BRANDON LLOYD IS PURE EVIL

Courtesy of the DC Sports Bog, Brandon Lloyd has somehow found a way to become a bigger cancer for the Redskins: randomly "outing" Troy Aikman - or at least trying to. Stay classy, Brandon.

Between cussing out his WR coach, blowing off Al Saunders, tossing his helmet during games and admitting to dogging it on plays, I'd go so far as saying this guy's a bigger distraction than Michael Westbrook, which is pretty hard to accomplish considering Westbrook pummeled Stephen Davis in training camp.

Expect a Top 10 Biggest Cancers in Sports list very soon. He's another guy you can expect to see.

MAYBE GLEN MASON WASN'T SO BAD...

Don't get us wrong: Glen Mason is not a good football coach (no matter what this guy thinks).

He is an average football coach at best that can't hold a lead to save his life. And the guy was a master of padding his early schedule to generate BS 10-win seasons. But he's a great recruiter that churned out NFL running backs (Laurence Maroney, Marion Barber III) and offensive linemen (Greg Eslinger, Mark Setterstrom).

In other words, he was a poor man's John Cooper with a fake bake.

So it's pretty ironic that the Gophers fired Mason after blowing a 31-point second half lead to Texas Tech in last year's Insight Bowl (a bowl record), only to blow a 21-point lead with 17:00 left to Northwestern on Saturday.

Mason didn't exactly leave the cupboard full upon his departure, but the Gophers are now 1-5 with loses to Bowling Green and FAU.

So what exactly was the thinking again when AD Joel Maturi fired Mason? That Minnesota needed a new coach to take them to the "next level"? Geniuses like Ron Zook come around only once in a lifetime!

Hey Gopher fans, look at the bright side: in a couple years, you'll watch your team get rocked while freezing your ass off as well.

POP QUIZ

What's wrong with this photo? If you are a true Michigan Man, it should take you about 2 seconds.

Yikes, Washington Post. We expect better:

T-MINUS 21 HOURS TILL THIS GUY IS FIRED

Lamar Thomas, meet the new dumbest color guy in sports, Dave Lapham:

Rule #2 about being on-air (behind never encouraging an on-field brawl): Never, ever, under any circumstance use the word rape.

Whoops:



Now people are coming out of the woodwork to say Lapham used the phrase "face raked" instead of "face raped." I'm sure that will be his defense when this becomes a monster controversy over the next week. It'll probably even end up in a lawsuit that's decided by instant replay.

Whatever. The ruling on the field is that the dude said rape. Have fun overturning that.

It's 3 A.M. There's no way he makes it through the day with his job intact.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, See ya!

(Props to Awful Announcing for this find)

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WRAP UP

I'm going to keep this short because I just went to a wedding and I'm tired.

Les Miles might as well start contract negotiations with Bill Martin right now. It's a done deal, folks.

Kentucky's coach should also start contract negotiations with Bill Martin right now. I mean, he did beat Les Miles.

Jim lit a fire under Mario Manningham. 8 receptions, 147 yards, 2 TDs. Never under estimate the influence that the 69th most influential sports blog in the world has.

Michigan is the leader and the best. Remember when we lost to Appalachian State at the start of the year and made the "upset" the cool thing to do? LSU, USC, Florida, Auburn, West Virginia, Oklahoma, Texas, and Rutgers have all followed our lead. Hail to the victors!

... MORE LIKE WARIO MANNINGHAM

Didn't we just go through this with Braylon Edwards?

After getting suspended for the Eastern Michigan game, everyone in Ann Arbor is scratching their heads. I mean, we all knew Braylon used to be a punk-ass bitch, but Mario Manningham? He's the last guy we expected to turn douche on us. But when you look at the comparison, it's deja blue all over again (gotta love the shout out to the most overused headline in Daily history).

