GILLISPIE STRIKES AGAIN: UK INKS FETUS

Move your fat ass over Big Baby, here comes The Fetus.

Less than two weeks after news broke that an 8th grader signed with Kentucky, the Wildcats have inked the fetus of a Lexington woman coach Billy Gillispie spotted while working the middle school circuit.

The 6-2, 320-pound woman who declined to be named said Gillispie approached her at halftime and said: "Ma'am, I want your bump on my block."

Said the woman: "There he was hitting on them middle school girls and the next thing I know, he's offering my baby a scholarship to UK!"

But there was a problem. Wanting the sex of her child to be a surprise, the woman recently declined learning this information at her latest sonogram.

But a talk with Billy Clyde changed her mind.

Said Gillispie: "Ma'am, with all due respect, you might have the next Dan Issle in there. And that rat bastard Bruce Pearl will be right behind me. The Bluegrass State is countin' on you, honey."

The two rushed to the University hospital, where it was confirmed to be a boy.

"As soon as I saw that penis, the scholarship was on the table."

Continued Gillispie, holding up the sonogram: "The body of Dan Issle and the head of Sam Cassell: It's the best of both worlds! I just hope I'm here to see him play."

UK issued a press release stating the scholarship offer came with a live foal guarantee, although the NCAA has said the unprecedented provision is under investigation.