COLLEGE FOOTBALL "ALL-NAME TEAM"

With the launch of NCAA Football 2007 yesterday, college football has officially begun.

Unfortunately, you never know what your players' names are. So you know what you're missing out on, we put together the 2006 College Football All-Name Team for the most coincidental, absurd and obnoxious names in all of Division I-A.

Update: Upon further review, SMU TE Vincent Chase has been replaced by MSU's Kyle Sackrider on the All-Name Team. Sorry Vince...

STARRING:





&


OFFENSE:

QB: Jim Bob Cooter (Tennessee) - the gold standard for student-athletes
RB: Richie Rich (North Carolina)
RB: Jimmy Johns (Alabama)
WR: De'Cody Fagg (Florida State)
WR: Darius Passmore (Marshall)
TE: Kyle Sackrider (Michigan State) - that's just unfortunate...
OL: Shelley Smith (Colorado State) - Don't say it - asshole...
OL: Joe Girardi (Miami) - Marlins manager doubling as UM lineman???
OL: Joseph Joseph (Louisiana-Monroe) - not a lot of creativity in this one...
OL: Hercules Satele (Hawaii)
OL: Jason Alexander (San Diego State)

DEFENSE:

DL: Colin Ferrell (Kent State)
DL: Avery Hannibal (Mississippi State) - gotta have this facemask...
DL: David Escobar (Ohio) - is this the guy that drugged up Frank Solich?
DL: LeQuantum McDonald (Baylor)
LB: Ian Handshy (Kansas)
LB: John Mark Patrick (Troy)
LB: Billy Ray (West Virginia) - must be very confusing...
DB: Christian Okoye (Tulane) - Nigerian Nigthmare, Part II???
DB: Sir Darean Adams (Michigan State)
DB: Knowledge Timmons (Penn State)
DB: Ray Ray McElrathbey (Clemson) - a sentimental selection...

P/K: Keith Toogood (Texas Tech) - this guy better have balls of steel...

HONORABLE MENTION:

TE Vincent Chase (SMU) - must be the center of every party
WR Maserati Jemison (Arizona State)
QB John Van Dam (Michigan State) - must.. know.. middle.. name..
DL Untavious Scott (Troy)

MEGOLOGY TO MARRY

It's my pleasure to announce the Daily's own Megan Kolodgy is engaged. Bob Hunt is reporting Megology is marrying her longtime boyfriend, Scott, on August 11, 2007 in Toledo. Megology was unavailable for comment.

We're hoping this will basically turn into a Daily Sports reunion (no pressure though, Megan...)

Remember that date folks:

8.11.07

FRANK DEFORD CLAPS AT BILL MARTIN

The battle over Michigan's "enclosed seating" has reached the breaking point.

SI's Frank Deford has a great article online about the revolution, throwing full support behind luxury-box haters.

Hey, if we successfully shoot down the boxes, I say we take aim at the yellow piping next...

Adam Morrison hates luxury boxes...

SOMEWHERE LLOYD CARR IS SMILING...

The AP is reporting Minnesota 1,000-yard rusher Gary Russell isn't signed up for classes this fall, meaning he will not play for the Golden Gophers either.

Whew.

This year we can breath easy when the game is tied, Minnesota is 3rd and 10 from their own 26-yard line, and the Gophers decide to run the clock out.

I can already taste the Little Brown Jug...

WILLIE WILLIAMS DREAM IS DEAD

Update: This post should instead be titled "Yahoo Sports Is Crap", but won't for linking purposes. Willie Williams - notorious for his 11 high school arrests and recruiting diary - is NOT headed to WVU (despite Yahoo's false reporting... BTW, I wouldn't want to be this John Murphy guy...), the former home of dirtbags Chris Henry and Pac Man Jones.

The good news is that the "Willie Williams Sweepstakes" continue if Lloyd Carr is listening...

We love you Willie!

THE WOODY HAYES PUNCH

It was only a matter of time until Woody Hayes's meltdown against Clemson was put on YouTube. Thanks to MZone, you can see it whenever you want. Definitely worth having in our archives...

GREATEST MOVIE SCENE OF ALL-TIME?

You know those movies that come on HBO, and you just watch them over and over again?

Old School is a good example. So is Zoolander. But for some reason, the film that really captures our imagination is "You Got Served".

Whether it's...
- Steve Harvey playing a mentor that lets kids throw their lives away on dance-offs
- Lil' Saint getting gun-downed while caught up in the thug life
- Wade Robson talking about how many sweet videos he has choreographed
or Lil' Kim telling the D.J. to "drop it like it's hot", this is a 95-minute film that never lets you up for air.

Inexplicably, it's ranked as the #21 worst movie of all-time on IMDB. First of all, there is no way this movie is worse than Kazaam (#22). Second, no matter how much people hated the movie, a sequel needs to be greenlit for the title alone, "You Got Served 2: Service with a Smile".

Below is our favorite scene in the movie, and possibly of all-time (BTW, Omarion deserved an Oscar nod for his text message reaction alone...):



BTW, Varun and I are seeing the 6:15 showing of "Little Man" at the Union Square theater on Wednesday, if anyone would like to join us...

