TONY DING: WORKING HIS WAY TO A PULITZER

Remember that scene in Zoolander where the photographer throws bananas at Ben Stiller and screams, "You're a monkey, Derek!!!"?

That's about how we picture Tony Ding at work. Take a look at some of his finest photos from Michigan Media Day, followed by what Ding was probably telling them at the time....

JAKE LONG

"Yes, Jake - hold the ball like it's a coconut dripping with juice!"

LEON HALL

"Look mean, Leon! GRRRR!!!!"

ALAN BRANCH

"Excellent Alan, you don't have a care in the world - Hooray!!!!

ZOLTAN MESKO

"OK Zoltan, what the hell are you doing?"

MIKE HART

"That's right, Mike - you're shadow boxing... bob and weave, bob and weave!"

LET'S JUST GET THIS STAT OUT OF THE WAY...

Michigan's 1st Road Game Since 2000:

2005 - at Wisconsin, L (23-20)
2004 - at Notre Dame, L (28-20)
2003 - at Oregon, L (31-27)
2002 - at Notre Dame, L (25-23)
2001 - at Washington, L (23-18)
2000 - at UCLA, L (23-20)

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK: GUNSTON STAYS

It's times like these that remind us why we run this blog...

So I'm looking through the Washington Post today when I realize The Realests have been cited by another major media outlet. Shown here (third post from the top... BTW, we love how we are listed after NPR as if we are a legit news source...), the blog partially credits us with the firestorm created about Gunston's ouster with this blog entry.

But first, a quick refresher. Associate Athletic Director Andy Ruge on Gunston in June:

"We need to develop a mascot with a strong image, more of an immediate connection with George Mason, something our community would be proud to have."

"It would be nice if a freshman could see him and go, 'Hey, that's our mascot' instead of going 'What's that?' "

Well, just 3 months after announcing he would no longer be the "primary mascot", GMU has given in to the fans' demands. From University spokesman Dan Walsch:

"It's is here to stay, and we're looking to give Gunston a makeover. That'll be the only change, but the decision of the university is that he is very much here to stay. When the spotlight went on the university in the Final Four we thought the feelings Gunston helped generate were positive. We thought the character did a good job of being fun and representing the school, and we thought he was not only worth keeping but enhancing his look and if anything making him more visible...The general feeling from what I hear is that Gunston is very positively received, that people like him and it's good that we're keeping him."

We want to thank all our readers.

As we've said from the beginning: This isn't just a blog, it's a movement.

Of course, this isn't over. First, we want this ass clown Ruge to step down immediately (direct hate mail here).

Second, let's hope Gunston holds a presser and pulls a Mike James, saying he has been treated like a cheap prostitute.

Join us in celebration by becoming Gunston's friend on Facebook.


"I'm back, bitches!!!!"

WHERE'S GRAHAM-BO?

As you can see below, The Realests received a tip this morning: "A reliable source tells me that Graham Brown shipped out to Portugal last week to begin his professional basketball career."

Unfortunately, our search through Nexis and USbasket.com was also unsuccesful. Personally, we're still reeling from the fact Graham wasn't on an opening day NFL roster.

Keep checking USbasket.com for word on Graham. This site is the authority on the whereabouts of former NCAA basketball players.

A small sample of Michigan alumni:

Josh "Ass Face" Asselin: Richoh-Manresa (Spain)

Chris "Big Game" Hunter: Sion Herens Basket (Switzerland)

Travis Conlan: Liege (Belgium)

LaVell Blanchard: Oldenburg (Germany)

& the original animal...

Chris Young: BBC Royal Atomia Brussels (Belgium)

We will certainly keep you updated as soon as we hear about Graham...


Sending players to Europe must be a big selling point to recruits...

BENNIE-BALL IS BACK!

The Realests are proud to announce that, after missing three full NFL seasons due to injury, former Michigan tight end Bennie Joppru had the CHANCE to play yesterday in the Houston Texans' opener.

Unfortunately - by the looks of the box score - he didn't. But after missing two years with a sports hernia and one with a torn ACL, standing on the sidelines is a big moral victory for Bennie.

Now if only he could break his 3rd string tie with Mark Bruener, who shouldn't even be in the league right now.

Making his story even more tear-jerking is an article that ran in last week's Minneapolis Star Tribune:

Bennie Joppru was an All-America tight end and captain at the University of Michigan when the Texans drafted him. Then-offensive coordinator Chris Palmer had big plans for him, but Joppru, who never had been hurt at Michigan or as a three-year starter at Minnetonka High School, missed every snap of his first three seasons because of serious injuries.

"Most people, myself included, would have said the heck with this," said Sheldon, a former North Dakota star who played two seasons at tight end for Detroit and Shreveport in the old World Football League in 1974-75.

"But Bennie said to me, `Dad, I don't care if I ever play a down in the NFL. But I'm going to work my butt off so that if I don't make it back, no one can say I didn't work hard enough to make it happen.' "

Hang in there, Bennie!

EDDIE SUTTON: STILL A DICK

Decided to check in with our boy Eddie Sutton today. I'll admit, I'm a little biased. I will always hate Eddie for running Kentucky's program into the ground. But now I've found a new reason: indirectly citing God as the reason he drove drunk.

