 5 on the Wonderlic Test. But he's got the all the physical tools to be a franchise quarterback and he can make all the throws (and by "all the throws" we mean "none of the throws").

3. Atlanta: QB Xavier Lee (Florida State)
Reminds Us of a Young: Michael Vick
Skinny: Slap on a #7 jersey and you won't even tell the difference! OK, so he couldn't beat out Drew Weatherford in college. We seem to recall a guy named Brady that everyone bagged on in college. "Xavier the Savior" was a high school legend and he'll fill in nicely until Vick gets out of the slammer. Great value at the #3 spot.

4. Oakland: WR Maurice Purify (Nebraska)
Reminds Us of a Young: Chris Henry
Who needs Randy Moss when you've got the combo of Walker & Purify? The rap sheet includes assault, resisting arrest, trespassing and drunken driving: Al Davis likes him already.

5. Kansas City: QB Kyle Wright (Miami, FL)
Reminds Us of a Young: Craig Erickson
Skinny: This is starting to shape up like the QB class of 1983! Wright was one of those special players that got worse every year, finishing out '07 with more picks (14) than TDs (12). Hey, that's still good enough to beat out Brody Croyle...

6. New York Jets: S Tom Zbikowski (Notre Dame)
Reminds Us of a Young: Reed Doughty
Skinny: It's the Jets, people. Would anyone really be surprised if they messed up this badly? Zibby's a high motor player that really elevated his stock by sticking around for his senior year. And just think of the fights at MSG. Expect a full-scale riot at Radio City if his name is called.

7. New England: RB Darren McFadden (Arkansas)
Reminds Us of a Young: Walter Payton
Skinny: First the Randy Moss trade, then the easiest schedule, now this? Dumb-founded by their luck again, Scott Pioli nabs McFadden and the Pats score 1,000 points in 2008.

8. Baltimore: S Jamar Adams (Michigan)
Reminds Us of a Young: Cato June
Skinny: In the exact same boat as June coming out of college: Highly regarded prep player that never lived up to his billing. Solution? Throw him at linebacker and pump him up with steroids. Poof, you've got the next Ray Lewis. A very high upside pick.

9. Cincinnati: WR De'Cody Fagg (Florida State)
Reminds Us of a Young: Ashlie Lelee
Skinny: The Chad Johnson Era officially comes to a close and he immediately calls Brian Kenny repeatedly screaming "I lost my job to a Fagg?!!??!" on air.

10. New Orleans: RB Alley Broussard (Missouri Southern State)
Reminds Us of a Young: Jamal Lewis
Skinny: This former LSU Tiger is a bit of a reach here, but it's too perfect a fit. A team that refuses to play defense and the hometown boy. His knees have been busted for 3 seasons which makes him a perfect 1-2 punch with Deuce McAllister. Both should be on IR by Week 5. Get those umbrellas out!



Check us out at the HailRedskins.com Mock Draft Database.

4.15.2008

RANDOM TUESDAY POP QUIZ

It's been awhile since we've done one of these, so here she blows:

Q: Which American rock band was originally named after a 1990s NBA point guard?

Hint: After the player forced them to change their name, they instead named their debut album after his jersey number.

The winner gets a pack of lamb skin condoms, a pair of used bowling shoes and a pack of Big League Chew.

Editor's Note: OK, that was too easy.

THIS IS NOT WORTH $100

If this guy wasn't a complete moron, this video would be hard to watch.

As seen below, MoneyTalks.com convinced some doofus to get leveled going over the middle by Kimbo Slice for - wait for it - $100.



Too bad they couldn't find Todd Pinkston chillin' on the beach.

Hmmm, wonder if that includes medical expenses? This dude probably spent the next month eating through a tube:

By the way, apparently the show did a whole series of these such as "How much would it take for Kimbo to punch you in the chest?" The answer: $50!

This is pure evil/genius.

We can already see the MasterCard ad now:

Getting drilled by Kimbo Slice? $100.
Watching some other dude get drilled by Kimbo Slice? Priceless.

And how has this not already been picked up by Fox??? The Devil will be very disappointed when he hears about this...

4.14.2008

LAST WEEKEND WAS NOT AWESOME!

With the snooze fest going on at The Masters, we decided to take a weekend off from sports.

Apparently there's not much else to our lives.

Only two real notable events took place over the past 48 hours.

#1 V-Man did some investigative work to find out who actually reads this blog. His findings? People that type in "underage girls love the dick" into Google. Go ahead, try it yourself.

