GRADUATION

I love Kanye West's new cd so much that I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.


Originally, I had pre-ordered it on iTunes and I was so excited that I planned on staying up til about 3 in the morning on Monday night so that I could download the cd at the first possible moment, listen to it, and then fall asleep. From that last sentence you should easily figure out that my life has become more pathetic than you could even imagine.

Late on Monday afternoon, I decided to cancel the pre-order. I realized that I wanted the actual cd. So I decided to go to the Virgin Store in Union Square early on Tuesday morning to buy the actual compact disc. Since about 10 AM on Tuesday morning, the cd is all I've listened to. It's occupied my every thought. It's that good.

Sure, maybe I'm going overboard. I have a tendency to do that when I like something alot. Take my recent obsession with Las Vegas. I've been watching 2-3 episodes a day and at this point am ready to declare it the best show on television. In fact, I'm thinking about staying in on Friday, September 28th so that I can watch the 2 hour season premiere (!)

Anyway, before I actually start talking about the cd itself, I should preface my review with a few thoughts. First, Kanye is probably my favorite rapper out right now. This might have more to do with other rappers sucking than with Kanye being that good. It's become disgustingly easy for me to rattle off a list of disappointments that my rap favorites have graced me with: Kingdom Come, Hip Hop Is Dead, Tru3 Magic. Even Game Theory and Hell Hath No Fury haven't lived up to the weight of repeat listens. Now, given that last sentence, maybe it's true that I'm jumping the gun on Graduation being great given that I've only listened to it for 3 days. But, in my defense, both College Dropout and Late Registration have consistently grown on me to the point where both of those albums remain in heavy rotation on my iPod. Second, I fought tooth and nail with myself not to listen to a leak of the album before it came out. I wanted to have that "wow-this-album-came-out-today-and-I've-only-listened-to-the-singles" feeling that I used to have in high school. While I like Game Theory and Hell Hath a lot both of those cds were diminished a little by the fact that I had heard so many of there songs before the album came out as a whole.

The overwhelming impression that the CD gives on the first listen is one of consistency. None of the songs really jump out at you as club bangers (exception, Stronger). Dropout and Registration both had a few songs (Through the Wire, Gold Digger) that you knew would be immediate hits. But they had their fair share of clunkers also (Breathe In Breathe Out, Bring Me Down). Graduation is different in that its completeness is an absolute strength - there's no inane skits, no overbloated guest appearances, no excess orchestration. The song quality is incredibly consistent. But that's not to say that all the songs are the same. There's a broad range - songs heavy on soul sample, piano loops, electronic samples, synths. It's a testament to Kanye's willingness to push the boundaries of what can be included in hip hop while still making hip hop music.

Here are my highlights on the album: I love the fact that the beat on "Good Morning" actually sounds like the morning feels. It's a perfect song to wake up to. On "Champion," I enjoy the part where the girl comes in and sings. I'm not a huge fan of the chorus, though. "Stronger" is great - the drums have been changed - but thankfully Kanye decided not to change any of the lyrics. On a side note, I'm sick and tired of hearing people complain about his lyrics. He has his fair share of clunkers, but he's never claimed to be a great lyricist. Plus, referencing Klondike bars and lesbians on back to back lines is genius. "I Wonder" starts to become good at the start of the third verse when Kanye gets rid of the stilted flow and starts to build some momentum with his voice. "Good Life" is one of my favorite songs on the album. I love when drops the beat and says "more ass than the models." I love the video. I love the Michael Jackson sample. And I really enjoyed the MTV VMA performance for the song. I originally hated "Can't Tell Me Nothin'," but it's grown on me steadily. Plus, the fact that he brought Jeezy in just to record adlibs is pretty genius. I'm still not sold on "Barry Bonds" mostly because I don't like Weezy that much, but the organ in the song is pretty ominous and foreboding. "Drunk and Hot Girls" is by far the most out there song on the album and it's almost unbearably slow. But I haven't skipped it yet on a listen through and the lyrics are pretty fantastic. For example, "Don't tell me you a singer/ you about to get a deal / aaagh aaagh aaagh aaagh / that's how the fuck you sound." Does it rhyme? No. Does it make any sense? No. Does it work perfectly? Yes. "Flashing Lights" is a song that I have absolutely no feelings about either way yet. "Everything I Am" and "Glory" are my two favorite songs on the album. The former sounds a little like "Guess Who's Back" while "Glory" sounds a little like "I.Z.Z.O." I think Kanye is at his best when the beats are dominated either by piano or strings. Both of these songs hit the spot. "Homecoming" is a completed and mastered version of "Home" which was originally on the College Dropout Advance. The verses of the songs are identical, but the choruses and beats are completey different. I loved the original version of "Home" with the soul sample and John Legend singing the chorus and was disappointed when I found out that this version would be different. But I still equally likehttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif the more piano based and Chris Martin-sung version on this album. But it's weird when he starts yodelling on the chorus. "Big Brother" is a song about Jay-Z. You thought that I wouldn't like it??

Reading through the last paragraph, I realized that I didn't do the cd justice. But I'm not about to go back and delete it because 1) it's a lot of words and 2) it took me a while to write. The one main thing to say about the album is that you can tell that Kanye tried on it. And, like I've said before, at this point in time all I ask out of rappers is that they try. He tried to make an album that was both overreaching and well within itself. He tried to explore his sonic palate and he also tried to step up his lyricism. He succeeded on all fronts.

So, go buy the cd. And even if you don't like Kanye that much, you have to like him more than you like 50 Cent.

If you want to read much better and more polished reviews of the album, click here here here or here. And this reviewer doesn't have a damn clue what they're talking about.

TEN MOST MISERABLE LLOYD CARR MOMENTS

As Michigan fans, we always talk about how tough we've got it. How many times have you heard someone say, "Only Michigan"? The thing is, it's true. I don't want to hear people talk about how we've been to 3 of the last 4 Rose Bowls and how most schools would kill to go 7-5, as we did in 2005.

We are tortured souls. Period.

And to prove it, we're counting down the most painful, gut-wrenching, "I want to punch myself in the face" moments during Lloyd Carr's illustrious 13 years as our football coach.