From the AP:

"I won a lot of games, but in this business I feel I can save a lot of lives," Sutton said. "That's a lot bigger. After I came out publicly that I admitted I was intoxicated -- not that it was a reason, but I was in such pain, I had back problems -- I think God might have intervened.

"He said, 'You've coached long enough. Now I want you to go out and do something that's really worthwhile."'

That's right Eddie, God had you drive drunk. Paris Hilton should ditch the "In 'N Out" defense for this one...


The face of an angel?

CMU'S KELLY TO TEAM UP WITH BOCCHER?

Call us crazy, but it really bothers us that offensive coordinator Mike DeBord got fired as CMU's head coach for this guy, Brian Kelly.

In case you missed it, Kelly made two of the dumbest coaching decisions ever against Boston College last week.

#1: Trailing 10-3 in the 2nd quarter, went for it from his own 28 on 4th and 8. After an incompletion, BC scored a touchdown four plays later.

#2: CMU's "swinging gate" play, in which the offensive lineman stayed in their stance on the opposite hashmark while their quarterback ran for his life and threw a game-clinching interception.

On top of that, the Free Press said Kelly "vowed to be unpredictable" against Big Blue.

We realized there's only one way for Kelly to top himself: showing up with Jim Boccher as the new special teams coach.

Remember, Boccher's had three years to prepare a trick play to stick it to Lloyd...

MY ENCOUNTER WITH GREATNESS

I knew it would take a big event to get me back into the blogging world. Little did I know that the biggest and best moment of my life would occur today.

I just shook Jack Bauer's hand.

I'll let you marinate on that for a second.

...

That's right. I was on my way back from the gym, walking down 16th street, when I noticed a white glow from a distance. The person was moving with confidence and charisma, a veritable beacon of power in the New York City landscape. As I got closer, I started to realize that something great was going to happen. When I was about 10 feet away, I realized that it was Keifer Sutherland/Jack Bauer.

Ladies and gentlemen, Real recognized Real.

I don't remember much about the enounter. I do remember that he was wearing jeans, a long white sleeved t-shirt, and aviators. He was also carrying a brown shopping bag. I guess he got tired of the messenger bag from Season 5.

My brain started spinning - what do I do? What do I say? Should I turn and run and hope that his instinct will kick in and that he would tackle me and start yelling at me to tell him where the bomb/president/his daughter were?? Is he one of the 4,745 people that has seen my Almeida impression? Does he love my Almeida impression? Did he ever consider firing the guy who plays Almeida so that I could be on the show? What was in the brown shopping bag? A deadly virus? Guns? Nina Meyer's head? Did I have information that would allow him to save the world? Was Tony Almeida giving him directions? Was I in any sort of direct danger being within 5 feet of THE GREATEST AMERICAN IN HISTORY?

I composed myself. With any other celebrity I would have made an ass out of myself. But with Jack...well, you don't screw around. Plus, I didn't want him to kick my ass. Or maybe I did want him to kick my ass. I'm not sure. Here's a transcript of our conversation.

Me: Keifer?
Keifer: Yeah?
Me (extending my hand): I'm a big fan, man.
Keifer (shaking my hand): Thanks. I appreciate it.

Then we parted ways. As I walked away I think my life flashed before my eyes. And I swear I heard a voice in the distance calling my name about 10 seconds after we walked away from each other. Maybe the moment meant as much to him as it did to me.


JB in the place to be

MEISEL GIVES REALESTS SHOUT-OUT (KINDA)

Check out this recent article in the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle:

They'll also learn about how he once appeared on The Howard Stern Show after winning its "Take a porn star to the prom" contest.

"No one up here really knew about that story," he said. "But I guess it must have appeared on some Internet site recently because more and more people have been asking me about it."

For the record, Meisel said he never did get to take the porn star to the prom because his parents and the school put the kibosh on it.

"Let's just say, neither my mom and dad or school administrators were too pleased about the idea," Meisel said, grinning.

First, this writer jacked Deadspin's word usage of "kibosh."

Second, we take FULL responsibility for Max Meisel becoming the BMOC at Syracuse and feel like the kid is indebted, to be quite honest (we'll pass on 'Cuse football tickets). For now, we'll have to settle for Meisel accepting us as facebook friends today...

Max: Don't forget the little people (no pun intended... wait, that was totally intended)

RETURN OF THE KING?

As if we didn't have enough to worry about on Sept. 30th with Alex Daniels and Amir Pinnix, it appears "Michigan killer" Gary Russell is trying to make a comeback with the Golden Gophers.

From the St. Paul Pioneers Press: "Star running back Gary Russell, who became academically ineligible at the University of Minnesota, has enrolled at Columbus (Ohio) State Community College with plans to re-enroll at Minnesota in January. Russell has two seasons of potential eligibility left with the Gophers."

"Lloyd?!?!?!?!?!?!"

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Nothing like a 36-year old dude leveling a Pee-Wee leaguer (with the actual link this time)...

ESPN'S FLORIDA STATE-MIAMI PREVIEW

My head almost exploded from watching College Gameday's preview of FSU-Miami on "Sportscenter." I shit you not, the top bars read like this:

Lee's Key to the Game: FSU pressure on Kyle Wright
Lou's Key to the Game: Miami pressure on Drew Weatherford
Mark's Key to the Game: Offensive line play
Kirk's Key to the Game: QB play will decide the outcome

Man, Gameday must have spent all offseason breaking down this one...