WILLIE WOLVERINE???

As we all know, Michigan's top recruit Jai Eugene screwed us at the last minute and headed to LSU. Well, it appears Lloyd Carr can redeem himself with a former blue-chip recruit that is suddenly available.

That's right, Miami LB Willie Williams is officially transferring.

If you aren't familiar with Willie, here is a quick overview: the top recruited linebacker in the country two years ago, Williams has 11 "entries" on his arrest record - including 10 arrests for theft-related incidents.

But it only gets better.

While being recruited, Willie kept a diary for the Miami Herald, in which he detailed each trip. Some choice excerpts:

"Coach [Coker] looks like an old guy in his 50s or 60s, but he's real cool. When he talks, he sounds like he's 18 or 20. And when I saw he was driving the Escalade, I was like, 'Dang, coach got some taste.' "

"UM looks like it has a real good business school. After going on these trips and living like King Tut, I think business is something I want to get into."

On running through Miami's tunnel: "I was running like a blind man. I had my eyes closed cause I didn't want none of that smoke to get in my eyes. Coach was like, 'It's OK, Willie. It isn't going to hurt you.' Now, I know. Running through that smoke was awesome."

On Florida: "I ate so many meatballs, the people there started looking like meatballs. Some guy kept trying to get me to eat alligator tails, but I wasn't having it. I told him, 'I'm not the Crocodile Hunter.' I don't touch reptiles."

"They had girls come out, all dressed nice, but it took awhile. It was a weird beauty pageant because there were some people talking about black history the whole time. Then it got worse. They had guy models come out."

On his private flight to Auburn: "We could see [the pilot], and he could see us. One time, the plane starting shaking. So I asked [the pilot], 'Is everything OK?' He turned around a gave me the thumbs up and didn't say a word. Then when it happened again, he did the same thing - thumbs up."

"I looked at the other guys and was like, 'This guy has to be related to Ebert or something.' "

Trust us, there's much, much more if you look at the Miami Herald's archive.

We love you Willie!

NEWEST ADDITION TO CFB "ALL-NAME TEAM"

With Richie Rich already locking down the running back position, we've found some offensive firepower to complement him at Marshall: wide receiver Darius Passmore.

(It goes without saying that he'll be lining up across from Florida St.'s De'Cody Fagg, not pronounced "Fog" or "Fay-g" - just "Fag"...)

Please, please tell me Passmore is the next Terrell Owens...

WILL NCAA 2007 FEATURE "THE CLAW"?

The wait for NCAA 2007 is almost over. As you surely know, the game is released next Monday, July 18th.

While looking through this season's preview, we couldn't help but notice this new feature:

Innovative smart fans: The living stadium jumps to life featuring unique alumni, student, and visitor sections that react dynamically to the action and momentum on the field. Watch as fans do team specific traditions such as Florida State’s Tomahawk Chop or the Florida Gator Chomp.

They can't fit every student cheer into a paragraph, so we'll cut them slack despite not mentioning The Claw in here. But surely EA Sports picked up on the newest tradition in college sports, didn't they?

If not, we are immediately protesting the game. Then we're pulling an Andy Dufresne, writing the creators every day until this injustice is corrected.

Let's hope they didn't make that mistake ...


While the 2007 cover is tight, we're expecting this on the cover in 2008 ...

ZINEDINE ZIDANE QUIZ!

This Zinedine Zidane fiasco has provided so much good material we had to come up with a fresh angle to present all the information.

Introducing: The Zinedine Zidane Quiz:

1) What line did Marco Materazzi use to first insult Zidane, which you would more likely find in a rap song?
A. That's why I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker!
B. You're whack, you're twisted, you're girl's a ho...
C. That one's not for a n***** like you...

2) Zidane grew up on the mean streats of Marseille in the infamous housing projects of...
A. Marcy
B. Quartiers Nord
C. Queensbridge
D. Cabrini-Green

3) According to a forensic lip reader, Materazzi called Zidane's mother a...
A. Smelly pirate hooker
B. Terrorist whore
C. Woman with a brain a third the size of us (also adding that "It's science...")

4) What was Materazzi's defense to calling Zidane a "dirty terrorist"?
A. Didn't know what the word terrorist meant
B. Said it as a compliment
C. Pretended he didn't understand Italian

5) According to The Realests, who is the dirtiest player in sports?
A. Reggie Evans
B. Danny Fortson
C. Bruce Bowen
D. Zinedine Zidane



Answers:
1. C
2. B
3. B
4. A
5. A (the guy tried to rip Chris Kaman's balls off...)

DAILY GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET???

I feel like the Arts staff just plagiarized for the 7th time....

An article in today's Daily details how EIC Donn "M." Fresard is joining Michigamua and Ashley Dinges is therefore quitting the Daily.

(By the way, we love how her quote reads like a press release).

On one hand, it's hard to stop this guy. Unless they find him running around with a tomahawk, it's doubtful anything in the bylaws will help.