We're pleased to see we have become an internet authority on kiddie porn.

#2 We went to go see Prom Night last evening to see if we had another John Tucker Must Die on our hands. It has to be the worst movie since SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2.

We've lost all faith in Hollywood when Ziggy and Stringer Bell go from The Wire to this shit-show.

But what really made the theater experience was the audience.

Some ill-fitted parent actually brought their baby to a horror movie. At first we thought it was just part of the film. That is until it wailed uncontrollably for 5 minutes during a prom dance.

But that pailed in comparison to the other jokers there.

During every single overly drawn moment of "suspense" (there were a lot), a group of people yelled at the screen for the entire hour-and-a-half. Some examples:

"Put on yo shoes, bitch!"


"Oh HELLLLLLLL no!"


"He had time to move the body too?!?! Stop playin'!!!!"

And our personal favorite:

"N****, get outta the car!"

It really was like that Chris Rock joke where he talks about people poppin' off a couple rounds at the movie theater.

It also gave us the idea for a brilliant new TV show: "Mystery Science Theather 3000: The Projects." This has real potential. Of course, we're sure Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg will steal our idea and make millions off it.

More on that later...

4.11.2008

THE REALESTS' GUIDE TO JAY-Z

A few months ago, The Onion AV Club put out an article that purported to be a Primer for people that wanted to get into Jay-Z's music. It was crap. Absolute and utter crap. It seemed to lack any real effort or research. And, frankly, it seemed that the person writing the article hadn't even listened to the entire Jay-Z discography. And if they did, they didn't listen to it with any care or attention. This made me ask them, "Do you listen to music or do you just skim through it?" They answered, "We just skim through it." The Realests don't. For us, Jay-Z's music has been a soundtrack to our lives. As a side note, that also made writing this post extremely difficult. I felt that by devaluing certain albums I was devaluing certain parts of my life. Wow, that sounds awful. But I'm not deleting it.

The subject matter of this post has always been the Holy Grail of blogging for me. It's my Moby Dick, my Mt. Everest. I've put so much thought and time into listening to Jay-Z over the last 10 years that it's become almost impossible for me to think that I could put together a coherent post where I actually rank the albums in any sort of meaningful way. This will be my valiant attempt.

On an initial level, I've tried to place each song from Jay-Z's albums into one of five categories: Classics, Bangers, Mediocre, Clunkers, and Abominations. There's a lot of gray area but I did my best. I was going to get my John Hollinger on and create a complex formula to calculate the Album Efficiency Rating (AER) but my abacus broke and I lack the mental math skills of people like The Dude and Sameer. So, we just have the categories.

But the categories don't tell the whole story. An album, just like any other thing, is more than the sum of its parts. The song categorizations are obviously subjective, but just because one album has a higher percentage of classics than other doesn't necessarily mean that it's better than others for me. There's a certain feeling linked to each album and that's mine and you assholes can't take it away from me. So, forgive me if you don't understand exactly why I made the decisions I made, but I'll do my best to explain my thoughts.

REASONABLE DOUBT

Classics: Can't Knock The Hustle, Politics As Usual, Brooklyn's Finest, Dead Presidents II (New Lyrics), D'Evils, 22 Two's, Cashmere Thoughts

Bangers: Ain't No *****, Friend or Foe, Feelin' It

Mediocre: Can I Live, Regrets

Clunkers: Coming Of Age, Bring It On

Abominations: None

The only Jay-Z album which I listened to a significant period of time after it came out. The Jay-Z that I initially started listening to didn't have the rapid fire flow that he has on Reasonable Doubt. Reasonable Doubt's Jay-Z has by far the best wordplay and lyricism of any album that he put out. I do think that it lacks in the beats a little bit - it's more of a mellow album. The mellowness of the album isn't odd though, considering the fact that the album is essentially about Jay enjoying being at the top of the crime world. Jay didn't want to portray the struggle really, he wanted to portray the lifestyle you get after getting to the top and a few of the regrets you have once you're up there. "Brooklyn's Finest" is probably my favorite song on here just because the whole damn thing was freestyled and neither Jay or Big wanted to write the chorus, so they just basically left the studio and had the producer come up with the hook. There's not much more I can say about this album - it's considered a classic by almost everyone and I certainly do enjoy it a lot, but unfortunately it's a little before my time. I wasn't up on it when it came out so it will always feel a little off for me. I feel like an impostor when I talk about this album.