Warning: This can be difficult to digest all at once. Steer clear of sharp objects and ledges.

10. "Forget the Alamo" - 2005 Alamo Bowl (Dec. 28, 2005)
After blowing an 11-point lead to Nebraska and (gasp!) Bill Callahan, Michigan tricks Big Red into thinking the game is over before Tyler Ecker streaks down the sideline for a potential game-winning touchdown. Even with only 2 Huskers still playing, Big Blue still can't score; Ecker runs out of bounds as time expires instead of lateraling the to a wide-open Steve Breaston.



9. "Dorsch is a Douche" - Michigan at Purdue (Oct. 7, 2000)
After storming out to a commanding 28-10 halftime lead led by Drew Henson, A-Train and David Terrell, Carr inexplicably goes into conservative mode the entire second half. Michigan scores just 3 more points, but the Wolverines appear to escape with the victory after Travis Dorsch yanks a 32-yard field goal wide left with just 2:11 to go. Undeterred, the Michigan offense goes 3-and-out, handing the ball right back to Drew Brees. With four seconds to go, Dorsch connects from 33-yards out for the win.

8. "A-Train Derailed" - Michigan at Northwestern (Nov. 4, 2000)
Let's stay within the 2000 season. Three weeks after the Purdue debacle, another Michigan opponent hands Big Blue a victory. An apparent game-winning touchdown on fourth down was called back on a penalty and then NU's Damien Anderson drops a touchdown pass on fourth down with almost no time left. Instead of falling down after he picks up the necessary first down to run out the clock, Anthony Thomas fumbles the ball, leading to a Northwestern TD. As always, Michigan's last shot is extremely anti-climatic: A 57-yard field-goal attempt in which Johnny Cakes pulls "a Romo."

7. "The Donovan Show" - Michigan vs. Syracuse (Sept. 12, 1998)
Classic Michigan. How do the Wolverines come out in 1998 after winning the national championship? By losing its first two games. This is now universally known as the game people realized Michigan can't handle black quarterbacks. Donovan McNabb led the 'Cuse to a 24-0 lead. Although Michigan only lost by 10 (38-28), it was never close. McNeezy ran circles around Michigan's defense, racking up 60 yards rushing and 233 yards passing. For those looking for positives, Michigan did turn their 0-2 start into a 10-3 season. We'll see if history repeats itself.

6. "Illinihilated" - Michigan vs. Illinois (Oct. 23, 2000)
Up 27-7 over perennial doormat Illinois with 18 minutes remaining, Carr decided to hit the snooze button on the Illini. Led by Kurt Kittner and Rocky Harvey, Illinois scores 28 unanswered points that concludes with a 59-yard pass to Harvey for a TD. Michigan has one last chance to tie the game, but Tom Brady (yes, we even turned that guy into a loser) threw an interception on the goal line. We should point out Illinois fumbled and Big Blue got 2 points out of it! The next week Illinois lost by 20 at home to Penn State.

5. "Tressel Takes Over" - Michigan vs. Ohio State (Nov. 24, 2001)
Who can forget Tressel's guarantee: "I can assure you that you will be proud of your young people in the classroom, in the community and most especially in 310 days in Ann Arbor, Michigan"? We laughed at the time. The joke was on us after Jermaine Gonzales came in at quarterback only to let the ball sail over his head for a safety. Michigan trailed 23-0 at the half and a Marquise Walker dropped ball sealed the 26-20 OSU victory. Tressel is now going for his 6th win over Michigan in 7 tries.

4. "The Jug-ular" - Michigan vs. Minnesota (Oct. 8, 2005)
Just trying to run out the clock on 3rd and long with under a minute remaining, Gary Russell broke loose for a 61-yard run aided by multiple missed tackles. Jason Giannini hits a 30-yard field goal with one second left, forcing Michigan fans to watch Glen Mason celebrate the Little Brown Jug at The Big House. Disgusting. Almost as disgusting as his fake tan.

3. "Sitting Ducks" - Michigan vs. Oregon (Sept. 8, 2007)
If the Appalachian State game is the day Michigan football died, the Oregon game is when we got our ashes pissed on. Is there really any need to go over this? Coming off a 7-6 season, Oregon racked up 624 yards of total offense and drubbed Big Blue 39-7. The game easily could have been 56-7 if it weren't for careless errors in the second half.

2. "Rocky Bottom" - 2001 Citrus Bowl (Jan. 1, 2001)
This game was an epiphany for two reasons: It's when Ann Arbor officially turned on Lloyd Carr and the country realized Michigan was really, really slow. After the Ohio State debacle, Casey Clausen ripped the Michigan secondary for almost 400 yards passing and 3 TDs. We still have nightmares of big whitey Jason Witten outrunning Cato June for a 64-yard touchdown catch.

1. "Appalanche" - Michigan vs. Appalachian State (Sept. 1, 2007)
Pick a title: The Biggest Upset in College Football History. The Day Michigan Football Died. Balls in our Mouth. In typical Michigan fashion, the potential game-winning field goal hits an Appalachian State player in the chest, ending a game that will haunt Michigan fans forever.



Dishonorable Mention:
- 2001 Michigan State loss (26-24): LeSueur throws the game away.
- 2002 Iowa loss (34-9): Markus Curry throws the game away.
- 2006 Ohio State loss (25-21): The entire 'D' throws the game away.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

If it's any consolation, the Oregon Ducks mascot has been suspended one game.... for kicking the Houston Cougars' ass:

CAUGHT PLAYING WITH HIS DICK-KA

The Dude really has a nose for crazy shit that goes down on Monday Night Football. First it was the crazy inflatable Atlanta Falcon, now it's Mike Ditka playing with his thingy in the booth. We'd like to point out the horror on Mike Greenberg's face.

Maybe MNF can be saved, after all...

REALEST TV

Las Vegas is the best show on television. Here's 3 reasons why:


































But here's the reason why Jim loves the show:

LLOYD CARR: BAD CASE OF LOSER DENIAL

Someone please stop Lloyd Carr the next time he goes on his well-rehearsed spiel: "We can either fold it up, or we can fight back!"

