MICHIGAN STATE GAME RUNNING BLOG

7:00 - Jim insults me yet again. I'm done with this blog.

7:03 - What's the over/under on how many times Steve Lavin says Signature Win? Jim thinks its at 15. I think Steve Lavin should have got some Signature Wins when he was coaching at UCLA.

7:05 - 2 minutes into the game the score is 1-0, Michigan. On one hand, this is a great thing because we are leading. On the other hand, we are behind the pace of Tommy Amaker's great Point-A-Minute Teams.

7:09 - Musburger is treating Neitzel like a flu-ridden Jordan in the NBA Finals. This is going to get old really fast. Also, Jim is wondering whether Drew Naymick is a firecrotch. (Insert your own joke here).

7:12 - We got bored during the commercial break and decided to see if our faithful reader from Cary, North Carolina was reading the blog. Unfortunately, he/she/they weren't on when we checked. But we have a feeling that we missed him by just a second.

7:13 - Tommy Amaker is covered in sweat. He's clearly feeling the pressure of the hot seat. It's either that or his wool mock turtleneck has finally gotten the better of him.

7:15 - Courtney Sims is looking less and less like Ludacris as the days go by.

7:16 - Jim's order from Comfort Diner has arrived. He has ordered delivery from there despite the fact that we recently checked their health and sanitation rating and it was 6 times worse than the rating the rat infested Taco Bell had.

7:17 - I don't care what you say, but college basketball is nowhere near as good as the NBA. This is unwatchable! I could watch the two worst teams in the NBA play and at least people would be hitting their jump shots.

7:19 - Tommy Amaker's offense works to perfection. The team dribbles the ball around the perimeter for 32 seconds and Jerret Smith is given a foul on a bail-out call on a three pointer. Perfection, Tommy. Just like you drew it up.

7:21 - Winthrop would throttle Michigan in a matchup. We're actively hoping that we don't win this game just so that we don't make the tournament and get embarrassed.

7:22 - The Fighting Amaker's are still behind the pace of the Point-A-Minute Teams. Things are looking really promising. The floodgates are about to open/close.

7:26 - Michigan is going on one of its trademarked field goal droughts. It's almost as if this team doesn't have any offensive sets...

7:27 - Smith hits a three. We take back our disparaging comments about the offense - clearly, dribble for 30 seconds and then heaving up a three is the right way to go.

7:28 - Dion Harris is on a hot streak. 2 field goals in a row. Amaker is furious at this show of efficiency.

7:30 - Great Michigan possession. Petway fails to realize he has an open dunk, loses the ball, Smith picks it up, and passes it to Petway behind the backboard, Petway throws it back to the top of the key, someone throws it out of bounds. How do you think Tommy diagrammed that?

7:35 - Musburger keeps referring to Lavin as "Coach." I understand people like Bob Knight carrying that title all their lives. But Steve Lavin?

7:38 - Watching the Maize Rage popcorn is like watching old people have sex. Get hyped people (granted, it is Spring Break)!

7:43 - Erin Andrews just broke down the Florida Gators. When did ex-cheerleaders become lead analysts?

7:46 - We have a DeShawn Sims sighting!!!!

7:48 - Two of the most amazing things just happened. Brent just mocked Crazy Horse's horse hat. Hey Brent, the guy is mentally handicapped - give him a break! And a big thumbs up to the guy in the background wearing "Paterno Wears Depends".

8:11 - The second half is underway and Vagina Face is dominating down low again.

8:13 - We are Petway's biggest critics but that was ABSURD.

8:25 - 8-0 run by State. OK, finally the wheels start to look like they are coming off. Amaker is still sweating bullets....

8:38 - How are we up 9? This is killing our blogging.

8:44 - Moses smell the roses! Who is this guy and what did he do with Dion Harris?!

8:49 - After watching Sims just get owned by Naymick, the countdown has officially started for Sims-Oden II.

8:52 - Oh boy, Musburger is starting with the Neitzel flu talk again. It's only a matter of time until he drops the Michael Jordan reference.

8:58 - Did Walton almost punch Izzo in the face? I love how Lavin is talking about what a master motivator Izzo is. State is caving.

9:00 - Munchkins and the midgets? What the hell?