VOLUME 1 - IN MY LIFETIME

Classics: Where I'm From, Who You Wit

Bangers: Streets Is Watching, Friend or Foe '98

Mediocre: Sunshine, Face Off, Rap Game / Crack Game

Clunkers: Imaginary Players, Lucky Me, You Must Love Me

Abominations: I Know What Girls Like, The City Is Mine

There's a fair share of crap on this CD but "Where I'm From" makes up for almost all of it. That song goes hard. So hard that I listened to it last weekend while strolling through Marcy with $100 bills taped to my face and no one tried anything. Other than that song, the CD is wholly unremarkable. This CD would start the trend of Jay-Z filling a large chunk of his CDs with subpar songs that I convinced myself I liked. "I Know What Girls Like" proves (kinda) that Jay and Diddy know what girls like, but at the same time, the song has no clue what my ears like. It's painful. And the "City is Mine" is similarly pathetic (although BlackSTREET's video where they had puppets playing the piano was sweet, right? No diggity!). The hidden gem on this album? The video for "Sunshine." If you have a mortal enemy with epilepsy, strap them into a chair and make them watch this video. They will have seizures and might die.

VOLUME 2 - HARD KNOCK LIFE

Classics: Hard Knock Life, N***a What N***a Who, Money Cash Hoes, Can I Get A....

Bangers: It's Like That, Money Ain't A Thing

Mediocre: A Week Ago, Coming of Age, It's Alright

Clunkers: None

Abominations: Intro - Hand It Down, If I Should Die, Ride or Die, Paper Chase, Reservoir Dogs

As I said in an earlier post, this CD is at the heart of rap's best period for me. I distinctly remember the day I bought this CD. I was extra amped when I found out that there was a bonus disc. I felt the exact opposite when I listened to the bonus disc. The classics on this album are the type of songs that you could play anywhere at any time people would start bobbing their heads (or barking and growling if "Money Cash Hoes" comes on). "Hard Knock Life" introduced the idea of having little kids sing rap choruses, it took me months to learn the words to "N***a What," and "Money Ain't a Thing" taught us to not slack on our mack or slip on our pimp(in'). "Can I Get A..." was inescapable when it was on the airwaves - every station was playing it every hour. This CD was when Jay-Z became JAY-Z. And it also began the trend of him referring to himself as Hova.

VOLUME 3 - LIFE AND TIMES OF S. CARTER

Classics: Big Pimpin

Bangers: Snoopy Track, Do It Again, So Ghetto, Watch Me

Mediocre: Dope Man, Hova Song (Intro and Outro)

Clunkers: Things That You Do, It's Hot

Abominations: S. Carter, Pop 4 Roc, There's Been A Murder, Come and Get Me, NYMP

Another underrated album. Everyone and their mother loved "Big Pimpin'". It introduced the Dame Dash dance to the world and made it acceptable (?) to pour full bottles of liquor and champagne onto women. I was a little upset with this CD though because it boasted guest appearances from Juvenile and Dr. Dre but they are both reduced to singing choruses on their respective songs. Either way, Juvenile is totally on point on "Snoopy Track" and it's one of the more hypnotic Timbaland beats. "Watch Me" is similarly excellent. "Dope Man" gets points just because it includes Serena Altschul on it (remember when she was really hot?). Between this CD and Volume 2 we also saw the birth of Timbaland as a monster producer - "Big Pimpin", "Snoopy Track", and "N***a What" are all classic Timbo productions. The bad songs on this CD are awful and, frankly, I have no desire to talk about them.


THE DYNASTY ROC LA FAMILIA

Classics: This Can't Be Life, 1-900-Hustler, I Just Wanna Love You

Bangers: Where Have You Been, Squeeze 1st

Mediocre: Intro, Change the Game, You Me Him and Her

Clunkers: Streets Is Talking, Get Your Mind Right Mami, Stick 2 The Script

Abominations: Guilty Until Proven Innocent, Parkin' Lot Pimpin, Holla, Soon You'll Understand, The ROC

My secret/not-so-secret album of all time. The songs are ridiculous. The rapping isn't that good. The guest appearances (mostly limited to Bleek, Amil, and Beans) are pretty poor. But everything works perfectly. Kind of like this blog. I am 100% convinced that had it not been for this CD, The Realests would have never been formed and would still probably have beef. If you don't own this album, shame on you. I can't really explain to you how the great songs on this CD are both unequivocally good and bad and how the awful songs on this CD are both unequivocally bad and good. With this CD, Jay did the seemingly impossible - he made a great rap album consisting of mostly awful songs. Part of this might be due to the fact that this CD had the Neptunes, Just Blaze, and Kanye all competing for the production credits. The one song that really stands out is "This Can't Be Life." A Kanye West song, it's one of the strongest Jay-Z songs to date. Beans and Scarface are excellent and it was a fitting prelude to the song "Guess Who's Back" on Scarface's CD. I'm convinced that a whole album with songs produced by Kanye and featuring these three rappers would easily be one of the best rap records of all time.