Even though it jeopardizes the Daily's independence, here is what I'm more concerned about: on a list of biggest douche bags at Michigan, Michigamua ranks right below Beta.

Who voted for this guy to be EIC?

The only hope would be busting him on lying about it to the staff (which I have very little details about...)

Where's the Goodspeed Update when you need it???

Vive La Revolucion!

REALEST OF THE WEEK

By the end, I was getting pretty bored with the World Cup. But you really gotta respect Zinedine Zidane for throwing away his entire career by head butting someone in the chest.

It will definitely go down as one of the stupidest plays in sports, right alongside Ricky Davis shooting on his own hoop for a triple-double.

And you gotta love that what we'll always remember about this World Cup is that French guys really are assholes...

Yeah, Zidane turned into the goat alright... and by that, we mean the Greatest Of All Time...

PASS THE ASTROGLIDE....

With the announcement that Reed Baker will be joining the Michigan basketball team, Tommy's much-heralded class is finally complete.

You'll be comforted in knowing Baker had planned on going to The Citadel, Birmingham Southern and Air Force at different points before Amaker swooped in at the last minute.

Just for fun, let's compare the 2006-07 basketball recruiting classes for Ohio State, Michigan St. and Michigan, according to Scout.com.

Ohio State
Greg Oden: #1 overall, ***** stars
Daequan Cook: #13, *****
Mike Conley: #28, *****
David Lighty: #31, ****
Othello Hunter: NR (JC Transfer)

Michigan St.
Raymar Morgan: #34, ****
Tom Herzog: #49, ****
Isaiah Dahlman: #61, ****

Michigan
DeShawn Sims: #32, ****
K'Len Morris: NR, ***
Ekpe Udoh: NR, ***
Reed Baker: NR, **
Anthony Wright: NR, **

And for a sneak peak, let's take a look at the number of top 100 recruits for each school in the 2007 class:

Ohio State: 3
Michigan State: 4
Michigan: 0


I'm going to find my "Great Job Amaker" sign...

ZUBINO: BIG BEN'S BULL-SHIT

Editor's Note: This is the first in a 5-part series by Zubino about the loss of Ben Wallace. Followed by this entry (Denial) will be Bargaining, Anger, Despair and Acceptance. Please stay tuned...


By The Great Zubino
Realests Correspondent

I heard the news and went bezerk:

“No more Ben Wallace?! No more 'fro? No more Rebound Row?”

I started going crazy and frantically biting my nails thinking the era of the Pistons was over. Then I pimped smack my own self and thought, "stop acting like a bitch." The smartest thing the Pistons could have done is let Wallace go. This frees up much cap room (Wallace was the Pistons highest paid player) and opens up some options. The Pistons could:

- Sign Bonzi Wells (He’s comfortable with Sheed from the Portland years)
- Trade one of the starting 4 remaining and a bench or a pick for a star on another team*

A lot of people I tell this say I'm crazy - but I seriously think this could happen. The Pistons could trade bench players and money for a star like KG or maybe Jermaine O’Neal - who knows.

I’m one of the people that’s happy now that Ben Wallace is gone. The organization paid him too much for only defense. If I was Joe Dumars, I would have gone up to Ben and showed him how strong my pimp hand was, then lower the deal to show him to know his role. Ben left so he could get more money, but he already has a ton from his previous occupations:

96-99 Washington- Accumulative 1.2 million over 3 years
2000 Orlando- $700,000
01-06 Detroit- A shitload more - over 25 million

I’m excited for the Pistons now: Every time we go to the foul line, we won’t have to pray for Ben to at least hit rim 100% of the time. Go Pistons.


Joe Dumars on Ben: “Who you haters think you talkin' to? I'm the fuckin' boss white on white G4, Hater get lost...”

REALEST OF THE WEEK

It's times like these that make blogging all worthwhile.

We're sure a single tear came to the eyes of Tommy Amaker and Ty Shine when they read this, just like it did for us. Thanks to Charles for the heads up...

On March 30, Minnesota Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin was drunk and masturbating when he crashed his luxury SUV into a parked Suburban outside a store in Minneapolis, according to a lawsuit filed Thursday by the man whose Suburban was hit in the crash.

WCCO-TV obtained copies of 911 calls and store surveillance video of the incident, along with an accident report the police submitted to the state, reports WCCO-TV's Caroline Lowe.

Several of the 911 callers that night said Griffin was drunk. One witness said Griffin told him he was watching pornography in a DVD player mounted on the dashboard of his Cadillac Escalade SUV when he struck a Chevy Suburban parked on University Avenue Southeast.

The location where Griffin crashed is located a couple miles from the Target Center where Griffin had played with his team several hours earlier.

Abed Hassuneh, who is the brother of the victim, said Griffin told him, "That he was masturbating himself going down that street. That's how the accident happened because he was not paying attention. He's paying attention to that video and all of a sudden he's shoveled somebody's car on the top of the sidewalk."

Interim Minneapolis Police Chief Tim Dolan ordered an internal affairs investigation of the conduct of the two officers who responded to the scene, after WCCO-TV made Dolan aware of allegations about the incident.