It's pretty much the same speech he's given for every loss we can remember. Note to Lloyd: Losing 39-7 means your team folded it up.

Even more pathetic, if Michigan somehow finds a way to beat Notre Dame (a big if...), Lloyd's going to talk about how he's never been prouder of a group of football players and never seen anything like the adversity and ridicule they've gone through in the last two weeks. Please spare us.

Hopefully it doesn't take a parking cone up the ass for Lloyd to get the message.

We'd much rather see Lloyd pull a John L. Smith and throw the entire team under the bus like he did after last year's Illinois game ("That’s the way we practiced, what you saw. We can’t get them to go. Apparently I don’t have the answer. Can’t get them to go hard in practice.")

M NOTES:

Nike Conspiracy Theory: We'd like to point out our newest conspiracy theory: Has anyone noticed that the downfall of Michigan football just-so-happens to come right after we turned our backs on Nike? Don't worry, The Realests are already looking into large cash transactions between the Henne family and Phil Knight.

Now 0-4 since Bo's death, people are now talking about how that might not be a coincidence - but that's just offensive.

It's Britney, Bitch: Toss up. Who's more out of touch with reality (and realety, for that matter...) right now: The Michigan Football Team or Britney Spears? Someone stop this woman.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

After seeing this last night on ESPN, we were just waiting for someone to put it on YouTube. ESPN was kind enough to put the video online themselves.

We loved the loosened tie, dimmed lighting atmosphere. Unfortunately, we are all now dumber from listening to this speech. "You're wife just ran off with the drummer"? Lou you can't be serious.

Wonder if Lloyd will put this on before the game.

Lou, let's leave the poetic speeches to Hollywood.

NO HOMO

For some reason a guy that makes out with other dudes has set the industry standard on making it clear you aren't a homo. Everyone here has seen "When Being Real Goes Wrong." Well this is when "No Homo Goes Wrong." Enjoy.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Just hours ago we voiced our concern realety was dead.

Have no fear - Darko is here.

We didn't post his tirade earlier because we thought the translation provided had to be a joke. But now that it's been plastered everywhere, we're just running with it. After Darko's Serbian team lost to Greece, Darko went ape shit and said this according to the AOL Fanhouse:

"I will find the referees, murder them and then [expletive] their daughters."

Take a look for yourself:



With Leather has two other interpretations.

We still find this hard to believe. I mean, wouldn't at least some of the reporters start cracking up and laugh, or at least gasp?

Just because it's Darko, we're gonna give him the benefit of the doubt until we are told otherwise.

WEEZY F. BABY SUED FOR MAKING IT RAIN

It's time like these when being real appears on the verge of extinction.

Lil' Wayne - a.k.a. Weezy F. Baby, Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., Birdman Jr., The Best Rapper Alive - is being sued for, of all things, making it rain.

It'd be one thing if he pulled a Pacman Jones, but this is absurd. From the AP:

"Tyrique Layne was a 17-year-old freshman at Morgan State when she attended the show. According to the lawsuit, someone — either Lil' Wayne or members of his entourage — threw money into the crowd during the rapper's performance, a stunt known as "making it rain."

Layne alleges in the suit, filed Tuesday in Baltimore Circuit Court, that she was trampled, lost consciousness and suffered a "serious closed head injury" that required hospitalization. She has suffered since from memory loss, lapses in concentration and frequent and severe headaches, according to the complaint."

She's suing for $1 million. Typical freshman move, like getting too wasted during Welcome Week and getting your stomach pumped. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

GREATEST PORNO PARODIES OF ALL TIME

There's a lot of creative geniuses in porno films that for some reason or another couldn't hack it in Hollywood. You don't think it chaps their asses when they see studios greenlight "John Tucker Must Die" or "Who's Your Caddy"?

Well it's about time these filmmakers got some respect. Nowhere is their brilliance more evident than the titles of their movies, often rip-offs of box office hits.

As a tribute to their work, we present the Top 10 Porn Parodies of All Time.

Editor's Note: Sadly, Saving Ryan's Privates is not porn, it's a comedy. Otherwise it would certainly be on this list.

10. Starship Poopers
"That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life!"

9. Man on the Poon
No wonder he's smiling...

8. Whore of the Worlds
Enter Paris Hilton joke here.

7. The Bare Wench Project
"No map. No food. No clothes." Brilliant.

6. The Blown Ranger
An old school classic.

5. Saturday Night Beaver
How is the tagline not, "Catch the beaver..."?

4. Edward Penishands
Tim Burton is really kicking himself for not thinking of this.

3. Robocock
Rattner's personal favorite.

2. Drilling Miss Daisy
Let's hope they picked a younger actress to play Miss Daisy.

1. Honey, I Blew Everybody
Wow. You just can't compete with that.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE DIZZLER

We'd take a second to explain who Tony Ding is, but the man's reputation precedes himself. We'll just say he is the finest photog in the history of The Michigan Daily.

Why do we mention this? Because a picture he took during the Appalachian State-Michigan game is the new cover of Sports Illustrated. Take a look:


You don't need us to tell you that having the cover of SI is the Holy Grail of sports photo journalism. What can you say? The man has a magic touch.

Congrats also to former sports staffer Kyle O'Neill, who just started his own blog for the Freep and will do battle with the Daily's evil nemesis, Jim Carty.

THE REAL MANGINIUS: MARK MANGINO

It's nice to see a coach get fired up for a change (keep in mind KU won the game, 52-7):



By the way, who is this Jamie Brown dude running our special teams? His last job was in the Arena League and he's been a high school and college umpire for 11 years. Didn't we learn our lesson from Jim Boccher?

P.S. Honestly, how does a man of Mangino's size wipe his ass? It must be downright impossible...

"IT'S BRITNEY, BITCH"

Has there ever been a greater comeback line?



Britney's back!

APPALANCHE!!!!