THE BLUEPRINT

Classics: Takeover, Izzo, U Don't Know, Heart of the City

Bangers: Renegade, Song Cry

Mediocre: The Ruler's Back, Girls Girls Girls, Jigga That N***a, Never Change

Clunkers: Hola Hovito, Blueprint, All I Need

Abominations: None

You're either a Blueprint guy or a Reasonable Doubt guy. That's what the Jay-Z debate ultimately comes down to. Me? I'd go with Blueprint because I like the production better. "Izzo" was an absolute monster when it came out and Jay decided to spend $3 on its video (seriously, it's bad). "Takeover" is, for my money, the best rap battle song ever made (with easily the best last 2 lines EVER). Special spot in my heart for the song "U Don't Know" because I would blast it in my car when driving around D.C. during the summer I lived there. Interestingly enough, for how good this CD is I'm shocked to realize how little I really listen to it. Maybe I burned it out during college, but going back and hearing it again is a real treat. The only bad thing about the Blueprint is that it gave Jay-Z the idea for Blueprint 2.

BLUEPRINT 2: THE GIFT AND THE CURSE

Classics: None

Bangers: The Watcher 2, The Bounce, Diamonds Is Forever, U Don't Know (Remix), Meet The Parents, Blueprint 2

Mediocre: Hovi Baby, 03 Bonnie and Clyde, Excuse Me Miss, Poppin Tags, Some How Some Way

Clunkers: Guns and Roses

Abominations: A Dream, What They Gonna Do, All Around The World, F**ck All Night, N**** Please, 2 Many Hoes, As One, Some People Hate, I Did It My Way

This was a total crap sandwich. Jay tried to say in interviews that his flow was unmatched on this CD. Well, he might think that but the lyrics and the beats and the overall bloated feeling of this CD are just abysmal. "Watcher 2" is a hidden gem with Jay, Dre, and Rakim all putting down good verses (and Jay's flow is magnificent here too). "The Bounce" is great because it capitalized on the Indian trend. "U Don't Know Remix" is fantastic because it allowed me to tell people that I would eat their face for about 2 years when we were playing video games. And "Blueprint 2" is fantastic because Jay-Z asks Guru to "unleash the flutes"....but there are no flutes on the whole damn song. Plus, he goes at Nas hard on that song. As for the bad songs on here? It's almost too painful to go through. This album was the ultimate in excess. Jay even looked stupid on the album cover.

THE BLACK ALBUM

Classics: PSA, Encore, Dirt Off Your Shoulder, 99 Problems

Bangers: What More Can I Say, Threat, Allure, Lucifer, My 1st Song

Mediocre: Change Clothes, December 4th

Clunkers: None

Abominations: Justify My Thug

Like all albums this was supposed to drop on a Tuesday but because it leaked Def Jam decided to push it up a few days early and release it on a Friday. I still remember Jim screaming out "BLACK FRIDAY!!!" over the phone when he bought the CD. "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" started the universal shoulder brushing maneuver that countless idiots (read: us) would use in pictures over the next 2 years. "PSA/Interlude" is top 5 Jay. "99 Problems" had a sick video (banned from MTV!) and allowed Jay-Z to talk about the illegality of warrantless searches and seizures. "My 1st Song" would be much better if it didn't have the excessive outro. Jay-Z line in "Threat" about his enemy's head being a parking garage and him parking bullets in the upper level might be my favorite rap line ever. I've also never really listened to "Justify My Thug" because it is so god awful - but I did read that Madonna was supposed to sing the hook. That counts for something right?? Also, is it bad that I might like the Linkin Park version of Encore better than the Kanye one? I also still laugh every time Jay-Z's mother says, "Isn't that special?" on "December 4th." Totally out of place.