Key questions are why Griffin wasn't tested for alcohol and why the officers drove him out of the city to his home in St. Paul. Griffin also received tickets for not having a license and inattentive driving.

Griffin's damaged SUV was towed to the Minneapolis impound lot.

Dolan told WCCO-TV he expects impartial policing. Dolan also said officers must get permission to leave the city.

"Obviously, if somebody is drunk and they are driving we want that dealt with by the police officers of Minneapolis," Dolan said.

In the video, Griffin can be heard pleading with witnesses to not call police saying, "I can't go to jail."

The video also shows Griffin admitting he is drunk and doesn't have a driver's license.

The video shows him struggling for minutes to put on his sweatshirt and offering to buy a car for the man who's SUV he crashed into in front of Santana Foods.

Griffin was not available for comment. When he was interviewed by reporters after the crash happened, he said he had dropped his cell phone as he drove.

The two officers involved in the incident, Daniel Anderson and Matthew Lindquist, have been with the Minneapolis Police Department since October 2001. The officers remain on duty pending the outcome of the internal investigation.

UGH, I CAN'T STAND HANSEL!!!

Sometimes sports writers hit a level of stupidity even we didn't think was possible. Take this article after the NFL Draft that ran in "The Arizona Republic" by the title "Navarre Unfazed By Drafting of Leinart."

Is this guy kidding?

While the Cardinals selection of Southern California quarterback Matt Leinart in last weekend's draft caused waves of excitement throughout the Valley, it wasn't great news in at least one household.

John Navarre, entering his third season with the team, will now have serious competition to back up Kurt Warner.

But not much bothers Navarre, and he said he doesn't plan to shrink from the challenge.

"Hey, I have to compete," he said. "Competition brings out the best. I have to expect that and so does Matt coming in, and I know he does."

Navarre, who was a seventh-round pick from Michigan, has played in two games in two years. When Josh McCown departed for Detroit via free agency this off-season, Navarre moved up to second on the depth chart. Now, he has competition.

"That's the NFL," coach Dennis Green said. "I don't think anybody thinks they should be making millions of dollars and have a free pass. John went to Michigan. Believe me, he understands competition."

Navarre's advantage is that he knows the offensive system. But it's rare in the NFL that a seventh-round pick beats out a first-rounder. When asked if he's confident that the competition will be fair, Navarre said he didn't know.

"If I'm going to base my work ethic and my goals on outside factors I can't control, what does that say about my goals?" he asked. "Whatever happens ahead of me happens, but I'm going to work and I'm not going to change."

From the article, you'd think Navarre is a potential franchise QB that just got dicked over instead of someone biding time until he goes into the Sporting Goods business...

"The Incumbent"

"The Challenger"

OREGON'S LOST ITS DAMN MIND

Last week Nike and the University of Oregon announced the fourth "evolution" of their football uniforms in the last 10 years. Along with some minor changes and permanently adding the black jersey, the Ducks will no have THREE different helmets. The white one is pictured here, while the yellow version is still in "development stage", and I shouldn't even be talking about it.

By the way, note on a close-up of this picture that Dennis Dixon is sporting the "510" (Oakland) area code for the announcement. That's just ridiculous....

And if you needed one more reason to think Phil Knight is a complete ego-maniac, check out his headshot on the University's website that could probably be printed into a poster.

THEREALESTS.COM

People, people. We see that some of you are still typing in "the realests" into a google search to get to our page. For those of you too lazy to type in ".blogspot" we have purchased "therealests.com", which will automatically redirect you to this page.

Enjoy, folks.

FACEBOOK PICTURE OF THE WEEK

People have questioned his determination, but no one can doubt the heart of former Michigan defensive lineman Gabe Watson. Let's just hope he starts laying off the quaaludes...

TSKITISHVILI'S REVENGE

People keep talking about how the Knicks had the worst draft of anyone in the league.

That's absurd.

Nikoloz Tskitishvili had the worst draft - hands down. While people were discussing Andrea Bargnani, Nikoloz's name was constantly dragged through the mud as the "worst-case scenario." Even Dickie V took a shot at Tish, pronouncing his name two different ways in a span of 5 seconds.


Tish in 2002

Yeah, the guy has averaged only 3 points a game in 4 NBA seasons and has been passed around more than Jenna Jameson. But Tish always has been and always will be one of our favorite players, and let us tell you something: he loves proving critics wrong.

As I write this, Tish is running suicide drills. Tish's backward shot is almost perfected, the most deadly weapon since Kareem's sky hook.

You watch, Nikoloz will lead the Suns to the NBA Championship next year.


The secret weapon...

IT'S NOT DELIVERY.... IT'S BARGNANI!!!!!!

We look up Andrea Bargnani and read things like "excellent athletic skills", "runs the court very well with good speed and quickness", "adept at beating his dribbler off the ball" and "really, really good looking."