I've been busy sunbathing with spider monkeys off the coast of Costa Rica for the past two weeks (Get better soon, Owen Wilson), so I just found out that Michigan lost to Appalachian State. What a relief! Instead of a let down in the middle or end of the season, now we can start all the "Lloyd needs to go" and "Bill Martin/Michigan is complacent" talk right now. All you bitchers and moaners should be happy about that because - and, let's face it - you guys don't want to see Michigan win. Instead of getting to the root of the problem, you'd rather bitch about it. Well, not me. I've spent the last 12 hours doing intense research - making phone calls, watching the game film - and I've pinpointed the only three possible reasons for the Appalanche that destroyed our football program.

Reason #1: Racism

The simple fact is that our coaching staff might be racist. Hasn't everyone noticed that we have trouble with athletic black quarterbacks?? Maybe it's because we underestimate their skill and decision-making ability. I know what you're going to say - "Isn't our defensive coordinator, Ron English, black?" Yes, he is. But that doesn't mean that he along with everyone else on the team isn't racist.


Here's the evidence. What do these quarterbacks all have in common? Kordell Stewart. Brad Banks. Donovan McNabb. Troy Smith. Armanti Edwards. Answer? They're all black. And they've all beaten the crap out of Michigan. Here's some more evidence. Name the last minority Michigan quarterback to start a game. That's right, you can't think of one under the recent coaching staff. Finally, think of the number of minority quarterbacks that we've scared away. That's right - 2 (Jermaine "Juan" Gonzalez and Matt Guttierez).

In fact, we have it from a good source (who we will not name) that the whole Michigan Affirmative Action Supreme Court Case was a mere diversion to take the focus off the stereotypical and outdated mindset of our football team.

What's the solution to all this you ask? The Realests should be hired as the next coaches of the football team. After countless games of NCAA Football on XBox, we've determined exactly how to utilize and stop the black/athletic quarterback. This solution kills two birds with one stone. The Realests get to move back to Ann Arbor and Michigan wins 17 national championships in a row.

Reason #2: The Big Ten Network

Wow, here's a shocker. The Big Ten Network is involved in a bitter battle with cable providers over carrying the channel and in the network's inaugural game we have one of the biggests upsets in college football history??? Is Tim Donaghy the CEO of the Big Ten Network?! This is crap. As always, we've followed the money. There was a strong evidence linking the Vegas betting lines, the IPO of the Big Ten Network, and the referees' decision making in the Appalanche. Maybe Lloyd and Ron English are shareholders in the TV network. We'll investigate further.

Reason #3: Jim Harbaugh


You all know that he's laughing his ass off right now. This is what he wanted. He stuck it to us for our academic standards because he thought that we had superior athletes. Now he can talk shit about us sucking on the field too. We traced the cell phone records and found that the ear piece in Armanti Edwards helmet was actually a direct line to Jim Harbaugh's cell phone. Coincidence? Hardly. Harbaugh's been salivating over the Michigan job for years and he sensed an opportunity to bring us down by selling our playbook to Appalachian State. What a jerk.

Luckly, we've got a solution if this turns out to be true. Hire Jim Harbaugh.

(Oh, and in the course of our investigatory journalism we also found out that Bill Martin is Ed Martin. Wrap your head around that Big Blue Nation.)

SATURDAY'S SILVER LINING

This is a special moment for The Realests.

A single tear rolled down my face after seeing what Tony Ding sent me: pictures of The Claw, alive and well.

Note: You won't be able to tell it's The Claw without clicking on the picture. Also, we've taken the liberty of highlighting the people with textbook form and spotted the haters still doing The Chop (For the last time, this isn't Florida State, people!).

It appears this is the only part of Michigan football not in shambles right now. Go ahead and take that claw and give yourself a scratch on the back...

APPALACHIAN STATE WON'T GO AWAY

We said immediately after Saturday's game that Appalachian State will haunt you for the rest of your life, but this is getting ridiculous.

As if it isn't bad enough to be on ESPNews every 5 minutes (with a Jim Carty interview, no less!) and in our nightmares, Michigan fans are even reminded how shitty we are during crappy Adam Sandler movies.

As Little Bird pointed out while watching "The Longest Yard" yesterday, there's a scene where even Sandler rips the Mounties:

Sandler: All right. Relatively simple. You need a tune-up game.

Other Dude: A tune-up game?

Sandler: Yeah. In college, we'd start every season against Appalachian State or some slack Division II team. Kick the living shit out of them. Get their confidence up.

Will the torture ever end???

FAREWELL TO MICHIGAN FOOTBALL

R.I.P. Michigan Football

May 30, 1879 - September 1, 2007
You're dead to me, boy... You're more dead to me than your dead mother...

WORST FEELING EVER

Michigan just lost to Appalachian State. Let's get this out before we pour tapioca pudding all over our faces:

We are the laughingstock of college football.

This will replace Chaminade over Virginia as the biggest upset ever in college sports.

We will never live this down. When you tell people you went to Michigan, people will make fun of you for the rest of your life because of this game.

This is Lloyd's legacy. They might as well erase the '97 title because all he will be remembered for is this.

Donovan Warren already announced he is transferring to USC.

Gingell just took Jamar Adams' safety position.

This is the biggest disgrace in the history of the state of Michigan.

This can't be real.


Just keep doing this to yourself...

"ROSS" ON SUICIDE WATCH

We heard about this a couple days ago, but it didn't really sink in until we saw it on YouTube. Fast-forward to 1:20 left on the clip. Yikes Ross. That guy is definitely reading don't-kill-myself books right now.

FRIDAY NIGHT GAME NOTES

A couple notes while watching the Washington-Syracuse game on ESPN:

- How desperate are we for college football that we're watching Washington-Syracuse on ESPN?

- Those new Syracuse helmets? Bleh. They can keep changing the unis, but the results are going to stay the same as long as Greg Robinson is there.

- Touchdown Washington!!! Man, seeing Ty Will giving 'em the finger will never get old. We know, we know - it's hard for it to get old when it never happens...

- Not to go all Bill O'Reilly on 50 Cent, but there is something really wrong about him doing the Saturday Night Football intro song when was just on a track with Yayo, who said "I’ll put the tek to you n***as; Virginia Tech you n***as."

- Not enough is being made of Western Kentucky's first game in Division IA (or whatever it's called) being against Florida. Seriously, with 120 teams now, if you want to enter D-IA, you should have to play the national champs at home as your first game. We can call it "The Buttfuck Rule."

