It's a shame we can't include Wayne's entire social diatribe from DontGetIt, but that's not how this blog rolls. Our favorite excerpt:
"Uh, Mr. Al Sharpton, here's why I don't respect you and nobody like you.
Mmm hmm, see you're the type that gets off on gettin' on other people. That's not good - no homo.
And rather unhuman I should say. I mean, given the fact that humanity - well, good humanity, rather - to me, is helpin' one another, no matter your color or race.
But this guy - and people like him - they'd rather speculate before they informate, if that's a word..."
At first glance, "informate" seems like a nonexistent form of the word "inform."
But upon further inspection, Weezy might be using double entendres on our ass. It turns out "infumate" is the act of exposing something to (read: weed) smoke.
And maybe we're just scratching the surface with this. Who knows, Weezy could be using triple or, dare I say, quadruple entendres here.
Maybe Weezy F. really is a nonsensical genius...
Posted by The Realests at 12:31 PM
Already thinking about the 2009 NBA Draft? We got you covered.
If you thought Knicks fans gave Danilo Gallinari a harsh reception last night, wait until they get a load of Ricky Rubio next year (over/under on Knicks victories: 22).
Already being called the next Pistol Pete, this 17-year old twerp looks like your paper boy. Yeah, let's see how that goes over at The Garden.
But this white boy has skillz and is going to be the breakout star of the Beijing Olympics.
And when you consider the entire freshman class was napalmed last night, he's got a decent shot to go No. 1 unless B.J. Mullens becomes the next Greg Oden at OSU (Blake Griffin? Eh, we're not sold.)
We're reserving our seats for the WaMu theater first thing Monday.
Posted by The Realests at 6:24 PM
Today's choice cut from the aptly titled "Don't Get It":
"Dropping ashes in the bible, I shake 'em out and they fall on the rifle. Scary, Hail Mary, no tale fairy. All real very, extraordinary."
Tale fairy? Really, Wayne? Don't we give rappers enough leniancy with half-rhymes and such that you don't have to resort to tale fairy?
What's next, rapping in pig latin to make things rhyme? Oh wait, Juvenile basically already did that...
Editor's Note: We're glad to see Maceo Baston is in good spirits after getting shipped to Toronto like a crate of tomato cans, as he makes an excellent point about "tail fairy." Cheers, Maceo.
Posted by The Realests at 10:54 AM
This is always the worst time of year for sports fans. Once the NBA Draft is done, we'll be stuck with MLB all summer as we count down the days 'til football returns.
For blogs, it means a lot of filler posts and pointless drivel.
But that all changed a couple days ago with the first major beef in the sports blogosphere: The Big Lead vs. Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber.
A quick recap:
- TBL's Jason McIntyre gets interviewed for an L.A. Times story on sports blogs
- Deadspin's Will Leitch puts McIntyre on blast for quotes Leitch views as selling out
- McIntyre responds saying he wants no part in the beef and takes a dig at KSK's Matt Ufford in the process
- Ufford goes apeshit and rips McIntyre apart in a post entitled, "Jason McIntyre, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes"
Damn, it feels like the Source Awards in here:
As the 69th most influential sports blog in the world, we feel obligated to take sides on this one - but we're torn:
In our mind, TBL is now a far better blog than Deadspin. We at least skim over every single post at TBL, while we find ourselves just clicking "Mark All As Read" with Deadspin.
That being said, McIntyre's position of "becoming more ethical the bigger your blog gets" is obviously indefensible.
On the flip side of that, Will Leitch's "King of the Blogosphere" act is getting old. He acts like he doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks, but then spends his entire book explaining himself with idiotic logic (i.e. putting up pictures of wasted athletes makes them "more real"). If Leitch spent as much time on Deadspin's content as he does defending himself, maybe the site would still be a must-read. And dude: If you really don't care what anyone thinks, stop talking about it!
As for KSK, did they overreact a little bit? Yes. But these guys are complete savages. Everyone already knew that. Like the old Snoop Dogg, the guys at KSK are completely out of their damn minds and ready to pop off on anyone. Now that's real.
So basically we're just hoping this escalates and gets completely out of hand.