KINGDOM COME

Classics: None

Bangers: The Prelude, Oh My God, Kingdom Come, Lost One, 44 4's

Mediocre: Show Me What You Got, Do You Wanna Ride, Trouble, Dig A Hole, Minority Report

Clunkers: Beach Chair

Abominations: 30 Something, I Made It, Anything, Hollywood

I was so excited for this album. After listening to it, I was so disappointed. It was such a lame comeback attempt. I do like the stilted flow on "Prelude" and the beat on "Oh My God." "44 4's" was simply a great concept so I was excited to hear that. But everything else just comes off as too defiant. I guess at the time he was feeling insecure about Jim Jones, artists taking shots at him because he wasn't the best at running Def Jam, and being old. Jay has always been best when the songs have been effortless - when he's talking about how easy shit is for him and how hard it must be for everyone else. And that is totally lacking on this CD. I didn't much care about the total media blitz that came along with this CD - for someone of his stature, its to be expected - but unfortunately the music didn't live up to the hype. This was also Jay's first album to be released in a really digital age and I think it shows. The Black Album went multiplatinum and I think it was more cohesive and less self-aware. The problem with Kingdom Come was that it was entirely too aware. Between his celebrity and his constant beefs, the awareness weighed down the CD. And that was a monster problem.


AMERICAN GANGSTER

Classics: Roc Boys

Bangers: Hello Brooklyn, Ignorant Shit, Fallin', American Gangster, Success

Mediocre: Sweet, No Hook, I Know, Party Life, Pray, American Dreamin'

Clunkers: Blue Magic

Abominations: Say Hello

After the problems with Kingdom Come, Jay-Z made a conscious effort to come back to his roots with American Gangster. From a marketing standpoint, it was a brilliant ploy. Artistically, it was also pretty damn good. The lyrics were far better than anything on Kingdom Come and it seemed like it was right in Jay-Z's wheelhouse. Taking inspiration from a movie and essentially placing the stories in this album before the stories from Reasonable Doubt was very interesting. I'm afraid that this album will be viewed as a period album and it won't have the longevity of a Blueprint or Vol. 2. But, it has much less filler than normal Jay-Z albums. It's focused and tight. I listened to this album a lot for about 3 weeks and then it kind of fell out of rotation.

After reading this post, I've realized four things: 1) Jay-Z has made a lot of good songs, 2) Jay-Z has made a lot of bad songs, 3) I don't really care about the bad songs, and 4) trying to classify every song on these CDs was a fruitless task (although it has taken me about 2 years to do - seriously, this post is the Chinese Democracy of blog posts). It seems like some of the CDs with high amount of bad songs are my favorites and some of the CDs with the least amount of bad songs aren't that high on my list. I guess it's a case of selective listening - I simply like what I like. I ignore the crap and ride or die (mostly ride) with my favorites.

Final Album Ranking:

1. The Dynasty
2. The Blueprint
3. The Black Album
4. Volume 2
5. Reasonable Doubt
6. Volume 3
7. American Gangster
8. Volume 1
9. Blueprint 2
10. Kingdom Come

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

We thought it couldn't get any worse than this.

We were wrong.

Recognize this masta killah?

4.10.2008

THE GOLDEN AGE

I started driving in 1998. It was a glorious time. I was inheriting the family Ford Escort Station Wagon (mine was silver) and I was about to taste true freedom for the first time.

As a teenager waiting to drive, I had imagined all of the great things that driving could bring. Finally, I'd be free to do what I wanted when I wanted. I'd be free from depending on parents or other people for rides. I could leave for school in the mornings whenever I wanted. I could drive really fast on the highway. I could drive really slow on the highway. I could look forward to running errands and going all over town. But I never realized the hidden gem of driving: being able to listen to music while driving a car.

Now, I've always liked rap music, but I don't think I ever really loved rap music until I started driving. There's something incredibly gratifying about flying down the highway in a station wagon absolutely blasting rap music and screaming out the lyrics during a Detroit summer/winter. I would volunteer for errands in my household just so I could drive around and listen to music. So I could hop out of my car in the Meijer's or Farmer Jack's parking lot with my trunk/hatchback trunk rattling. Also, none of this would have been able to happen if I hadn't owned 1) a Sony Discman and 2) a car adaptor for my Sony Discman (by far one of the most important inventions in history). So, what does this all mean? Well, here goes:

I think that the combination of my new found freedom along with rappers going completely bonkers and releasing a slate of classics in late 1998 and early 1999 (actually 1997-2000), made that period the GREATEST PERIOD IN RAP HISTORY (sorry to go all Bill Simmons on you).

Scoff all you will. I don't care. I'd put up that time period up against any period you want (of course, you might be right, but I'm writing this blog post so you can eat a dick).