- Oh yeah. Go Blue!

PHIL KNIGHT IS AN EVIL DICTATOR

Phil Knight must be stopped. Not from sweat-shop labor and children working in textile factories and iron smelts, but from ruining uniforms forever.

Knight annihilated his alma mater last year, with this disastrous four-uniform, three-helmet attack (left). Not satisfied, he also designed a new redonkulous helmet for the Ducks before their appearance in the Las Vegas Bowl (right):



This season, Knight has destroyed what was left of the state by introducing the bro/manzier look at Oregon State (left) and dropping acid while designing Portland State's new helmet (right):



Thankfully, Michigan is ditching Nike for Adidas after this year. The question is: Will it be too late?

(Note: A big thanks to Paul Lukas' Uni Watch, which boggles the mind with the amount of research put into each piece)

TIGA, TIGA WOODS Y'ALL!

Do yourself a favor. Click play on the first video then immediately click play on the second video. The syncing is amazing.





What's up with Eldrick showing some personality? Gee, it only took ten years for Tiger to recover from the GQ debacle in 1997 for making dirty jokes. Maybe in another ten years, he'll be swapping Polish slurs on the course with Sergio Garcia.

CHEERS TO BEING A DOUCHE BAG

Seriously, we know we use this line to much. But when we find out Jason Wahler from "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills" is getting married, all we can think to ourselves is: "WHERE COULD HE FIND SOMEONE SO.... BEEFHEADED?!?!?!"

Apparently, you can them on the USC tennis team because Wahler is engaged to sophomore Trojan tennis player, Katja Decker-Sadowski. From People:

Wahler, 20, popped the question to Decker-Sadowski, 19, during a housewarming party at their shared Los Angeles home, with friends—including former flame Lauren Conrad—looking on.

Wait, they are already living together? What the hell is wrong with parents in L.A.???

Let's see here - according to this, she just turned 19-years old. And we still can't tell if she's hot, or just blond. This photo just confuses us more.

Her family must be ecstatic she's about to get married to someone fresh out of rehab and with FOUR drinking-related arrests in the last year (seriously, that's a Willie Williams pace right there).

And that whole Talan-Kimberly Stewart engagement didn't work out too well.

Wait, are we jealous?

KUDOS TO KAREN HOLBROOK

Unfortunately for Karen Holbrook, we've already handed out the Realest of the Week award. The good news is that anytime someone rips Ohio State, especially one of the school's former presidents, they will always have a home on The Realests.

While interviewing for a job as the president of Florida Gulf Coast University (further proof that having "THE Ohio State University" on your resume doesn't get you anywhere), Holbrook had this say say about Bucknuts:

"When you win a game, you riot. When you lose a game, you riot. When spring comes, you riot. African-American Heritage Festival weekend, you riot..."

"They think it's fun to flip cars, to really have absolute drunken orgies... I don't want to be at a place that has this kind of culture as a norm."

Actually the drunken orgies kind of sound fun... just kidding! Anyway, Holbrook is taking a lot of heat for her comments, which is absurd. I mean what could possibly give her that impression of tOSU???

TOP 10 COLLEGE FOOTBALL FANS

Normally, we are strictly opposed to recycling our own material. But I spent a lot of time on this article about the Top 10 Fans in College Football. So in this case, you'll take our recyclables and like it!

And no, even the hard hat frat dudes weren't enough to get Michigan on the list.


You are a huge nerd.

INTRODUCING: HELL RELL

Forget the much-hyped LP showdown between Kanye West and 50 Cent on Sept. 11 (although we wouldn't mind seeing 50 retire...). The date everyone should be circling on their calendar is Sept. 25, when Hell Rell's debut "For The Hell of It" hits shelves.

Just check out the cover of this soon-to-be masterpiece.



What can we say, folks? Gold fronts are out, bullets for teeth are in. The Diplomats have done it again!

P.S. We are contacting our dentists immediately!

REALEST OF THE WEEK

We're not gonna dooooo what you think we're gonna dooooo and just name Miss South Carolina - Lauren Caitlin - the Realest of the Week. However we will stop to acknowledge the fact this girl is representing the same state Ken Wall grew up in, which explains a lot. In case you didn't know, he's still embarrassed about getting held back in 1st grade for trouble with the English language.

Or possibly the giant inflatable Atlanta Falcon who merked Pop Warner football players at halftime of this week's Monday Night Football game (all credit to The Dude on that one).

But the ROW is reserved for a young lady even more special than Miss South Carolina, known to as simply as "Ashley." As you can see from this footage during a Toronto Argonauts game a couple weeks back, Ashley might also have rocks for brains, but she's also got a lot of heart.

I think it's safe to say Ashley won't be playing "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" at her birthday party anytime soon.

By the way, Canadians are slowly creeping up on the Japanese as the craziest bastards alive.

Note: Make sure you check out the reverse angle slow-motion replay. Brilliant!

IT'S GETTING HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP

We're getting real tired of decent American tennis players dating hot chicks.

It was one thing for Andy Roddick to hook up with Mandy Moore (he is currently dating Maria Sharapova). At least he's won a Grand Slam. But this James Blake character really pushes our buttons.

For a guy that's never even won anything of importance, the amount of ass this guy pulls in is ridiculous.

His old flame was former USF volleyball star Jennifer Scholle (left). After that fizzled out, he's reportedly picked up USA soccer player Heather Mitts (right). Don't get us started on her old boyfriend, A.J. Feeley. Seriously girl, you gotta start raising your standards!



Seriously, these kind of hot chicks should be reserved for Tiger Woods, Tom Brady and.... well, that's about it.

Oh well, at least we have a reason to look forward to the U.S. Open now.

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Here's a clip of IFL fighter Ben Rothwell pummeling a fat kid that looks like Andy Milanokis. Who says MMA isn't a sport?

HERBIE NOT FULLY LOADED

We'll always call Kirk Herbstreit a homer (especially after putting Steve Breaston on blast late last year for no reason), but no one knows more about college football than Herbie.

Unfortunately, after reading his 7th Annual Herbie Awards, ESPN's lead college football analyst apparently has some offseason rust.