Posted by The Realests at 10:14 AM
Today's selection comes to you from "Dr. Carter":
"Swagger tighter than a yeast infection. Fly go hard like geese erection."
Yeast infections and geese erections? Is this the extent of what Weezy studied at med school?
Do us a favor: If Lil Wayne ever ends up operating on us, just pull the plug...
Posted by The Realests at 12:59 PM
Lil Wayne is getting dumber by the day. And at the rate he is going right now - combined with all the cough syrup he must be pounding on a nightly basis - the man could be a complete vegetable by Thanksgiving.
Take a peep at this Q&A conducted by Rolling Stone:
Q: On "Mr. Carter," Jay-Z calls you "my heir, Young Carter" — that had to feel pretty cool.
A: That line right there was hard! Unbelievable. I didn't even realize it at first. My homie had to tell me "You know what he said, right?" I didn't even get it. I was like, "Why is he saying 'air'? Is he just talking about the air?" But I'm smart enough to know that he's smart enough not to just be talking about the air.
Does this remind anyone of the scene in The 40-Year Old Virgin when Jay gets into it with a customer?
"First of all, you throwin' too many big words at me, and because I don't understand 'em I'm gonna take 'em as disrespect."
Thankfully this time beef was avoided.
Posted by The Realests at 9:42 AM
We wish we were half as cool as these guys.
After the first 20 seconds of this clip, you might believe this is a parody. You'd be mistaken. This was actually shown on NBC after Saturday Night Live here in New York.
Even better, we were once at a party with Dan "The Man." Without having seen this, we immediately commented on what a douche he was.
We had no idea:
We're putting 3-1 odds on at least one of these guys belonging to the Michigan chapter of Beta.
Posted by The Realests at 1:49 PM
Did we overreact to Michigan's new away uniform? Maybe.
Then again, maybe not.
Apparently unsatisfied with stealing the basketball coach, football coach (plus their entire staffs) and West Virginia's uniforms, Michigan athletic director Bill Martin announced today that Big Blue will no longer don the traditional winged helmets.
The new Michigan helmet will look suspiciously similar to the Mountaineers - a blue helmet with the new interlocking UM logo on the side - to the delight of Dick Rod.
"Sooooo weeeeee - let the Big Dog eat!" Rod shouted at a press conference announcing the change.
"We have to fave facts: The winged helmet, like everything in this athletic department, was great at one time. But now it is old and stale," said Martin. "If Fielding Yost were here today, I think he'd be proud to be a West Vir... er, Michigan Man."
Martin concluded by openly acknowledging the similarity between the two helmets but added: "West Virginia can eat my ass."
Image credit: T Dizzle
Posted by The Realests at 2:11 PM
Today's selection comes from "Mr. Carter":
I feel big! Not, not "big" in the sense of weight, you know like gaining weight or - nothing like that. But like COLOSSAL, you know what I mean? Like... (Sigh)
We know dog, we know - (Sigh)... Now are you gonna pass the 'Tussin or what?
Posted by The Realests at 10:30 AM
Well that didn't take long. During his second night on the job, Jerry Manuel got into it with Mets shortstop Jose Reyes after yanking his start SS due to injury.
Afterward, South Side Jerry made it clear he ain't gonna be anyone's bitch like Willie Randolph. Said Manuel:
"I told him next time he does that I'm going to get my blade out and cut him. I'm a gangster. You go gangster on me, I'm going to have to get you.
I would do anything to have seen the look on Omar Minaya's face when he read that; you get destroyed in the media over firing the old manager and two days later your new guy is threatening to stab the franchise cornerstone.
Posted by The Realests at 4:24 PM
It's just sad watching Sports Illustrated whittle down to nothing every week. Soon it's going to be the size of Derek Zoolander's cell phone.
But it's even sadder watching SI throws its journalistic integrity right out the window for a quick buck of ad revenue.
If you look in this week's issue, you'll find the special "Time Out" (read: advertising) section brought to you by McDonald's with a quote you'd normally find in SI's "Sign of the Apocalypse" section.
Q: You've been adamant in your blog (on TysonGay.net) about love for McDonald's. Safe to say you're a fan?