9:01 - Tommy, why the timeout? Run the swirly play! This is what the swirly play was invented for!

9:03 - Who is that crazy lady screaming like banshee?! Someone get the mic away from her.

9:07 - Go Blue - we rule.

BACK TO REALETY

Been a lot of beef around here recently. You can catch up here:

Original Clap
Rebuttal Clap
Unwarranted Clap
Standing Ovation
Return of the Zubino

But now, let's get back to business.

We recently saw the nine and a half minute Justin Timberlake video for "What Goes Around" starring Scarlet Johanson. We thought it sucked. From the acting, to Timberlake TimberPunching his best friend, to the slow motion car crash...the whole thing was a disaster.

As usual, we believe that our cinematic endeavors are infinitely better than this crap sandwich. Our movies are funnier, more dramatic, more succinct, and have much better acting.

A real disaster...


REAL disasters...

FIX YOUR FACE

"Now the team got beef between the post and the point. This puts the ring in jeopardy, indefinitely." - Jay-Z


I didn't want it to come to this. But the relationship has been fractured beyond repair. I've been listening to "Black Republicans" nonstop for the past 24 hours. Trying to find it in my heart to dead this beef and get back to business. Trying to get my sights off of weak ass targets like Jim and The Zubino. Trying to reunite us and get to work on obliterating the bozos out there. But everytime I try to get out, they drag me back in. But if you want it like this, this is how it's gonna be. Just like Nas, "I'll embrace y'all with napalm."

This started as a beef between me and Jim. A dispute that I took to the streets. But like a bad strain of E. Coli, it just keeps spreading. Now the Zubino wants some with me as evidenced by his totally unwarranted attack on me in his last post and his equally odd jocking of Jim. Maybe they're hiding something from me....


I don't know why The Zubino wants it with me, because "all I did was give him a style to run with." That's another Nas line, in case you were wondering Zubino.

When are you guys going to realize that I'm trying to do something bigger here. I'm trying to spread a message of Realety and you guys are hell bent on destroying everything we've worked for. Like Al Pacino said in Any Given Sunday, "You're tearin' this team apaaaart!"

I don't know how all this is going to end. But as usual, Jay-Z summed it up best:

"It's bigger than both of us. It's not really about us. I mean it is, but it really isn't. It's more about the culture, about showing people another way, because the battle we staged was something that stopped the world. Now everyone emulates the battle. 'If I do that, I can get attention drawn to me.' Now everyone is emulating the end result. So now we have to show them another way."

If I need to rent out Continental Arena and hold an "I Declare Peace" concert to end this nonsense, then I'll do it. Whatever it takes. Maybe then we can turn our sights on the real enemy here, the brother that abandoned us - JBM. But if you guys don't want to do that, if you want this to end Biggie/Pac style, then I can do that too.

"Can't clean my act up for good. Too much thug in me." - Nas

ZUBINO ON 24: CLAPFEST

The Great Zubino
Realests Correspondent

I feel the reason 24 has not been appealing this season is because the writers are having a hard time being original. They are on their 6th season (with a 7th contract signed and a movie in the talks after) and have exhausted plenty of ideas. The show has made up for itself in the past couple weeks, but to understand what might happen in 24, you have to think about originality. In the scene where Phillip Bauer had Jack on his knees, many different scenarios could have happened. We’re gonna break this down by the biggest fans' thoughts.

Total Dumbass/Varun: Marilyn would shoot Phillip before he could kill Jack
Analysis: Good try Varun, but be original dunnie. The writers have done this many times.

Makes Sense/Jim: Phillip would jump off the building due to his guilt and give Jack a way to find Gredencko.
Analysis: This would have been a good play, putting more emotions onto Bauer, but they have exhausted many characters and that would be pretty extreme.

Total Genius/Zubin: Phillip runs away while Jack runs through a “I tried to make you happy, dad...” speech
Analysis: I’m The Realest.

Bringing back Logan is a good move, but wouldn’t he be in prison?

And to both Varun and Jim - I just have one Lil’ Wayne line to end this feud:
“And when it come down to this recording, I must be Lebron James if they're Jordan.”

Respect Everything.

UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED V FALLS

I only have one thing to say about Varun. Yesterday, I called him the "Rasheed Wallace of the apartment" because of all his unfulfilled gurantees. But it just struck me that Varun is also the Britney Spears of the apartment.

For those that don't know, after a particularly sloppy night a couple months ago, Varun pledged a "year of sobriety" which, in actuality, only ended up lasting about three weeks.

Now after getting shitfaced Monday night and missing his Tuesday class, Varun has decided to give up alcohol for Lent (by the way, no Varun isn't Catholic and no, Varun isn't Christian either).

Like Britney, it's only a matter of time until Varun gets wasted again, pukes on himself, shaves his head and gets little heart tattoos on his wrist.

I'm going to go ahead and book a spot at the Promises treatment centre now ...

OUR "BOTTOM 100" PITCH TO FORBES

You see a lot of poverty in New York City. We were reminded us this last night when we turned down a bum and he told us to go get in a car crash.

Right then and there, an idea was born: the Forbes "Bottom 100."

Or as we like to call it, THE DERELICTE CAMPAIGN.

That’s right, we're looking for the 100 least wealthy people in this country. This would be no small undertaking - scouring every major city in America for absolute rock bottom. We’re confident in the process to weed out the fughazis. For example, anyone with a shopping cart is automatically disqualified. Ditto for those with a musical instrument.

On the flip side, you get bonus points for every tooth that is missing.

We're holding an open casting call later this week for the cover of the magazine. We'll provide the garbage bag tuxedos.

Hands down, the early favorite is the guy we saw shitting on the West 4th St. subway platform last year.

We are immediately dropping this off at Forbes’ 5th Avenue headquarters just around the block and will let you know as soon as we are given the green light.

REQUIEM FOR A REALEST

The Realests have always had a tenuous relationship. Observers have never really known if we are on the brink of insanity or genius, friendship or hatred, realety or reality. For the outside world, it's a fun game to play - we imagine that all of our loyal readers stand in awe of our ability to shun the normal occurrences of the everyday world and stick to our one task in life: being real.

Well, the facade is starting to crumble. The chinks in the armor are starting to show. And it ain't pretty. Major events have transpired in the last few days which have lead one half of The Realests to battle the other half.

Major Event #1: Dwight Howard's All-Star Dunk


Quite simply, it was breathtaking. The showmanship. The freakshow ability. The tape measure. The sign. The midget that threw him the ball. The Sticker. Oh yes, the sticker. That is where this story begins. D-How, in one swift motion, placed a sticker damn near on top of the backboard and obliterated the rim. The sticker simply said "All things through Christ."

Major Event #2: Britney Shears

We've always pulled for Britney to make a huge comeback. We wanted her to dump K-Fed, sell her kids, hit the gym, and put out an album of bangers. Well, things went the other direction. There was puke, a refusal to wear underwear, and the decision to go V For Vendetta on us. The shearing incident took place after only one day in rehab.


Major Event #3: Monday Night Crew (2/19/07)

In what can only be described as a superhuman feat, I carry Jim for nearly 8 games of beer pong (including the spectacle of hitting not one, not two, but three last cups to ensure victory in a triple overtime classic) before the disc between my 5th and 6th vertebra slipped and we tumble to defeat. To shore up Jim's shattered ego, I pump his head full of misinformation - telling him that we are a "team" and that he can come through at any moment. All hogwash.

Major Event #4: Lent

Lent is coming up. Clove would always give up drinking for Lent. Now I will do the same.


Usually, me making a proclamation like this wouldn't mean a whole lot to anyone, not even myself. But it struck a unique nerve with Jim. It's thrown him off his game. And if there is one thing that is important to me, it is destroying Jim.

Jim flew into a rage when I told him. He threatened to lock himself in his room for a month and listen to Damien Rice for 40 days and 40 nights. He threw insults at me. He tore apart a friendship/not-friendship that has survived the infamous Woodley Era, the "Suck on these sour balls" era, and the "Potential Academy Award Winning Screenwriters" Era.

But then Jim pulled us back from the brink of disaster by hurling what he thought would be an insult at me. Unfortunately, I took it as the highest compliment.

He said, "You are the Rasheed Wallace of the apartment. Guarantees every other day. They mean nothing."