So what made this period so great? For me, as I've already stated, it was the fact that I could drive. Also, it was the last period where I really remember being excited to go to a record store and physically buy a CD. I graduated high school in 2000 and after graduation it was all CD-burners, Napster, and eventually iTunes. Buying a physical CD was never really that important to me after I left high school. So, I inevitably look back on that period with a heightened sense of nostalgia. Just like our parents look back on buying .45s (the records, not the guns).

So, we've got 1) driving and 2) buying actual CDs. And, of course, we've got the music.

I'd have to say that the defining artist of my high school career was DMX. My friend and I had a grand plan to memorize the lyrics to "Ruff Ryders Anthem" and perform it at our school's talent show wearing wife beaters, silver chains, and winter ski hats. We were going to bark and everything. It was going to be awesome. DMX would go on an unbelievable tear over the next year. He released "It's Dark and Hell is Hot," "Flesh of my Flesh, Blood of my Blood," and "...And then there was X" in a year and a half span that can only be described as shock and awe. I even freaking quoted him in my high school graduation speech. He was about as real as it gets. Then he got deep into crack and fell off the face of the earth.


At the same time, Jay-Z released "Vol 2" and between "Hard Knock Life" (he sampled freaking Annie - and for the next two years every rapper had the obligatory kids-singing-the-chorus song on their CD) and "Can I Get A...." (one song where the radio version absolutely does 0 justice to the real version - Can i get a what what?) he was absolutely dominant. That CD is when Jay-Z became Jay-Z. It started his meteoric rise.

Method Man and Redman also released solo albums at that time and collaborated on a album also. The video for "I'll Be Dat" is one of the better rap videos ever made. And the Chris Rock skit on "Tical 2000" is probably the only rap skit I listen to all the way through.

Between those 4 artists, Def Jam was on a major tear. Also, Def Squad (Redman, Erick Sermon, and Keith Murray) put out one of the most underrated albums that year - "El Nino." I mean, how great is that title?? The Hard Knock Life tour was HUGE, it was the precursor to the even bigger Up In Smoke tour, and I didn't go see it. Why didn't I see it? Because I was at school, laying out the latest edition of the my high school newspaper. I was a monster douche.

In the next year, the LOX released their debut album, Eminem would burst onto the scene, Dre would release the Chronic 2001 (oddly named because it was released in 1999), OutKast would release "Aquemini" and head down the path to become really weird, Big Pun released a song saying that you couldn't measure his dick with six rulers, and No Limit and Cash Money would release approximately 4,567 CDs (and all of them would have horrible, awful cover art). Extra side note: my dad picked up my Discman one day when I was listening to Master P's "Ghetto D" and he listened to the first song. About 5 minutes later he walked into my room, looking extremely disappointed and asked me what was so great about listening to songs about turning crack into cocaine. I put away my Pyrex pots covered in yayo, turned to him and said, "It's just music, Dad."

EVERYONE released albums then. Albums were big. They were huge. Somehow all of this was tied back to the Clinton years, the booming national economy at the time, and the impending doom of Y2K. It was like everyone was putting out albums because they knew that people would actually buy the things and because they were afraid that the world was going to blow up on December 31, 1999. It was awesome...and we were idiots for being afraid of Y2K.

Reading back on the last few paragraphs I'm realizing that it's absolutely impossible for me to do a good job of conveying how great this period was. That's probably because most of my reasons for really loving that period in rap music lie in the fact that I can identify specific songs on those CDs that matched up with some of my favorite memories from back in the day. Either way, if you don't get why this period was so great, that's my fault (actually, it's probably your fault), but the important thing that I want to get across is that it meant a lot to me. And rap music hasn't been the same ever since.

And here's a muxtape for you to listen to if you're interest is peaked. Seriously, listen to it, it's awesome (I really wanted to get Juvenile and Master P on there but I don't have the right type of digital file to upload).

NBA DRAFT GOOD CALL/BAD CALL

OK, this is a blatant rip-off of the SportsCenter segment but we couldn't think of anything catchier... SO BACK OFF!

People are jumping like crazy to the NBA. We took the liberty of telling them whether or not they made good decisions:

O.J. Mayo (Fr., USC)
Bad Call
: Granted, his game developed so much over his freshman year. But here's the thing about Mayo: As a 7th-grader, he was billed as the next LeBron James. Problem is, he's that guy from your hometown that hit puberty in middle school and never grew anymore. Instead of the next LBJ, Mayo is just an undersized shooting guard (listed at 6-4, more like 6-2) with decent ball skills and range.

Jerryd Bayless (Fr., Arizona)
Good Call: A Derrick Rose-type talent with a bit less size and much less surrounding talent in college.

Ryan Anderson (So., Cal)
Bad Call
: A 6-10 whitey with range but no post-up game, he led the Pac-10 in scoring. People are telling him he's the next Dirk Nowitzki. More like the next Kevin Pittsnogle.

Derrick Caracter (So., Louisville)
Bad Call
: This dump truck for the Cardinals didn't even start for the 'Ville and is a suspension waiting to happen. With the entire frontcourt departing, D.C. could have shined next year.

Earl Clark (So., Louisville)
Good Call
: Did you see him swatting shot after shot into the third row against UNC? This guy is the hybrid G/F that GMs love. He's a lottery pick in our mind.

Marreese Speights (So., Florida)
Bad Call
: A poor man's Joey Dorsey, he commits dumb fouls and keels over after 5 minutes on the court.

Anthony Randolph (Fr., LSU)
Good Call
: Get out of Baton Rouge while you can! Randolph is so raw he's basically a high school player. But with that wingspan and vertical, he'll be a top 10 pick.

Kevin Love (Fr., UCLA)
Bad Call
: SI's David DuPree said he'd pick Love No. 1 overall. David DuPree is also on crack. Love was exposed by Memphis (see below) as an undersized big man (no way he is 6-10) that isn't suited for a transition game. As Michael Wilbon said, where's that full-court shot going to get him in the NBA? And did no one learn anything from Sean May? Expect him to have a Mehmet Okur-type career. It's a shame he won't stick around and become the next great Big Man at UCLA.



Ronald Steele (Jr., Alabama)
Worst Call Ever
: Where to start on this one? He missed the entire season after arthroscopic surgery on both knees and was seriously limited two years ago with the same injury. One of the all-time bonehead moves to leave early with Matt Walsh and Marcus Taylor.

Chase Budinger (So., Arizona)
Bad Call
: Way, way overhyped coming out of high school, plays 0 defense and didn't even emerge with Jerryd Bayless running the point.

Donte Green (Fr., Syracuse)
Good Call
: An absolute monster, couldn't handle the idea of being on the NCAA bubble for the next 340 days.

Trent Plaisted (Jr., BYU)
Bad Call
: Who?! No seriously, the last two big men to come out of BYU are Rafael Araujo and Shawn Bradley (left). Take a hint.

Eric Gordon (Fr., IU)
Good Call
: Indiana's a mess, he's a lock for the top 5. What's left to ponder?

Darren Collison (Jr., UCLA)
Bad Call
: Um, did anyone see the Memphis game?

Javale McGee (So., Nevada)
Good Call:
Surprised? The guy can only dunk and block shots, but then again, that's all Shawne "Cheech" Williams could do. Worked out pretty well for him.

DeAndre Jordan (Fr., A&M)
Bad Call
: A lottery pick on potential alone, he was a massive disappointment last year. Averaged just 8 & 6 and seemd to get worse as the year went on. Then again, maybe it's a good call....

Joe Alexander (Jr., West Virginia)
Bad Call
: A nobody two months ago, appears to think one big March is enough to be a first round pick. Not when you're a 6-8 whitey. Keep working on your Mandarin because you might be back in China shortly.

4.09.2008

A TRADITION UNLIKE ANY OTHER

Ah, The Masters. There's nothing like it.

Men clothing other men. Holes named after flowers. Jim Nantz repeatedly calling us "friends" and playing the piano non-stop for 4 days. Southern hicks begrudgingly cheering Tiger Woods.

It makes us tingle all over.

It's also the time of year we are reminded that Bill Murray was once funny. You know, before he started doing Garfield and such.

WHO IS MARIO MANNINGHAM?

Shawn Crable, you've got company.

Already with "character" questions leading up to the NFL Draft, Mario Manningham has admitted to failing multiple drug tests at UM for smoking the sweet cheeba. If it wasn't already, his draft stock is now officially in a free-fall.

Todd McShay already projected Manningham slipping down into the 3rd round of the draft before this and there have been much better players who've lost millions in the draft from failed drug tests (i.e. Warren Sapp, Randy Moss).

Maybe we're overreating, but this now raises more questions about his Vicodin arrest last April in which he "borrowed" it from a teammate.

At the time, people brushed it off since he'd had offseason surgery. What's odd is that Manningham's surgery took place on Jan. 8. The arrest was almost four entire months later. Now one has to ask, is Manningham hooked on pain-killers like Brett Favre?

And none of this can be ruled out because no one knows Manningham. This guy is like Braylon Edwards during his R. Kelly phase. He won't talk to the media and no one else seems to know what's going on in his head.