A: Yeah, I love that place. It means a lot to me when I see the golden arches in a foreign country. It makes my day. Even if I'm in a different environment, you can still feel good about yourself. I feel comfortable and energized, and I can say that I had a good meal.
Tyson, what the shit are you talking about?
Later, Gay goes on to list his hobbies as deforestation, poaching endangered animals and driving his Hummers in circles.
Posted by The Realests at 11:00 AM
In a story that's flown completely under the radar this NFL offseason, LaDainian Tomlinson has officially been cleared for practice with the San Diego Chargers after completely tearing his vulva in last year's AFC Championship Game vs. the Patriots.
Obviously people don't realize the severity of this injury, which has plagued Ken Griffey Jr. for the last decade or so.
LT went under full reconstructive surgery in February and has been rehabbing 24/7 since. This could be the most courageous return to football since Robert Edwards. He's already got our vote for Comeback Player of the Year just for having the courage to step onto the field.
Thanks LT - you're an inspiration to us all.
Posted by The Realests at 1:50 PM
Did anyone else break down crying during the Kevin Garnett interview?
"*O&#*&*^&*$%$^&&*&()*)(*(%%@#!#$%$Y^*&((*%$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Michelle you look good tonight, girl."
It wasn't quite his Grenades, M-16s, Uzis speech, but it was close:
Realest of the Week? Done. The streets is already talking about Realest of the Year.
Between that and the debut of Weezy F. Baby's blog, it's been an emotional day here at The Realests:
Posted by The Realests at 11:58 PM
Our first reaction to hearing Michigan would be switching from Nike to adidas was, "At least we'll get rid of that stupid Maize pipping."
Au contraire... mon freres.
Somehow we've managed to combine the shitty quality of Adidas and the tackiness of West Virginia with these clunkers rumored to be Michigan's new road jerseys.
Surely this will piss WVU off even more and result in another lawsuit, for which Bill Martin should be commended.
But wow these look terrible. How did we go from having the best uniform in sports to this in just three years (I guess the home uniform still hasn't changed...)?
And if they start passing out Davey Crockett hats at Michigan Stadium, we're calling for Martin's job - and his real estate license.
Posted by The Realests at 10:30 AM
Former Ohio State linebacker Robert Reynolds has been suspended for a full year by the NFL for juicing and will likely retire.
Gee, who would have ever suspected 'roid rage for a guy that almost choked Jim Sorgi to death on the football field?
Posted by The Realests at 1:29 PM
We thought we'd heard the last of these clowns with the Kings' nosedive into NBA obscurity, but apparently not.
Such is life as a media whore.
After wondering aloud "Who are those two white doofuses in the Lollipop video?" we discovered it's none other than Joe and Gavin Maloof, playboy extraordinares who also own the Palms Casino.
Go straight to 2:45; hijinx ensue:
We can just picture the director: "Joe, Gav: You see how Birdman mean-mugged while he was throwing his chips into the middle? Do it JUST LIKE THAT.... PERFECT!!!!"
Apparently, the house in the video is the Maloof mansion in Vegas. Making it even worse, the Magoof brothers are featured in the David Banner's "Get Like Me" video.
Years from now people will look back and mark this as the official moment hip-hop died. R.I.P.
Posted by The Realests at 12:59 PM
You'd think after 15 years in New York, the fine people at the New York Post would learn Michael Strahan's position. You would be mistaken. From yesterday's paper:
"Even NBC is getting in line to talk to the Hall of Fame linebacker, who can turn on the charm and talk like a college professor about football."
I mean you expect these kinds of mistake in garbage local papers - say, The Ann Arbor News - but this is absurd.
Posted by The Realests at 9:50 AM
It's a beautiful thing to watch Elijah Dukes and Milton Bradley step their games up after we just named them the No. 3 and No. 5 biggest cancers in sports, respectively.
Last night, Bradley went after a Royals announcer then broke down in the KC locker room for after what Milton perceived as a diss.
A night earlier, Dukes showed up the opposing pitcher, got into an argument with DC manager Manny Acta and then - in very third-grade fashion - shafted Acta during the postgame high-five line.