In it, Herbstreit lists Rutgers' Eric Foster as the 6th best inside linebacker in the country AND the 6th best defensive tackle (Note: Many scouts predict Foster will become a LB at the pro level, but to list him as one is blatantly wrong). Woah, Ms. Lippy. Did Eric Foster clone himself in the offseason?

No biggie, Kirk. Most Buckeye fans probably wouldn't be able to spell his name, so kudos for that.

DREW HENSON GETS CUT - AGAIN

We've been dreading this day since the Freep ran a dismal feature on Drew Henson a few weeks ago. Drew Henson has been cut by the Minnesota Vikings.

In competition with Coastal Carolina rookie Tyler Thigpen, an option quarterback in college, Henson couldn't snag the third-string spot on a depth chart with Tarvaris Jackson and Brooks Bollinger at the top.

What's next? It's hard to say, but considering Childress was basically doing Henson a favor, it's hard to believe anyone else would give him a chance. Henson can't even turn to NFL Europe anymore with that league folded. All that's left is the CFL or Arena ball, which no Michigan Man would ever take part of.

The only viable option we see left is for Drew to head home and set up a sporting goods store in Brighton. Hey, it could be worse... right?

MOTOWN PHILLY BACK AGAIN

I had the privilege to take in a Philadelphia Phillies game at Citizens Bank Park last night. After spending just 3 hours with them, Phillie fans will always have special place in my heart.

Despite throwing just 84 pitches, Charlie "Mumbles" Manuel decides to take Kyle Lohse out in the 6th inning with Philly up, 2-1. Like everyone else in the stadium, we just waited for the decision to blow up in Manuel's face.

As soon as Flash Gordon gave up a solo shot to Milton Bradley, boos were raining down from the stands and people were calling for Manuel's head (prodded along by us, of course).

I'm especially proud of stirring up the fans with this gem: "HOW ON EARTH DID WE END UP WITH A MANAGER SO BEEFHEADED?!?!??!"

I haven't seen a fan-base turn on its team that fast since the St. Louis Rams "faithful" mercilessly booed their own team during the 2004 NFC Divisional Playoffs against Carolina.

We thought it couldn't get any better. That is, until Brett Myers ran out of the bullpen in the ninth inning to P.O.D.'s "Light's Out".

"Hey, isn't that the guy who beat his wife?" asked a friend.

Before we had a chance to answer, Kevin Kouzmanoff was in the middle of crushing one out of the park. The last 15 minutes were spent mercilessly booing Myers and Manuel, while commenting on how - at that very moment - Mrs. Myers was hurrying to get the kids in the car for an "emergency trip to Grandma's" on the Jersey shore.

As if the night wasn't complete, we wake up to find this exchange between Myers and Philly Inquirer reporter Sam Carchidi (pretty ballsy to ask a known rageaholic to spell retarded for you). If you get a chance, please e-mail Sam for a job well done.

THE END FOR DAVID BOSTON?

Hard to believe David Boston is just 29-years-old. It's been four years since Boston went apeshit on the league, totaling 98 catches for nearly 1,600 yards and 8 TD (Cough... steroids... cough, cough...).

Though, we'll always remember him for getting owned by Charles Woodson in the '97 Ohio State-Michigan game.

Boston was busted for a DUI in Tampa after he "was found slumped over the steering wheel of a red Range Rover on Thursday evening, police said.

The SUV was running and in drive. An officer woke up Boston, who said he was headed to Tampa International Airport."

Smooth Dave. Real smooth.

TWO HAWKEYES ABOUT TO BE JAIL BIRDS

Pop Quiz: What's the first thing you do after getting busted for running a credit card scam?

A: Take down the pictures of you and your boy flashing big face huns on your Facebook account:



Iowa receivers Dominique Douglas (right) and Anthony Bowman (left) didn't make that connection in time.

Well, that's one less game we need to worry about Morgan Trent...

Note: Incredible find from the boys over at The Hawkeye Compulsion.

Late Addition: Speaking of facebook, Marques Slocum really didn't help our defense of athletes' diplomas.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

I'll spare you the "YouTube is the greatest invention ever" speech and just present this montage of late Brazilian soccer referee "Margarida" (Portugese for "daisy" and real name Jorge José Emiliano dos Santos), who looks more like a magical sprite than a ref.

What can you say? The guy was really, really... gay.


Note: A tip of the cap to Sports Rumblings for the discovery and to whoever put together this masterpiece.

WR LEAVES "U" TO DEAL CRACK FULL-TIME

Note to Miami President Donna Shalala: Don't let Randy Shannon speak to the press.

With the Hurricanes' move to Dolphins Stadium becoming national news, another curious decision in Coral Gables has gone completely unnoticed. From the Miami Herald:

Redshirt freshman wide receiver George Robinson has left the Hurricanes.

Coach Randy Shannon said Robinson left the team to pursue another career opportunity.

Another career opportunity? Oh, you mean dealing crack...

Seriously, what legitimate career opportunity does a teenage college dropout come across in Miami?

Come on, coach - is this the best you can come up with? Let's hope Coach Shannon gets his shit squared away before the first player from "The U" gets arrested under his watch, which should be any day now.

And yes, this is now a blog dedicated to the University of Miami.

GOODBYE TO THE O.B.?

It's a sad day for college football fans everywhere, as the Miami Herald is reporting the University of Miami will vote on Tuesday to move from the Orange Bowl to Dolphins Stadium. With no further use, it's only a matter of time until the dump is demolished.

Affectionately known as The O.B., we'd like to bid fairwell to this cesspool by counting down the 10 Greatest Moments in O.B. History:

10. Scott Bentley's National Title FG: Considering FSU's history, this might have been the most clutch kick in college football - ever. The win gave Bobby Bowden his first national championship, which also makes this the worst moment in O.B. history.

9. "Wide Left": Yeah, it was a great game. But the media beat us over the head with, "Get it? They always miss wide right? But this time it was wide left!" Yeah, we got it.

8. Jackie "Stonehaven" Smith: Like #10, also a candidate for the worst moment in Orange Bowl history. Well it was certainly memorable. With a chance to tie Super Bowl XIII with under two minutes left, Smith had the biggest drop in NFL history. The result? This.