Call us haters, but after watching this video of him dunking a ball onto his own head and falling down, all we see is a doofus (love the music though...):

MAJERUS: "NOT A BIG GAY GUY"

There isn't a player in the NBA Draft with less heart than Rudy Gay. Rick Majerus says as much, while strangely defending his sexuality in the process (pay particular attention to Steve Lavin's face in this clip):



We're sure Rudy Gay is very disappointed Rick Majerus doesn't play for the other side ... Smile, Rudy!

ADAM MORRISON: THE NEW FACE OF MARXISM

We've been beaten over the head with the story of Adam Morrison reading Karl Marx and hanging flags of Che Guevara on his wall.

But, has anyone noticed this guy is really starting to look like the guerrilla leader, and, couldn't he be planning to use the NBA as his platform for a Marxist Revolution????

That's food for thought....

By the way, these t-shirts would sell like crazy:

Photo art by T-Dizzle

AMMENDMENT TO THE 'M'ISERABLE 10

In our list of the most pathetic Michigan sports moments from the 2005-06 school year, how did I forget this one?! Forgive me...

Considering Brent Musberger's commentary, this could be #1 on the list: "Take it home! Big fella does it! Yeah big fella!"

(And let's not forget his call of the T.J. Duckett touchdown in 2001, alluding to the World Series: "First it was Martinez! Then it was Brosius! Now it's SSSSSSSmoker!!!!!")

Man, that guy is a douche...

WILL HORTON GET DRAFTED?

It's hard to believe that Daniel Horton, who was 10X better than any of his teammates last year, is still dangerously close to going undrafted. In the following Yahoo! preview, they rank him 78th overall (there are 60 picks in the entire draft).

Obviously Horton's strong pre-draft workouts haven't impressed Yahoo that much, as they have him sandwiched between Sun Ye and Leonardo Di Pacce Dos Santos.

Let's just say if Horton is doing the post-graduation Europe-thing this summer, he should book the ticket one way...

FACEBOOK PICTURE OF THE WEEK

This week we have a very special guest on The Realests: Cleveland Browns' stud Braylon Edwards.

We had to give him a shout out based solely on the fact he still updates his Facebook profile. It was just icing on the cake that we found such a great pic of Braylicious to show you guys.

"Who the FUCK let this clown-ass dude in my party?..."

Bray: didn't you get the memo about Cristal being racist???

That's alright, we still love you #1...

REVISITING THE Y2K NBA DRAFT GLITCH

Everyone's talking about how bad the talent pool is in this NBA Draft. People: we've gotten a little spoiled with the LeBrons, Carmelos and Dwyanes.

Let's all take a look back at the 2000 Draft Class, which is a giant stain on the record books.

1. Kenyon Martin, New Jersey
2. Stromile Swift, Vancouver
3. Darius Miles, LA Clippers
4. Marcus Fizer, Chicago
5. Mike Miller, Orlando
6. DerMarr Johnson, Atlanta
7. Chris Mihm, Chicago (traded to Cleveland)
8. Jamal Crawford, Cleveland (traded to Chicago)
9. Joel Przybilla, Houston
10. Keyon Dooling, Orlando

You know you've got a problem when the top 6 draft picks don't start in the league and no one in the top 10 is with his original team.

As pointed out by ESPN earlier, best player in the entire class is Michael Redd (43rd overall to the Bucks).

Shit, even Mark Madsen was a first-round pick (29th overall to the Lakers)!

The only place Mark Madsen ever fit in...

"IT'S A WALK-OFF..."

Gangsters don't dance, and Tom Cruise and Pat Riley definitely fall under that category. So here they both are "walking" to Yung Joc's "It's Going Down." Seeing as no one pulled a pair of underwear out of their pants, we'll call this a draw:

Warning: Playing them simultaneously could make your head explode...

CRUISE


RILEY

WORST...BLOG...EVER...

Or is it the best blog ever???

EVIL VS. EVIL

I believe it was "The Chronicles of Riddick" that put it best:

"In normal times, evil would be fought by good. But in times like these, well, it should be fought by another kind of evil."

Well, that's exactly what is going on with Michael Strahan's divorce from his wife. If you haven't been reading the NY Post lately, here's a summary:

* Wifey wants $14 million dollars
* Strahan's lawyers have devised a genius strategy for him to act like he is suffering from amnesia - he claims he can't remember:
1) Wife's birth date
2) 18-month old twins' birthday
3) Wedding anniversary
4) Love letters he wrote to his wife (although he DOES acknowledge he recognizes the handwriting as his own...)
5) A song he sang to her named "Green Eyes"
* Wife walks out of the courtroom and calls him gay

Let's just hope this ends up with a better ending than C.O.R....

U.S. OUSTED BY GHANARRHEANS

Now that we've had a day to let the U.S. soccer debacle set in, people are starting to act like the Ghanarrheans win wasn't that big a surprise. The British ESPN analyst, Tommy Smyth, went so far as to say the States did "O.K." in the World Cup.

Let me put it simply: Ghanarrheans should not be able to do ANYTHING better than we can. That goes for everything from soccer to tiddly winks.