(How is there no video of this online?!?!)
Milton, we're sorry. But we've got to name Dukes R.O.W. for his amazing immaturity and forcing Acta to put up with his shit (Seriously, what kind of line is "What happens in Pittsburgh stays in Pittsburgh"???) despite the fact Dukes is barely above the Mendoza Line.
This can only end badly. And we love it.
Posted by The Realests at 11:15 AM
We don't want this to come off derogatory... but this is pretty gay.
Introducing MTV's newest reality show, "Bromance":
The network has committed to six episodes of "Bromance"... The show, from Ryan Seacrest's production company, will feature a group of "regular guys" who come to Hollywood and compete in a series of challenges from skydiving to dealing with the paparazzi -- in the hopes of ultimately being chosen by Jenner to become part of his entourage.
Along the way, contestants will be whittled down via "Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies" after which rejected "bros" will be asked to leave the bachelor pad dripping wet in a swimsuit, luggage in hand. Bringing to mind various dating reality shows, contestants also will have shots at a "group date" and "alone time" with Jenner in every episode.
From Ryan Seacrest's production company? Well that explains it.
But how does MTV sign off on this crap? People tune in to these reality shows to watch contestants A) act like whores and B) get wasted and do something really stupid.
A bunch of dudes sitting around in a hot tub trying to get in Brody Jenner's trunks? Not so much.
The only way this show can be redeemed is if BJ walks out to meet the cast for the first time and goes: "You guys signed up for a show called "Bromance"? Seriously broseidons, come out of the closet already. Now get the f*ck off my property."
Posted by The Realests at 11:31 AM
We haven't been this excited since Black Friday.
Tha Carter III, Lil Wayne's much-hyped, much-anticipated album finally drops today.
Weezy is a man of extremes. Like everything with him, we expect the album to be an instant classic or a giant flop. Diddy says it's the former - for what that's worth. We hope so, but wouldn't be surprised if we had another Beg for Mercy on our hands.
And it's hard to take a man seriously when he thinks making out with his crew is gangster and Corey Lidle's death is a sign of the Apocalypse.
But no one appreciates the fine line between stupidity and sheer genius like we do here at The Realests. (DMX toed the line beautifully until somewhere into The Great Depression, when crack took over his brain.) As a celebration of all things Wayne, the following are his five most wack/genius rhymes of all time:
5. "When I was 5 my favorite movie was The Gremlins. Ain't got shit to do with this but I thought I should mention."
4. "You say tomato I say tamata. You say get em I say got em."
3. "Cheese n**** where my macaroni? Baby I get up in that ass and act a donkey."
2. "My flow crazy I ain't too sane. But I am thee shit & they just poop stain."
1. "I have no brain, I am retarded. We are not the same, I'm a Martian."
Now that we think of it, maybe Tha Carter III will be both. A classic shit sandwich, if you will. In that case, maybe we've got another Dynasty on our hands.
Posted by The Realests at 11:11 AM
"So I'm repelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip and I start to fall. I mean, I'm about to die.
Just falling... Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!... I'll never forget the terror.
When suddenly I remember, "Holy shit. Ricky... haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days? And couldn't some of this, maybe, be in your mind??"
It was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius!!"
Posted by The Realests at 1:43 PM
We're still not quite sure what to make of John Beilein's recruiting.
He seems to have resigned himself to losing every significant prep player from Detroit, instead scouring the globe to land Robin Benzing of Germany.
Well if it's gonna be that kind of party, we might have located the next big thing in Michigan basketball.
The name is Leonid Stadnyk.
The downside: He's 36 and still lives with his mother in the Ukraine.
The upside: He's the tallest man in the world at 8-foot-5 and could dunk Tom Izzo.
Stadnyk would be a project - no question. But hey, he can't be any worse than Josh Moore...
Posted by The Realests at 12:50 PM
We thought we needed our heads examined when we saw this: Jessica Alba is #34 on the Maxim Hot 100?!?!
Have you seen the picture of the Dark Angel bending over, people??? (You can find that yourself, this is a family blog.)