Pure evil

LLOYD SUCCOMBS TO PRESSURE, VISORS?

As we've come to expect from Michigan football's major media outlets, there was nothing but glowing praise after Big Blue's snoozer over Vanderbilt.

The Free Press praised the Ron English defense, while the Ann Arbor News raved about the new zone blocking. Jim Carty went so far as to write in his column, "the problems were mostly self-inflicted and thus very fixable." Uh, right... how long have you been covering this team? (And yeah, we took it out of context, and we'll do it again...)

On the other hand, we're working on a point-counterpoint on what's more entertaining to watch: Michigan football or old people having sex (stay tuned).

In the meantime, we offer you an observation from Saturday's game. In an attempt to get Michigan's swagger back, has Lloyd Carr lifted his ban on visors?

He's never spoken of a ban, but The Realests have long suspected this is the case. Think: what was the last time you saw a Michigan player with an eye shield? Our best guess is Charles Woodson in the 1998 Rose Bowl.

But on Saturday, several players were donning the new look, most noticeably Steve Breaston and Kevin Grady. Is this Lloyd's last gasp for swagger? We say yes.


We wanna know who has the balls to get the Maize visor....

NMSU REINSTATES PLAYER WITH MUNCHIES

Following up on our coverage of New Mexico State basketball player Tyrone Nelson, who was accused last week of robbing a pizza delivery guy, comes news that Nelson has been re-instated to the team because an "NMSU committee feels robbery evidence doesn't point to junior."

From the Albuquerque Journal:

"Nelson was charged with robbing the delivery man of pizza and hot wings last Tuesday at a Las Cruces residence.

He was arrested last Thursday at Mesilla Valley Mall after a tip placed him there and the delivery man identified him as the suspect...

(AD McKinley) Boston said the committee of "six to eight" persons were given the criminal complaint and interviewed Nelson. Boston would not comment on the likely outcome of the judicial process.

"If the evidence is clear that suspension is warranted, we would sustain it," said Boston.

"But the worst-case scenario is to suspend an athlete and then await the outcome of judicial proceedings, which could be six months. Let's say the finding is not guilty. In this case, the athlete would have missed six months of competition and unfairly endured six months of public humiliation." "

Now we are all for innocent until proven guilty and we certainly don't want to be accused of racial profiling (OK, that's exactly what we are doing...), but how many 6-foot-9 black guys are in Las Cruces, New Mexico????

Our guess is one...

We'd say Reggie Theus lost a lot of respect over this, but then again, the guy was in Hang Time. So maybe - in a weird way - he actually gained our respect by acting like a real coach ...


Out on bail, fresh outta jail, California dreamin’, soon as Nelson step on the scene he’s hearin’ hoochies screamin’...

PRESCOTT BURGESS: THE NEW PIERRE WOODS

A lot of you are too young to remember this, but Pierre Woods used to be a monster.

In 2003, Pierre was second on the team in tackles (68) and led the team in TFL (14) and sacks (7). He was tearing people's faces off in the 2004 Rose Bowl against USC.

Then the guy basically pissed away his final 3 years.

Well Prescott Burgess is on the same path to obsurity. An absolute freakshow at 6-4, 250, Prescott has been given a seat on the bench by Lloyd Carr in favor of Chris Graham (that's right, Chris Graham, not Brandon Graham).

That's a pretty big fall-off for a guy that was rated the 16th overall recruit in the country by Tom Lemming in 2003 (ahead of JaMarcus Russell and Brady Quinn).

The best part is, no one else even realizes how much this guy sucks. Phil Steele ranks Prescott as the 5th best OLB in the country this year and Fox Sports ranks him as the 67th best prospect for the 2007 Draft.

Prescott: it's time to wake up ...


Get those fingernails sharpened ....

REALEST OF THE WEEK

There are times when someone does something so real it reminds us why we run this website. This is one of them...

From the AP:

New Mexico State University star forward Tyrone Nelson has been suspended from the team pending an investigation into allegations that he robbed a pizza delivery man...

"The situation is not consistent with Tyrone's character, but we will get to the bottom of what happened," NMSU head coach Reggie Theus said.

Nelson was a first team All-Western Athletic Conference player last year for the Aggies. He averaged a team-high 17.8 points and 8.7 rebounds during the 2005-06 season.

It'd be easy to blame this on Nelson, but we're going to point the finger at the administration. How do you expect discipline on the team when your coach is the guy from "Hang Time"?