Here's a quick overview of the West African country:

United States GDP, $12.3 Trillion
Expected Sales of "Frat Boy Missionaries", $3 Trillion
Ghana GDP, $54 Billion

"CLICK" DROPS HOLLYWOOD TO NEW LOW

Let me start with this:

"Frat Boy Missionaries"
Coming: Summer 2012

Ok, and let me also say it's disgusting when really funny people like Adam Sandler do crap movies like this. Now onto the important stuff...

When you first heard about Sandler's new comedy "Click", how many people out there said to themselves, "Isn't this exactly like Bruce Almighty"?

It turns out they could be more similar than we even feared. Why? Because it turns out two of Bruce Almighty's writers (Steve Koren, Mark O'Keefe) are the ones responsible for this "new" script.

(By the way, these two are getting blacklisted as soon as we take over Hollywood....)

These guys are dickriding themselves! We bet Sandler and Beckinsale did the whole thing in front of a green screen and the rest was done over a computer.

I mean even these posters look the exact same! Disgusting.....

REAL WORLD DENVER UPDATE

While we gave up on this season's Real World a long time ago, we still haven't given up on the franchise altogether.

Thanks to the NY Post, we have been pointed in the direction of getrealdenver.com, a site dedicated to stalking Denver's cast.

From the looks of it, Jonathan Murray has gone back to the basics with a bunch of lushes that pillage their town.

And if daily updates aren't enough, get ahold of this: the "Real World Denver Webcam." That's right, a webcam monitoring the Real World house 24 hours a day. Completely psycho? Yes.

Sadly, this appears to be more entertaining than watching this season....


Please spare us....

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON?

Incredibly, no one is reporting Santonio Holmes' trouble in 2003, when he was charged with disorderly conduct for an incident in which a woman claimed her jaw was broken.

So we decided to dig a little deeper into Santonio's past and see what else we could find. What we ended up with is a Sept. 18, 1990 article from the Orlando Sentinel:

Police on Saturday arrested a 34-year-old Cocoa man after the victim of an attempted sexual assault on Sept. 9 saw him at a bar and identified him as her attacker.

The 24-year-old woman told police she was walking home at 11:30 p.m. on Peachtree Street when a man grabbed her from behind, hit her head and dragged her behind a building. The victim said the suspect tried to tear off her clothes, but she escaped.

Police arrested Santonio Holmes, 327 Pineapple St., on charges of attempted sexual battery and aggravated assault. He is being held on $30,000 bail at the Brevard County jail in Sharpes.

Obviously the article IS NOT proof that this is Santonio's dad. But here are the facts:

1) Santonio's dad is Santonio Sr.
2) Santonio Jr. grew up without his dad
3) Cocoa, FL is located 2.5 hours away from Belle Glade, FL, where Santonio grew up
4) Santonio Holmes was born in 1984, which would make this man approximately 28 years old at the time of the wide receiver's birth

Is this Santonio's dad? You be the judge...

IF it is, we just find it incredible how often a kid vows not to be like his father, just to end up going down the exact same road...

SANTONIO HOLMES BEATS BITCHES UP

After getting arrested on Memorial Day weekend for disorderly conduct, Santonio Holmes stepped it up a notch yesterday - getting arrested for domestic violence. The woman accussing him of assault? The mother of his 18-week old daugther (and yes, that article says he has 3 children).

While the reason for his arrest has not been released and his lawyer is already working damage control, let's not forget an incident in 2003 that really slipped through the cracks...

Nov. 16, 2003: At 3 a.m. after a win over Purdue and six days before the Michigan game, wide receiver Santonio Holmes and quarterback Troy Smith are charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct after a fight in a parking lot on campus. A window in a car is kicked out and one woman reported her jaw was broken. At least one other prominent Buckeye is at the scene, but is not charged. Holmes is held out of the starting lineup at Michigan but returns to play most of the game. Holmes also started in the Buckeyes' Fiesta Bowl game. He pleads innocent to the disorderly conduct after the team returns to Columbus. The disorderly conduct charge is dismissed against Holmes on March 30, 2004. Smith is found guilty of the charge.

What next? Chopping her pet's head off and shoving it through the doggy door?

MY GANGSTA STEEZ

OK, I didn't fool anyone. Yesterday I posted this video and ripped the kid in it for being a douche when, in fact, this is me C-walking in my room.

You caught me - ridin' dirty...

IAN POULTER IS FLAMING

I don't know which was harder to watch: Ian Poulter or his shank off the first tee. Tune into the U.S. Open today and keep your eye out for him. He's hard to miss: tight pink shirt, crucifix necklace and the frattiest hair you will ever see.

This guy seems like a complete ego-maniac. Just check out his website, which gives his yearly earnings on the home page.

Here is a quick photo gallery:

Party like a frat star...

Looking flaming, again...

Looking douchier....

Looking ridiculously stupid....

I hate you...

FACEBOOK PICTURE OF THE WEEK

You might recognize many of these guys, as there are multiple Michigan basketball players in this picture. And of course everyone is trying to look hard and get in the obligatory hand signals. But there is one basketball player that has absolutely no right to be mean muggin' so hard: Courtney Sims.