7. Lynn's Swann-Like Catch: Can you name one Super Bowl clip before this involving a pass? We didn't think so.

6. "Wide Right III": The game that put Miami back on the map. Have we mentioned how much we hate Florida State?

5. Kellen Winslow Sr. Carried Off The Field: Considered one of the greatest games in NFL history, Winslow was so dehydrated he had to be carried off the field after "The Epic in Miami." Some people still accuse him of grandstanding. If that's the case, Winslow sold us.

4. Kellen Winslow Jr.'s "I'm a F*ckin' Solider!" Speech: To this day, we have no idea what the hell K2 was talking about. Who cares? Not only did he make an ass of himself, this is when the phrase "The U" really caught on. This clip doesn't even include Winslow saying to the media, "Go make your money off that" and a reporter responding, "Oh, we will." Truly a classic.



3. Joe Namath Running Off Field At Super Bowl III: One of the most famous images in NFL history, yet nowhere to be found on Google Images. We never liked you Steve Sabol.

2. Lamar Thomas: "You Don't Come In The O.B. Playin' That Stuff!": Like K2, this is the incoherent rambling of a mad man - and we love it. Poor Lamar was the scapegoat for this fiasco while Brandon Meriweather got suspended one game for stomping on FIU players.



1. Flutie's Hail Mary: Ah, Flutie to Phalen. We have nothing to add to this:

HOLY COW! THEISMANN MUNCHES ON BOX

And to think two years ago, these guys were ESPN's lead broadcasting team for Sunday Night Football.

While watching the Redskins game on Saturday, I couldn't believe my ears: "Did Mike Patrick just say Joe Theismann likes to munch on box?" Without a TiVo available, I thought my question would go unanswered for all eternity. Once again YouTube has come to the rescue.

Papa John's will never taste the same...

ANOTHER REASON BEING AN S.I.D. SUCKS

This video's been almost everywhere, but with just 13 days left until college football arrives, we are chomping at the bit for any Gameday footage.

As if an SID's life isn't miserable enough, Sascha Baron Cohen tricked the 'Bama SID into asking Shaud Williams about taking it in the pooper, presumably in 2003. In his defense, Cohen probably sent the credential request through HBO which is pure genius.

Still, you gotta wonder if that guy still has his job...

OK, THIS IS GETTING PATHETIC

Suing Michael Vick for $63 billion? Badass. Suing Hank Aaron's bat? Not so much.

Hey buddy, maybe you should spend less time writing lawsuits and more time protecting your asshole.

I'M A SUH-VI-VUH!

Man, that looks painful (but you gotta give B props for hoppin' back up and continuing to head bang):



You know what looks more painful? This:



We're The Realests. Never forget it.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

People keep asking us, "Whatever happened to the Realest of the Week?" To which we respond, "Whatever happened to people being real?"

South Carolina inmate Jonathan Lee Riches decided to do something about it and sued Michael Vick for $63 billion.

Bravo to you, good sir!

SCREW MADDEN - WHERE'S GLANVILLE '08?

After seeing this clip, it's a real wonder Jerry Glanville's Pigskin Footbrawl (1990) never got off the ground like Madden NFL did. Who knew there wasn't a market for Vikings and trolls running up and down a battlefield with a football, punching each other in the face? Uncle Jerry still seems confused by its failure.

By the way, don't waste your time Googling Glanville's whereabouts. He's the new coach at I-AA Portland State. Nice shades.

***Warning: Watching more than 30 seconds of this game at a time is likely to result in an epileptic seizure.***

CORRECTION - OH BABY!!!!!

In an earlier post about the Rucker Park MC, we mistakenly identified him as MC Hannibal. His name is actually Duke Tango. We are jackasses.

SPENCER PRATT: COOL AS CHLAMYDIA

With the debut of The Hills: Season 3 last night on MTV and Spencer's proposal to Heidi, we thought it'd be a perfect time to dig up a great article on our road dogs Spencer & Brody.

This piece ran a long time ago in Details and got major pub, but there still a lot of people I run into that aren't familiar with it. What's supposed to be a feature on Jenner turns into Pratt looking like a shit bag. There are too many notable quotes to put them all in here, so we'll just leave you with one:

“This whole scene, this whole town—it’s all so fake. It’s like a movie set, like my life is a movie set. These people, they all think this is real, but it’s not. I wanna meet a girl who has nothing to do with L.A., a nice, normal, real girl. Actually, you know, that’s gonna be a component of our new MTV show—me leaving L.A. to meet a normal girl. It might be hard, though, with all the cameras.”

Process that shit, bro.

REAL NBA QUOTES

We live in a world where everything has been reduced down to a single sound bite. If you can't get your point across in one witty sentence, you might as well keep your piehole shut. Movie and TV studios pay writers millions of dollars a year to come up with witty taglines and dialogue that will stick around in the cultural zeitgeist.

Live together, die alone. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom. Very niiiiice. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.

Of course, these are great lines. But if you want spontaneous hilarity without paying for it? Well, just go up to an NBA player and ask him a question. The mix of money, swag, and a complete lack of humility (and often times, common sense) provides the setup for a perfect quote. We realize that we're missing a ton of quotes (so feel free to add them in the comments) but here are our Top 10 Realest NBA quotes:

1. Kevin Garnett - On getting ready for Game 7 of the Western Conference Semis..."This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher. I'm ready for war."
2. Antoine Walker - On why he shoots so many 3's..."Because there are no fours."
3. Latrell Sprewell - On why he held turned down a $14.6 million contract extension..."Why would I want to help them win a title? They're not doing anything for me. I've got a lot at risk here. I've got my family to feed.
4. Rasheed Wallace - On meeting George Bush after winning the 2004 title..."I don’t have shit to say to him. I didn’t vote for him. It’s just something we have to do."
5. Mike James - On free agency..."I'm just tired of being treated like a cheap prostitute."
6. Karl Malone - On dunking..."What excites me the most is when a coach calls a timeout and chews out his forward because I just dunked on his head."
7. Ricky Davis - On dunking on Steve Nash while kicking him in the head..."Oh shit! Oh shit!"
8. Dikembe Mutombo - On soliciting women to have sex with Mutombo..."Who wants to sex Mutombo?!?"
9. Rasheed Wallace - On crap-ass Darko Milicic..."I'm telling you, Darko is a Serbian gangster. Darko's got some bodies back there. He can go psycho on guys."
10. Charles Barkley - Mocking Vince Carter's injuries and his "Half-man, half-amazing" nickname..."That's Vince Carter for you. Half-man, half a season"
    

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO TODD STINKSTON?

Shocking news out of the nation's capital today: The Redskins have signed former Eagles receiver Todd Pinkston (Len Pasquarelli rejoice!), best known for his infamous act of cowardice in 2005 (see below). As many times as people write Pinkston was ducking Sean Taylor, he was actually spooked by Ryan Clark - which is even more pathetic.

Considering this guy played opposite T.O. in Philly, it's pretty hard to believe he hasn't appeared in an NFL game since Super Bowl XXXIX. Yikes!

As for the Redskins, this move doesn't make a lot of sense. Yeah, Brandon Lloyd "Banks" is an extremely weak No. 2 receiver, but surely Pinkston isn't the answer.

To be quite honest, we wonder if defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was behind this move and just plans on using Pinkston as a rag doll for Sean "The Don" Taylor for the rest of training camp.

Let's hope Pinkston has insurance...

SHANE BATTIER: OFFICIALLY WHITE

We've been poking fun at Shane Battier's whiteness for years now, but the former Dukie has taken it to a whole new level with this YouTube clip of him doing country karaoke:



Sugar Shane has now catapulted over Wayne Brady as the second-whitest black person in America:

5. Kevin Frazier: How can a self-respecting man work for ET?
4. Richard Jefferson: Ugh, we hate that bubble tattoo!
3. Wayne Brady: Was #1 until he made this
2. Shane Battier: Sorry Shane, we got nothing but love for you
1. Michael Jackson: Boo!

DREW HENSON'S 2 LEGIT 2 QUIT

It's time for our annual Drew Henson update!

Thanks to the Freep, we got an inside look at Vikings training camp today, where Henson is battling against Coastal Carolina rookie Tyler Thigpen for a roster spot (In case you were wondering, the starting QB job is up for grabs between Tarvaris Jackson and Brooks Bollinger, who couldn't hold Henson's jock strap in college).

The lead - describing Henson in a recent practice - is a little painful to read:

"The first spiral wobbled through the hot, thick air, slightly off its axis. The second ball wasn't even a spiral. It hurtled on a wayward arc like a sack of potatoes, or a tossed goat, spinning end over end, before it bounced awkwardly on the grass beyond the sidelines, at least 15 yards from the closest receiver."

It's nice to see Drew is still in good spirits during what must seem like a never-ending nightmare for the former Wolverine/Yankee/Cowboy.

Keep your fingers crossed Henson can beat out this Thigpen character. Of course, after we mocked Henson's competition last year at this time, the guy turned out to be a Pro Bowler.

Just Drew's luck...

G-UNOT!

After claiming he worshiped the "late profit" Mohammed Atta following Sept. 11, I thought a rapper as dumb as Juelz Santana only came along once in a lifetime.

That is until G-Unit's latest masterpiece "We On Some Shit" - where Tony Yayo drops this bomb:

"I’ll put the tek to you n***as; Virginia Tech you n***as."

I mean, seriously. Imagine if Yayo was an athlete. This would be the Michael Vick dogfighting story times 10. This would be on the level of the "Jerome Bettis is from Detroit" story on Super Bowl week. Instead, this goes completely unnoticed except for a couple hip-hop blogs putting him on blast.

Ridiculous.

Hey Yayo: What's next, beating up 14-year old kids? Oh wait...

IS TOM BRADY REALLY THE FATHER?

Holy mackerel, Bridget Moynahan is huge!!!

Going into her 33rd month of pregnancy (seriously, when is this kid gonna pop out already?), we find it very suspicious that the child is in the shape of a football, as seen in today's New York Post.

Tom might want to slap Bridge with a paternity test to make sure the dad isn't actually Super Bowl XLII's Spike the Super Ball, the Shawn Kemp of mascots and our personal nemesis.


How many bastard children do you have Spike?!

CONGRATS TO RICK ANKIEL

If you didn't get a chance to see Rick Ankiel's homer last night in his triumphant return to the majors, do yourself a favor and check out this clip:



When Ankiel announced he was making a comeback as an outfielder in the spring of 2005, people either shook their heads in shame for the kid or laughed their asses off (count us in the latter department). Most recently, we gave Ankiel a #4 seed in our "Who's Not" tournament to determine the exact opposite of the total sports star.

But we gotta say: Making in to the big leagues as a pitcher, going all the way back to Single A ball and then returning as an outfielder? That's impressive.

Tony LaRussa said it was the happiest moment he's had as Cards manager aside from winning the World Series and almost broke down in tears. Meanwhile, Ankiel's agent is probably waking up to calls from half of Hollywood for the movie rights. And finally, the man who's been dodging interviews for about seven years now, we even saw Rick Ankiel laugh - if only for a split second.

It's your world Rick. We're just a couple of squirrels trying to get a nut.

DOWN WITH L.A. RAG MAG

Let us start off by saying we normally don't address internet rumors.

But the latest gossip coming out of L.A. is so salicious we feel obligated to respond.

Via the AOL Fanhouse, the most recent pathetic celebrity blog - L.A. Rag Mag - is "reporting" that Jessica Alba has genital herpes... and got it from none other than The Captain, Derek Jeter:

Jessica Alba (before she was Jessica Alba) used to date Derek Jeter, the serial celebrity dater, who plays for the NY Yankees. Well, our source who worked for one of their camps, had to refill her Valtrex prescription for her on a regular basis! Guess who she got it from…that’s right… dirty Derek Jeter.

This might be the most vicious celebrity gossip since it was rumored Richard Gere went to the hospital after sticking a gerbil up his ass.

Let's hope this ends in a multi-million dollar lawsuit and Jessica remains in the spank bank where she belongs.