BIGGEST 'M' FOOTBALL BUSTS IN PAST 5 YEARS

5. DAVID UNDERWOOD

Tom Lemming Rank (Class): #66 (2001)
Ranked ahead of...: Craphonso Thorpe (#71), Matt Leinart (#76), Kyle Orton (#86)
Skinny: Underwood was supposed to be Chris Perry's successor heading into the 2004 season. After playing like crap against Miami Ohio, Underwood got a "concussion" on the second play against Notre Dame. He basically never saw the field again, as Mike Hart rushed for over 1,400 yards.
Whereabouts: Unknown (although he does have a Facebook profile)

4. RYAN MUNDY

Tom Lemming Rank (Class): #31 (2003)
Ranked ahead of...: Donte Whitner (#47) , Mario Williams (#90)
Skinny: This guy was ranked ahead of Donte Whitner coming out of high school. Whitner was just the 8th overall pick of the 2006 NFL Draft, while Mundy is just looking to start after missing almost the entire 2005 season with a shoulder injury. You can't fault a guy for being hurt, but Mundy wasn't exactly a shutdown corner in 2004.
Whereabouts: University of Michigan

3. CLAYTON RICHARD

Tom Lemming Rank (Class): #22 (2003)
Ranked ahead of...: LaMarr Woodley (#27), Ernie Sims (#28), LenDale White (#39)
Skinny: A two-sport star in football and baseball, "The Rocket" was supposed to be the next Drew Henson. Instead, Richard's college career went about as well as Henson's career - Rocket was a complete bust.
Whereabouts: Playing for the Chicago Cubs' Class 'A' affiliate in Kannapolis, NC

2. MATT GUTIERREZ

Tom Lemming Rank (Class): #26 (2002)
Ranked ahead of...: Jason Avant (#49), Drew Olson (#93)
Skinny: The kid never lost a game in high school. He was supposed to be the anti-Navarre: a winner that was mobile and... latino. As stated earlier, one of three things happened with Gutierrez: he actually injured his shoulder, was benched for disciplinary reasons, or was the subject of racial discrimination. Either way, he bombed big time.
Whereabouts: Idaho State (Division I-AA)

1. KELLY BARAKA

Tom Lemming Rank (Class): #16 (2001)
Ranked ahead of... Larry Fitzgerald (#24), Shaun Cody (#28), Marlin Jackson (#31)
Skinny: Who else? Superman had Kryptonite, Baraka had Ganja. The all-everything RB from Portage Northern got busted for weed not once, not twice, but three times before getting the boot from Lloyd Carr (or at least we can speculate he was busted the third time). He never played a down.
Whereabouts: Unknown (Last anyone heard, he transferred to Joliet Junior College)

WILLIE WILLIAMS SWEEPSTAKES OVER???

Are we the official blog of Willie Williams? We just might be. Anyway, the infamous former Miami LB who was arrested 10 times in high school and kept a diary for the Miami Herald, just might have found a taker. From today's Atlanta Journal Constitution:

"Former University of Miami linebacker Willie Williams has enrolled at West Los Angeles College, the community college's coach, Craig Austin, told The Miami Herald. Williams, whose record of 11 arrests was revealed the day he signed a letter-of-intent with Miami in February 2004, asked the Hurricanes to release him from his scholarship in July."

Are the sweepstakes really over? Or is this another false alarm, like the reports he was attending West Virginia, Pearl River CC and College of the Sequoias?

Only time will tell...

Stop teasing us, Willie!

GETTING OUR GUTZ ON

All this talk about Michigan quarterbacks has gotten us sentimental, so we decided to track down former Michigan QB Matt Gutierrez.

You remember him - he's the guy from De La Salle everybody wanted at quarterback instead of John Navarre. One of the top QB recruits in the country in 2002, no one's quite sure why Gutz never got his shot.

Did he really hurt his shoulder before the 2005 opener against Miami (OH)?

Was he suspended from the team on the downlow?

Is Lloyd Carr a racist?

I guess we will never know. But if it makes you feel any better, Gutz is having a "torrid" fall camp, according to the Idaho State SID (BTW, the Bengals are Division 1-AA).

Gutz's stats in two scrimmages: 21-for-30, 296 yards, 5 touchdowns, 1 INT.

Way to go Gutz - don't let the man hold you down...

WILLIE WILLIAMS UPDATE!

It's that time again, folks. From yesterday's Miami Herald:

Former UM linebacker Willie Williams did not show up at College of the Sequoias, and his attorney, Paul Lazarus, said he would not be going there.

Sequoias offensive coordinator Andy Siegal, a former head coach at Miami Coral Park High, said he called Williams at least 20 times with no response after Williams called Sequoias last Thursday asking about playing there.

Siegal said he heard through former connections in Miami that Williams might play at West Los Angeles College, a community college that plays in the Competitive Western State Conference.

Beggers can't be choosers, Willie...

HENSON TAKES IT IN THE POOPER - AGAIN

Despite a "breakout" season in NFL Europe, Drew Henson has gotten the boot from Bill Parcells and the Dallas Cowboys. This comes two years after Henson quit baseball because he whiffed on more curveballs than Pedro Cerrano.

Let's put this in perspective for you:

* The Cowboys' No. 2 quarterback, Tony Romo, played Division 1-AA football at Eastern Illinois and went undrafted in 2003.

* Drew Henson was taken in the 6th round that same year (192nd overall) by the Houston Texas, even though he was playing baseball at the time (by the way, this AP story is wrong - Henson was not drafted in 2002).

* The guy everyone wanted to bench for Henson at Michigan, Tom Brady, is a 3-time Super Bowl champion.

* Henson's disastrous replacement, John Navarre, is STILL in the NFL (although we maintain his move to the sporting goods industry is imminent).

Here's hoping the Lions take a chance on him - Henson can't be any worse than Dan Orlovsky. Otherwise, it might be time for Drew to break out the glove again....