Dude looks like he is about to pull a Shyne in the club. Come on Courtney, wipe that silly look off your face - we can't take you seriously like that...


I'm sending this picture to Greg Oden's home...

IN JAY-Z NEWS...

The AP reports that Jay-Z is boycotting Cristal... Which, of course, means The Realests are now boycotting Cristal.

This is how the man in charge of Cristal - Frederic Rouzaud - pissed Jigga off:

In The Economist magazine, Rouzaud said the company viewed the affection for his company’s champagne from rappers and their fans with “curiosity and serenity.”

Asked by the magazine if the association between Cristal and the “bling lifestyle” could be detrimental, Rouzaud replied:

“That’s a good question, but what can we do? We can’t forbid people from buying it. I’m sure Dom Perignon or Krug would be delighted to have their business.”

Now, this isn't exactly a surprise coming from an extremely wealthy French guy. And it's up for debate whether the comment was actually racist.

Either way, we are getting bottle service tomorrow night at the 40/40 Club and will take turns pissing in leftover Cristal bottles. Pictures to come...

OFFICIAL "SNAKES ON A PLANE" PREVIEW

We've all heard so much hype about the film, but the trailer just confirmed it: Snakes on a Plane will be the greatest movie ever.

Please take a second to view this masterpiece.

We know August 18th seems like an eternity from now, but it's really not. To help remind us, there's the official "Snakes on a Plane" countdown clock.


Kick ass, SLJ


Please tell us this guy is in the movie...

POLO NIXES DUKE APPAREL DEAL

In the wake of J.J. Redick's DWI and the lacrosse team scandal, Polo has terminated its 7-year, $25 million contract with the Duke athletic department as the school's official off-the-field apparel.

A source close to the situation cited photos of Duke players Reade Seligmann and J.J. Redick sporting Polo at the time of their arrests, as well as a clause in the contract that prohibited Duke players from "defacing the horse."

Ralph Lauren declined comment, while Coach K was busy recruiting in Hell.

***For you morons out there, this is a joke****


Seligmann


Redick

"PUT GARNETT IN NET" CAMPAIGN

From everyone we've talked to about the U.S. sucking ass in the World Cup, there seems to be one thing on all our minds: we want Kevin Garnett in net.

It's very cliche to ask, "What if our best athletes played soccer?" And this isn't like the time we suggested the AND1 Mixtape team represent us at the Olympics.

This could seriously work.

Doesn't looking at Kasey Keller just make you sick? "Old Man River" is like watching your dad play. With all the lineup changes going on right now, Garnett should immediately board a plane to Germany and get a crash course in goaltending. At least give it a chance, Bruce...

Just look at the comparison:

KASEY KELLER

Age: 36
Height: 6-2
Wingspan: Less than Garnett's
Telling Sign: Balding
Pre-Cup Quote: "We've come a long way in 15 years but we have a long way to go."

VS.

KEVIN GARNETT

Age: 30
Height: 6-11
Wingspan: 7 feet
Telling Sign: Blocked almost 1,500 shots in his NBA career
Pre-Cup Quote: "This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher."

The quote would go over especially well with foreign countries right now...

COREY & HUNTER, EPISODE 2: "STUNT 101"

This week's installment is "Stunt 101": Corey falls asleep early at a party and pays for it the next day.

Quick announcement: we have just signed a deal with HBO to simulcast "Corey & Hunter" after Entourage. See you all here next week.

If you are having trouble seeing the reflection in the mirror, check out the Spoiler Alert below.



***** SPOILER ALERT *****

THERE'S CUM ON HIS FACE.

FACEBOOK PICTURE OF THE WEEK

Snapping pictures of athletes with a camera phone and putting them on the Internet is completely out of control. While we enjoyed gaining insight into the personal lives of Kyle Orton and Matt Leinart, people have reached a new level of evil with the creation of drunkathlete.com.

That being said, if an athlete decides to post photos of themselves online, we can mock you as much as we want. Therefore, we introduce you to our first Facebook Picture of the Week featuring 'M' athletes.

This week: men's basketball player Lester Abram.


"Hey Lester... haven't you been smoking paoti for six straight days and - couldn't some of this be in your mind???"

REALEST OF THE WEEK

We've already established the greatest name in women's college basketball history: Charlotte's Ivana Mandic. Well, it appears there is a front-runner for greatest name in college football: North Carolina's Richie Rich.

We only hope he drives a Bentley around campus, but realize this is North Carolina football we are talking about...

Clearly, he can put himself over the top by replacing the "c"s with a couple "¢"s and collaborating with Ma$e on a new album called: "Dollaz and Centz".

NORTHWESTERN KNOCK-OFFS?

There's nothing worse than a cheap immitation.

First, the Duke women's lacrosse team decided to back their school's controversial sports program. Now in the wake of Northwestern women's soccer scandal, this picture surfaces from their softball team...

GUNSTON: GEORGE MASON'S BASTARD CHILD

Of everyone we have put on blast, George Mason's mascot Gunston probably got it the worst.