Shit, for all we know, the guy is offering sexual favors for crack.

Editor's Note: As for the comment below, we find don't find Manningham cheating nearly as disturbing as the fact that he was involved with Greek Week in the first place...

4.08.2008

NCAA CHAMPIONSHIP GAME MUSINGS


A couple observations that will otherwise go unmentioned among the mainstream media:

- Jim Nantz, you're killing me. How predictable was "Rock Chalk Championship" (very similar to his "Simon Says Championship" call of 11 years ago by the way)? And he's just getting warmed up for The Masters. Can't you just picture him somewhere playing the theme song on a piano in his home right now? I'm going to gag Sunday when he starts off the show with the traditional, "Hello friends..."

- It's time for the Roy Williams Conspiracy! The V-Man - who picked UNC to take the cake - was none too pleased to watch Roy Boy cheering on Kansas and referring to them as "we" throughout the halftime show. I guess it didn't necessarily look bad, but it was tacky.

- It's a shame people now won't remember the Derrick Rose bank shot as the shot clock expired. That was definitely one of the most ridiculous shots I've ever seen in the tournament. Two years ago, this kid wasn't even that heavily recruited and now he looks like another Chris Paul. Pat Riley is still cleaning up the mess in his pants.

- Joey Dorsey is dumber than rocks.

- It's only April and I don't see anyone passing Mario Chalmers for Realest of the Year. Mario, I am eternally indebted to you.

- Classic John Calipari at the end of the game. Just when you think he's classy by taking all the blame from his kids for the loss, he starts bitching about the officiating at the end. How can you object to using replay when they got the phantom 3-pointer call correct? If they had blown that, this game would have been tarnished forever. Yeah, that would have been great for college hoops. And Rose didn't come CLOSE to fouling Sherron Collins. Take your loss like a man especially since you've been rubbing it in everyone's face the last two weeks that your team hits free throws when they count.

- We'll never know two things since Memphis choked. Would Worldwide Wes have celebrated with the Tigers on the court (like he did with the Canes in 2001) and would John Chaney have come out of nowhere to pull this during Cal's victory press conference:

We can still dream.

- Quote of the night (loosley transcribed):

Nantz: What were thinking when you spoke to them in the locker room before the game?
Self: I was just trying to sound good since I knew I was on TV.

Finally someone said it! Jim Larranagga, you should be ashamed - again.

- I won my tournament pool. This is all I have to say about that.

4.06.2008

EARTH TO SHAWN CRABLE


Shawn Crable is like the Six Flags of the NFL Draft: Just when you think he's hit rock bottom, his stock plummets again.

After hearing his name as a possible mid-1st round selection during the football season, we realized Crable is not even mentioned in mock drafts anymore.

So where exactly do the pundits have him going now?

Well, according to Scouts Inc., Crable will be taken 141st overall. What in the name of Alan Branch is going on here? Even worse, he's the 11th ranked OLB right ahead a bunch of schmos named Gary Guyton, Alvin Bowen, Robert James, and "Better Than" Ezra Butler.

OK, so the guy has a tendency for cheap shots, can't be trusted on special teams and generally doesn't have a clue what's going on most of the time.

But Crable is hands down the most intimidating player I've seen up close other than Sean Taylor.

And the last time we checked, there aren't too many 6-5 freakshow linebackers that run 4.5 40s, jump over entire offensive lines and eat pieces of shit like Brady Quinn for breakfast. Give this man a chance!

DUDE, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

We know: We come off as major buzzkills.

But the excitement over the CBI just continues to blow our minds. From Tulsa's Official Athletics Web Site:

One by one, Tulsa's players climbed a ladder to cut down their own portion of the nets.

Remnants of a sellout crowd chanted "T-U! T-U!" and cheered with each snip of the nets as the Golden Hurricane celebrated a 70-64 win over Bradley on Friday night and the first ever championship of the College Basketball Invitational....

Third-year Tulsa coach Doug Wojcik pumped his fist repeatedly and mouthed "Thank you" during his time atop the ladder, the culmination of a groundswell of support created by his team's participation in the CBI.

"The energy in the building, the fans, the excitement, the enthusiasm, that's why you do what you do as a coach," Wojcik said. "This is a special moment in my life and hopefully a lot of people's lives in this building tonight that they'll never forget."


Get a grip on reality people! Next year, we demand that security surrounds the nets like goalposts at a college football game and forbids teams from cutting down the nets. Or carrying players off the court. Or any celebration of any sort.