I thought men's magazines hit rock bottom when one ranked Jessica behind Band Camp from American Pie a couple years ago, but this is unacceptable.
They've got Jess behind a bunch of washed-up has-beens (Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Britney Spears*, Lindsay Lohan, Sarah Michelle Gellar) and overrated teenie-boppers (Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Ashlee Tisdale).
In our minds, this is worse than the Jayson Blair scandal at the New York Times. The Times is nothing without its journalistic integrity and Maxim is nothing without its ability to correctly judge hot girls.
Nothing less than a public apology and cleaning house from the EIC to their janitors will suffice.
Otherwise, you're dead to us.
Posted by The Realests at 12:15 PM
That's right, it's again time to harp on all that plagues sports. The countdown rolls on with Part II of the Biggest Cancers in Sports (click here for Part I).
5. Milton Bradley
We gotta admit: If our name was Milton Bradley, we'd be pretty pissed off too. But no matter how much torture he endured as a child, no one could have predicted he'd turn into this monster.
In Cleveland he pissed off his own teammates so much by showboating after homers that a sign in his own clubhouse read: "Shut up and play." As a Dodger, he took his anger out on the balls. Always down for a reclamation project, even the A's shipped his ass out though he was batting near .300.
And in San Diego, well everyone knows how that turned out...
4. Ricky Davis
You know how we feel about Ricky D. This whole website was inspired by him.
As noted earlier, he probably has the worst winning percentage of any player in NBA history. Bill Simmons has nicknamed him the "Ebola Virus." He's shot on his own hoop in an attempt at a triple double. He's bitched out LeBron and been passed around more than a Saigon whore.
We'd have him higher on this list but Rick hasn't done anything extremely stupid in awhile. Dude, you've changed.
3. Elijah Dukes
Listing Dukes' troubles is too exhausting so click here instead.
We'll leave it at this: he's strangled a teammate, been suspended every single season since high school and threatened to kill his wife and kids. Rays manager Joe Maddon readily admits it's a relief Dukes is gone and, in his absence, even Tampa is good.
The Nationals were crazy enough to trade for him with a delusional Jim Bowden picturing this guy hitting clean up for the next decade. Instead, the guy's batting a whopping .148 this year.
2. Chad Johnson
It'd be easy to place Chad Johnson atop this. But you know what? He wants to be atop this list. Out of spite, he will have to settle for No. 2. SO EAT IT!!!
Tired of not getting enough attention, Chad tried to make news yesterday by saying he'd report to training camp (flip!), then immediately saying he won't report. Hey Chad: No one cares if you play next season, just like no one cares Barry Bonds isn't playing right now.
It's pretty sad when an athlete calls into SportsCenter to bitch and by the end, even Brian Kenny is begging you to get off the line.
1. Stephon Marbury
The Patrick Ewing Theory fits Starbury perfectly (ex: Minnesota, New Jersey, Phoenix) except he's not any good, so it really shouldn't come as a surprise. But somehow there's always a team willing to take a risk on him.
Marbury went completely AWOL this year by ditching his teammates, blackmailing his coach (not that Isiah didn't deserve it...) and shutting it down with season-ending surgery that just-so-happened-to-be much more complicated than originally thought.
Now that D'Antoni is in charge, Steph is rededicating himself by "running in the mountains," a.k.a. smoking a lot of weed.
P.S. Surprised these guys weren't on the list? We're listing these cats as "in remission" because at any moment they could rear their ugly head again (feel free to add your own):
- Terrell Owens
- A.J. Pierzynski
- Randy Moss
- Jerry Porter
- Allen Iverson
Posted by The Realests at 10:28 AM
"Hey Joe, it's me. Zeke. Have you gotten my texts? Come on dog, turn your phone on.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know I heard about Flip. I'm on a bus right now in Slovakia headed to the airport. I've got a direct flight into DE-troit. Mind pickin' me up?
It's been awhile, Joe. I just wanted to catch up a little bit. I'd love to help with your search for a new coach. Just one old friend helping another out.
I've been thinking a lot about what will get our Pistons back over the hump. Wanted to throw a couple ideas by you.