Well, the thing about me and 'Sheed is that we hit them when they count. We hit them when they count.

UNCLE PHIL'S DOUBLE LIFE

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is one of our favorite shows of all time. It has withstood the test of time admirably and its syndication episodes are the only thing that get us through the early evening TV doldrums.

We've had countless reasons for liking the show. We've always identified with Will Smith's valiant effort to bring realness to people not accustomed to being real. Additionally, we think that the show got really lucky with both of the daughters turning out to be hot - things could have been very shaky if Ashley turned out to be a dog.

Anyway, there's always been something we haven't been able to pinpoint about the show. Today, we figured it out.

Uncle Phil also did the voice for Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.

That's right - not only was he a rich lawyer/judge in the Beverly Hills, but he was also a crazed villain hell-bent on destroying 4 turtles and a giant rat. This remarkable diversity explains his effortless ability to transition through scenes and attack even the toughest emotional dialogue with ease. Not any may can convincingly portray a wealthy, African American lawyer and a crazy cartoon villain.
Now, it would be one thing for James Avery to handle each of these roles at separate times. But for 4 years, Avery was taking on double duty. That's right - he managed to play both Uncle Phil and Shredder... AT THE SAME TIME. I wonder if Will Smith knew about that moonlighting...

Here's to you James Avery/Uncle Phil/Shredder.

THE "SHANE BATTIER" RULE

Every rule has a genesis, a starting point, a reason d'etre. Not sure if I used that right. Spanish isn't my strong suit. Some rules are passed to generally improve a game (no hand-checking, the three-point line, instant replay) and other rules are passed to target certain players (the Hack-a-Shaq rule).

Well, we've finally figured out why the NBA decided to impose an age limit which essentially forces kids to play a year of college ball before living the NBA life. None of the NBA's proffered reasons seemed to make a lot of sense to us. Sure, some kids were throwing their lives away because they thought they were better than they actually were. Sure, some of the kids coming out were too immature. But come on - those aren't good enough reasons.

At first we thought that the age limit was just a ruse to ruin the college basketball game. Roy Williams said on PTI recently that it takes him at least 3-4 years to really teach his players the game and run a real system. With guys coming to college for only a year, Roy has to teach the same thing year after year. Now, this isn't going to hurt the Greg Odens and Kevin Durants of the world, but it sure as hell is going to stunt the growth of those humble kids who bravely dream of the NBA but want a degree and choose to stay in school for 4 years.

Now, who is the most recent NBA player to have a strong 4 year college career? That's right: Detroit Country Day's own, Shane Battier.

Everyone has been against Shane since he came in the league and he has battled through everything to become the integral "glue" player that he is. They hate his great attitude, his willingness to take charges, his amazing repoire with the media and opponents alike. They hate the gap in his teeth and the ridges in his head.

First they tried to break his spirit by releasing a bobble head doll that looks nothing like him (done by his own team nonetheless…traitors!). And now the powers that be are doing everything in their power to make sure that no one is able to follow in Shane's hallowed footsteps.

Fight the power, Shane!

REALEST OF THE WEEK: VIVI THE DOG

Not sure if everyone had a chance to hear this story before the Westminster Dog Show, but apparently a former contestant named Vivi ran away at JFK Airport and has been missing a year.

But that's not what caught our attention. It was the owner's quotes in which she laments the missing dog that made our day.

First, Jil Walton said of her greyhound:

"If she'd been hit by a car or shot on the tarmac, at least we'd know what happened."

Gee lady, makes you wonder why she ran away.

And you can see why Vivi hasn't been found after listening to her breeder, Bo Bengston:

"She grew up around horses, so we thought she might've been around Aqueduct (race track). No luck."

How the hell would a dog know where to find a racetrack? Oh just forget it...

DIPSET & G-UNIT BEEF

There's been a recent dust-up between 50 "Billion Dollar Budget" Cent and Cameron "Just hear woop, woop, whant, whant, beep, beep" Giles. Apparently, Cam was upset about comments 50 made on the radio about Koch Records, which distributes Diplomat Records, so he called into the radio station to go at 50 and make fun of Lloyd Banks for catching a brick. Anyway, watch the video below (especially the end) and you'll realize: a) why 1/2 The Realests love Cam, b) why 1/2 The Realests think Cam is a joke, and c) that Cam should have his own reality show.



Now, 50 has come out with a dis song aimed at Cam (but not aimed at the rest of the Dips). The song is garbage (as expected), but the video is hilarious. Our favorite moments are the automatic weapons spread out all over the table, 50 pointing a gun directly at the camera, and the cardboard cut-out reenactment of Cam getting shot in D.C.



The real winner in all this? Hov. Don't throw rocks at the throne, dunnies.

MAYCE FOR YOUR FACE

We've had a long running beef with TNT's sideline reporter, Craig Sager. Most people know him for his obscenely bright suits which no human being should ever ever wear. But The Realests became personally acquainted with Mr. Sager during one fateful winter evening in Cleveland's Gund Arena.

On the night that we have drove 3 hours to Cleveland to witness Ricky "In R We Trust" Davis' triumphant return to C-town, we were lucky enough to have seats directly behind the Cavs bench and we were armed with Ricky Davis' popsicle faces. A few of Sager's sideline interviews that game dealt directly with Davis' return. Unfortunately for us, Sager stood directly in front of us interviewing people while ignoring our persistent, yet obnoxious pleas to get on camera and spread the word about Ricky The Realest. Since that day we have lost a LOT of respect for Sager and have known that he isn't very good at his job.

Well, now we have more proof that Sager needs to go. Soon we'll have a Fire Sager blog up to go along with our Hire Rudy T blog and our Bring Back Reghi blog. If we are about anything, it is hiring/firing people.

Now, to the evidence...

This is Sager's recent interview with Webber's "father" at a recent Pistons game (via Detroit Bad Boys):



Hey Sager - you're a moron. Maybe you should have realized that wasn't Webber's father when he had NOTHING TO SAY AT ALL. And remember, we are the media's watchdog. No one is safe. Except for Charles Barkley - we love Chuck.

SHAME ON YOU, GILBERT

Gilbert Arenas has really broken out of his shell this year. He's at or near the top of the league in scoring, sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber, yells out "Hibachi!" when he goes on a shooting streak, and has stuck the dagger in quite a few teams this season.

Anyway, we like Gilbert because he's one of the realer players in the NBA. He's good and he knows he's good. He hates everyone that counted him out in the past and seems to be making it his life's goal to merk them all one by one.

So we were big fans of his Vendetta Tour this year. Basically, Arenas is furious that he was left off the US Olympic team and is attempting to exact revenge on the coaching staff (Coach K, Mike D'Antoni, and Nate McMillan). He has vowed to destroy each of their teams.

First, Gilbert said that he'd score more than 80 points in a game against Duke and portrayed himself in video game terms. Real.

Then, he merked the Suns in a few games this season. Real.

Then, he declared the he would score 50 points against the Blazers the next time he played them. Real.

Unfortunately, the Blazers weren't having any of it and held Arenas to 9 points. Instead of sacking up and immediately declaring that he was saving his energy for the next Blazers-Wizards meeting where he would drop 100 on Juan Dixon's face, Arenas gave us some nonsense about "focusing on defense." Not real:

"We have a new philosphy now and that is focusing on defense," said Arenas, who spent most of the game guarding Jack, who shot 5-for-8 from the field with five assists. "Right now we are still adjusting to that. At the end of the day, they scored a lot of easy baskets on us."

Sorry, Gil - that's crap. If you go down, you go down swinging. We expected much more from you.

THE "RASHEED" RULE

Great videos from Need4Sheed:



It boggles our mind that the NBA is implementing the new no-tolerance rule so unevenly. If anything, Rasheed should get a free trip to the line whenever he has an outburst. THAT is how entertaining they are. At least Rasheed looks like a crazed lunatic when he gets mad - someone like TJ Ford just looks a little too whiny.

But as always, Sheed's revenge rules. There is no finer moment in an NBA game then watching Rasheed get mad, start swearing, exact horrible revenge on his opponent, and then run down the court screaming/laughing/taunting:

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

REALESTS INK AD DEAL WITH CIRCUIT CITY

Hey everyone, Varun and I just wanted to share the exciting news that we have followed in ESPN's footsteps and signed with Circuit City.

From now on, every post will be accompanied by not one, but two massive Circuit City logos, combined with subliminal messages to buy HDTVs. We’re sure you guys understand…

SIMS-ODEN I LIVES UP TO ALL THE HYPE

The Greg Oden-Courtney Sims showdown was one for the ages. Each brought their A-game, as Sims had 17 points and 6 boards to Oden's 17 points, 7 rebounds and 7 blocks.

Aside for a couple embarrasing rejections, Sims held his own in the paint and certified his spot in the top 5 of this year's draft alongside fellow big men Oden, Kevin Durant and Joakim Noah.

Cross off Feb. 6 on the calendar and circle March 3.

WE DON'T (K)NEED NO STINKIN' MOBILITY

Chris Webber's inability to move at a pace faster than a trot is the best thing to ever happen to the Pistons. Around the league everyone has been crediting him for his veteran savvy, his ability to mesh well with his teammates, his deft passing skills, and his silky smooth jumper. People say that these attributes are exactly what will help the Pistons come playoff time. But the haters have been saying that Chris Webber's lack of two (2) functioning knees is his greatest liability.

Well, those people are wrong.

If the Pistons learned anything from last year it's that too much of a good thing is actually a bad thing. Remember those 64 regular season wins? Did those do anything for us come playoff time? Don't think so. Remember the 4 All-Star selections? Did that help when Dwyane Wade was beating us (read: flopping all over the place) in the Eastern Conference Finals?

That's right - this year, less is more. It's been the theme all along. Somewhat of an addition by subtraction idea. Flip has said that losing Ben Wallace (4 time Defensive Player of the Year) and adding Nazr "The $40 Million Man" Mohammed actually made the team BETTER defensively. Just think what can happen when we replace Mohammed, who can sprint down the court on two good legs, with C-Webb, who could give a fuck about sprinting.

Actually, let's take this a step further. If 'Sheed has less mobility, he wouldn't be so tempted to drift out to the three point line and hoist up shots like it's no one's business. He'd stay on the block. And he probably wouldn't have been fast enough to leave Robert Horry during Game 5 of the NBA Finals (bonehead play indeed, 'Sheed).

In summary: less is more.

P.S: Flip Murray will no longer be called Flip Murray - he is a disgrace to the name and has done nothing (real or otherwise) this year. From now on, we should all call him Ronald Murray. Oh, and it's time to put him and Lindsay Hunter on the block and make a play for Zarko Cabarkapa.

REQUIEM FOR A BAUER

This isn't meant to replace Zubino's post but I need to get something off my chest.

24 is dead to me.

This season has been nothing short of an absolute fiasco. It's been heartbreaking to see this once proud show fall to the depths of disaster. Here are the key problems this year:

1. I don't care about any of these characters anymore. This was the long term problem created by the writers' decision to kill off all the characters last season. Now, there's no one to root for besides Jack. The Palmer family is laughable without David holding down the fort, I could care less about Milo and Morris, Bill and Karen are alright but are nothing more than role players, and Chloe hasn't done a damn thing yet this season. So that just leaves Jack - and he's been conspicuously absent for large parts of this season!

2. Jack isn't all alone this season. Jack's always been at his best when he's had to lie to everyone...even the people that are supposed to be on his side. This season he's been working along with the people at CTU and it makes me want to puke. I need to see Jack defy authority and lie to everyone to get things done. Ultimately, Jack should have said "Do you trust me?!" at least 433 times by now. The actual count is surprisingly low.

3. Jack's brother being the ultimate terrorist. This is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to big a stretch. Granted, it's pretty ideal as a symbolic tool, but whatever. It's a little absurd the courage and bravery of the country's greatest hero is rivaled only by the evil and deception of his father and brother.

4. Flips that aren't really flips. 24 tried to do the flip within a flip multiple times this season, but has failed miserable. First they tried to flip it with the brother being evil. Then they double flipped with dad and brother being evil. Then they triple flipped it with brother being evil. Then they quadruple flipped it with the dad being more evil than the brother. Usually, this would be sweet. Except for the fact that it was predictable. It's a disgrace. I hope they flip it for real and make the end of the season much more awesome than the beginning - now that would be unpredictable.

5. Enough with the lectures. I don't want any more lectures about habeas corpus, detention centers, the Constitution, blah blah blah. I think all that dialogue is a tricky move by Fox to cover up the fact that they are a mouthpiece for the Bush administration.

6. Keifer Sutherland told me that he was tanking this season. When I met him on the street he confided in me that his heart wasn't in it anymore and he was just doing the show for the money and for the chance to work with the daughter from Vegas Vacation.

I guess I shouldn't fully douse this post in Haterade. I will say that I have enjoyed Jack's ambivalence this season about torturing fools and his shock when his brother revealed his past evil doings. Moments of genuine emotion from Jack are always welcome.

That about sums it up for me. Next week's 2 hours episode is a desperate cry for attention (although I wouldn't be surprised if the show is getting the best ratings of its run). Also, despite everything I've said here, I'll be watching next week. Jim says he's given up - but we all know that he's a cooter and will be watching also.

Oh, and if the end of the season is awesome, I take back everything bad that I've ever said about the show.

ZUBINO ON 24: RIDDLE ME THIS

The Great Zubino
Realests Correspondent

Suppose a man walked up to you and asked the following question… “If you were stranded on an island with a TV, and were only able to watch ESPN for 3 straight hours of PTI-Around the Horn-Stump the Schwab with the only topic being Terrell Owens, or the last 3 hours of 24, what would you do?”

I would hope you would choose to drown yourself. This episode of 24 was great if you liked action. Graem being interrogated was an amazing scene. But this is ridiculous… How can you expect a man who has saved the country more times than Snoop has smoked weed to have a family that is involved in the biggest terror plot in the United States’ history. This is like finding out that Jason Kidd’s parents are marriage counselors. I want to make myself believe that 24 is still a good show, but it’s been a slippery slope since after the premiere.

24 would gain all of my respect though if Jim Jones came in and showed Bauer how to boss up and how to be a man.

HELP BRING RUDY T. HOME TO MICHIGAN!

Varun and I are a little tired right now, so we'll keep this as simple as possible:

Help make Rudy T. the next Michigan coach by checking out our website, signing the petition, joining the Facebook group and treating this like a chain letter.

Honestly, getting this idea to be the buzz of Ann Arbor could forever change Michigan basketball. Oh yeah, and imagine Rudy T.'s first game when the Maize Rage is chanting "Ru-dy! Ru-dy! Ru-dy!" when Tomjanovich walks onto the court for the first time.

AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A PENTHOUSE PARTY

Over the past few months, we've seen some pretty absurd things on Getty Images. Namely, Braylon Edwards' "Zoolander" photo shoot and a horse running through a bonfire.

But nothing prepared us for what we saw today: a photo gallery from last year's Super Bowl party held by Penthouse Magazine: "Party like a Rockstar" at The Vault nightclub in Detroit.

At first glance you'd think some doofus snuck in and busted everyone on his camera phone. Au contraire monfrair. These are pictures taken by a professional and distributed to media outlets around the world.

We especially like Getty's caption for this first photo: "Penthouse March 2006 pet of the month Jennifer Emerson (L), grabs the shorts of Penthouse Pet Krista Ayne and hams it up for the camera..."



Umm, more like: "A slut licks a crack whore's ass."

You can use your imagination for the rest of the captions. These pictures truly are worth a thousand words (especially the ones with Usher).




* Kudos to this bimbo trying to throw an impromptu wet t-shirt contest while wearing black.

SHANE BATTIER BOBBLEHEAD DISASTER

I believe it was Dave Chappelle that once said: "Sometimes you see shit that is so racist, you don't even get mad. You just go, 'Man, that shit was racist.' "

That pretty much sums up our feelings after seeing an add for the Houston Rockets' "Shane Battier Bobblehead Day" on Saturday. Just take a look at the finished product (click on it for a closer look):


Now compare that to the man, the myth, the legend.

It's disturbing enough that the creators completely ignored the ridges in Shane's head. On top of that, they basically took the template from a random African-American bobblehead, put a slight space between the front two teeth, and shoved it through the assembly line.

Call it a hunch, but we have a feeling Shane's arch-nemesis Nikoloz Tskitishvili is behind this somehow...