REALESTS' TRIBUTE TO SPORT STACHES

If you haven't already heard, former Mets first baseman and current SNY announcer Keith Hernandez was named the "Top Sports Mustache of All Time" by the American Mustache Institute (or "AMI", as the cool kids are calling it).

The results were as follows:

1. Keith Hernandez - 31.7%
2. Rollie Fingers - 23.9%
3. Al Hrabosky - 12.3%
4. Lanny McDonald - 10.2%
5. Dale Earnhardt - 6.8%
6. Hulk Hogan - 6.1%

Personally, we think Fingers got screwed simply because Hernandez is basically a parody of himself now. And poor Lanny McDonald - the guy basically has a harmonica over his mouth and still ends up in fourth place.

We also would like to add some serious omissions with a list of The Realests' Honorable Mention:

Jake Plummer - Now retired, pondering a future in the porno industry.
Gary McCord - Just the flat-out dirt bag look. Always in style.
Jeff Hostetler - Who can forget about The Hoss?
Bill Cowher - Better known for The Chin, but the stache ain't too shabby.
Ozzie Smith - Straight old school.
Vikings logo - When was the last time you saw a fu manchu like that?
Bob Wickman - Hey B Dubb, is that a vagina on your face?
Randy Johnson - Don't hate him cuz he's beautiful, people...

THE DAY WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

We are proud to bring you the trailer for Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 13-22 which is out on August 21st. You read that right: 10 more chapters of creative genius all at once.

Somewhere, Braylon Edwards is breaking down in tears. So is Gary Sheffield.

Hey Kels, what ever happened to those sex charges?

A WARNING SHOT

We've gotten too big for our britches, bitches.

In the next couple of days we'll be compiling our 1st Annual List of People That We Are Better Than.

No one is safe.

Protect ya neck.

ATTENTION DICKRIDERS

We really lit a fire under the ass of our readers of late, especially Florida State fans. Well for all you haters out there, we have an announcement to make:

Our blog is worth 27 grand.

That's right. We said it: $27,000.

How did this site come up with that number? Who the hell cares?

We're rich bitch!!!!

On a side note: To the guy who asked us to name a Florida State player that has been arrested this century, we present these archived stories on Ernie Sims and A.J. Nicholson - two of Tallahasee's finest. Oh yeah, and we almost forgot the Lorenzo Booker incident - at least they decided to keep it "in house" that time!

P.S. If you'd like to get ahold of The Realests tonight to congratulate us, we'll be at the 40/40 Club. Ask for the guys Making It Rain in the VIP lounge.


Eat it Bowden!


Suck on that Sterger!

NOT REAL: AIR CONDITIONERS

Specifically, my air conditioner. At some point during arguably the hottest and most humid (that would be humidest for all you English majors out there) night of the summer, my air conditioner decided to call it quits and abdicate its sworn duty of cooling air. As a result, I woke up this morning (and several times during the night), with Patrick Ewing-like sweat and skin stickier than Lucky Lucy after Friday Night Bukkake.

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to chronicle all of the thoughts flowing through my head:

1. Anyone that thinks calling UF's sports teams the "Gaytors" is clever should check to see if their mom and sister are the same person.
2. Barry Bonds forgot to thank Balco.
3. Jim recently ruined a major part of Season 4 of Lost by reading an entertainment magazine. This is serious and it is only going to get worse. As a result, Jim and I have decided to enter into complete communication silence in the months leading up to the season premiere of Lost in January. We will be hiring 2 interns to screen every form of communication (talking, writing, email, dogs barking, etc.) that could reveal the secrets of the island. It'll be a tough but enjoyable job. We're hoping Jessica Alba applies.
   
4. Want to know what the Lost Spoiler was? Sawyer is an Other. Suck on that.
5. Bad news for Johnny Cakes.
   
6. If one more person calls Weezy F. the greatest rapper alive, we're going to give up on rap music. Actually, that's not true - let me revise. If one more magazine calls Weezyana the greatest rapper alive, WE will then call him the greatest rapper alive and claim that we did it before everyone else. That sounds about right.
7. We've put ads on the blog. Now, we're taking the next step and auctioning off the blog in its entirety. Bidding starts at $400,000 OR 400 ham and cheese omelettes (egg whites only) OR 400 turkey burgers with fried eggs on top.
8. Jim and I are shooting our version of this picture.
   

APOCALYPSE NOW

Kanye v. 50 Cent is shaping up to be a monster day for the record industry. Both rappers are planning on releasing their albums on September 11th and letting the chips fall where they may. There's been a lot of trash talk already between both sides - 50 said that Jay-Z wouldn't be stupid enough to let Kanye's sales get merked by 50 and Kanye said that he ain't never scurred.

In an effort to make this whole thing a little more absurd, 50 Cent has accepted an invitation to debate Kanye on BET.