Just imagine this starting 5 for next year: Sam Cassell... Corey Maggette... Ricky Davis... Mark Blount... and my main man Eddy Curry...
Marinate on that, Joe.
And don't worry about the draft, man. I was just scouting Darko's half-cousin for the Knicks and trust me - this kid's the real deal Holyfield.
I'll call you right before my flight out of Bratislava.
By the way, how are the interns at The Palace this year? Any hotties?
Oh yeah, and please don't let any of my illegitimate children know I'm coming to town. Those little shits have almost milked me dry. Ya heard?
Talk to you soon JD3. Holla at ya boy."
Posted by The Realests at 11:31 AM
There's a little too many feel-good stories going around sports these days.
The Celtics and Lakers are meeting in the NBA Finals again, the Wings are one win away from another Stanley Cup and Big Brown is on the verge of the Triple Crown.
It's time for a reality check to remind everyone about everything that poisons the games.
Plus, the landscape of sports' biggest cancers has changed dramatically the last couple years and needs updating.
Just as a note, we've only included players on this list. It just got a little too complicated when you factor in Isiah Thomas, James Dolan, Matt Millen, Bill Bidwell, Donald Sterling, etc. Maybe we'll break that down another time.
Without further adieu, here's The Top 10 Biggest Cancers in Sports:
10. Eddy Curry
As everybody except Isiah already knew, Curry has 0 fight in him. Once asked how he could get more rebounds with the Bulls, coach Scott Skiles replied: "Jump." He's only gotten worse during his time in New York, as his weight has ballooned.
Benched off and on throughout last season, he looked completely numb to the punishment all year. In the most telling quote about Curry, Jerome Jones once said of him in an apparent compliment: "He gets 20 points a game with no effort."
9. Jose Guillen
In 2004, Guillen went bat-shit crazy on Angels manager Mike Scioscia after getting pulled for a pinch runner; Guillen was suspended the last two weeks of the regular season. Guillen stuck it to the Angels a year later by narcing on pitcher Brendan Donnelly for using an illegal substance on his glove.
Most recently, with the Royals' season heading down the shitter, Guillen ripped his teammates, saying: "We've got too many babies here... Now I know why this organization has been losing for a while." Mark our words, he won't make it through July in KC.
8. Jeremy Shockey
Once beloved by Giants fans, New Yorkers have turned on him after marching to the Super Bowl with Kevin Boss in his place. We're not sold on Eli Manning yet, but how was the guy expected to play well with Shockey bitching in his ear after every single play about how the Shock-dog was wide open?
Not only did Shockey pull a no-show for the Super Bowl, he skipped out on the ring ceremony as well. And of course there's the annual headache of forcing Shockey to workout with his teammates instead of pumping iron at The U.
7. Brandon Lloyd
Reported to be despised in the San Francisco locker room, Daniel Snyder fell in love with his highlight reel catches and threw $30 million at him. The two-year results: 25 catches, 0 TD. You do the math.
Lloyd basically separated himself from the entire team, showing up late for meetings (which resulted in a suspension) and always the first one out of the locker room according to DC Sports Bog's Dan Steinberg.
Chicago is now taking a chance on him by reuniting Lloyd with his former college coach, O-coordinator Ron Turner. Good luck with that.
6. Darius Miles
We should have known Jordan stating he would have picked Miles No. 1 was the kiss of death. I'll admit it, I've got his signed high school jersey framed in my basement, which I couldn't trade for a pack of saltine crackers. I even got caught up in the head knocks phase. Like bafoons, the Blazers chucked $48 at Miles after breaking through to become a double-digit scorer.
Aside from one 47-point game, since then it's been all downhill. In 2005, he humiliated coach Mo Cheeks in practice with racial slurs and stated he didn't care if Portland lost the next 20 games. The Blazers cut him this April, giving away the remaining $27.25 million to D-Miles for salary cap relief in a move that must make Paul Allen puke every day.
Miles has most recently been seen making it rain with Dennis Dixon and reportedly stuffing his face with bonbons. At least he's still got his acting career...
Stay tuned for Part II dropping on Wednesday.
Posted by The Realests at 12:16 PM