"There's always going to be haters" - Drew Henson

VOTE FOR PEDRO?

We came across this picture of the 1974 National Champion USC Trojans. For some reason, #11 stood out to us:

REALEST OF THE WEEK

It wasn't even close:

SAM KELLER A MICHIGAN MAN???

You gotta feel for Arizona State QB Sam Keller. After originally committing to Michigan (his dad starred for the Wolverines), Keller headed to ASU after Michigan signed Chad Henne.

Well Keller just took it in the pooper again...

ASU coach Dirk Koetter announced Keller the starter, then took it back almost immediately. Not only does this make Koetter a favorite for Realest of the Week, it puts Keller on the free-agent market with Willie Williams.

That's right folks, it's possible Keller and Williams end up at Michigan. Keller has two redshirt years available (one for transferring, one waiting for Henne) and could start in between the Chad Henne and Ryan Mallett eras.

This guy torched the Pac-10 last season - imagine how good he will be with two years of practice?

It sounds laughable now, but what if Henne goes pro after this year? Certainly Carr won't repeat the same mistake he made with Drew Henson, will he???


Pointing east?

Willie's reaction to the news...

WHO'S THE BIGGER DOUCHE?

We feel like a lot of people don't realize President George W. Bush and "Access Hollywood" host Billy Bush are cousins. Since both of them are running our country into the ground in their own separate way, we decided to find out once and for all who is the bigger douche:

BILLY BUSH

Occupation: "Access Hollywood" host
D.O.B.: Oct. 13, 1971 (34 years old)
Given Name: William Hall Bush
College: Colby
Looks Like... The Devil
Obnoxious Climax: Asking Naomi Watts "Watts Up?!" at the Academy Awards
Biggest Critic: Billy Crystal - called other Billy "the most annoying man in show business" (seriously)

GEORGE W. BUSH

Occupation: President of the United States
D.O.B.: July 6, 1946 (60 years old)
Given Name: George Walker Bush
College: Yale
Looks Like... A chimpanzee
Obnoxious Climax: "The Pet Goat" debacle
Biggest Critic: Michael Moore - tried to ruin George W.'s life for past 5 years

S.O.A.P = HORRIBLE = FANTASTIC = REAL

Snakes.
Planes.
Snakes on a Plane.
Mothafuckin'.
Mothafuckin' Snakes on Mothafuckin' Planes.

That, in a nutshell, is "Snakes on a Plane." The Great Zubino and myself went with a few friends to catch a screening of Sam Jackson's newest movie on Thursday night. I have no doubt that I was the oldest person in the theater. Now, loyal readers know that The Realests are not mature, would never pretend to be mature, and find the concept of pretending to be mature very douchebaggy. Well, I think I was a little too mature for the movie. It was a sad realization as I sat there thinking "Who thought this was a good idea?" while my brother sat three seats down from me, the veins on his face almost exploding from laughter, shaking our entire row of seats out of excitement.

A few highlights from the movie:
1) The bad guy from Karate Kid 2 is the bad guy.
2) Nudity.
3) Snakes biting penises, nipples, and eyeballs.
4) Keenan Mitchell, of SNL and Nickelodeon fame, being a hero.
5) Sam Jackson screaming, "Turn this big motherfucker left!!!"

Lots of people will talk about how great this movie is for blogger culture, etc. And it is. But it was a bad movie. A gloriously bad movie. And one that The Realests will definitely own on DVD when it comes out.

WILLIE WILLIAMS SWEEPSTAKES BACK ON!

Just when we finally gave up hope Willie Williams could end up a Wolverine, Pearl River Community College in Mississippi has rejected Willie three days after saying they would let him play.

Lloyd Carr, are you listening?!??!

Hang in there, Willie!

FACEBOOK PICTURES OF THE WEEK

We're pretty perplexed by the latest finding on Facebook. If you look through Braylon Edwards' pictures, you will stumble across multiple shots of Braylicious flashing this sign:


Bray, stop flexin' ...

Oddly enough, Mike Hart has also adopted the "Four Duece" hand sign:



We can't quite figure this out. With these pretty boys, we can cross off a gang sign. And with just two digits, surely it's not an area code thing.

So what does it mean?

The mystery of the "Four Deuce" might never be solved...

UNC WOMEN'S SOCCER COACH A DMX FAN?

Two blips in the news were the release of DMX's new album, "The Year of the Dog - Again" and the reopening of the sexual harassment case of North Carolina women's soccer coach Anson Dorrance.

While reading over the case, we can't help but compare the allegations against him to the intro of DMX's old hit, "How's it Going Down." Furthermore, both the allegations and the song date back to 1998. Coincidence? We think not.

Allow us to compare:

DORRANCE

Courtesy of the Durham Herald-Sun:

"In a one-on-one meeting in Dorrance's hotel room during the College Cup in December 1996, Jennings said in a deposition that Dorrance grilled her about her grades and social life.

"Who are you (fucking)?" Dorrance is alleged to have said.

"None of your (fucking) business," Jennings said in response."

DMX

Guy: Whose dick you sucking?
Girl: Don't call me with that bullshit, alright
Guy: You lying, you lying to me, Di
Girl: Yeah exactly
(cont.)
Guy: Lying ass bitch. You ain't shit. Do I got to hollar his name too?
Girl: Who the fuck is he!?
Guy: Bitch you fuckin him!


Pervert ... or just an X fan???

THE NEW YORK POST IS PURE EVIL

That's always been true, but the Post's coverage of Paul Lo Duca is just ridiculous. First, they made his divorce a front page story, accussing him of adultery. Then they ran a story about a teenager he's boning that he met at "18 & Over" night at a Long Island bar.

And now this: more accusations from another 19-year that claims she's hooked up with Lo Duca and is now heart broken. Are you kidding me? Two choice excerpts:

"She said that he only called her when in town with the Marlins or Mets and that the pair had their romps exclusively at the Westin and the Hyatt, where he occasionally stayed."

"You never know how many are out there," the shattered 19-year-old said. "He put on a good show. [It seemed like] he cared about me. He was a nice guy. Now I know it was all a show." "

What are you talking about bitch? The guy ONLY called you when in town with the Marlins or Mets, and you're saying he put on a show? Sounds like he was pretty up front to me...

Not evil enough? Here's the real kicker:

"On the straying slugger's sexual prowess in bed, Alisio then added, "He's all right but below what I expected." "

Wouldn't want to be the Post's Mets beat writers after today's game...

WILLIE WILLIAMS TO... PEARL RIVER CC???

After weeks of speculation, the best LB in college football - Willie Williams - has officially transferred from Miami. The rumor mill was spining about Willie's destination - Yahoo sports had him going to West Virginia, then Louisville and Troy jumped into the mix.

Where did he finally end up?

Pearl River Community College.

This is a loss not just for Michigan fans, but college football fans in general.

No Willie, thumbs down ...

BO SCHEMBECHLER SPEAKS

There's two people connected to the Michigan Athletic Department that tell it like it is - Rich Maloney and Bo Schembechler.

It's not always good when Bo opens his trap, i.e. saying the Michigan basketball coach will never make more than the football coach, which effectively scared away Rick Pitino.

But at 77 years old, this guy really just doesn't give a fuck. Check out some choice comments from a recent Free Press article:

"We don't need Notre Dame. They need us more than we need them."

"Hell, we're playing all these Big Ten teams. When Penn State came into the league, then we should do everything we can to get this Notre Dame series over with."

On Lloyd Carr wanting a playoff: "He's just talking. It sounds good. He doesn't want a playoff. I'll speak for him. He doesn't want a playoff."

"Can you believe what Bill Martin is doing to Michigan Stadium? The hell with him..."

OK, maybe that last one was made up...

BOBBY ABREU'S FIANCEE

We're not sure how to start this post...

Basically, we started talking about how much we loved "Temptation Island." The exchange between Billy and Mandy is one of the greatest reality show moments in history. While talking about this, someone mentioned that New York Yankees star Bobby Abreu went through a similar situation.

It sounds like bullshit. But it's not. Apparently, Abreu's fiancee went on a Mexican reality show and boned some sleeze bag. Of course, it's now on You Tube.

We've never liked Abreu - he's always seemed lazy. But you gotta feel for a guy after seeing something like this (by the way, Mexican TV is raunchy):

WE BETTER BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF IOWA...

Every year, Iowa's Kirk Ferentz competes for the Big Ten title with inferior talent. This year it appears he is just mocking other Big Ten coaches with the lack of talent he is putting on the playing field. Check out Iowa's defensive line (from left: Alex Kanellis, Matt Kroul, Mitch King and Bryan Mattison).

Ferentz, you bastard!

GREATEST/WORST THING EVER

Find out which celebrity you live near!

WILLIE WILLIAMS UPDATE

Did you honestly think we had forgotten about the best linebacker in the country - Willie Williams?

As of Saturday, the AP was reporting Willie could be headed to Troy of all places:

Linebacker Willie Williams is in discussions with Troy University in Alabama about possibly transferring there after receiving permission from the University of Miami to do so, a Troy official said Friday night.

Ricky Hazel, the sports information director for Troy, said the school is interested in Williams and that UM on Thursday told Troy it would release Williams from his Miami scholarship to play there. Hazel said Troy defensive coordinator Jeremy Rowell has spoken with Williams and those discussions will continue.

''We're working on it,'' Hazel said.
UM spokesman Rick Korch said Williams has not told UM where he will transfer, but that he has been given permission to transfer to Troy, which could give Williams a scholarship.

For a guy that gained fame from writing about getting wined, dined and 69ed from all the major college football programs, this would be a very disappointing pick.

Obviously, Lloyd Carr is still one phone call away from bringing Willie to Ann Arbor, but time is running out ...

We love you Willie!

JOE LUNARDI: MAD BRACKETOLOGIST

From the same network that just broke down the entire 2007 Playoffs comes Bracketology in August.

Predicting NCAA Tournament teams before the season is one thing. Projecting match-ups, Last Four In and Last Four Out is just insanity.

This is what you will eventually stumble upon after reading Andy Katz's Michigan preview. Apparently, Joe Lunardi has a lot of time on his hands.

Rest easy Michigan fans - the Wolverines are going to make their first NCAA Tournament in 9 years in 2007 (that's right, start booking the tickets to New Orleans). But there won't be much time for celebration - Michigan is getting a (9) seed, and a tough first-round draw against perennial giant-killer Southern Illinois.

Even worse, if Michigan survives, they'll have to face Big Baby and the Bengals in the Bayou. That seems pretty unfair - it's a good thing we have 6 months to bitch about it. Go Blue.


Joe: Put the bracket down ...

REMEMBERING WHY WE LOVE THE NFL...

A little part of the NFL dies each time someone writes about Terrell Owens.

With round-the-clock coverage on how T.O. is getting along with his teammates and Bill Parcells or pulling his hamstring, it's getting really easy to forget why we love the NFL.


Luckily, I found two clips that bring those old feelings rushing back, even in August...

REALEST OF THE WEEK

As someone that's been arrested for urinating in public, I've got a soft spot for guys out there like Red Berenson that have been brought up on the same charges.

But my heart really goes out to former "Up Close" host and ESPN field reporter, Gary Miller. You remember him: he was the guy with the shit-eating grin stuck on his face.

Well check out what happened to Miller in between games of the 1997 ALCS between the Indians and Orioles.

From the AP:

CLEVELAND - ESPN's Gary Miller, a host for the cable sports network's "Baseball Tonight," was arrested Saturday and charged with urinating out the window of a Cleveland nightclub onto off-duty police officers.

Miller, 40, of Branford, Conn., was arrested at about 1:30 a.m. at The Basement, a popular dance club in Cleveland's Flats neighborhood. He was charged with public indecency, aggravated disorderly conduct and resisting arrest, police Sgt. Mark Hastings said...

Hastings said Miller was seen urinating out an upstairs window at The Basement. Two undercover officers were sprayed with urine, Hastings said.

The R. Kelly of sports?

THE END OF AN ERA

It's with a heavy heart I break news that Cavaliers' play-by-play guy Michael Reghi has been fired. Apparently, owner Dan Gilbert decided to whack him in favor of Pistons play-by-play man Fred McLeod, a personal friend of Gilbert's.

Whether he was screaming "WINE AND GOLD!" and thinking of new lines for LeBron James to get on "Sportscenter" (i.e. "Flight 23 is prepared for takeoff!"), Reghi was a doofus. But he was our doofus.

I mean, look at this guy's blog or his statement following the news: "Cleveland is my home and where my heart belongs. I've poured extreme passion into my work with the Cavaliers."

He bled whine and gold.

It's a sad day for Cavalier fans, Usher and Moondog. The Cavaliers' flag is definitely at half-mast today.


This backward shot's for you, Reghi...

HAYES GROOMS IMMORTALIZED?

We love Tommy Amaker retiring numbers left and right to turn attention away from the court. Everyone scratched their heads when we retired Bill Buntin's No. 22 last season.

Are we seeing correctly - is Hayes Grooms next? I'm serious: doesn't that guy next to him look like former Michigan AD Tom Goss?

Something fishy is going on here...

TROUBLE IN PARADISE

With the recent signings of Alex Legion and Manny Harris, things are starting to look up for the Michigan basketball program.

Then came devastating news from the NCAA yesterday:

The NIT Committee has decided to reduce the field for its postseason tournament to 32 teams. The tournament had expanded to 40 teams in 2002.

Committee Chair C.M. Newton said a study of team and fan feedback determined that the postseason tournament is best structured when composed of four eight-team regions.

"Tommy: will you appeal this decision?"

REALEST OF THE WEEK

There have been a ton of submissions for Realest of the Week in the last couple days, namely Ken Jennings and Mel Gibson. But Syracuse wide receiver Max Meisel - all 5-foot-4 of him - is a hero.

I mean, the guy got carried off the field in the Spring Game.

But it's what he did high school that must be acknowledged over 2 years later.

From the local ABC station in Weston, CT (who, unfortunately can't spell the kid's name right):

Max Miesel didn't get very far with his prom date – who's a porn star.

Max won a date with adult film actress Tyler Faith on Howard Stern's show Friday. Max is a student at Connecticut's Weston High School.

The Advocate of Stamford reports school officials and Max's parents stepped in before Saturday's prom. Max said his dream was to take a porn star to the dance. But it was dream unfulfilled.

Weston High Principal Mary Kolek says a date with a porn star violates the school's prom guidelines.

Kolek said Max would be allowed to attend – with a more appropriate date.

Really, Principal Kolek? It was in the guidelines that no porn stars are allowed at prom? We find that hard to believe...

Let's hope this story gains legs and she must answer the public's outcry over this matter...

A TRIP DOWN "MLB TRADE DEADLINE" LANE

Detroit Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski has done one of the most incredible jobs in the history of baseball, and continues to make smart moves like trading for 1B Sean Casey.

So we thought this would naturally be a perfect time to bring up the 2002 trade deadline - Dombrowski's first with the Tigers - when Dave went off and bashed the team at a season-ticket holders lunch, only to have the comments recorded and played a million times.

Our favorites:

"Craig Paquette - if you can trade him, call me tomorrow - is making $2.75 million next year."

"I love Dean Palmer... if you can trade him tomorrow, give me a call."

"Damion Easley - I love him... He's been hot. He's still not hitting .200..."

"Matt Anderson. Pretty good closer when he's healthy. Can you trade Matt Anderson tomorrow? I'd love to see you try. Again, give me a call."

"Bobby Higginson, who's a solid player. He's going to make $11.85 million next year. You try to trade him."

Easley is the only one mentioned above that is currently on an MLB roster. He's batting .233 for the Diamondbacks.

By the way, shout out to John Lowe, who made an appearance on ESPNews this afternoon to talk Tigers.

WILL JIM DUQUETTE WORK MAGIC AGAIN?

There's an hour-and-a-half left until the MLB Trade Deadline.

Note to all GMs: get Jim Duquette on the phone! As you might recall, the current VP of Baseball Operations in Baltimore is the same guy that traded away Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano at the 2003 deadline...

MIKEY, REALESTS SET TO HIT VEGAS

As mentioned earlier, we'll be in Vegas this weekend tracking Mikey the Chimp at the World Series of Poker. You thought we were joking? In fact, we openly challenge any other media outlet in America to send two writers to cover this story.

We'll be staying at Mandalay Bay from Thursday afternoon until Sunday night. We should arrive just hours after Mikey's press conference entering him into the tournament.

Stay tuned for full coverage of Mikey's run at immortality....

JIM BOCCHER FOUND!

Michigan's 2003 special teams is something we've all unsuccessfully suppressed from our memory. Certainly, no one's tried harder than Jim Boccher, the unit's coach at the time.

Here's a quick recap:

In the annual nonconference loss against Oregon, Big Blue allowed a punt return for a TD, a blocked punt returned for a TD, a missed extra-point, a blocked extra-point and a muffed fake punt.

Boccher topped himself by attempting a "roll-out" punt against Iowa, that was blocked and eventually lost Michigan the game.

Boccher never saw the Michigan sideline again due to "personal reasons" and hasn't been heard from since. The guy's name was even deleted from the Bentley Historical Library's page on the 2003 team.

We kept thinking back to "The Usual Suspects": "The greatest trick Jim Boccher ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist..."

But now, after three years in hiding, Boccher has been tracked down at an Ann Arbor Real Estate firm named McKinley.

A real estate guy with no clue about sports? Sounds like Michigan's next athletic director!


Zing!

BRING BACK PEDRO'S GOOD LUCK CHARM

The Mets' Pedro Martinez has been out nearly a month with a right hip inflammation. The nagging injury has puzzled us for weeks until we remembered Martinez had a falling out with his "good luck charm", Nelson de la Rosa, after signing with New York.

We say it's time for these two to settle their differences if the Mets are going to have any shot of winning this thing. Like Major League's Jo Boo, de la Rosa could sit in Pedro's locker or stand in the bullpen during warm ups.

The similarity between Jo Boo and de la Rosa is astonishing.

Basically, we just want more You Tube clips like this one:

CATCHING UP WITH: PHIL BRABBS

When you think of Michigan sports legends, certain names always pop up: Bo, Cazzie, Rudy, Red, Desmond... Brabbs.

Despite the fact he only made 3 field goals in his entire Michigan career, Brabbs will always be remembered for his game-winning 44-yard boot against Washington in the 2002 season opener. If you've ever seen Phil Brabbs kick a field goal, you know that kick was nothing short of a miracle.

Living with his wife in Midland, MI, Phil now works for Accenture. Well as you can see below, there's been another miracle in his life. That's right - Brabbs became a father this past February to a baby boy named Ocean. Congrats Phil.

First of all, we're getting really old.

Second, let's hope Ocean goes to State...

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Call us jaded, but few things actually surprise us these days. Mikey the Chimp playing in the World Series of Poker is one of them. As the New York Post said earlier this week on an unrelated topic: "You can rip ESPN for its over-the-top analysis, its boo-yahs, its self promotion, its needless graphics, its cell phones, its .... But sometimes ESPN gets it right."

Judging by this video, Mikey is about to wreck shit (make sure to watch all the way through - he really goes nuts in the final minute):



Here's another clip if you want to see him actually "playing" poker:


There will be a press conference at 2:00pm (PST) on Thursday, July 27 at the Palms Hotel, when they will officially announce he's playing in the World Series of Poker.

As you all probably know by now, we're heading to Vegas this weekend. We're now frantically trying to change our flights to make it for this presser. Stay tuned...

'M' NOTES

It's time to get back to our roots with some Michigan sports. Here's our take on the recent news out of Ann Arbor:

Is it just us, or when you hear this "Lloyd Carr got an official fired for being partially blind" story, you just keep picturing the trainer from Seabiscuit yelling: "HE'S BLIND IN ONE EYE!" ???

Amaker landed Top-50 recruit Manny Harris and then Alex Legion recommitted to Michigan - (he's still the Devil). When asked why he chose Michigan, I just want one of these kids to say: "I love what coach is doing with the swirly-finger offense..."

Michigan hockey's top recruit, Trevor Lewis, bolted for the NHL before playing a game at UM. As usual, Red Berenson tried his scare tactics with lines like: "I think (the Kings) took advantage of a kid who wasn't getting good advice..." Red, this obviously doesn't work. We think it's time Rick gets a chance to head up recruiting....

It makes us sick that we put together an All-Name Team and didn't include our own Mister Simpson. Mister: if you're reading, we'll make it up to you...

The new face of Michigan basketball