1.13.2008

THE REALESTS REPORT

Nobody conducts a witch hunt without The Realests.

Just a month after the Mitchell Report rocked Major League Baseball, the entire sports world is about to get flipped on its head.

We introduce The Realests Report.

Just compare the two:

Mitchell Report
- 20-month investigation
- Over 700 interviews
- 409-page report

Realests Report
- 1 day investigation using the scientific Eyeball Test
- 0 interviews
- 1 page

Needless to say, these allegations are far more damning than anything presented in the Mitchell Report and will rock the very foundation of sport. We are declining all media interviews in advance all will let the report speak for itself. We will also be unavailable for a Congressional hearing as we do not speak English.

Mike Vrabel
Team: New England Patriots
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Seriously, does the NFL even test for this shit anymore? The guy's neck is a tree trunk and his head is a watermelon. And let's get this straight: In four years with the Steelers, the guy hardly plays and considers retirement. Now at the age of 32, he turns into an All-Pro LB and go-to TE in his spare time? Meanwhile, half the guys from his '97 draft class are already out of the league.



Danny Jamieson
Team: Bad Asses
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Where are we at in society today when we have to start testing for The Inferno? The guy lost his mind last season and was even called out by the Sports Guy. Between him, CT and Brad, Gauntlet 3 is going to be a blood bath.

Patrick Kerney
Team: Seattle Steroids
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: The guy is a complete freak, sleeping in hyperbaric chambers and pre-gaming by sending electrical currents through his body. Combining for just 12 sacks over the past 2 years and sidelined with a pec injury, Kerney responds with 14.5 sacks, second in the NFL.

Brett Myers
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: No joke - the guy's childhood hero is The Incredible Hulk. Once a phenom, he wouldn't be the first pitcher looking to regain his old form by turning to the juice. He's got the roid rage down, assaulting his wife on a Boston street in 2005. Oh yeah, and then there was Retardgate last August.

Jared Allen
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Speaking of maniacs: Allen gets busted for a DUI every other week. After being selected in the fourth round out of Idaho State in 2004, this guy has racked up 43 sacks in 4 seasons. That's 5.5 more than Lawrence Taylor over that same time period. Call us skeptical.

Kyle Vanden Bosch
Team: Tennessee Titans
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: What is it with these white d-linemen? VB was a complete bust out of Nebraska, always riddled with injuries. The second round pick in 2001 totaled 5 sacks in 3 seasons with Arizona (granted, everyone sucks in Arizona). The last 3 years? 32 sacks.

Tyler Hansbrough
Team: North Carolina
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Who can really blame Hansbrough fot hitting the juice after Gerald Henderson elbowed him in the face like that. After getting tossed around by double and triple teams last year, Hansbrough has gone ape shit this year. And just wait till he goes Kermit Washington on Henderson's face Feb. 6.

Owen Schmitt
Team: West Virginia
Exhibit A: Before Steroids (N/A)
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: How does a 6-3, 250 pound FB end up at Division III Wisconsin-River Falls? You got us. After sending around a tape of himself, Schmitt walked onto West Virginia. Now the guy squats 650 lbs., power cleans another 480, rips off 60-yard runs on a whim and bashes himself in the face with his helmet for fun:



Also on steroids:
- Timbaland
- Cato June

2 comments:

Rickey Henderson said...

Brett Myers' wife disapproves of this post.

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