We're not sure exactly what the debate is going to be about. If it is about who is going to sell more albums, this could be the most boring debate in history. Let's just say that great orators like Lincoln, Douglass, Kennedy, and King shouldn't be worried that one of these two idiots will steal their shine.

Either way, we're in favor of suspending the 1st Amendment on the day of the debate so that it can't occur.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

We've got to tip our cap to former Florida Law School student Jason Paul Rojas, an attorney that was just suspended from the Florida Bar for 60 days for housing Florida State's 1993 & 1999 Waterford Crystal trophies from winning the national title those years.

Rojas, 30, stored one of the trophies in a white plastic garbage bag at home and the other was kept in a storage facility. OK, so the guy wasn't exactly a mastermind.

But let's just call it poetic justice that any team led by Peter Warrick would get its trophy jacked. We're also sorry to the see the justice system has failed in this case with a cruel and unusual punishment - how's dude supposed to get a job after getting suspended over a frat prank?

Wouldn't it have been enough to make this guy defend all the FSU players that get arrested over the next year?

FINALLY, A DUKE WE LIKE

It's a slow news day (a slow news month, actually), so we're going to take this opportunity to get on top of our soap box and demand an NBA franchise hire Rucker Park's Duke Tango as its next PA announcer. This is the sort of thing that can't wait until we get rich and buy the Atlanta Hawks.

Don't recognize the name? That's because you probably know him as the guy that just keeps screaming "OH BABY!!! OHHHHHHH BAH-BY!!!!!!!" at the Rucker.

And yet the best Tango can do is end up on the AND1 Mixtape Tour. It's unreal that Mason of the Detroit Pistons can come the most famous PA announcer in sports simply from thinking of "De-troit Bas-ket-ball!" while Tango still can't find an NBA gig despite being the Steve Nash of dishing out nicknames.

True, the constant screaming would drive away elderly fans and piss off veteran players. But it's a risk we're willing to take. And after the Tim Donaghy scandal, it should be one the NBA is worth taking as well.

Personally, we think Tango would be perfect for the Brooklyn Nets when they finally end up moving out of East Rutherford.

Jigga - are you listening?

Until then, we'll just have to continue enjoying playing this clip on a loop:

TRAVIS HENRY: NOT YOUR AVERAGE BACK

Following up on the J Leman mullet comes a story in the Denver Post about another huge hick: Travis Henry.

Frostproof is Travis Henry's Tampa-area hometown, with a population of 2,954 — and shrinking. And Henry is related to just about every one of its citizens, on his mom's side.

"My great-grandmamma had 11 or 12 kids," Henry said. "From those 12 kids, they each had 10-plus. So, I have way more than 100 cousins. Everybody in Frostproof is kin. It's a small town and just about everybody calls each other 'cuz.' "

You don't find many people bragging about that outside the state of West Virginia.


Stop the in-breeding!

THE ESSENCE OF BEAUTY

Yes, we are quoting Zoolander again. But we have good reason. Brian at MGoBlog dug up this picture of Illinois linebacker J "Don't call me Jay" Leman. What do you expect from a kid with a dad named "Happy"?

You wanna talk about business in the front, party in the back! That right there is on the level of Randy Johnson, Barry Melrose and John Kruk in their prime.

OSU fans must be kicking themselves for letting him get away to a Big 10 foe.

HAS CNN GONE MAD?

It was only a matter of time until someone made a funny spoof of Obama Girl. But CNN - who knew?

REALESTS' TAKE ON GARNETT DEAL

We know you're already getting beaten over the head with columnists everywhere weighing in on the KG trade but as fans of Eastern Conference powers (Cleveland & Detroit), we feel we have something to add to this discussion.

That's right: The Realests are calling foul.

Is anyone noticing that Kevin McHale is like that guy in your fantasy league that has completely given up and decides to dick everyone else over by accepting the ridiculous "a bunch of shitty players for one sweet player trade" that both sides swear is a legit deal, when they are really colluding?

Take a second to marinate on that.

What's next, the despicable "emptying the roster by putting everyone left on waivers" finale? At least that way the Cavs and Pistons would have a fair shot at landing Ricky Davis.

O.J. WON'T GO AWAY

Like Obama Girl, this video needs no explanation or extra commentary, but we will add this: you've gotta be pretty fuckin' sick to ask these questions.

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: MICHIGAN

It's finally here: Big Ten Media Day. Somewhere inside Chicago's Hyatt Regency hundreds of reporters are wiping the dust of their recorders to hear Lloyd Carr babble about Teddy Roosevelt. It's finally time to break down Big Blue.

2006 Record: 11-2 (7-1 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 1st
Returning Starters: 12
Head Coach: Lloyd Carr
Best Player: RB Mike Hart

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- We had a special offense in 2000 - this is even better
- This senior class has to beat Ohio State once - don't they????
- Forget the Heisman, no one is more valuable to his team than Mike Hart
- NO ONE can stop Mario Manningham except our band
- 'D' lacks experience, but certainly not talent (i.e. Graham, Crable, Warren)

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Is the new and improved Lloyd Carr still taking his viagra?
- Entering Big Ten play undefeated again seems too good to be true
- Losing Alan Branch felt like getting kicked in the balls
- Law, Woodson, Jackson, Hall... Sears & Trent? Corners are a disaster
- Is Bryan Wright the next Garrett Rivas or the next Phil Brabbs?

Realety:
Michigan's offense will absolutely tear through teams just like Henson, A-Train & Terrell did in 2000. Defense is the huge question mark after losing Branch, Woodley, Hall and the always-underappreciated David Harris. The run 'D' won't be tops in the nation like last year, but with likes of Brandon Graham and Shawn Crable up front, it should suffice. Wolverine fans are already having nightmares about the secondary, with Johnny Sears and Morgan Trent getting burnt to a crisp in our dreams. Needless to say, stud frosh Donovan Warren will have to be the next Marlin Jackson if the secondary is going to have any hope. With just one glaring weakness, we're going balls out and predicting Big Blue will face USC in New Orleans, even though the Michigan fan in us keeps saying we'll find a way to blow it somehow. We hope we're wrong.


Is 2-5 against Tressel too much to ask???

MIKE COMRIE DATING HILARY DUFF?

Normally we're all about former Michigan athletes dating celebrities (i.e. Tom Brady). But Mike Comrie and Hilary Duff? This just in: she looks like a horse!

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: WISCONSIN

This is it. The unofficial start of college football season - Big 10 Media Day - is tomorrow. Next up: Wisconsin (did you really think we'd pick them over Michigan to win the Big 10?).

2006 Record: 12-1 (7-1 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 2nd
Returning Starters: 18
Head Coach: Bret Bielema
Best Player: CB Jack Ikegwuonu

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- 2nd best scoring defense in nation (12.1 PPG) returns 7 starters
- Barry who? "Bulimia" looks like the next Vince Lombardi right now
- He's getting no pub, but P.J. Hill's a Heisman darkhorse
- A former DE, tight end Travis Beckum is a complete freakshow
- The Citadel? Wisco's nonconference schedule is again a disgrace

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Hard to improve minus 3-year starter at QB and future Hall of Fame LT
- Rumors out of Madison Ikegwuonu spent entire summer playing Halo
- Last (119th) in kickoff returns - someone get Jim Boccher on the phone...
- @ Ohio State, vs. Michigan in back-to-back weeks (woo-hoo!)
- Both safeties are gone, leaving a pair of sophomores in the secondary

Realety:
The season hasn't even started and we're already tired of the media dangling from the Badgers' nuts. The surprise of the 2006 Big 10 season, they've got all the tools to be playing in New Orleans next January. Fifth-year senior QB looked great in starts against Buffalo and Iowa last year, but let's see how this guy holds up in at The Horseshoe with Vernon Gholston breathing down his neck. As we know, the Rose Bowl is never a bad consolation prize.


Right behind "The Claw" and "Script Ohio" as Best Tradition in the Big 10...

MICHIGAN LANDS NEXT NEIL ARMSTRONG

These highlights of new Michigan recruit Sam McGuffie are pretty sweet, but comparing him to Neil Armstrong? That might be a bit much. I'd settle for the next B.J. Askew.

Now we can turn our full attention to Cody Paul (By the way, are white running backs the new black running backs?).


Sam?

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: OHIO ST.

Eight teams down, three to go with Big Ten Media Day just 48 hours away. As much as it pains us to do this, it's time to break down Jim Tressel and the Ohio State Buckeyes.

2006 Record: 12-1 (8-0 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 3rd
Returning Starters: 11
Head Coach: Jim Tressel
Best Player: LB James Laurinaitis

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- As ESPN noted, Ohio St. is the 2nd best program in the country
- Laurinaitis already won the Nagurski Award - Man, we hate that guy...
- If he stops fumbling, Chris "Beanie" Wells will put up MONSTER numbers
- As always, Tressel is guaranteed to pull at least 2 wins out of his ass
- Considered a weakness at the start, OSU finished 5th in scoring defense

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Unless extension is reached, Tressel's deal with devil set to expire soon
- Take a sneak peak at QB Todd Boeckman (skip to 1:10 mark) - Yikes...
- 'D' looked like a huge fraud by allowing 80 points in final two games
- Huge drop off at WR from Ginn & Gonzalez to Robiskie & Small
- Play @ Penn St., vs. Wisconsin and @ Michigan in the span of 4 weeks

Realety:
The Buckeyes won't be very good to start the year but it won't matter with this kind of schedule (don't even get us started about the Buckeyes starting the season with Tressel's old school, D-IAA Youngstown St.). OSU should start 8-0 again, as Columbus will be going nuts about another BCS title game appearance. But finishing with PSU, Wisco, Illinois and Big Blue, expect the Bucks to split their last four games. If, however, Tressel survives the final month of the season undefeated and beats Michigan for the sixth time in seven tries, there's going to be a mass suicide watch in Ann Arbor on November 17th.


Oh, I'm gonna puke...

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: PENN ST.

Big Ten Media Day is just three days away and there are still four teams left to break down. After a sluggish start, Penn St. finished 2006 strong and people are talking Rose Bowl.

2006 Record: 9-4 (5-3 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 4th
Returning Starters: 14
Head Coach: Joe Paterno
Best Player: LB Dan Connor

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- With CB Justin King and S Anthony Scirrotto, the secondary is loaded
- Williams, Butler & Norwood are the best receiving corps in the conference
- JoPa's left leg has healed nicely and is now only broken in 13 places
- 'Linebacker U' has another Butkus Award favorite in Dan Connor
- Allowed just 14.4 PPG last year, 9th best in the country

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Only other team that hasn't beaten Michigan in over a decade: Indiana
- Like D. Jones, Scirrotto's only action might be in the prison shower
- 7th ranked rushing defense in nation loses three starters on D-Line
- Players conserving energy at home games to clean up Beaver Stadium
- Paterno still unable to grasp why there is an "11" in the Big 10 logo

Realety:
Once again the question in State College is, "How long will the Penn St. defense have to carry the offense?" With Levi Brown and Tony Hunt gone, the pressure is on former blue chip recruits Anthony Morelli and Austin Scott to finally step up. And for a guy that was supposed to be ready for the NFL straight out of high school, Derrick Williams could also improve on 40 catches for 440 yards. As far as the kicking game: Kevin Kelly's great as long as he gets three attempts to win the game.


Don't worry: I'm sure this won't haunt you for the rest of your life...

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: PURDUE

With Big Ten Media Day scheduled for Tuesday, we are holing ourselves up in our apartment until we finish these team-by-team breakdowns. Up next: the "Jekyll and Hyde" Purdue Boilermakers.

2006 Record: 8-6 (5-3 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 5th
Returning Starters: 20
Head Coach: Joe Tiller
Best Player: WR Dorien Bryant

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- That's not a misprint: the Boilers return a ridiculous 20 starters
- Finished 2006 ranked 13th in total offense
- QB Curtis Painter threw for almost 4,000 yards as a sophomore
- Bryant could be the best WR in school history, which means nothing
- Tiller promised to cut back on the Quaker Oats commercials

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Party's over after two years of not having to play OSU or Michigan
- Like Texas Tech, can't score against real teams (See 12-0 loss to PSU)
- Defense comparable to a wet paper bag, ranking 114th in total defense
- Could be even worse after losing monster DE Anthony Spencer
- A trained mule could do better than K Chris Summers (8-20 FG in '06)

Realety:
Like always, Purdue will clean up against a soft nonconference schedule and weaker Big 10 foes, then land in a mid-tier bowl after laying eggs when they face Big 10 powers


The giant drum is always quiet when it visits The Big House...

MATT MILLEN IS CERTIFIABLY INSANE

Just when you thought Matt Millen couldn't get any dumber after recent news he will be spending $28 million on wide receivers with 16 of them on the payroll, The Atlanta Journal Constitution is reporting the Detroit Lions have signed former Georgia Tech QB Reggie Ball to a one-year deal to - you guessed it - play wide receiver.

Yeah, yeah - we know Ball is just training camp fodder. But shouldn't Millen be spending his time finding players that can actually fill one of the many holes on this team?

Our guess is Millen is just trying to ease the transition for Calvin Johnson into the NFL. But seeing as Ball was the only guy that could stop Johnson last year, we think it'd hurt if anything.

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: IOWA

The Big 10 team-by-team breakdown has finally surpassed programs that belong in Conference USA. Up next: an Iowa team looking to rebound from a massive meltdown after starting the season 5-1.

2006 Record: 6-7 (2-6 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 6th
Returning Starters: 14
Head Coach: Kirk Ferentz
Best Player: RB Albert Young

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- You wouldn't know it from '06, but Ferentz is an NFL-caliber coach
- The defense returns almost the entire front seven
- No Michigan or Ohio State? Why don't you just give 'em the trophy...
- Albert Young is a poor man's Mike Hart
- WR Dominique Douglas is a stud and led freshmen in receptions last year

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Hawks lost 6 of their last 7 games, with only win against Northern Illinois
- Turnover margin (-11) ranked 111th in country last year
- As always, just too many white dudes to take this program seriously
- Both safeties are gone from a secondary that wasn't any good to start with
- Normally dominant, the O-Line is a big question mark this season

Realety:
Drew Tate is gone and highly touted Jake Christensen is in (note: has there ever been a more overhyped Big 10 player than Tate?) Aside from Young, Christensen and the rest of the offense is just too young for Iowa to return to the conference elite in '07.


If we have to hear about Iowa's "controversial" pink locker room one more time, we're going to smash a lampshade over our head...

BIG BLUE WEDDING PHOTO ALBUMS

Love is in the air for several former Michigan football players, as Leon Hall and Ron Bellamy have both been married in recent weeks. Here are a couple pictures that belong in the scrapbook of any Michigan Man:

Leon Hall's Wedding: Just as you'd expect from Leon, the affair was strictly class. We're no experts, but The Realests foresees these two going the distance. It's a damn shame they have to live in that shithole known as Cincinnati.







Ron Bellamy's Wedding: Ain't nothin' but a gangsta party! It's nice to see two-thirds of the Killer B's reunited (did Calvin Bell not get the invite?), but it's hard to take these Michigan receivers seriously when they are trying to look so hard. Seriously, who flicks off the camera and flashes hand signs at a wedding? Either way, congrats Ron!

D'OH! MISTER SIMPSON RULED INELIGIBLE

Devastating news from the Nati today: former Michigan tailback and fan favorite Mister Simpson has been ruled academically ineligible for the 2007 season at Cincinnati.

Frankly, we didn't even realize Simpson had left Michigan until we stumbled across this story, so it's a double whammy for The Realests.

UC coach Brian Kelly said that although Simpson is partially to blame, it didn't help that only a few of his credits transferred from Big Blue. This is just blasphemy. If anything, Michigan credits should count double when transferring to a school like Cincinnati.

We hope you're happy Myles Brand. Once again you've found a way to pimp out a kid, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way just to make a name for yourself.

It's just a travesty Mister Simpson has to walk by the UC bookstore and doesn't have the money to purchase one of his jerseys flying off the shelves.

On a much more positive note, former OSU quarterback Steve Bellisari is the new linebackers coach at Ohio Dominican, proving once again that a degree from Ohio State means dick.

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: NORTHWESTERN

It's a race against time with Big Ten Media Day speeding toward us. We're almost halfway home! The Big 10 team-by-team breakdown takes a quick stop in Evanston to check on the Purple People Eaters at Northwestern.

2006 Record: 4-8 (2-6 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 7th
Returning Starters: 15
Head Coach: Pat Fitzgerald
Best Player: RB Tyrell Sutton

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- Football season also means women's soccer season!
- Sutton is on pace to become the leading rusher in NU history
- Won 2 of their last 3 and played Michigan "close"
- Don't have to play Wisconsin or Penn St. - how convenient
- If worst comes to worst, we hear Gary Barnett is interested...

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- The 'Cats averaged 16.5 PPG in 2006, ranking them below Buffalo
- Blew a 35 point lead to John L. Smith!
- And lost to I-AA New Hampshire by 17 at home
- Pat Fitzgerald is in way, way over his head
- Start the Big 10 season with OSU and Michigan - pass the Astroglide...

Realety:
Folks in Evanston are talking bowl game (if only because making a bowl game means nothing and their schedule is pathetic)!


Hmmm, wonder if this will be in next year's Media Guide...

TIM DONAGHY MAILBAG

We don't normally do this, but we're going to empty our mailbag on Tim Donaghy, that includes some harsh words for the scandalous ex-referee (except for the individual that wanted to "rub one out" under his desk thinking of Donaghy - Dick Bavetta, is that you?)

Needless to say, none of these stories can be verified and are just hearsay. But if even half of these comments are accurate, Donaghy is even more messed up than we thought:

"I was a member at Radley Run, a neighbor and friend of Tim's. He's f***ing nuts. He was suspended and kicked out of the club for the incidents mentioned in the article. When the story broke, i knew it had to be him."
- Anonymous

"If you grew up with Tim and knew him well this comes as no surprise. He was the neighborhood bully and trouble maker. In truth, he was a born sociopath. His parents and brothers were all great people and could not have been nicer. My heart goes out to them and I only hope that no one lays blame at their feet." - Anonymous

"Timmy Donaghy has always been crazy. How he got into the NBA in the first place is the issue. Here's his resume. Caught having someone take his SATS, stalked and threatened to kill a member at Llanerch Country Club for four months while he was caddying there in 1994 and go into NBA right after, moved to Goshen got into dispute with neighbors and hit golf balls into their siding, had physical altercation with mail man, moved to Radley Run had numerous altercations with members and his neighbors and was forced to move due to litigation. Having grown up with him he is nuts. It is a shame no one got him help before he disgraced himself and his family. His parents, brothers, wife and daughters are the real victims in the end. When the whole story comes up it is going to be black eye in the Phila/Delco area." - Anonymous

"I knew Tim and Kim when they lived in West Chester. She is just as nuts as he is. I wonder if she still has to ask permission to take the girls to McDonalds....they are the real victims. Poetic justice for Tim and Kim. They got what they deserve." - Anonymous

"Yeah, we knew Tim Donaghy. Sometimes we'd see him out at the club, where he'd be snorting coke off strippers' asses. The guy was always at the OTB down the street talking about this great handicapper named Chris at Los Alamitos. And then there was the time he was so bombed he offered to suck our dicks for $5. Yeah, you could say we saw this coming. And don't forget about his two little boys, Ray-Ray and Tito, who are the real victims here." - The Realests

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: MINNESOTA

With Big Ten Media Day just days away, the Big 10 team-by-team breakdown is picking up steam. Up next: The Glen Mason-less Minnesota Golden Gophers.

2006 Record: 6-7 (3-5 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 8th
Returning Starters: 17
Head Coach: Tim Brewster
Best Player: RB Amir Pinnix

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- School finally realized players can't respect a coach that fake bakes
- Schedule includes BGSU, Miami (OH), at FAU, North Dakota St.
- Pinnix is the best back in the Big Ten (besides Mike Hart, of course)
- LBJ drought is at one year, which should buy Brewster a decade or so
- According to this web cam, TCF Bank Stadium is really comin' along!

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Coming off the biggest bowl collapse in college football history
- Punter Justin Kucek not exactly clutch
- Ranked 117th in pass defense, and that's before they found out...
- ... Their star CB is going to spend the season getting railed in jail
- New coach about as qualified for a Big 10 job as Punky Brewster

Realety:

Don't cha know?! The season hasn't even started and Brewster already has a migraine after dismissing four players due to absolutely disgusting sexual assault charges (see above)

Poor bastard...

GROUPIE LOVE

Frankly, we're speechless.

HATERS IN THE HOUSE?

As fellow Michigan alums, we've resisted the opportunity to put the Sklar brothers on blast many, many times.

And we realize that ESPN's "Who's Now?" segment is a pinata for the blogosphere right now.

But we aren't just going to sit idly by while they dick ride our discontinued series, "Who's Not?" In a segment on yesterday's SportsCenter entitled "The Bracket", they unveiled the biggest losers (i.e. Steve Bartman) in NCAA Tournament-style fashion.

As The Dude pointed out, "Not quite the same as "Who's Not," but it sounds pretty dubious to me."

Sklar brothers be warned: Fool us once, shame on you... Fool us twice... well, you can't fool us again.

So we'll let this slide for now by simply pointing out their suspicious resemblance to the "before "photo of the Brad Pitt wanna-be twins from MTV's "I Want a Famous Face". And if there's another incident like this? We're coming at the Sklars with double bosacks.

P.S. What's with this?

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: MICHIGAN ST.

2006 Record: 4-8 (1-7)
Projected 2007 Finish: 9th
Returning Starters: 13
Head Coach: Mark Dantonio
Best Player: RB Javon Ringer

5 Reasons for Optimism:
- Somehow, Notre Dame might be even worse
- Everyone's expecting a breakout season from our boy, Kyle Sackrider
- The Spartans have changed their uniforms AGAIN...
- ... With names on the back so it's easier to identify who messed up
- Players are really fired up over the "Beat Michigan" clock (see picture)!

5 Reasons for Pessimism:
- Reaction to looking over the MSU roster: "Who are these fuckin' guys?"
- No John L. Smith for comic relief (Exhibit A and Exhibit B)
- Players have tuned out coaches since halftime of the Notre Dame game
- Sparty is a homo
- New coaches, but the team is still dumb as a box of rocks

Realety:Nothing says desperation like hiring the Cincinnati football coach - good luck taking over the 100th ranked scoring defense in the nation...

TIM DONAGHY: AMERICAN PSYCHO

Somewhere Rasheed Wallace is smiling.

After being villainized in 2003 for nearly pummeling Tim Donaghy after a controversial call (Sheed was suspended 7 games at the time), vultures are swirling around Donaghy for fixing games.

As the thorough investigative reporters we are, we decided to check into the guy's background to see if there was any suspicious activity that David Stern should have picked up on. That's when we stumbled across this January 2005 story in the Philadelphia Inquirer about a lawsuit alleging he harassed his neighbors (Note: there was never a follow-up article to this and we therefore don't know the outcome of this case).

Here are some excerpts:

"In the summer of 2003, the suit said, Donaghy initiated "a pattern of public harassment" that included yelling obscenities at the Mansuetos, following Lisa Mansueto around Radley Run golf course on his golf cart, setting fire to the Mansuetos' tractor, and crashing the Mansuetos' golf cart into a ravine."

"The suit also states that Donaghy was charged by West Goshen Township Police with disorderly conduct and harassment in June 2000. Court records show that Donaghy had a verbal altercation with his mail carrier; however, the charges were dismissed when the carrier did not show up for a hearing."

"Similar charges were lodged against Donaghy in 1995, the suit said. At the time, Donaghy was living in Havertown. Sgt. Michael Glenn, Haverford Township police spokesman, said no record exists of such charges there."

Crashing golf carts in ravines? Setting tractors on fire? Maybe someone should have picked up on this guy being a psycho. We're looking at you here, David Stern...


This time, the heat's on you...

BIG TEN PREVIEW INTERLUDE

With Michigan State on deck for our 2007 Big Ten Preview, we realized that one post is simply not enough to make fun of Spartie.

Cue Bucky the Badger:



Ah, yes. That should do the trick...

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: INDIANA

With Big Ten Media Day just over a week away, we decided it’s time to start breaking the conference down team-by-team. Up next: Indiana.

2006 Record: 5-7 (3-5 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 10th
Returning Starters: 17
Head Coach: (See below)
Best Player: WR James Hardy

5 Reasons for Optimism
- Eric Gordon could be Freshman of the Year... too bad he plays basketball
- WR James Hardy caught 10 TD passes last year
- Their hardest nonconference game is Western Michigan
- Stud kicker in Austin Starr, who will never see the light of day
- (Thinking....) OK, we're done here

5 Reasons for Pessimism
- Does anyone know the name of the IU interim coach? Anyone at all?
- Hardy spent the offseason beating up his girlfriend
- They haven't played in a bowl game since 1993...
- ... That means not even Antwaan Randle-El could save these losers
- Ranked 109th in total defense last year (out of 119)

Realety
You gotta cheer for the Hoosiers after the tragic death of Terry Hoeppner, one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. They could even theoretically start 4-0 until they start playing real football teams and take it up the tailpipe.


That's something you don't see every day...

GO ON WITH THE BOROPHYLL!!!

Sometimes you have to just stop, look around and say: What the fuck is going on?

That's how we feel about the NBA right now after the following has transpired in the last couple days:

- Starbury's ready to "pull a Beckham" and play in Italy - considering no one's ever heard of him over there, I'd say it's more like pulling a Drew Henson

- LeBron's dunking babies (another example of his comedic genius we must say)

- Darko is calling out people for being soft

- Manute Bol has found a home in Kansas City of all places

- Some fat dude, pictured, claims he is Ron Artest's brother at the NBA Summer League - looks more like Anthony Anderson's brother to us (insert Reggie Theus Hang Time joke here)...

Who said the NBA offseason is too long???

2007 BIG TEN PREVIEW: ILLINOIS

With Big Ten Media Day just over a week away, we decided it’s time to start breaking the conference down team-by-team. Starting in reverse order of projected finish, we lead off with who else? Illinois.

2006 Record: 2-10 (1-7 Big Ten)
Projected 2007 Finish: 11th
Returning Starters: 19
Head Coach: Ron Zook
Best Player: LB J Leman

5 Reasons for Optimism
- Two words: Arrelious Benn
- Rashard Mendenhall is supposed to be a star in the making
- The domain name fireronzook is still owned by Florida fans for now
- 8 wins in the last 4 years – it can’t get worse
- Ummmm…. we’re all out

5 Reasons for Pessimism
- Z Money called the school "Illinoise" in his introductory press conference
- How long until Benn's dorm is found full of Zook's coked-out hookers?
- Juice Williams completed 40% of his passes last year and only got worse
- In what could determine last place, they play at Indiana - tough draw...
- No Chief Illiniwek to get the team fired up!

Realety
Unless Juice Williams becomes Jeff George, a long season awaits

HIDE THE CHILDREN & CHEESEBURGERS!

That's right folks. As we just learned on PTI, today is David Hasselhoff's 55th birthday. You know what that means...

NCAA 2008 LOVES BIG BLUE

We were one of those guys that bought NCAA 2008 at midnight and played all night.

The changes from last year's game aren't really worth mentioning, but from the looks of the Michigan defense, it looks like Charles Drake is now a programmer for EA Sports.

Despite returning only 4 starters' from last year's team and losing Alan Branch, Lamarr Woodley, David Harris and Leon Hall, Big Blue's defense is still an A+ overall. And check out some of the bizarre player rankings, considering that Heisman hopeful Mike Hart is rated a 95:

- Brandon Graham, DL: 99
Apparently, they are just handing out 99s these days. Putting him in the same company as Darren McFadden, Graham was one of the top 2006 recruits in the country but had just 3 tackles last year. That's quite a jump.

- Brandent Englemon, CB: 93
Wait, we're talking about the Brandent Englemon that got the Pierre Woods treament last year? That Brandent Englemon???

- Chris Graham, LB: 92
He became a force down the stretch last year, but the guy still only has 73 tackles in his first three seasons. David Harris had 103 alone last year.

- Morgan Trent, CB: 89
Did anyone at EA Sports watch the Rose Bowl???



But hey, we're not complaining. Actually, by the sound of it, maybe we are...

THIS CAN'T BE LIFE

When we heard Joakim Noah's sister is a model, our heads almost exploded.

I believe Varun's exact words were, "Yeah, and Grizzly Adams had a beard..."

How could a man resembling the Rat Monster from Scare Tactics possibly have come out the same uterus as a babe?

After seeing a picture of Yelena (below), the most disturbing part is that she's hot despite looking like her brother (we know, we cringed reading that too but it's true).

Who else has a hot sister we don't know about: Scottie Pippen? Randy Johnson? Sam Cassell? The possibilities are endless...

Editor's note: We are still in the process of finding pictures of Marco Belinelli's girlfriend, but there's a lot of misinformation out there, folks.

REALESTS OF THE WEEK

Wow.

That's all you can really say after seeing this picture of the tallest man in the world (7'9") meeting the shortest man in the world (2'4").

It's one of those ideas that is pure genius but for some reason hasn't happened before - like putting ketchup and mustard in one bottle or using a sumo wrestler as a hockey goalie.

On a side note, I have way too much time on my hands.

ESPYS THE NEW SOURCE AWARDS?

What started out as a night to recognize hip-hop, The Source Awards have just turned into a place for rappers to act a fool.

If you don't recall these incidents, check out Snoop's "The East Coast Don't Love Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg?!?!?!" rant in 1995 (below) and DJ Quik getting pummeled in 2000.

Well, this is the side of the ESPY Awards ESPN doesn't want you to see.

OK, maybe that's a little over dramatic for a brawl outside an ESPY afterparty. But we sure would love seeing Gary Sheffield pulling a Snoop on stage and Carmelo Anthony cold-cocking someone on the red carpet next year.



By the way, we love how Nate Dogg refers to Suge as "Mr. Knight". What a pussy.

A TRIBUTE TO THE WU-TANG CLAN

Why didn't we think of this? The answer: These guys are much funnier than us.

Man, we miss The Wu:

REALESTS DOUSED WITH HATERADE

It becomes clearer every day that our biggest gift is the ability to piss people off.

Somehow, our most recent Brent Petway post really rubbed people the wrong way. That became pretty clear when someone put up a post on MLive with the title "how dumb are these two clowns".

In response, another message board loser stated: "that state produces the lowest grade of people on earth. Those douches look like they are emulating John Gotti's grandkids." I don't know about you, but I don't think Varun looks that much like this guy - maybe it's just me (I have to admit, I do see a slight resemblance to myself...).

But that's not all. Check out the comments section of the Petway post:

"he made the second cut and looks like he is going to make the hawks u fags"

"The only thing real about you 2 is how extremely gay you both are. I wonder if there is any possible way you even know anything about sports."

No one comes at The Realests like that. No one. We are now in the process of tracking all four of these haters down. So far, our two primary suspects in the investigation are Realest punching bags Courtney Sims and Tommy Amaker.

We'll keep you posted.

OH, T-PIZZLE

Have we mentioned how much we hate the San Antonio Spurs?

Cue the new Tony Parker music video:

We gotta give them props for doing the song half in English and half in French. Did anyone see a problem with that?

We have a very bad feeling a Tony Parker-Sean Paul collaboration is on the horizon....

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SHAFTS DESMOND

We've always said that if the media is society's watchdog, then we're the watchdog's watchdog.

Well, what we've dug up is a new low for Sports Illustrated: Mistaking Desmond Howard for former Notre Dame receiver Tim Brown in a picture of Heisman Trophy winners that showed up for a fundraiser in June (click on the picture for a better look at this atrocity).

How do you do a Michigan Man like that after he put the Heisman pose back on the map? Shame on you, SI.

We gotta admit, we love George Rogers' enthusiasm in this picture (assuming that the guy behind Desmondo is actually George Rogers, as opposed to a guy they hauled off the street)...

Update: As an astute reader pointed out, they botched the spelling of "Rodgers" too.

NICK FAZEKAS LOVES HIS PA

Call Nick Fazekas what you want - we prefer "the next Greg Ostergag" - but the man loves his dad.

We found a real tear-jerker in yesterday's Dallas Morning News about Fazekas, whose grandfather survived a Russian concentration camp and dad overcame weighing 425 pounds (that's not a typo).

Here's an excerpt about his dad:

After he was too old to continue playing, he settled back in Denver, where he became a bus driver. When Nick was a freshman at Nevada, his father's weight ballooned to 425 pounds.

"He was unhappy with his life," Nick says. "He was eating all the time. He was one big, huge dude. We called him a walking heart attack."

Gee, you wonder what this guy says about his enemies...

IS BOB HUNT THE NEW ED MARTIN?

We hate doing this, but once again we have to call out a former Daily staff member for his possible involvement in a scandal.

Is it just a coincidence that two days after Bob starts his job at adidas, Michigan decides "Impossible is Nothing" and ditches Nike?

We think not.

Oh, well. At least now we might have a shot of getting rid of that hideous yellow piping!