Take a look:

BRAYLON EDWARDS
Freshman Year: 3 REC, 38 YDS
Sophomore Year: 67 REC, 1,035 YDS, 10 TD
Junior Year (first 4 games): 26 REC, 328 YDS, 3 TD
Turned Into: R. Kelly
Signs of Douchery:
- Not practicing hard
- Dropped balls
- Turning down interviews
- Urinating on minors
Lloyd: "We're not on the same page and Braylon's a good reader" (OH SNAP!)
Punishment: Sat out 1st half vs. Indiana
Turning Point: J. Brady McCollough puts Bray on blast
Result: 2004 Biletnikoff Winner, #3 Overall Pick in 2005 NFL Draft

MARIO MANNINGHAM
Freshman Year: 27 REC, 433 YDS, 6 TD
Sophomore Year: 38 REC, 703 YDS, 9 TD (started just 9 games)
Junior Year (first 6 games): 29 REC, 402 YDS, 2 TD
Turned Into: Wario Manningham
Signs of Douchery:
- Not practicing hard
- Running out of bounds on every play
- Quitting vs. Oregon
Lloyd: "I don't think he's played as well as he can."
Punishment: Sat out Eastern Michigan game
Turning Point: TBD
Result: ???

Our question is this: If Manningham turns it around like Braylicious, will everyone start clinging to Lloyd's nuts again and babble on about what a father figure he's been to kids like Braylon, Chris Perry, Bennie Joppru and Marlin Jackson?

In that case, we'd rather Wario sticks around...

RAISE THE TERROR ALERT LEVEL

I'm not one to be an alarmist. But we're all in really big trouble right now. Our country has never been in greater jeopardy.

Jack Bauer is going to jail.

A judge decided that Keifer needed to spend some time in the slammer as punishment for a DUI. Now, we don't advocate drinking and driving on this blog, but we think that sending Jack Bauer to jail is the dumbest idea in history.

We're living on borrowed time, folks.

First, the odds that Bauer spends more than 5 minutes behind bars are slim to none. Hasn't this judge watched 24? Bauer lives for stuff like this - he's gonna break out before he even gets in there!

Second, this is just inviting harm to our country. Probably not the smartest idea to jail someone that's saved our country from absolute destruction 6 years in a row.

Third, Scalia is going to find someway to overturn this decision.

Fourth, maybe this is a flip mctwerk. Remember when Jack went undercover to start Season 3? Maybe he needs to get into the LA Jail system to infiltrate another bad guy crew.

Either way. Watch your back for now. The world just got a lot more dangerous.

MARCO MYSTERY FINALLY SOLVED?

For all your perverts out there that typed in "Marco Belinelli girlfriend" into Google (The Realests included) after seeing this clip (below) during the NBA Draft, we have good news: Her identity might be confirmed.

Peter Schrager of FoxSports.com is claiming victory after a reader wrote in claiming her name is Melissa Ignazio. Well, that's been posted on the Internet since July and there's absolutely nothing to support this except a link to Italian message boards with a picture of a babe that resembles her.

We're still not sold but figured we'd let you be the judge:



Unfortunately, Schrager also provides no insight into our main question: How does a dude looking that much like a ferret land such a hot chick?

I guess we'll have to settle for one answer at a time...

TIME TO CALL IT A CAREER TOP 10

We aren’t going to name names (actually, that's exactly what we're going to do), but there’s nothing sadder than a fallen champion. One minute you’re the greatest of all time, the next you’re whoring yourself out on Dancing With The Stars talking about how this is more exciting than the Super Bowl.

Without giving the list away, the last week has been full of moments where sports fans everywhere have said to themselves, “Just hang it up already!” Whether the player is no longer effective, putting himself in serious physical danger or driving us crazy with speculation on when he will retire, here are the athletes we most want to retire:

10. Chris Webber: You know you’re washed up when the 76ers are paying you over $20 million this season to not play for them. Sure he looked good in the regular season with the Pistons when nobody plays any defense, but those creaky old knees caught up to him in the playoffs. The highlight of watching Webber, 34, play last year was watching his teammates make fun of how he can barely dunk anymore. C-Webb couldn’t jump over a candlestick right now. We love how Webber recently said he won’t play in Greece this season because he doesn’t want to disrespect the game. You know what’s disrespecting the game? Playing ZERO defense for the past 5 years.

9. Dikembe Mutombo: The question with Dikembe is never “How much does he have left in the tank?” but rather, “Who wants to sex Mutombo?!” He claims to be 41, but who really knows with this guy? Given that Yao is going to miss at least half the season, the Rockets just signed him to a one-year deal. We know Dikembe had to talk to the commish about the Finger Wag, but when was the last time he actually got to use it in a game? All jokes aside, Mutombo did average 6.5 RPG last year and came up huge after Yao went down.

8. Roger Clemens: We’ll spare you the stats about how much Clemens cost the Yankees this season per strikeout, win, etc. etc. You don’t need to be a Rocket scientist (pun intended, bitches!) to figure out $28 million for a 6-6 record and 4.18 ERA is a bad investment. Whether Clemens (45) officially retires or not, there needs to be a media embargo on this guy come spring training.

7. Kevin Willis: Listed as the oldest active player in the NBA, the 44-year old was the 11th overall pick in the 1984 NBA Draft (yes, that’s the same one as Olajuwon, Jordan and Barkley). Currently without a team after joining the Mavs for the postseason, he’s the second oldest player in NBA history behind Nat Hickey, who played until he was 46. You know, the Celtics could use some frontcourt help…

6. Vinny Testaverde: You can’t complain about this Heisman winner not lasting in the NFL. After winning it in 1986, Vinny’s been around so long he even played in these uniforms (pictured - man those were beautiful...). He joined the Patriots for the 2006 season, but Vinchenzo was cut in training camp (on a side note, how screwed are the Patriots if Brady goes down? Their backups are two guys that couldn’t hack it in Division I-A – Matt Cassel & Matt Gutierrez). With QBs dropping like flies, Vinny might get one last shot. (Update: We feel like John Fox personally slapped us in the face right now, as the Panthers have just signed Vinny).

5. Chris Chelios: We don’t actually watch hockey but judging by the Red Wings annual disappointment in the playoffs, we’re guessing he isn’t getting any younger. At 45, not only is he the oldest player in the league, he’s even older than his own coach, Mike Babcock. Let’s just hope Old Man River doesn’t slip on the ice this year and break a hip.

4. Julio Franco: Just when you thought his career was finally over, the Atlanta Braves called Franco up from Triple-A (can you imagine playing in the minors with this guy?) in September after turning 49 on August 23rd. We love this nugget of info: “Julio Franco is the only active player to face a pitcher who pitched against Hall of Famer Ted Williams.” That stat has Tim Kurkjian’s name written all over it.

3. Stacey Augmon: Has there even been a more apt nickname than Augmon’s: “The Plastic Man”? A former teammate of Greg Anthony and Larry Johnson at UNLV, both have been retired for 5 years. Not Augmon, who recently signed with the Denver Nuggets. The guy hasn’t averaged over 6 PPG since 1996 and has started over 10 games in a season four times since then. By the way, we love the idea of Augmon being the missing piece that’s going to get the Nuggets over the hump in the playoffs.

2. Trent Green: In the summer, Jason Taylor said if Green took one more hit, he’d be “scrambled eggs.” Fitting, since you needed a spatula to pick him up off the Reliant Stadium field Sunday. Watching back-to-back clips of Green getting destroyed by Robert Geathers in 2006 and Travis Johnson on Sunday make us want to puke. The man has turned into a crash-test dummy. Green needs to call it quits before he’s in a hospital bed getting spoon fed tapioca pudding for the rest of his life while his kids lock themselves in their rooms all day and listen to “Daddy, Where Have You Been?”

1. Evander Holyfield: It’s hard not to like Real Deal Holyfield. I mean, come on, the man had his ear bitten off! But it’s time to hang up the gloves when an entire state (New York) has banned you from fighting there for 3 years because of concerns for your safety. Still, Holyfield won’t go down. About to turn 45, he insists he won’t retire until he becomes the oldest heavyweight champion, which has lead him to Moscow for the crown of the World Boxing Organization. We don’t even want to know what Evander will do if he loses this match. He’s so desperate, we wouldn’t be surprised if he pulls a Lawrence Phillips (how did this story not get more pub?).


Let’s Not Forget:

- Cobi Jones (37): He already announced he’s retiring at the end of this MLS season. We thought we’d just rub it in some more.
- Brett Favre (37): Great. Now instead of hearing about when Favre will retire all the time, we’re back to everyone clinging to his nuts.
- Jerry Glanville (65): Seriously Jerry: Division I-AA football? The all black thing stopped being cool like 15 years ago (insert joke here about being too legit to quit). Apparently Jerry didn't get the memo about OT being introduced in college.
- Tim Couch (30): Was banning this guy for six games really necessary?
- Ricky Williams (30): We liked him so much better when he gave interviews with his helmet on.
- Joe Paterno (80): We can’t say it enough: He’s lost 9 straight to Lloyd!
- Bobby Bowden (77): We hate Florida State. Period.
- Morten Andersen (47): Wants to play in the NFL until he’s 50. Could be a problem that he can’t make anything past 40 yards.
- Alonzo Mourning (37): Not that we mention it, the entire Heat roster aside from Dwyane Wade should retire.
- Cliff Robinson (41): After getting cut by the Nets in July, Uncle Cliffy might not have a choice.
- Mike Mussina (38): Loved how he came out and defended Joe Torre, then get shelled by the Indians. We hear he’s the nicest guy in the world. Sadly, there’s just nothing left in the tank.
- Tamir Goodman (25): Ah yes, the Jewish Jordan. He’s playing in the equivalent of the D League in Israel.
- Drew Henson (27): Sorry Drewski.
- 50 Cent (32): We had your word, 50!
- Ray Benzino (42): Eminem already said it all in "Nail in the Coffin."

MAYBE YOU OVERPAID...

...when your off-season max-contract free-agent acquisition has to leave his first game because of cramps.

The interesting thing about this ESPN article is that it doesn't explain what type of cramps Rashard Lewis had. If they were menstrual, do you think that the Magic can get part of that signing bonus back without getting hit with a gender discrimination suit? Does Orlando have a WNBA team? Lewis would probably be at least a 2nd team all-WNBA player.

CRAP NIGHT IN AMERICA

Try to figure this one out.

We like Football. We like Night. We like things that are In America.

But put them all together - and we hate it.

Now, there are a lot of reasons to hate NBC, but we think we found #1 on the list. I'm so angry right now that I'm having trouble finding a place to start. The problematic part of this whole thing is that I'm actually starting to enjoy watching NFL games - I used to think that they were pretty boring (I'm an NBA guy), but I've turned the page on that. Now I'm thinking about turning that page back and closing the book forever.

Now, we know that NBC was hyped to get the NFL and they dumped a ton of money into this production, but that studio is unbearable. I hate it - it's just too much. It's so excessive with it's multiple desks, tickers, glass walls and idiot plasma screens.

Even worse is the fact that there are 6 people on the show. 6 people! Costas, Olbermann, King, Collinsworth, Bettis, and Barber. It's a nightmare especially because their 6 man crew provides less insight than Boomer and TJ did on NFL Primetime. Oh, and on that note, we'll never forgive NBC for forcing Primetime off the air.

I hate their stupid banter. I hate the fact that Barber and Bettis add absolutely no analysis and just sit their with stupid grins on their faces saying nothing of any import. I hate the fact that Olbermann feels the need to be zany and Costas feels the need to fake laugh at the zaniness. I hate the TKO Report and the Worst Person in the NFL segment. I hate the way Peter King points when he talks. I hate how you can see Costas, Olbermann, and King through the glass wall behind CC, Bettis, and Barber. I hate that it's called Football Night In America. WHAT A STUPID NAME! Maybe we change the name of the Today Show to "A Morning Television Program Where Hosts Engage In Witty Banter, Present Human Interest Stories, and Interview People." Is there that much of a lack of creativity??? Hate. Hate. Hate.

Watching this show is like watching 6 douchebags talk about football in a really nice living room. No, actually, that is exactly what it is.

SIMS-ODEN RIVALRY RENEWED???

We're back on Courtney Sims watch. Actually, fuck that. We've always been on the Sims grind - it was you bandwagon assholes that jumped off.

Actually, Sims probably pushed you off of his own bandwagon after he got served up continuously this past year. Well, that's all in the past.

Sims just signed a non-guaranteed contract with the Pacers. He still has to try and make the team, but it's a step in a positive direction for Sims. And a huge negative direction for the Pacers. I mean, let's be realistic - if Sims makes the team, let's just move the Pacers down to the D-League. That would be the humane thing to do.

On the bright side, since Oden is going to be out for the year there's no pressure on Sims to make the League this year. He can just bide his time and get better this year.

And then bring the pain on the League in 2008-2009.

HARBAUGH FOR HIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We take back all the bad things we've ever said about Jim Harbaugh (here, here, here and here).

After beating USC with a bunch of losers, all has been forgiven!

We just hope Harbaugh doesn't dig an even bigger hole for himself now that his head's about to explode. Seriously, there's no telling how much he might run his mouth now.

There's a rumor that Harbaugh just called Pete Carroll "my bitch" in the post-game press conference.

You think the Appalachian State loss was bad? Marinate on this for a second as we prepare for another week of mind-numbing debate about the greatest upset in college football history:

- Stanford went 1-11 last year and got hammered by Arizona State last week, 41-3

- USC was favored by 41 points (Michigan was only favored by 27 over App. State and that infamous Oregon State team that beat Washington in 1985 was a 38-point underdog)

- Since losing to Stanford in his first Pac-10 game (oddly enough, their last home loss), USC had outscored the Cardinal 217-87 during its 5-game winning streak over Stanford

- Stanford's starting quarterback T.C. Ostrander didn't play due to a seizure and was replaced by this doofus

When you think about it, what Harbaugh said about Michigan wasn't that bad. He just questioned our integrity and everything we stand for.

We love you Captain Comeback!

P.S. How sad is it that just over a month ago, we all thought there was no way we could lose to Ohio State again this year. If the game was played next Saturday, we'd be 10-point underdogs to a team that lost its entire offense from 2006. Sheesh.

LOU HOLTZ BOGGLES THE MIND AGAIN

I knew those horse tranquilizers were a bad idea last night.... Seriously, what the hell just happened here?

By the way, we LOVE Lou's explanation of the different sections of the newspaper. Tell us how you really feel, Big Lou.

What originally seemed like a really bad idea, Lou's Pep Talk is now the highlight of our Saturdays.

Maybe Les Miles has some competition after all for the Michigan job...

LEEEROOOOOOYYY JEEEENNNNKIINNSS!!!!!

We don't ask much of our readers.

Just stroke our enormous ego every once in awhile, click on our Google Ads (uh, can we say that???) and keep us filled in on people making asses of themselves. Well where were you on this one, dipshit?

Apparently 3 years after it was made, we have finally come across the infamous Leeroy Jenkins video. We've played it over and over about as many times as me cracking my head open on the futon:


(Note: Just go to 1:25 if you don't know what is going on. Also, we feel like we recognize one of these voices. The Dude, is that you?)

The lead nerd doesn't get nearly enough credit for his role. "What do you think, Abdul? Can you give me a number-crunch real quick?" And who will ever forget, "Why do you do this shit, Leeroy?!"

(Update: Remix! For those that have gotten their fill of Leeroy, this video should take up another 3 hours of your life)

SO GANGSTER

Oh, you've got 3 cuts in your eyebrow tryin' to wild out?

Oh, you're blazed out shedding tattoo tears?

Your day is done and you need to step your game up. You thought that was tough? You thought people would respect you for that shit? You were wrong, dunny. There's a new day and Stephen Jackson will show you how to do this son.

Look closely.

That's right. It's two hands in prayer holding a Glock. Or a 9mm. Or a Desert Eagle.

Now, we're not sure if SJax did this in memory of licking shots outside of the strip club. Or if he just likes his priests to pack some heat.

Regardless, we do know what a move like this gets you. It gets you the captaincy of the Golden State Warriors!!!

Frankly, we're speechless. We're heading to the best plastic surgeon in NYC right now to remove the Thug Life tats from our chests and getting this shit inked on. Holla.

HONORARY MICHIGAN MAN

Some people might say that in order to be a Michigan Man, you need to have some affiliation with the University of Michigan. Wrong. The Realests flip conventions on their heads.

We've decided that Joe Paterno is a true Michigan Man. That's right. The head coach of one of our main rivals is truly a Michigan Man, in the mold of Bo.

What brought this on? Well, there's tons of reasons. He left a game in the middle to go use the bathroom. He was a dancing fool at a Penn State pep rally. He has gangster glasses. He sounds funny when he talks.

But most importantly, he doesn't want a bullshit forfeit just in order to get a win. While the Big 10 is trying to strip Michigan of its win against Penn State because we cleared an ineligible player to play, Joe Pa said "fuck that shit."

It's nice to see a coach not be a cooter (we're looking right at you Urban Meyer - we'll never forgive you for your bitching last year - and for your weak time out during the Auburn game).

So congratulations Joe Pa. You're a Michigan Man.

Editors' Note: While we applaud Joe Pa for his hardline stance, we'd rip Lloyd for doing the same thing because we need all the wins we can get. Go Blue! Champions of the West!

APOLOGY 101

We try not to listen to the radio very much. It's mind numbing. One of the drawbacks of that is that we miss out on some pretty good jams. I've been back in the D recently and I've been driving around a lot listening to the radio because I wanted to catch up on things.

First let me say that I hate disc jockeys. I think they're the lowest common denominator. For example, on a local Detroit station, they have a segment called "Confessions" where the DJ asks women to call in and give up some scandalous confessions. Well, on this night, a girl called in and said that her confession was that she was at a club a while back and ended up having sex with a Girls Gone Wild camera man on the Girls Gone Wild bus. And, wait for it...she got pregnant.

I almost crashed my car when I heard that because she was laughing her ass off and the DJ was calling her a "hero."

Luckily, right after that the DJ put on the Akon song where he apologizes for dry humping the shit out of a 15 year old on stage in Trinidad. Here are the lyrics to the song:

I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
And for the embarrassment that she felt
She's just a little young girl trying to have fun
But daddy should of never let her out that young

I'm sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underage
In a 21 and older club they say

Why doesn't anybody want to take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I'm just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I'll take that blame

Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
I'll take that blame from you

Now, call me crazy, but maybe Akon should have thought about blaming himself for this one:



And here's what the lyrics should have been:

Sorry I dry humped the shit out of you
You were only 15, should have been in school
Didn't know that you had a preacher for a dad
Man, I'm really sorry for hitting it from the back

You told me that you name was Kiki
Good thing we didn't get into the bukkake
This whole thing has been a pain in the ass
Why couldn't you have just gone to class

The blame's on me
The blame's on me
The blame's on me
Because I dry-humped you on stage and you were only 15

Oh, and here's Akon ragdolling Tara Reid on-stage. This girls has fallen off since Van Wilder:


(Note: Seriously dude, what's with the dry humping fetish? This guy's like everyone's worst nightmare at the dog run. Let's just chop the man's balls off and get it over with already.)

FAVORITE BLOGGERS' FAVORITE BLOGGER

Big Baby.

This kid is on fire. He's going on my personal blogroll. Right at the top.

First he brought us the gem about being forced to eat a plate full of octopus. Now he tells us that he got hit by a car in Italy, but that it wasn't a big deal because he's bigger than the car. And here's the genius part. He's actually bigger than the car!!! Stop feeding this man octopus! Build bigger cars! I hope Big Baby stays in the league for a long time - we need more people like him in the "Interwebs." That was for all of you idiots that like using that fucking inane term.

Unlike you, Big Baby is a genius. You neanderthals could all learn a lot from him.

A WIN FOR WO/MANKIND!!

Yesterday was a historic day. Anucha Browne Sanders won her lawsuit against Isaiah Thomas and MSG and the jury awarded her $11.6 million in damages. That's a lot of money. A lot of money. As an individual person, that might almost be too much money. I mean what do you do with it?

Well, here's the good news. Anucha Browne Sanders said that she didn't win the money for herself. She said that she won it for every single working woman in the United States and every working man that doesn't call his female employees "bitches" and "hos." That's a lot of people. The Bureau of Labor Statistics puts the total current work force at 152.9 million people. Let's say that of those people, 5% have called a female employee a bitch or a ho. That's about 30 million people. So, Anucha Brown Sanders won her $11.6 million for the 120 million people out there that are generally good people. That means that every non-sexist worker in the United states should be receiving a check for $.10 from Browne Sanders soon.

I demand my money now!!