We questioned his manhood, his ability to get fans pumped, and the entire concept behind him. At the end, we asked him to turn in his head on our desk.

Little did we know, he would actually do it. Sometimes our far-reaching impact even amazes ourselves. Of course, now that he is gone, we are going to demand his re-instatement.

According to the Washington Post, George Mason has fired Gunston just weeks after its magical run to the Final Four. And, as you can see, Associate Athletic Director Andy Ruge had some harsh words for Gunston on the way out the door:

"We need to develop a mascot with a strong image, more of an immediate connection with George Mason, something our community would be proud to have," Ruge said.

Ouch. And there's more...

"It would be nice if a freshman could see him and go, 'Hey, that's our mascot' instead of going 'What's that?' "

I wish I overheard a student asking that about the G-man, just so I could go: "It's Gunston, MOTHERFUCKER!"

Notice how Ruge was put on damage control by saying Gunston won't be "offed" and will still work with kids.

Well, at least we know Gunston won't be shot and thrown into a trunk...


Let's hope Moondog reaches out to Gunston in this time of need...

NBA FINALS PREVIEW

When it comes down to it, there are only two things that make this NBA Finals interesting.

First, it's a second chance to catch Cybertoine's Shimmy. Like Detroit, we gave up on Game 6 of the Heat-Pistons series in the middle of the 4th quarter. So we didn't get a chance to see this live (below). We won't make that mistake again...



And of course the other reason we care is the Shaq-Dampier beef, which the media is trying its hardest to reignite. Shaq isn't biting, so we will instead have to settle for enjoying past Dampierisms. Let's start with the original:

"Damp is soft. Quote it, write it, tape it and send it to him. I tell you, there's nothing there."

Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:


Exhibit C:
Getting bent over by Amare Stoudemire...


Even Shaq can't bear to watch...

WAVERLY DINER HITS THE SILVER SCREEN

One of the few things we hold close to our hearts is Waverly Diner at the corner of 6th Ave. and Waverly Place. Ever since we arrived in NYC, Kumar has treated us like brothers.

The funny thing is, when you first find the place, you think it's your little spot in NYC. Then you stop by for breakfast on a Saturday morning and realize half of New York is in line.

Well our little diner's all growns up, and it's all growns up!

In an HBO Documentary named "Dope Sick Love", Waverly diner makes a special guest appearance. OK, it's not exactly what you'd call an advertisement: it's a hang out for a couple of junkies between fixes.

But please congratulate Kumar the next time you stop by.

Also, if you would like to see the documentary, Tivo HBO2 at 2:45 AM on June 24th.


Waverly's hit the big time... and the crack pipe....

Entourage: One Week Away

Our second favorite show, Entourage, is now just one week away from its 3rd season. With only 14 episodes last season, it's been a long, long wait.

Did anyone notice how the show is advertising on ESPN now? Needless to say, this show is becoming one of the biggest players on TV. With all the failed sitcoms on network television, this season could end up being a monumental moment in comedy TV.

If you are like us and can't wait for the season premiere, pick up the most recent issue of GQ with Christina Aguilera on the front. There is a great article detailing Jeremy Piven's move up to the A-list.

The article also mentions the topic of Piven's hair, which we had never even noticed before. But now looking back, it does look suspicious that Piven actually had a lower hairline 12 years ago in PCU:

"PCU Piven"


"Ari Gold"


There is an even worse picture of him appearing on Seinfeld, but we will refrain from showing it. Although normally we would make fun of this somehow, as a couple of 20-something dudes (one of which is going gray rapidly), this actually struck a soft spot with us....

.... that is until we realized Piven is probably hooking up with a model half his age right now. You go, JP.

Did Jack Nicklaus Piss Off Leatherlips?

As the Memorial Tournament goes through ANOTHER rain delay, it's time to talk conspiracy.

Check out this website:

"Dublin - Muirfield Village Golf Club - 1976 - Was the start of the Memorial Tournament Jack Nicklaus - built the golf course on an Indian burial or sacred grounds. The legend has it - Chief Leatherlips makes it rain every year on Tournament. In 24 years it has been affected by rain 14 times. Twice it has been shortened to 54 holes. One year they move the tournament a week a head. It still rained."

We obviously laugh at coincidence and believe this conspiracy 100%.


Leatherlips

Realests' Take on Theisman's Take on Ricky

Take Joe Theisman calling Ricky Williams a "disgrace" to football as an example.

We are amazed that while stories like this continue to get beaten over our head, people still don't notice the obvious. In this case, Theisman's hypocrisy.

We'd say it's pretty disgraceful to change the pronunciation of your name in a failed attempt to win the Heisman Trophy.

Ricky 1
Theisman 0



VS.

"Teflon Sean" Beats Charges

It's been a very emotional day for all Redskins fans, as Sean "The Don" Taylor accepted a plea deal which will keep him out of prison. There's only one person that can relate to my jubilation right now after seeing justice prevail - the crazy lady from the Michael Jackson case: