O.J. WON'T GO AWAY

Like Obama Girl, this video needs no explanation or extra commentary, but we will add this: you've gotta be pretty fuckin' sick to ask these questions.

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: MICHIGAN

It's finally here: Big Ten Media Day. Somewhere inside Chicago's Hyatt Regency hundreds of reporters are wiping the dust of their recorders to hear Lloyd Carr babble about Teddy Roosevelt. It's finally time to break down Big Blue.

2006 Record: 11-2 (7-1 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 1st
Returning Starters: 12
Head Coach: Lloyd Carr
Best Player: RB Mike Hart

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- We had a special offense in 2000 - this is even better
- This senior class has to beat Ohio State once - don't they????
- Forget the Heisman, no one is more valuable to his team than Mike Hart
- NO ONE can stop Mario Manningham except our band
- 'D' lacks experience, but certainly not talent (i.e. Graham, Crable, Warren)

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Is the new and improved Lloyd Carr still taking his viagra?
- Entering Big Ten play undefeated again seems too good to be true
- Losing Alan Branch felt like getting kicked in the balls
- Law, Woodson, Jackson, Hall... Sears & Trent? Corners are a disaster
- Is Bryan Wright the next Garrett Rivas or the next Phil Brabbs?

Realety:
Michigan's offense will absolutely tear through teams just like Henson, A-Train & Terrell did in 2000. Defense is the huge question mark after losing Branch, Woodley, Hall and the always-underappreciated David Harris. The run 'D' won't be tops in the nation like last year, but with likes of Brandon Graham and Shawn Crable up front, it should suffice. Wolverine fans are already having nightmares about the secondary, with Johnny Sears and Morgan Trent getting burnt to a crisp in our dreams. Needless to say, stud frosh Donovan Warren will have to be the next Marlin Jackson if the secondary is going to have any hope. With just one glaring weakness, we're going balls out and predicting Big Blue will face USC in New Orleans, even though the Michigan fan in us keeps saying we'll find a way to blow it somehow. We hope we're wrong.


Is 2-5 against Tressel too much to ask???

MIKE COMRIE DATING HILARY DUFF?

Normally we're all about former Michigan athletes dating celebrities (i.e. Tom Brady). But Mike Comrie and Hilary Duff? This just in: she looks like a horse!

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: WISCONSIN

This is it. The unofficial start of college football season - Big 10 Media Day - is tomorrow. Next up: Wisconsin (did you really think we'd pick them over Michigan to win the Big 10?).

2006 Record: 12-1 (7-1 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 2nd
Returning Starters: 18
Head Coach: Bret Bielema
Best Player: CB Jack Ikegwuonu

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- 2nd best scoring defense in nation (12.1 PPG) returns 7 starters
- Barry who? "Bulimia" looks like the next Vince Lombardi right now
- He's getting no pub, but P.J. Hill's a Heisman darkhorse
- A former DE, tight end Travis Beckum is a complete freakshow
- The Citadel? Wisco's nonconference schedule is again a disgrace

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Hard to improve minus 3-year starter at QB and future Hall of Fame LT
- Rumors out of Madison Ikegwuonu spent entire summer playing Halo
- Last (119th) in kickoff returns - someone get Jim Boccher on the phone...
- @ Ohio State, vs. Michigan in back-to-back weeks (woo-hoo!)
- Both safeties are gone, leaving a pair of sophomores in the secondary

Realety:
The season hasn't even started and we're already tired of the media dangling from the Badgers' nuts. The surprise of the 2006 Big 10 season, they've got all the tools to be playing in New Orleans next January. Fifth-year senior QB looked great in starts against Buffalo and Iowa last year, but let's see how this guy holds up in at The Horseshoe with Vernon Gholston breathing down his neck. As we know, the Rose Bowl is never a bad consolation prize.


Right behind "The Claw" and "Script Ohio" as Best Tradition in the Big 10...

MICHIGAN LANDS NEXT NEIL ARMSTRONG

These highlights of new Michigan recruit Sam McGuffie are pretty sweet, but comparing him to Neil Armstrong? That might be a bit much. I'd settle for the next B.J. Askew.

Now we can turn our full attention to Cody Paul (By the way, are white running backs the new black running backs?).


Sam?

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: OHIO ST.

Eight teams down, three to go with Big Ten Media Day just 48 hours away. As much as it pains us to do this, it's time to break down Jim Tressel and the Ohio State Buckeyes.

2006 Record: 12-1 (8-0 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 3rd
Returning Starters: 11
Head Coach: Jim Tressel
Best Player: LB James Laurinaitis

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- As ESPN noted, Ohio St. is the 2nd best program in the country
- Laurinaitis already won the Nagurski Award - Man, we hate that guy...
- If he stops fumbling, Chris "Beanie" Wells will put up MONSTER numbers
- As always, Tressel is guaranteed to pull at least 2 wins out of his ass
- Considered a weakness at the start, OSU finished 5th in scoring defense

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Unless extension is reached, Tressel's deal with devil set to expire soon
- Take a sneak peak at QB Todd Boeckman (skip to 1:10 mark) - Yikes...
- 'D' looked like a huge fraud by allowing 80 points in final two games
- Huge drop off at WR from Ginn & Gonzalez to Robiskie & Small
- Play @ Penn St., vs. Wisconsin and @ Michigan in the span of 4 weeks

Realety:
The Buckeyes won't be very good to start the year but it won't matter with this kind of schedule (don't even get us started about the Buckeyes starting the season with Tressel's old school, D-IAA Youngstown St.). OSU should start 8-0 again, as Columbus will be going nuts about another BCS title game appearance. But finishing with PSU, Wisco, Illinois and Big Blue, expect the Bucks to split their last four games. If, however, Tressel survives the final month of the season undefeated and beats Michigan for the sixth time in seven tries, there's going to be a mass suicide watch in Ann Arbor on November 17th.


Oh, I'm gonna puke...

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: PENN ST.

Big Ten Media Day is just three days away and there are still four teams left to break down. After a sluggish start, Penn St. finished 2006 strong and people are talking Rose Bowl.

2006 Record: 9-4 (5-3 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 4th
Returning Starters: 14
Head Coach: Joe Paterno
Best Player: LB Dan Connor

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- With CB Justin King and S Anthony Scirrotto, the secondary is loaded
- Williams, Butler & Norwood are the best receiving corps in the conference
- JoPa's left leg has healed nicely and is now only broken in 13 places
- 'Linebacker U' has another Butkus Award favorite in Dan Connor
- Allowed just 14.4 PPG last year, 9th best in the country

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Only other team that hasn't beaten Michigan in over a decade: Indiana
- Like D. Jones, Scirrotto's only action might be in the prison shower
- 7th ranked rushing defense in nation loses three starters on D-Line
- Players conserving energy at home games to clean up Beaver Stadium
- Paterno still unable to grasp why there is an "11" in the Big 10 logo

Realety:
Once again the question in State College is, "How long will the Penn St. defense have to carry the offense?" With Levi Brown and Tony Hunt gone, the pressure is on former blue chip recruits Anthony Morelli and Austin Scott to finally step up. And for a guy that was supposed to be ready for the NFL straight out of high school, Derrick Williams could also improve on 40 catches for 440 yards. As far as the kicking game: Kevin Kelly's great as long as he gets three attempts to win the game.


Don't worry: I'm sure this won't haunt you for the rest of your life...

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: PURDUE

With Big Ten Media Day scheduled for Tuesday, we are holing ourselves up in our apartment until we finish these team-by-team breakdowns. Up next: the "Jekyll and Hyde" Purdue Boilermakers.

2006 Record: 8-6 (5-3 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 5th
Returning Starters: 20
Head Coach: Joe Tiller
Best Player: WR Dorien Bryant

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- That's not a misprint: the Boilers return a ridiculous 20 starters
- Finished 2006 ranked 13th in total offense
- QB Curtis Painter threw for almost 4,000 yards as a sophomore
- Bryant could be the best WR in school history, which means nothing
- Tiller promised to cut back on the Quaker Oats commercials

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Party's over after two years of not having to play OSU or Michigan
- Like Texas Tech, can't score against real teams (See 12-0 loss to PSU)
- Defense comparable to a wet paper bag, ranking 114th in total defense
- Could be even worse after losing monster DE Anthony Spencer
- A trained mule could do better than K Chris Summers (8-20 FG in '06)

Realety:
Like always, Purdue will clean up against a soft nonconference schedule and weaker Big 10 foes, then land in a mid-tier bowl after laying eggs when they face Big 10 powers


The giant drum is always quiet when it visits The Big House...

MATT MILLEN IS CERTIFIABLY INSANE

Just when you thought Matt Millen couldn't get any dumber after recent news he will be spending $28 million on wide receivers with 16 of them on the payroll, The Atlanta Journal Constitution is reporting the Detroit Lions have signed former Georgia Tech QB Reggie Ball to a one-year deal to - you guessed it - play wide receiver.

Yeah, yeah - we know Ball is just training camp fodder. But shouldn't Millen be spending his time finding players that can actually fill one of the many holes on this team?

Our guess is Millen is just trying to ease the transition for Calvin Johnson into the NFL. But seeing as Ball was the only guy that could stop Johnson last year, we think it'd hurt if anything.

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: IOWA

The Big 10 team-by-team breakdown has finally surpassed programs that belong in Conference USA. Up next: an Iowa team looking to rebound from a massive meltdown after starting the season 5-1.

2006 Record: 6-7 (2-6 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 6th
Returning Starters: 14
Head Coach: Kirk Ferentz
Best Player: RB Albert Young

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- You wouldn't know it from '06, but Ferentz is an NFL-caliber coach
- The defense returns almost the entire front seven
- No Michigan or Ohio State? Why don't you just give 'em the trophy...
- Albert Young is a poor man's Mike Hart
- WR Dominique Douglas is a stud and led freshmen in receptions last year

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Hawks lost 6 of their last 7 games, with only win against Northern Illinois
- Turnover margin (-11) ranked 111th in country last year
- As always, just too many white dudes to take this program seriously
- Both safeties are gone from a secondary that wasn't any good to start with
- Normally dominant, the O-Line is a big question mark this season

Realety:
Drew Tate is gone and highly touted Jake Christensen is in (note: has there ever been a more overhyped Big 10 player than Tate?) Aside from Young, Christensen and the rest of the offense is just too young for Iowa to return to the conference elite in '07.


If we have to hear about Iowa's "controversial" pink locker room one more time, we're going to smash a lampshade over our head...

BIG BLUE WEDDING PHOTO ALBUMS

Love is in the air for several former Michigan football players, as Leon Hall and Ron Bellamy have both been married in recent weeks. Here are a couple pictures that belong in the scrapbook of any Michigan Man:

Leon Hall's Wedding: Just as you'd expect from Leon, the affair was strictly class. We're no experts, but The Realests foresees these two going the distance. It's a damn shame they have to live in that shithole known as Cincinnati.







Ron Bellamy's Wedding: Ain't nothin' but a gangsta party! It's nice to see two-thirds of the Killer B's reunited (did Calvin Bell not get the invite?), but it's hard to take these Michigan receivers seriously when they are trying to look so hard. Seriously, who flicks off the camera and flashes hand signs at a wedding? Either way, congrats Ron!

D'OH! MISTER SIMPSON RULED INELIGIBLE

Devastating news from the Nati today: former Michigan tailback and fan favorite Mister Simpson has been ruled academically ineligible for the 2007 season at Cincinnati.

Frankly, we didn't even realize Simpson had left Michigan until we stumbled across this story, so it's a double whammy for The Realests.

UC coach Brian Kelly said that although Simpson is partially to blame, it didn't help that only a few of his credits transferred from Big Blue. This is just blasphemy. If anything, Michigan credits should count double when transferring to a school like Cincinnati.

We hope you're happy Myles Brand. Once again you've found a way to pimp out a kid, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way just to make a name for yourself.

It's just a travesty Mister Simpson has to walk by the UC bookstore and doesn't have the money to purchase one of his jerseys flying off the shelves.

On a much more positive note, former OSU quarterback Steve Bellisari is the new linebackers coach at Ohio Dominican, proving once again that a degree from Ohio State means dick.

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: NORTHWESTERN

It's a race against time with Big Ten Media Day speeding toward us. We're almost halfway home! The Big 10 team-by-team breakdown takes a quick stop in Evanston to check on the Purple People Eaters at Northwestern.

2006 Record: 4-8 (2-6 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 7th
Returning Starters: 15
Head Coach: Pat Fitzgerald
Best Player: RB Tyrell Sutton

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- Football season also means women's soccer season!
- Sutton is on pace to become the leading rusher in NU history
- Won 2 of their last 3 and played Michigan "close"
- Don't have to play Wisconsin or Penn St. - how convenient
- If worst comes to worst, we hear Gary Barnett is interested...

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- The 'Cats averaged 16.5 PPG in 2006, ranking them below Buffalo
- Blew a 35 point lead to John L. Smith!
- And lost to I-AA New Hampshire by 17 at home
- Pat Fitzgerald is in way, way over his head
- Start the Big 10 season with OSU and Michigan - pass the Astroglide...

Realety:
Folks in Evanston are talking bowl game (if only because making a bowl game means nothing and their schedule is pathetic)!


Hmmm, wonder if this will be in next year's Media Guide...

TIM DONAGHY MAILBAG

We don't normally do this, but we're going to empty our mailbag on Tim Donaghy, that includes some harsh words for the scandalous ex-referee (except for the individual that wanted to "rub one out" under his desk thinking of Donaghy - Dick Bavetta, is that you?)

Needless to say, none of these stories can be verified and are just hearsay. But if even half of these comments are accurate, Donaghy is even more messed up than we thought:

"I was a member at Radley Run, a neighbor and friend of Tim's. He's f***ing nuts. He was suspended and kicked out of the club for the incidents mentioned in the article. When the story broke, i knew it had to be him."
- Anonymous

"If you grew up with Tim and knew him well this comes as no surprise. He was the neighborhood bully and trouble maker. In truth, he was a born sociopath. His parents and brothers were all great people and could not have been nicer. My heart goes out to them and I only hope that no one lays blame at their feet." - Anonymous

"Timmy Donaghy has always been crazy. How he got into the NBA in the first place is the issue. Here's his resume. Caught having someone take his SATS, stalked and threatened to kill a member at Llanerch Country Club for four months while he was caddying there in 1994 and go into NBA right after, moved to Goshen got into dispute with neighbors and hit golf balls into their siding, had physical altercation with mail man, moved to Radley Run had numerous altercations with members and his neighbors and was forced to move due to litigation. Having grown up with him he is nuts. It is a shame no one got him help before he disgraced himself and his family. His parents, brothers, wife and daughters are the real victims in the end. When the whole story comes up it is going to be black eye in the Phila/Delco area." - Anonymous

"I knew Tim and Kim when they lived in West Chester. She is just as nuts as he is. I wonder if she still has to ask permission to take the girls to McDonalds....they are the real victims. Poetic justice for Tim and Kim. They got what they deserve." - Anonymous

"Yeah, we knew Tim Donaghy. Sometimes we'd see him out at the club, where he'd be snorting coke off strippers' asses. The guy was always at the OTB down the street talking about this great handicapper named Chris at Los Alamitos. And then there was the time he was so bombed he offered to suck our dicks for $5. Yeah, you could say we saw this coming. And don't forget about his two little boys, Ray-Ray and Tito, who are the real victims here." - The Realests

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: MINNESOTA

With Big Ten Media Day just days away, the Big 10 team-by-team breakdown is picking up steam. Up next: The Glen Mason-less Minnesota Golden Gophers.

2006 Record: 6-7 (3-5 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 8th
Returning Starters: 17
Head Coach: Tim Brewster
Best Player: RB Amir Pinnix

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- School finally realized players can't respect a coach that fake bakes
- Schedule includes BGSU, Miami (OH), at FAU, North Dakota St.
- Pinnix is the best back in the Big Ten (besides Mike Hart, of course)
- LBJ drought is at one year, which should buy Brewster a decade or so
- According to this web cam, TCF Bank Stadium is really comin' along!

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Coming off the biggest bowl collapse in college football history
- Punter Justin Kucek not exactly clutch
- Ranked 117th in pass defense, and that's before they found out...
- ... Their star CB is going to spend the season getting railed in jail
- New coach about as qualified for a Big 10 job as Punky Brewster

Realety:

Don't cha know?! The season hasn't even started and Brewster already has a migraine after dismissing four players due to absolutely disgusting sexual assault charges (see above)

Poor bastard...

GROUPIE LOVE

Frankly, we're speechless.

HATERS IN THE HOUSE?

As fellow Michigan alums, we've resisted the opportunity to put the Sklar brothers on blast many, many times.

And we realize that ESPN's "Who's Now?" segment is a pinata for the blogosphere right now.

But we aren't just going to sit idly by while they dick ride our discontinued series, "Who's Not?" In a segment on yesterday's SportsCenter entitled "The Bracket", they unveiled the biggest losers (i.e. Steve Bartman) in NCAA Tournament-style fashion.

As The Dude pointed out, "Not quite the same as "Who's Not," but it sounds pretty dubious to me."

Sklar brothers be warned: Fool us once, shame on you... Fool us twice... well, you can't fool us again.

So we'll let this slide for now by simply pointing out their suspicious resemblance to the "before "photo of the Brad Pitt wanna-be twins from MTV's "I Want a Famous Face". And if there's another incident like this? We're coming at the Sklars with double bosacks.

P.S. What's with this?

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: MICHIGAN ST.

2006 Record: 4-8 (1-7)
Projected 2007 Finish: 9th
Returning Starters: 13
Head Coach: Mark Dantonio
Best Player: RB Javon Ringer

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- Somehow, Notre Dame might be even worse
- Everyone's expecting a breakout season from our boy, Kyle Sackrider
- The Spartans have changed their uniforms AGAIN...
- ... With names on the back so it's easier to identify who messed up
- Players are really fired up over the "Beat Michigan" clock (see picture)!

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Reaction to looking over the MSU roster: "Who are these fuckin' guys?"
- No John L. Smith for comic relief (Exhibit A and Exhibit B)
- Players have tuned out coaches since halftime of the Notre Dame game
- Sparty is a homo
- New coaches, but the team is still dumb as a box of rocks

Realety:Nothing says desperation like hiring the Cincinnati football coach - good luck taking over the 100th ranked scoring defense in the nation...

TIM DONAGHY: AMERICAN PSYCHO

Somewhere Rasheed Wallace is smiling.

After being villainized in 2003 for nearly pummeling Tim Donaghy after a controversial call (Sheed was suspended 7 games at the time), vultures are swirling around Donaghy for fixing games.

As the thorough investigative reporters we are, we decided to check into the guy's background to see if there was any suspicious activity that David Stern should have picked up on. That's when we stumbled across this January 2005 story in the Philadelphia Inquirer about a lawsuit alleging he harassed his neighbors (Note: there was never a follow-up article to this and we therefore don't know the outcome of this case).

Here are some excerpts:

"In the summer of 2003, the suit said, Donaghy initiated "a pattern of public harassment" that included yelling obscenities at the Mansuetos, following Lisa Mansueto around Radley Run golf course on his golf cart, setting fire to the Mansuetos' tractor, and crashing the Mansuetos' golf cart into a ravine."

"The suit also states that Donaghy was charged by West Goshen Township Police with disorderly conduct and harassment in June 2000. Court records show that Donaghy had a verbal altercation with his mail carrier; however, the charges were dismissed when the carrier did not show up for a hearing."

"Similar charges were lodged against Donaghy in 1995, the suit said. At the time, Donaghy was living in Havertown. Sgt. Michael Glenn, Haverford Township police spokesman, said no record exists of such charges there."

Crashing golf carts in ravines? Setting tractors on fire? Maybe someone should have picked up on this guy being a psycho. We're looking at you here, David Stern...


This time, the heat's on you...

BIG TEN PREVIEW INTERLUDE

With Michigan State on deck for our 2007 Big Ten Preview, we realized that one post is simply not enough to make fun of Spartie.

Cue Bucky the Badger:



Ah, yes. That should do the trick...

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: INDIANA

With Big Ten Media Day just over a week away, we decided it’s time to start breaking the conference down team-by-team. Up next: Indiana.

2006 Record: 5-7 (3-5 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 10th
Returning Starters: 17
Head Coach: (See below)
Best Player: WR James Hardy

5 Reasons for Optimism
- Eric Gordon could be Freshman of the Year... too bad he plays basketball
- WR James Hardy caught 10 TD passes last year
- Their hardest nonconference game is Western Michigan
- Stud kicker in Austin Starr, who will never see the light of day
- (Thinking....) OK, we're done here

5 Reasons for Pessimism
- Does anyone know the name of the IU interim coach? Anyone at all?
- Hardy spent the offseason beating up his girlfriend
- They haven't played in a bowl game since 1993...
- ... That means not even Antwaan Randle-El could save these losers
- Ranked 109th in total defense last year (out of 119)

Realety
You gotta cheer for the Hoosiers after the tragic death of Terry Hoeppner, one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. They could even theoretically start 4-0 until they start playing real football teams and take it up the tailpipe.


That's something you don't see every day...

GO ON WITH THE BOROPHYLL!!!

Sometimes you have to just stop, look around and say: What the fuck is going on?

That's how we feel about the NBA right now after the following has transpired in the last couple days:

- Starbury's ready to "pull a Beckham" and play in Italy - considering no one's ever heard of him over there, I'd say it's more like pulling a Drew Henson

- LeBron's dunking babies (another example of his comedic genius we must say)

- Darko is calling out people for being soft

- Manute Bol has found a home in Kansas City of all places

- Some fat dude, pictured, claims he is Ron Artest's brother at the NBA Summer League - looks more like Anthony Anderson's brother to us (insert Reggie Theus Hang Time joke here)...

Who said the NBA offseason is too long???

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: ILLINOIS

With Big Ten Media Day just over a week away, we decided it’s time to start breaking the conference down team-by-team. Starting in reverse order of projected finish, we lead off with who else? Illinois.

2006 Record: 2-10 (1-7 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 11th
Returning Starters: 19
Head Coach: Ron Zook
Best Player: LB J Leman

5 Reasons for Optimism
- Two words: Arrelious Benn
- Rashard Mendenhall is supposed to be a star in the making
- The domain name fireronzook is still owned by Florida fans for now
- 8 wins in the last 4 years – it can’t get worse
- Ummmm…. we’re all out

5 Reasons for Pessimism
- Z Money called the school "Illinoise" in his introductory press conference
- How long until Benn's dorm is found full of Zook's coked-out hookers?
- Juice Williams completed 40% of his passes last year and only got worse
- In what could determine last place, they play at Indiana - tough draw...
- No Chief Illiniwek to get the team fired up!

Realety
Unless Juice Williams becomes Jeff George, a long season awaits

HIDE THE CHILDREN & CHEESEBURGERS!

That's right folks. As we just learned on PTI, today is David Hasselhoff's 55th birthday. You know what that means...

NCAA 2008 LOVES BIG BLUE

We were one of those guys that bought NCAA 2008 at midnight and played all night.

The changes from last year's game aren't really worth mentioning, but from the looks of the Michigan defense, it looks like Charles Drake is now a programmer for EA Sports.

Despite returning only 4 starters' from last year's team and losing Alan Branch, Lamarr Woodley, David Harris and Leon Hall, Big Blue's defense is still an A+ overall. And check out some of the bizarre player rankings, considering that Heisman hopeful Mike Hart is rated a 95:

- Brandon Graham, DL: 99
Apparently, they are just handing out 99s these days. Putting him in the same company as Darren McFadden, Graham was one of the top 2006 recruits in the country but had just 3 tackles last year. That's quite a jump.

- Brandent Englemon, CB: 93
Wait, we're talking about the Brandent Englemon that got the Pierre Woods treament last year? That Brandent Englemon???

- Chris Graham, LB: 92
He became a force down the stretch last year, but the guy still only has 73 tackles in his first three seasons. David Harris had 103 alone last year.

- Morgan Trent, CB: 89
Did anyone at EA Sports watch the Rose Bowl???



But hey, we're not complaining. Actually, by the sound of it, maybe we are...

THIS CAN'T BE LIFE

When we heard Joakim Noah's sister is a model, our heads almost exploded.

I believe Varun's exact words were, "Yeah, and Grizzly Adams had a beard..."

How could a man resembling the Rat Monster from Scare Tactics possibly have come out the same uterus as a babe?

After seeing a picture of Yelena (below), the most disturbing part is that she's hot despite looking like her brother (we know, we cringed reading that too but it's true).

Who else has a hot sister we don't know about: Scottie Pippen? Randy Johnson? Sam Cassell? The possibilities are endless...

Editor's note: We are still in the process of finding pictures of Marco Belinelli's girlfriend, but there's a lot of misinformation out there, folks.

REALESTS OF THE WEEK

Wow.

That's all you can really say after seeing this picture of the tallest man in the world (7'9") meeting the shortest man in the world (2'4").

It's one of those ideas that is pure genius but for some reason hasn't happened before - like putting ketchup and mustard in one bottle or using a sumo wrestler as a hockey goalie.

On a side note, I have way too much time on my hands.

ESPYS THE NEW SOURCE AWARDS?

What started out as a night to recognize hip-hop, The Source Awards have just turned into a place for rappers to act a fool.

If you don't recall these incidents, check out Snoop's "The East Coast Don't Love Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg?!?!?!" rant in 1995 (below) and DJ Quik getting pummeled in 2000.

Well, this is the side of the ESPY Awards ESPN doesn't want you to see.

OK, maybe that's a little over dramatic for a brawl outside an ESPY afterparty. But we sure would love seeing Gary Sheffield pulling a Snoop on stage and Carmelo Anthony cold-cocking someone on the red carpet next year.



By the way, we love how Nate Dogg refers to Suge as "Mr. Knight". What a pussy.

A TRIBUTE TO THE WU-TANG CLAN

Why didn't we think of this? The answer: These guys are much funnier than us.

Man, we miss The Wu:

REALESTS DOUSED WITH HATERADE

It becomes clearer every day that our biggest gift is the ability to piss people off.

Somehow, our most recent Brent Petway post really rubbed people the wrong way. That became pretty clear when someone put up a post on MLive with the title "how dumb are these two clowns".

In response, another message board loser stated: "that state produces the lowest grade of people on earth. Those douches look like they are emulating John Gotti's grandkids." I don't know about you, but I don't think Varun looks that much like this guy - maybe it's just me (I have to admit, I do see a slight resemblance to myself...).

But that's not all. Check out the comments section of the Petway post:

"he made the second cut and looks like he is going to make the hawks u fags"

"The only thing real about you 2 is how extremely gay you both are. I wonder if there is any possible way you even know anything about sports."

No one comes at The Realests like that. No one. We are now in the process of tracking all four of these haters down. So far, our two primary suspects in the investigation are Realest punching bags Courtney Sims and Tommy Amaker.

We'll keep you posted.

OH, T-PIZZLE

Have we mentioned how much we hate the San Antonio Spurs?

Cue the new Tony Parker music video:

We gotta give them props for doing the song half in English and half in French. Did anyone see a problem with that?

We have a very bad feeling a Tony Parker-Sean Paul collaboration is on the horizon....

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SHAFTS DESMOND

We've always said that if the media is society's watchdog, then we're the watchdog's watchdog.

Well, what we've dug up is a new low for Sports Illustrated: Mistaking Desmond Howard for former Notre Dame receiver Tim Brown in a picture of Heisman Trophy winners that showed up for a fundraiser in June (click on the picture for a better look at this atrocity).

How do you do a Michigan Man like that after he put the Heisman pose back on the map? Shame on you, SI.

We gotta admit, we love George Rogers' enthusiasm in this picture (assuming that the guy behind Desmondo is actually George Rogers, as opposed to a guy they hauled off the street)...

Update: As an astute reader pointed out, they botched the spelling of "Rodgers" too.

NICK FAZEKAS LOVES HIS PA

Call Nick Fazekas what you want - we prefer "the next Greg Ostergag" - but the man loves his dad.

We found a real tear-jerker in yesterday's Dallas Morning News about Fazekas, whose grandfather survived a Russian concentration camp and dad overcame weighing 425 pounds (that's not a typo).

Here's an excerpt about his dad:

After he was too old to continue playing, he settled back in Denver, where he became a bus driver. When Nick was a freshman at Nevada, his father's weight ballooned to 425 pounds.

"He was unhappy with his life," Nick says. "He was eating all the time. He was one big, huge dude. We called him a walking heart attack."

Gee, you wonder what this guy says about his enemies...

IS BOB HUNT THE NEW ED MARTIN?

We hate doing this, but once again we have to call out a former Daily staff member for his possible involvement in a scandal.

Is it just a coincidence that two days after Bob starts his job at adidas, Michigan decides "Impossible is Nothing" and ditches Nike?

We think not.

Oh, well. At least now we might have a shot of getting rid of that hideous yellow piping!

THE REALESTS PRESENT: SCURRRFACE

The "Fratboy Missionaries" dream is officially over everyone. We got a letter from the guys who wrote "John Tucker Must Die" and they told us that they thought we were retarded and questioned whether we even had a rudimentary command of the English language.

So, we've given up on "Fratboy Missionaries." Since our ideas are stupid and not funny, we've decided to take a classic movie and add our own unique, real twist to it.

We're going to re-write "Scarface." BUT, it's going to be re-named "Scurrrface."

Interesting, right?

Here's the thing. Southern rap is hot right now. Rappers love "Scarface." Chingy had a huge hit with "Right Thurrr" and Nelly had a monster banger with "Hot in Herrre." There's no way that this movie isn't going to be a hit. The movie is going to take place in present-day Atlanta and the dialogue is going to be exactly the same as the original, but the pronunciation is just going to be different.

A sample line of dialogue: "Hey Tony! Don't go ovurrr thurrr! Come ovurrr herrre!"

Wurrr currently in the process of re-writes. Lil John, Chingy, and Nelly urrrr coming in furrr auditions next week. Hell, Pacino might even show up to play Tony Montana again. Oh, and the guy who wurrrrs the mask in the St. Lunatics is alruuuudy committed to playing Manny Riberrrrra.

Hollurrrrrrr!

WORST... MASCOT... EVER...

If I'm an Arizona tax payer, my ass is a little chapped right now.

That's because their money is going toward the worst mascot in the history of sports, Spike the Super Ball. Get it? Spike, like spiking a football - and Super Ball instead of Super Bowl.

Your eyes do not deceive you: Spike is simply a football wearing cleats and shades. That's it.

Spike is currently on a 42-stop tour to "energize residents" about Super Bowl XLII in Glendale, which host committee President Bob Sullivan compared to the Olympic Torch.

Needless to say, Bob Sullivan should be fired immediately. By the way, even the Atlanta Olympics mascot Izzy wasn't this stupid (OK, we take that back).


Run for your life!!!

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Tell me what's wrong with this article:

John Mark Karr, who made what turned out to be bogus claims of killing JonBenet Ramsey, was jailed Saturday in a domestic argument at his father’s house in suburban Atlanta.

Officers received a 911 call late Friday from the house about an argument between Karr, his girlfriend and his father, Sandy Springs Police Lt. Steve Rose said.

I'll give you a hint: Who dates John Mark Karr?!?!

THE RETURN OF TSKITISHVILI

We told you so.

After getting knocked out of the Western Conference Playoffs by the Spurs again, the Nuggets are once again turning to Tish.

The Rocky Mountain News is reporting they have signed the Georgian sensation, their former 6th overall pick in the 2002 NBA Draft (if you were wondering, that's four picks above Amare Stoudemire), to their NBA Summer League roster.

The article goes so far as to call Tish a "dark-horse candidate" to fill the Nuggets' need for a 3-point shooter. Little did they know, Tish has been perfecting his backward shot overseas for the last year....


Do it Tish!

CAN IT ALL BE SO SIMPLE?

Listening to rap music and watching rap videos nowadays has become way too depressing. Supporting these idiots has become too much of a chore. They a) don't know what to rap about, b) bore the hell out of me with the way they rap, and c) make videos that are just cliches at this point.

Thankfully, we have YouTube. And thankfully, we have the Wu-Tang clan. Below is the video for "Gravel Pit," and the Wu shows that making a great song and video can be simple. All you need is 23 members in the group, a time-traveling elevator, lots of fur coats, dinosaurs, the set from the Flintstones movie, and ninjas. Easy, right?

BRENT PETWAY UPDATE

According to the Detroit News, Brent Petway is passing on the opportunity of a lifetime to join the Harlem Globetrotters and instead plans to report to the Atlanta Hawks' summer-league team on Monday.

Said his agent: "Brent is interested in playing competitive basketball, and that's where we (as an agency) are advising him." If he wanted to play competitive basketball in the first place, why did he end up at Michigan??? Zing!

Ummm... By the way, do the Globetrotters do season ticket refunds?

THE DANNY BRAINWASHES MICHAEL SILVER

Michael Silver of Sports Illustrated came out with a bizarre list today of the best NFL owners that has Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder at #5.

Number 5, people!!!! That's ahead of #6 Jeffrey Lurie (Eagles), #9 Dan Rooney (Steelers), #10 Pat Bowlen (Broncos) and #11 Jim Irsay (Colts), just to name a few.

This is almost as atrocious as Kevin McHale being named the best GM in sports by Forbes.

Here are a couple choice clips to exemplify the absurdity of this ranking:

"Snyder's zealous mentality also enables Gibbs and VP of football operations Vinny Cerrato to overpay for free agents like Adam Archuleta, Antwaan Randle El and Brandon Lloyd..."

Ummm, aren't we forgetting a couple people here, i.e. Jeff George, Deion Sanders, Mark Carrier, Bruce Smith, Jeremiah Trotter, Jessie Armstead and Andre Carter (although I have to admit, I'm still crazy enough to believe Carter could turn it around this year)?

"But hey, at least he's trying."

Let me remind Silver something real quick.... "You PLAYYYYYYY to WIN the game!"

"Snyder will get it right eventually..."

He's owned the team for almost 10 years (purchased in May 1999). How much time does the man need???

"And he is pulling in an enormous profit in the meantime, thanks to his innovative marketing strategies."

Oh yeah, we can't thank Snyder enough for jacking the prices up every year. How does being a greedy bastard make you a good owner again? This guy charged fans for training camp!!!!!

AIR GEORGIA LANDS IN HARLEM

Screw the NBA.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Former Michigan star Brent Petway is the newest member of the Harlem Globetrotters!

He'll be joined there by 7-foot-9 Sun Ming Ming, among others. In other words, the Globetrotters are basically nothing more than a circus now. But at least Petway never has to worry about losing again.

Anyone in the NYC area, let us know if you want to get in on some season tickets. They're going fast...

ATHLETES & A-LISTERS DESTINED FOR LOVE

One minute you’re in love, the next your girlfriend is burning your house down and smashing your Benzos.

Such is the life for athletes dating celebrities. Or at least it was for Andre Rison.

But with NBA Finals MVP Tony Parker and Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria set to tie the knot Saturday in a castle south of Paris, a growing number of athletes and celebrities are standing the test of time.

Married since 2001, Dario Franchitti and Ashley Judd certainly looked happily wed after he recently won the Indianapolis 500 in May. Set to invade the U.S., David and Victoria Beckham have survived the British tabloids and even an affair to keep their vows for almost eight years.

And with hot young couples popping up everywhere (is the Reggie Bush-Kim Kardashian sex tape out yet?), the question must be asked: Who’s got next?

With that in mind, we’ve decided to play matchmaker with several athletes and celebrities that seem destined to be together:

O.J. Simpson & Vanessa Minnillo

Nothing turns O.J. on like finding knife-play erotica on the internet. Not only is Vanessa a huge sports fan, the former TRL host is also an aspiring actress. Considering the acting clinic he put on in the Naked Gun series, can you think of a better mentor for someone trying to make it big in Hollywood than “The Juice”? I sure can’t. Of course, things might get awkward at USC home games this fall after breaking the heart of Trojans superfan Nick Lachey, of which there would be absolutely nothing left. What a homo.

Lexie Thompson & R. Kelly

Thoia thoing! Hey, what ever happened to those sex charges against R. Kelly? The man who once married Aaliyah when she was 15 certainly had his eye on this 12-year-old phenom during last weekend's U.S. Women's Open. I mean, how is he supposed to know she isn't 18 if she's playing on the Ladies' PGA???

Shawn Kemp & Britney Spears

Britney has proven she isn’t afraid of a man with a bastard child or two. That’s good news for the “Reign Man,” who Sports Illustrated reported in 1998 had seven children with six different women (just imagine how many mouths he has to feed now…). After battling his own weight problems, Kemp is a natural fit as Brit’s new personal trainer during her comeback attempt. Can't you already picture them doing pilates together?

Dwight Gooden & Lindsay Lohan

These two both hit superstardom way too young and now consider rehab a second home. Just imagine the late-night benders these two would have together. LL does have a thing for older guys and Dr. K is still just 42-years old. Lindsay was probably dating guys his age in high school. Of course, driving would be an issue…

Mike Tyson & Paris Hilton

Both are two notches above brain dead and found religion while doing hard time. Wouldn’t Paris look great with a complementary face tattoo? Of course, there would be sacrifices. The socialite’s plans to open a playhouse for sick kids would have to be nixed on the off chance Iron Mike told parents he wanted to eat their children.

John David Booty & Jennifer Lopez

What's left to ponder?!?!

Anderson Varejao & Miss USA Rachel Smith

They’re both Latino and coming off disappointing appearances in the finals. Judging by her fall in the Miss Universe pageant, even Varejao could use some tips from her on the art of flopping: