"Big Fat Pussy": A Tom Hanks Favorite

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Somehow it has gone completely unnoticed that Tom Hanks said the words "BIG FAT PUSSY" on national TV.

For those that don't know: While appearing on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" to plug "The Da Vinci Code" several weeks ago (I just saw the re-run last night), Hanks started talking about how the kind of beer you drink while in England defines the type of person you are.

That's when Tom decided to drop this gem:

"Yeah... Because I think that a guy that orders a pilsner is essentially a big fat pussy."

Unsatisfied, Hanks then repeated it under his breath: "A... big... fat... pussy".

The audience's reaction is priceless. Instead of laughing, there is one collective gasp. You know, a big "Did Tom Hanks just say pussy?"

Apparently, Tom Hanks really likes this phrase, as he was also quoted in this 1998 New Yorker article as calling a former character he played (Sherman McCoy in the 1990 film "The Bonfire of the Vanities") a "big fat pussy".

What's with this obsession, Tom?



VS.

THE 'M'ISERABLE 10

With the end finally in sight, it’s time to face the facts: This season in Michigan sports made us want to claw our faces off. So we decided to re-live it all by counting down the 10 most irritating and pathetic moments in Wolverine athletics. And trust us, it was a real challenge to limit this to ten moments.

With no disrespect to other lackluster seasons (women’s basketball, hockey), football and men’s basketball competed at a level other Michigan sports couldn’t touch. Without further adieu:

10. AIR GEORGIA

Sport: Basketball
Date: March 30th
Opponent: South Carolina (NIT Finals)
Skinny: While getting spanked by South Carolina in the 2nd half of the NIT Finals, Brent Petway decided to show us some of that hot shit he displayed a game earlier against Old Dominion. Instead of reappearing on Sportscenter’s “Top 10”, Petway loses his grip and completely airballs the dunk.
Result: Lost, 76-64

9. TAKIN’ A DUMP
Sport: Football
Date: September 10th
Opponent: Notre Dame
Skinny: Down 7 with less than a minute remaining, it’s 4th and 15 from our own 37 yard line. Instead of tossing it deep, Chad Henne decides to dump the ball off to Tyler Ecker for the (insert random number) time of the game. Oh, and the pass was incomplete (note that end-of-game situations are a theme in this countdown…)
Result: Lost, 17-10

8. UGLY, TY
Sport: Football
Date: November 19th
Opponent: Ohio State
Skinny: With Michigan trailing by four, Tyler Ecker catches the ball near midfield with just seconds remaining on the clock. Instead of getting out of bounds for one last play, Ecker turns it upfield in an attempt to take it to the house through the entire Ohio State secondary. Time runs out after he is tackled and Michigan losses to OSU for the 4th time in 5 years.
Result: Lost, 25-21

7. “...OFF THE MICHIGAN SCOREBOARD...”
Sport: Basketball
Date: March 4th
Opponent: Indiana
Skinny: Trailing by 3, Graham Brown appears to try and re-enact the Jordan-Bird McDonald's ads by chucking the ball off the Crisler scoreboard, resulting Michigan’s 24th turnover of the day. Not exactly Grant Hill to Christian Laettner…
Result: Lost, 69-67

6. ASS-TROTURF
Sport: Football
Date: September 24th
Opponent: Wisconsin
Skinny: Rolling out on the final play against Wisconsin for a Hail Mary, Chad Henne slips on the wet Field Turf and ends the game ceremoniously by falling on his ass.
Result: Lost, 23-20

5. STRIPTEASE

Sport: Basketball
Date: March 9th
Opponent: Minnesota
Skinny: After Michigan just turned the ball over twice for easy lay-ups, Dion Harris allows the ball to literally get ripped out of his hands for an easy transition basket. At this point, the whole team seems to say, “Fuck it”, and the Wolverines miss out on the NCAA Tournament for the 8th straight year.
Result: Lost, 59-55

4. ‘D’-SASTER
Sport: Basketball
Date: March 4th
Opponent: Indiana
Skinny: With under a minute left and the game tied, Dion Harris inexplicably fouls Earl Calloway in the backcourt after a Michigan miss. Calloway hits one of the free throws to put Indiana ahead for good.
Result: Lost, 69-67

3. TOUCH!!!… BACK?!?!

Sport: Football
Date: September 10th
Opponent: Notre Dame
Skinny: Down two touchdowns with under six minutes left, Michigan is 1st and Goal from the 1-yard line. Instead of just getting stuffed on a simple quarterback sneak, Chad Henne loses possession and 20 yards of field position in a split second by fumbling the ball into the end zone. Big Blue nation utters the first "Only fuckin' Michigan" of the young season.
Result: Lost, 17-10

2. THE JUG-ULAR

Sport: Football
Date: October 8th
Opponent: Minnesota
Skinny: With their starting quarterback (Bryan Cupito) out with an injury and facing 3rd and 10 from their own 26 yard line, Minnesota decides to play for overtime with 1:30 remaining in the game. Gary Russell heads to the right side, waits for Michigan’s players to fall over themselves, and takes off for a 61-yard run to the Michigan 13 yard line. Minnesota ends up kicking a field goal to win it.
Result: Lost, 23-20

1. REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

Sport: Football
Date: December 28th
Opponent: Nebraska
Skinny: Some people say it was almost one of the greatest plays in college football history. We call it a fitting ending to a disastrous season, looking like ass clowns and not being able to beat a team that stopped playing altogether.
Result: Lost, 32-28

Raunchy Chauncey!

In the wake of a miserable Game 4 comes this...

It consistently amazes us how people once charges with major crimes can beat bad raps. We've seen it before our very eyes with guys like R. Kelly, Kobe and Marv Albert. But one person we didn't realize this tag applied to was the Pistons' own Chauncey Billups.

Here is an excerpt from an article in the Boston Herald in 2000, right after Chauncey Billups was a member of the Celtics.

Here is a link to the article but beware, it isn't free...

If you would like even more information, here is a copy of the lawsuit.

Note (and a correction from earlier): the Michael Irvin they mention is NOT the Dallas Cowboys' WR, although this guy sure sounds like The Playmaker to us....

Celtics captain Antoine Walker claims he lost lucrative endorsements after a woman wrongfully accused him of letting his friend and teammates rape her at his Waltham condo. In recently unsealed court documents, Walker also sues his former teammates, Chauncey Billups and Ron Mercer, arguing if he is found liable for the alleged Nov. 9, 1997 assault, they should be forced to reimburse him.

The papers, made public by Judge Richard Stearns at the Herald's request, also reveal lurid new details of the unnamed woman's charges against the players and Walker's roommate, Michael Irvin.Walker knew the men were "pulling a train" on the woman - that is, lining up for sex with her, the woman alleged in her civil suit. He, the complaint alleges, appeared in Irvin's room dressed only in gym shorts, and saw the group - the woman with three men "laughing and joking around about having sex" with her.Irvin asked Walker, "Don't you want some?" the woman alleges. Walker replied, "I just got through with someone in the next room," she charges.

Stay away from anyone named Michael Irvin...

RESPECT THE 'M'

Unbelievable. The Michigan baseball team bounced back after losing its first game in the BTT to win the whole damn thing. We can't give enough credit to Rich Maloney, who has pulled a Gary Barnett "Return to Dominance" without the strippers and sexual coercion (we think...)

And on a side note, don't get me started on how bad the softball team got screwed in the NCAA Tournament seeding. The fact that Northwestern is in the WCWS and we are not is a shame. Still, hats off to the slappers on a great season and of course to Jennie Ritter, who just closed out the greatest career in Michigan softball history...


I'm Rich, Bitch!

'M' Nine Survives

After nearly melting down, Michigan hung on to beat Minnesota, 11-9. That sets the BTT Championship game tomorrow at noon. Great win for the nine and to make it even better, in the closing moments I saw a student with a "Buck the Fuckeyes" shirt on ;)

If you are in Ann Arbor, there really is no excuse not to be at The Fish tomorrow at noon. Go Blue.

And by the way, we are thinking of adopting this as our logo...

Update on 'M' Nine

It's my lucky day, as we are currently taking in the feed of the Michigan-Minnesota baseball game. The 4th inning just came to a close with Big Blue up 9-4. The Blue Bombers just scored 6 runs, spraying the ball all over the field.

We don't want to make any assumptions, but it appears we are headed for a winner-takes-all Big Ten Tournament championship game tomorrow at noon. Stay tuned...

Craig "Ironhead" Heyward Passes Away

Sadly, "Ironhead" Heyward has passed away... although there is no story about his death, there is a release on Pitt's website with Dave Wannstedt speaking about his passing. An icon during his time, Ironhead's popularity exploded with his Zest bodywash commercials with classic lines such as "Hey Ironhead, what's with this thingy?!"

Even more depressing, according to Wikipedia, Ironhead had been living with a brain tumor since last year...

If you don't remember the commercial, here is a valiant effort to recreate it on YouTube:

'M' SOFTBALL ON THE ROPES

After a hard-fought comeback, the Michigan softball team lost to Tennessee, 5-3 today. Game 2 is set for tomorrow, with a loss eliminating Michigan from the NCAA Tournament. Obviously, there is no need to hit the panic button - Michigan lost Game 1 of the Championship series with UCLA last year before rallying to win the title.

But let me take this opportunity to point out how Michigan got screwed in the seeding. Seeded 9th enterting the tournament, the Wolverines have to go through Knoxville to get to Oklahoma City. Now, somehow Northwestern is a No. 4 seed.

Someone tell me that how that works.

Their records are almost identical (Michigan 43-13, Northwestern 45-13) and Michigan just went into Evanston and crushed the Wildcats for the Big Ten Tournament title. Yet, it is Northwestern with the home-field advantage all the way to the WCWS?


"Respect the 'M', bitches..."

Coming Soon: 'M' Bottom 10

With Michigan sports almost at their completion, we've decided to take a look back at a year that, well, made us want to claw our faces off. We'll be reviewing the top 10 moments that made us want to scream and wonder once more why we put up with it all.


Sorry Tyler, but expect your name to be called on more than one occassion...

Nads Follow-Up

As decided by our readers weeks ago, the Rhode Island School of Design was deemed to have the greatest nickname in college sports: the Nads. Today, our friends over at Deadspin got wind of this story and blogged about it themselves.

While the shock of this nickname has now worn off, Deadspin's editors introduced us to the team mascot, Scrotie. Needless to say, the Nads have put a complete stranglehold on their title....

Remember: This is where Seth is headed in the O.C. Are Nad jokes their attempt at saving the show???

OHIO STATE'S FINEST

Pass along to any Ohio State fan you know....

De-troit Basket-fall....

With the Cavaliers out of the playoffs, I've turned my attention to cheering against the Pistons. I must say, not satisfied with Detroit folding up in Game 1, there's a lot of finger-pointing going on in the D. First, people have been ripping Flip Saunders and his "fake bake" a new one. Then Drew Sharp did the unthinkable: questioned Ben Wallace's effort.

It'll be interesting to see how things turn out tonight....

Hidden Messages on 24?!

From the NY Post:

On a scrap of paper - seen so briefly on TV it could only be read by eagle-eyed viewers who had posted the screen on the Internet - a seemingly random group of letters spells out "Jack is dead." ...

Also, the numbers 3105973781, written in a vertical column, turned out to be a voice mail for a Nextel account for "24." By last night, the mailbox was full and inaccessible.

Is Fox turning into the new Disney?

By next season, will Jack Bauer be saying stuff like, "All good teenagers, take off your clothes...."?!


"Do you trust me?!"

Summer Time TV

With "24" finished for the next 6 months, we turn our attention to our 2 other favorite shows on television: "The Real World/Road Rules Challenge" & "Entourage".

While HBO has been mum about their show, MTV is rolling out the red carpet for the newest edition of the RW/RR Challenge, which will be known as "Fresh Meat". Basically, MTV went out and found the biggest RW/RR psycho fans that also want to become themselves by hooking up and making asses out of themselves. Obviously, this is another brilliant strategic move by the MTV brass.

We've been so rapped up in "24", we even missed a "Fresh Meat" preview that is running on MTV. Fortunately, this MTV Overdrive thing is worth them plugging after every single show, and here is a list of the cast.


Will someone step up and make us forget about The Miz? Doubtful...

Spurs: Boo Fucking Hoo...

If there is one thing Pistons and Cavs fans can agree on right now, it's that the Spurs are a bunch of bitches. Thankfully, the guys at "The Association" put them on a well-overdue blast.

Thankfully, we don't have to witness bullshit like this during the NBA Finals anymore:

Guess Who's Bizack???

It's easy to forget Michigan baseball's history:

- 2 NCAA titles (1953, '62)
- 4th winningest program in NCAA history
- 33 Big Ten titles (conference record)
- Last Big Ten team to reach CWS (1984)
- Former players including Hal Morris, Barry Larkin, Chris Sabo and Jim Abbott

In just 4 years, Rich Maloney has transformed the team from a doormat to Big Ten champs. And that's not even the best part: Maloney is the most straight forward, no-bullshit coach at the school.

With the Big Ten Tournament in our house, we urge anyone left in Ann Arbor to turn out en masse with The Claw in one hand and some Cracker Jacks in the other.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Every day I become more convinced we have the best readers in the world. Behold this week's R.O.W., which we just received in our inbox. We like to call it "When Sensationalizing News Goes Wrong"...

The Realests at the Movies

As you all know from our script "Fratboy Missionaries", we have a keen sense for the big screen. But we've found this is a gift and a curse, as we block out entire movies after consuming a scene that just blows our minds. If you haven't noticed these, please go back and enjoy the smaller moments of cinema:

Bad Santa: When Billy Bob Thornton, the kid and the midget punch each other in the balls in a boxing ring, the midget falls over and literally rolls onto his head as if it's a dreidel.

The Da Vinci Code: While Bishop Aringarosa is waiting at the hide-away, we suddenly cut to Alfred Molina playing pool. Does it seem absurd to anyone else that bishops are playing bar games while awaiting word on the Holy Grail?

And also, after Leah Teabing knocks Silas to the ground, Sophie comes over and smashes his head into the floor like a savage. Did that seem out of character to anyone? Like, a little too "Planet of the Apes" style?

Planet of the Apes (remake): Speaking of Planet of the Apes, IMDB message boards can't figure out what Tim Burton was thinking with his ending. I'll tell you what he was thinking: APE-RAHAM LINCOLN!!! Genius.

Zubino on 24: Say It Ain't So

More to come from The Great Zubino tomorrow. He's in shock from tonight's events. You guys are lucky that he could even type this.

Like I said last week folks, my presence on the blog is going to drop horrifically so if this is my last post for the year, thank you to all my readers…

It was pretty rad that Bierko decided to use the last Nerve Gas canister to take over the ship, rather then using it as a final threat… Also, I haven’t liked Bierko as much as the other bad guys on 24, Bierko seems too overplayed, and too serious. I liked Habib Marwan from last season, and then Saunders, but Bierko is just an annoying douche that you can’ stop hatin’, like Woodley.

That one room looks so much similar to the Nuclear Reactor room in season 4, where the employees that died transmitted from, I popped in my DVD of that episode, and it looks identical - way for the producers to be cheap.

How is this officer that survived on the ship even old enough to be in the navy? He look like he looks like he’s a sophomore in high school, barely old enough to get a job, and Jack’s forcing him to shove a knife into the terrorist’s throat?!? Harsh for a first timer…

Logan’s really fucked himself over this time folks, not only did he kill the loveable David Palmer, Michelle Dessler, and Tony Almeida but now he’s gonna kill shit loads of people… but of course in Jack’s world, the missiles won’t even leave the ship.

Jack just redeemed himself from going soft on us when he took out the guy in the control room with the throat-cut, and forcing the guy into the burning hot steam. Realest of the Week goes to non-other than… Bauer. (Like I said in the last couple of reports, its evident that Bauer HAS been playing video games a lot lately. He totally smoked Bierko with the snapping of the neck, which is from Mortal Kombat’s Sonya Blade).

I’m glad that Jack smoked Henderson, he was getting on everyones nerves. Now there are only 2 more douches that need to be exterminated:

1. Miles
2. Logan

Has Jack gone insane?!?! From the sound of the phone call to Chloe, it seems like he will kill all the Secret Service, and then just make a bitch out of Logan… which would be a walk in the park for him.

Aw, what a nice gushy moment between Pierce and Martha. I still think Pierce should come back next season, he’s an amazing character and is the only person, along with mike to stay with Jack since Season 1.

The producers are really setting up the final hour to be the most exhilarating and insane show ever.

Chloe was MARRIED?!?! This is the biggest flip YET to the show. I bet Edgar would be pissed as hell… “But Chloe, why did you bring your exssssshusssband in?”

Whenever Logan calls Martha, “Marty”, I feel like he’s talking to Michael J. Fox in back to the future, kind of creepy. I KNEW that Martha was gonna pull the sex trick on Logan to make him delay. Ever since she lifted up her skirt and ripped her blouse to get that transcript of the call in the first couple episodes, I knew she had to pull a stunt like this.

(Note the time the first hour ended- 5 minutes early. The hour ended at 8:55. This ending is going to be sick)

Final Hour, Lets go:

So as we prepared to see Jack fly Marine One… I had wondered how much time it has taken Bauer to learn how to fly helicopters, pick any locks, pound fools, etc… pretty much anything that he does. I would think maybe 2-3 years... considering he DOESN’T sleep.

Jack giving Logan the silent treatment was baller. He’s tazering fools and taking control into his own hands as if he were God. How can Chloe say that if they don’t get a confession out of Logan, they will all go to jail, and then go to a commercial break?!? Sheer insanity. I’m going bonkers.

Jack going straight to the death threats with Logan is amazing. Jacks speech to Logan brought a tear to my eye. He has really been hit to the core, and he should smoke Logan right now…

With Jack going into solitary confinement… he has nothing to lose, there’s no telling what he’s going to do. Martha has to take a fucking step toward Bauer-ness now and force the confession out him. She needs to stop up like Lindsey Hunter did versus the Cav’s in game 7. (Suck it, Jim)

I was expecting Jack Bauer to pop out of Palmers casket…. But that doesn’t look like its going to happen. Neither does Martha owning Logan… WHAT THE FUCK? LOGAN COMES IN AND SLAPS HER? He’s smarter than we all thought… but still a douche, none the less.

Good, Jack placed that bug on Logan. I am so happy, did you see that smile on Novick’s face? It was priceless. Bauer has surprised us all, and really over did it this time. But why isn’t he in solitary confinement when we meet up with him? They should have planed it as they release him when the President is under arrest.

Right when the Chinese guy told Bauer that Kim was calling, I shouted, “Bullshit”, and I was right. It just seems too sketchy that Kim would call right then and decide to befriend Jack… but who the hell is kidnapping Bauer?!

Buchanon and the new chick are going to hook up!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh. It’s better than him and Chloe at least…I miss Edgar all of a sudden… he was one of the most loved characters on the show… and will be greatly missed.

Oh my god… the writers brought back the Chinese… this is insane... AND THEY END THE SEASON LIKE THAT!?!? “Kill me…”- did Jack Bauer say those word?!?! Was he beat to a bloody inch of his life? Jack looked like he was on the verge of death, and now they have him on a boat going to China? I am in shock… He’s saved so many people and now this happens… wow… The writers aren’t going to let him sleep anytime soon… How did the Chinese find out about him?!? I am going insane over this… Jack Bauer has one hell of a rough life…

I’m in too much of a shock to finish this the way I wanted to…

-The Great Zubino

LeBron, Cavaliers Are Dunzo...

Congratulations to the Pistons, who finally woke up in the 3rd quarter of today's game after sleepwalking through the last week. Detroit is clearly the better team, and I hope they bring the title back to the Eastern Conference.

But as for Pistons' fans....

I've received a lot of verbal attacks since the Cavs were crushed - mostly from people that weren't speaking from games 3-6. I feel like Stephen when he showed up at the beach, only to find Kristin acting like a bitch:

"Am I supposed to be really happy to see you or something?"


See you losers next year...

We Are All Witnesses (Including Gilbert Arenas)...

I just want to use this opportunity to say that I am purchasing "Witness" t-shirts for every Pistons fan I know after today's win and, as Varun said, there are going to be a million headlines on Monday that read "King's Palace" or "A Palace Fit for a King"...

CHIEF ILLINIWEK IS A GIANT FAIRY

Because Chief Illiniwek is not allowed to travel on the road, few people in the Big Ten realize that students at the University of Illinois are brainwashed. We mention this now only because the NCAA is trying to eliminate the mascot once and for all.

So if you haven't had the opportunity to visit Champaign, this could be your only opportunity to see the biggest fairy in mascot history.

Bruce Madej in the NY Times!

Bruce Madej - nice guy, like him a lot. Definitely an SID nightmare to get a call from the New York Times to speak about hazing. He handled it pretty well:

Bruce Madej, an associate athletic director at the University of Michigan, said that colleges would have First Amendment issues if they tried to bar students from posting photographs or text on the Internet.

"There is no silver bullet to tell them what they can or can't do," he said. "You have to tell them they not only represent the university but their families. You have to tell them corporations look at those Web sites. Is it awkward? You bet."

Photographs of the Michigan men's lacrosse team's initiations in 2003 and 2004 — which showed players apparently drinking — were posted on badjocks.com yesterday. But Madej said that the coach, John Paul, took disciplinary action against some of the team members two years ago.

For the full article, click here.

By the way, speaking of embarassing internet photos, we love the hat Bruce!

Rasheed Claps at Moondog

You can cut the tension in our apartment with a knife leading up to Cavs-Pistons: Game 5. What started out as a good, clean, hard-fought series has now turned sour because of Rasheed Wallace.

Don't jump to conclusions: Cleveland fans like myself could care less about Rasheed's guarantee before Game 4, or saying afterward - "No way in hell are they going to beat us in this series."

It's what he said about our beloved mascot, Moondog, which sent shock waves through Northeast Ohio:

"Even the sun shines on a dog's ass."

And with that giant slap in Moondog's face, it's on. I have already e-mailed Moondog to notify him of the quote. Needless to say, this will be on the Cavs' bulletin board tonight in the Palace. We will keep you posted on Moondog's response ...


Moondog eats pieces of shit like Rasheed Wallace for breakfast...

BadJocks.com Comes After 'M' LAX

BadJocks.com warned us yesterday about the "Dirty Dozen" and stayed true to their word today, releasing 12 sets of photos from college athletes partaking in hazing rituals. Number 12 on the list: the Michigan men's lacrosse team!

But before Bill Martin's blood starts to boil, realize these pics aren't nearly as scandalous as those of the Northwestern women's lacrosse team. Granted, pictures of a guy wearing a "I love Michigan Vaginas" shirt and another standing over his puke aren't great publicity for the school, but mostly it's just a bunch of idiots running around.

All in all, it was definitely a reach by BadJocks.com and the only reason it was posted was to complete the "DIRTY DOZEN".


False alarm, Bill....

Quick Question...

How long until we see the "Jenn Sterger Treatment" for the Northwestern women's soccer team? And by that, I mean the traditional SI on Campus column and a Maxim photo shoot....

Is BadJocks.Com a Terrorist Organization?

Badjocks.com is the equivalent of The Smoking Gun for athletes. This is the place you turn to find out about "Ron Mexico", the 7th Floor Crew, etc. etc. Well, the site certainly made a splash yesterday by releasing photos of the Northwestern women's soccer team, which basically makes them all look like a bunch of lesbos...

Apparently unsatisfied with getting the team suspended by Northwestern, Bad Jocks has now posted this on their site:

"Coming Wednesday: The Dirty Dozen - Twelve more colleges will have initiation pictures posted right here tomorrow. We can't reveal their names (what fun would that be?) but among them is a set showing a lacrosse team with a stripper. Not THAT lacrosse team, but these pics will make a sailor blush. Put your bets down now if you think your school will make the Final Twelve!"

Why can I hear Vladimir Bierko reading this? Does the NCAA have an equivalent of Jack Bauer? Will Myles Brand handle this crisis like President Palmer or President Logan??????


And Myles just pooped his pants...

COMING SOON: THEREALESTS.COM

This is all I have to say:



Stay tuned....

Zubino on 24: Expect The Flip

By The Great Zubino
Realests Correspondent


With only 2 weeks of 24 left, I feel like my importance of this blog will reduce dramatically after 5/22/06. After realizing this, I must say, it has been an honor working for you. (Jack Bauer speech end of season 4).

Good job by the producers of cutting down the “Previously on 24” act, it was getting as annoying as the Miles douche.

When Jack had to punch the security guard in the chest, I thought he would have done it a little more Bauer like, maybe a little punch and cutting of conscience would be nice? Also, Jack should have threatened Miles a little more, maybe cutting out the eyes or even just a simple knee-to-the-nuts, but not just choking. That was not Bauer-esque.

Who didn’t see that Bierko was going to escape, definitely the easiest call in 24 history. This was probably shown because he is planning something insane, something that will make us become something more 24 addicts… Or maybe as ½ the realests would say, maybe I’m just too into 24.

No one would like to see Martha OD, especially since what happened to our late hommie, ODB. Martha’s trick is smart, she probably gave the cell phone to the guy for Pierce, so she could call him, or somehow track it to find out where he his.

Aaron Pierce should have head butted Logan and been like “Bitch, that’s how I roll,” and rolled out of the retreat with Martha under his arm. He had a ballsy move by telling the President that he will bring him down, and by calling him by his first name. Realest of show goes to him… for now.

Knowing that the American government faces daily threats, does this mean this is a normal day in the life of CTU, the white house, and LA?.. No one sleep?!?! Does no one eat?!!? EVER?!

Good quote by Buchanon “What would David Palmer want you to do if he were here. Honor his memory, Jack.” That touched everyone.

Btw, Jack’s hoodie is so kick ass, I really want one of my own. (props to Ana for pointing this out.)

Henderson brings up a really good point. Jack always backs up his “word” he has given his trust to everyone he knows, except that one German agent, who he fucked over by setting the Agent list for self destruction.

Audrey’s been looking oddly skinny, maybe it’s due to the massive blood loss, or maybe she’s following in the steps of Kate Moss. (SNIFFFFFFFFF)

Way to go for Martha owning that one guy in the SS. But it would have been so much better if she wasn’t an emotional wreck afterwards… that bitch is crazy.

Of course everyone in 24 has to drive a Ford built car, preferably an explorer. Which is kind of cheesy, because in the sentinel, everyone drove Cadillac 300 Dubs.

This guy that Henderson has to talk to, might have the nicest crib ever. It’s hidden inside a warehouse for heaven’s sake, and he has an own metal detection that detects any wires, or weapons on a person, which is insane.

I don’t now about Henderson still, he seems ridiculously sketchy and I don’t know if he can be trusted. He let his own wife get shot even… which is pretty real.

The idea of the Nerve Gas going off in the Russian ship is pretty real. Considering the treaty that went through, if Russia thought that US attacked its own ship, it would bring WWIII.

This show was obviously one of the filler episodes that will lead to one of the greatest finales we have ever seen, or I hope… Jack has been acting a lot less powerful lately, almost as if he is losing his Mojo for pounding terrorists into the ground. I hope they don’t end this season like the others…

Season 3- Jack crying and snarling like a little bitch in a car…

Season 4- Jack going off into the Sunset…

Season 5- ?!?!?!

All I know, is that were in for a wild one folks.

-The Great Zubino

CO-REALESTS OF THE WEEK

As much as I hate the NBA and its over-the-hill players in particular, Sam Cassell and Antoine Walker really turned back the clock yesterday.

First, it was Walker. The only thing I can't stand more than the NBA is the New Jersey Nets. Therefore, for very twisted reasoning, I can't get enough of the Heat-Nets series.

Watching Antoine Walker hit five 3-pointers to doom New Jersey was like seeing 5 replays of Chad Henne fall on his ass at the end of the Wisconsin game: pure comedy. The only thing Cybertoine was missing was "The Shimmy"....



And then in the night cap, the second coming of the Sam Cassell "I Have Big Balls" Dance after hitting a 3-pointer to put the game out of reach. The IHBB Dance was only topped by TNT showing it in replay while the announcers laughed as if someone was holding a gun to their head.

I love this game...

Return of the King

I'm not speaking about LeBron, I'm speaking of the Michigan softball team.

It's been a slow couple days, but let's talk 'M' softball for a moment. We can't say it enough: they are exactly what every major Michigan sport is NOT: clutch, confident, focused, determined.

If you didn't see the game yesterday, Jennie Ritter was unstoppable. Think Chris Perry in the 2004 Ohio State game (minus the ankle injury): she was not going to lose. Seven innings, two hits, no runs, 9 strikeouts.

Tiffany Haas, who isn't having a great season, was of course clutch - putting the nail in the coffin with an RBI single in the 6th inning.

For once, I could sit back as a Michigan fan and watch as the other team pissed the game away (4 errors for Northwestern).

And then when it was over, they acted like it was business as usual. As if to say, "just throw that trophy on the shelf." I love it.

Somewhere, Ron Mott is smiling.....

Michigan Softball Wins Game 1 of BTT

After a very shaky season, the 'M' softball team exploded in its quarterfinal game against State, pounding the Spartans, 13-0, with homers from Becky Marx and Sam Findlay. Hopefully, this will get the team and Findlay in particular, on track. Findlay should go into the Michigan Hall of Fame no matter what, but dare we say it, she is going through quite a "Sophomore Slump"...

Sophomore Slump?
Michigan's Samantha Findlay Entering BTT

2005
At Bats: 134
Batting AVG: .343
Runs: 42
HR: 17
RBI: 53
SLG%: .761

2006
At Bats: 137
Batting AVG: .314
Runs: 30
HR: 7
RBI: 34
SLG%: .555

Side Note: Tiffany Haas was batting .398 entering last year's BTT and is now batting just .281


In Hutch we trust...

WHEN WHITE PEOPLE TRY TO ACT BLACK...

If you haven't been keeping up with the rap game, we introduce you to the newest fad which has exploded in popularity since E-40's recent hit "Tell Me When to Go": it's called "Ghost Ridin' Da Whip."

Definition: When a driver gets out of a moving car, C-walks a little bit, hops on the roof for a sec, maybe pops a collar or two, and then gets back in the ride.

Here is a short demonstration if you haven't witnessed it before (note: extremely hood):



Now brace yourself for the white man's version. Man, we're fuckin' stupid ...


To enhance the fun, try playing them both at the same time ...

SUCK IT, BONDS!

Now that we've all been brainwashed watching clips of Juan Pierre steal the record-tying HR from Barry Bonds, let's talk a little bit about former Michigan hurler Rich Hill. As J. Brady pointed out, Hill narrowly escaped going down in the record books as "the guy who threw Bonds the gopher ball for No. 714" (and yes, it was a gopher ball).

Hill still got shelled for 5 ER in 6.0 IP, but who cares? Because of Pierre, people don't even know that he pitched last night.

GO BLUE!


No one is happier that Bonds is off the juice than Rich Hill...

Unlucky #12

The Associated Press reported yesterday that Texas A&M will allow the Seahawks to continue their "12th Man" campaign, after originally suing the NFL team. Needless to say, we all lose in this situation. Already a preseason selection for the Unrealest of the Year, the 12th Man is the perfect example of "Sports marketing gone bad".

Good marketing: Plastic Boy, fire balls atop the shot clock
Bad marketing: The 12th Man

Adding to our anger is Seahawks' CEO Tod Leiweke (yes, he spells it with one "d"): "The 12th Man symbol is a lot more relevant in our world than it's ever been."

What the hell is he talking about?

We are hoping Seattle's #1 fan, Ken Wall, will provide us with answers...


You know your city sucks when these are the two things you are most proud of...

GO NADS!

Congratulations to the Rhode Island School of Design and their Nads - owners of the greatest nickname in college sports! By earning almost half of the popular vote, we have realized the only people more immature than us, is our audience. Thanks to everyone for participating!

Results
1. Rhode Island School of Design Nads: 53 votes
2. Washington & Lee Generals: 16 votes
3. Rhode Island College Anchormen: 15 votes
4. Converse All-Stars: 10 votes
5. Brooklyn College Bridges: 8 votes
6. Gettysburg Bullets: 5 votes
7. Whitman Missionaries: 1 vote

Rudy T. Bandwagon Picking Up Steam....

As reported last week, Pistons assistant Sidney Lowe is the new N.C. State coach. What you DIDN'T KNOW is that Lowe never graduated, and is currently taking courses at a "very credible university" (his words, not ours) to get his degree.

Sound familiar? This is the same situation Michigan faces with Rudy T. They can't hire the man without a degree, but as Lowe has shown, that shouldn't be a problem. Lowe is finishing his degree in almost a month! Certainly a "Michigan Man" like Rudy T. could finish before the next school year started.

For those who don't think he would be interested - do you know what Rudy is up to these days? He is a scout for the Lakers, meaning he travels all over the country to watch L.A.'s upcoming opponents.

I think returning to his alma mater and becoming a savior of the men's basketball team MIGHT appeal to this guy.


I can already hear the "Rudy" chants ever so softly.....

Zubino on 24: President Novick?!

By The Great Zubino
Realests Correspondent

I said it before and I will say it again: “Previously on 24” is too long. They need to cut that out - they were showing scenes from the 4/27 show!

If Audrey’s father pulls through, that will definitely be a let down for the show. His death was a key part in this season and he must be killed for his mistake. Once you fuck with Jack, you don’t come back.

Mike Novick needs to beat the hell out of Logan’s neck.

All of a sudden, Jack Bauer is sweating profusely. It’s a known fact that Jack doesn’t sweat for 20 hours slowly, he sweats for 15 minutes profusely until his pants are wet.

I guarantee the big shocker at the end of this episode will be who the man Logan is talking to, and who he works for. With 3 hours left in this season, they have to reveal it.

Does anyone in the series of the show ever sit down for a bite to eat? I mean Stouffer’s only takes me 2 ½ minutes to cook up.

What if Miles reports Karen to Logan for letting Chloe and Buchanon back into CTU? He might be the douche of the year.

Mike Novick for President! He’s been on the show since season 1 and everybody’s loved him. He did kick David Palmer out of office, but we’ll let that one slide.

No more of this mushy bullshit between Jack and Audrey, it has to end NOW. We know they’ll just go through more heartbreak and sorrow like Jack and the rest of his previous girlfriends.

I am extremely pissed that Miles stopped Logan from offing himself. It would have been extremely sad, but it would have made my night.

The preview for next week:

Aaron is back! I hope he spits right into Logan’s face. Everyone wants Jack to rip Henderson’s head off and makes him talk.

That’s all for know folks.

GREATEST NICKNAME IN COLLEGE SPORTS?

As earlier reported, the SE Oklahoma St. Savages changed their name to the "Savage Storm" in January. While it is still obnoxious and offensive the "Best Nickname in College Sports" is up for grabs out of principal for attempting to be PC.

We'll let you guys decide...

Rhode Island College Anchormen *
Skinny: Please tell us the students dress up as Ron Burgundy before each game.

Converse All-Stars
Skinny: We love the "Hoosiers" look for the Cagers, but the football team must really suck ass....

Brooklyn College Bridges
Skinny: Would definitely win a contest for the dumbest nickname in college sports, hence a front-runner for this award as well....

Gettysburg Bullets
Skinny: Very un-PC... we just want to see a headline in the student paper read "BLOOD BATH!"

Washington & Lee Generals
Skinny: Now the most offensive name in college sports, hands down... I wonder what the reception would be like if they played at Grambling...

Whitman Missionaries
Skinny: This school is a fraud if students don't take years off for service, like at BYU... does on-the-field trash talk include, "I'll convert your bitch ass..."?

Rhode Island School of Design Nads (hockey team)
Skinny: Needs a PA announcer that, after each goal, yells "SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!"

* Also the nickname for Puget Sound


Jay-Z: The King of Nicknames

An Apartment Divided

We have cut off all communication between each other for the Cavs-Pistons series. We'll let Kevin Garnett sum up our emotions right now:

"This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher."



&




VS.




&

Anna Nicole Smith: Derby Prognosticator?

You’ve undoubtedly heard by now that Anna Nicole Smith is fresh off a Supreme Court victory giving her another chance to claim part of her late husband’s fortune. The case has dragged on for a staggering 11 years, but it looks like Anna could make her own fortune in two minutes today.

Note: prepare yourself for extreme weight gain....

Anna Nicole picks 2003 & 2004 winners


Will Anna go for the jugular???

Black Mamba Drops Huge Bomb

Kobe Bryant took another huge step toward winning his way back into America's heart last night. Check out his post-game quote about the loss:

"When you go to the bathroom, you can't stand there and look at what you just dropped. At some point, you have to flush."


"What's that smell?"

CENSORSHIP BY THE WOLVERINE!

There was a lot of work put into the last post, and we were really glad it struck a chord with Michigan fans. It felt great to stand up and tell it like it is.

But something happened yesterday that was so disturbing it ruined our entire day. After getting great responses to a post we put on TheWolverine message board, we went back later on to find our link had been erased.

Then we see these rules posted by Chris Balas, saying what can and can't be posted. Obviously, the whole situation stinks of the Michigan athletic department, namely Tom Wywrot and Bill Martin. Either The Wolverine is further in their pocket than we realized, or they are the most pathetic homers possible.

Either way, we are disgusted and call on our readers to get our back.


In solidarity,
The Realests



(Jack Bauer voice) "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?!?! THERE'S STILL TIME TO DO THE RIGHT THING!!!"

MICHIGAN BASKETBALL GONE WILD!

A J. Brady & The Realests Production
All Photos by T-Dizzle

Despite his failure, Graham Brown's crossover to football started to make his teammates think for a change. If you thought the team was bad last year, check out how many Cagers decided to follow in Graham's footsteps by switching sports....



Sherrod Harrell - Crew

Skinny: Never afraid of walking-on, Sherrod decided to go balls out by joining the crew team.
Michigan men’s crew coach Greg Hartsuff: “We’re excited to have Sherrod come out for crew. He already knows what it’s like to get shit on by the University, so that won’t be new to him. The only issue so far is that his tendency is to run the ‘swirly’ offense, and out here, that results in a whirlpool. It’ll take some getting used to...”

Brent Petway - Volleyball

Skinny: After whiffing the dunk in the NIT, Petway decided he needed more room to work. Without a varsity volleyball team, Petway was forced to transfer to Ball State.
Ball State men’s volleyball coach Joel Walton: “The transfer to volleyball has been a natural one for Brent. We let the other five players handle everything but the spikes. Brent is happy, and he’s even started rapping about our team being No. 1. He just got a D+ on a Science exam, we're all really proud of him.”

Ron Coleman - Golf

Skinny: Tigah, Tigah Woods ya'll!
Michigan men’s golf coach Andrew Sapp: "Ronald’s underachieving career for the basketball team was a psychological thing. He was so overwhelmed by trying to put up big numbers, the pressure to score would overcome him. He just didn’t have the ability to score more than 7 points a game. Golf’s a perfect switch for him because here, less is more."

Chris Hunter - Shot put

Skinny: Chris lived for the 3-point bomb and realized he's always been a shot put thrower at heart
Michigan men’s track and field coach Ron Warhurst: "Well, if you’ve followed Chris' basketball career, you know he already has a couple years of shotput experience. Especially toward the end of last season, I really saw some natural ability to chuck the shit out of a round object. I asked Chris to stay in Ann Arbor to train with me for the next two years for the upcoming 2008 Summer Games, and he accepted. Here, he doesn’t have to show any restraint at all: He’s got the green light all day.”

Courtney Sims - Tennis

Skinny: Got back to his roots after reocurring nightmares about Greg Oden.
Michigan men’s tennis coach Bruce Berque: "I don’t know if you remember, but Courtney was a better tennis player than basketball player coming out of high school. When he told us he wanted to join our team, we were ecstatic. The only issue has been getting him to remove that constipated look off his face when he’s about to serve. He said it’s a result of the same feeling he used to get when he would have to make a strong post move in basketball."

Lester Abram - Baseball

Skinny: Unable to take another season-long injury, he decided to join the 'M' Nine because the guys all seemed like a bunch of pussies, too.
Michigan baseball coach Rich Maloney: "Lester loved the idea of playing center field, but the experiment might be over before it ever really began. In his first game, he pulls a hammy coming to home plate. Can you believe it? The kid's already on the 60-day DL."

Dion Harris - Softball

Skinny: After watching the end of the Indiana game, Hutch knew Harris was the slap-hitter her team desperately needed.
Michigan softball coach Carol Hutchins: "This is a national championship program, and Dion struggled at first with the expectations we have for our players. Things like running out every play, running back and forth to the dugout and taking pride in what you do. The cheers were also really tough for him to get. Dion is very shy, but the girls are getting him to open up more. One day last week, all of a sudden, Dion started yelling, ‘There’s a hole out there! There’s a hole out there! There’s an H-O-L-E hole out there!’ I was proud of him. He’s trying."

Jevohn Shepherd - Ice Hockey

Skinny: Canadian native ran into the fellas at Rick's one night and realized the basketball team’s leftovers he’d been getting couldn’t hold a candle to the puckwhores.
Michigan hockey coach Red Berenson: “Je … Jev … Jevo … Bevo … Ah, the hell with it. Like with most of our players, we can expect Boy to have his best year on the ice in Year 1. After that, he can go back and play for Tommy for all I care. And believe me, I don’t care much.... I need more coffee.”

Jerret Smith - Women's Basketball

Skinny: Has now adopted the slogan, "I don't wrestle, I beat bitches up."
Michigan women's basketball coach Cheryl Burnett: "On the men's team, Jerrett lacked size, speed, ball-handling skills and definitely a shot. With his transformation to the women's game, Smith has all four. He's our go-to guy in the post - the kid's an automatic double-double. I can just taste a conference win..."

Tommy Amaker - Youth Soccer

Skinny: Like Herb Sendek, the job's pressure finally got to him. Herb went to the desert, Tommy went to the kids.
Huron Under-8 Blazers forward Jimmy Tinkler: “Um, we like Coach Tommy because he lets us run around in circles even more than our last coach. He never yells at us, even when I scored on the wrong goal last week. He said that he was just proud of me for making a goal at all. That was pretty cool.”

The Stagnation

There's nothing worse than wasted talent. The Realests have been listening to "Pump It Up" for the last 3 years. When Joe Budden somehow snuck "Fire" onto the "Mean Girls" soundtrack (back when Lindsay Lohan was boobmatic), we stood up and applauded in the theater. Then we sat down when 17 8th grade girls threated to merck us. When Joe dropped "Porno Star" on us and ended every line with either dick, pussy, or sex - we thought he was a genius...a modern day Thoreau. When Joe got "Pump It Up" into the first season of Entourage, we made a pledge that Joe would do the soundtrack for the documentary about our lives. At the time, we worried that Joe might be too busy to help us out - after all, it's not easy being the streetz #1 draft pick. But after today, we think that Joey might drag us down.


#1 Pick? Just Call Me Olowakandi.

I ate lunch at The Pink Tea Cup today (best mac and cheese I've ever had) and guess who was sitting next to me. That's right...Jump Off Joe in the flesh. I froze. I couldn't go up to him and ask him when "The Growth" was gonna come out. I couldn't ask him why he thinks Mouse is a cool nickname. I just sat there and ate my mac and cheese. Joey finished eating and then went outside to sit on the stoop next door to the restaurant...for an hour. Joey - please get a job.

COMING SOON....

After Graham Brown decided to try out for the NFL (BTW, it appears Graham has not signed anywhere yet because it has not been reported yet), a bunch of other basketball players had a change of heart and switched sports as well. We have the pics to prove it....

Paula Overload

Now, she is in the N.Y. Times while currently during a tour around the country to bars, where she can melt down on a daily basis.

I feel really bad saying this, but it needs to be said at this point.

PAULA IS EXPLOITING HERSELF!

Stop Hatin' on Da Bears' Draft

A lot of people have been ripping the Bears for failing to address any of the team's offensive needs via the draft. Just take this lead from an AP story about their selections:

"From the way the Chicago Bears conducted business in this weekend's NFL draft, it was difficult to tell their offense finished 29th overall in 2005."

That's definitely true, but take a look at the offensive players they've taken in the 1st Rd. over the past dozen years:

2005: Cedric Benson, RB, Texas, #4 Overall
2003: Rex Grossman, QB, Florida, #22 Overall
2001: David Terrell, WR, Michigan, #8 Overall
1999: Cade McNown, QB, UCLA, #12 Overall
1998: Curtis Enis, RB, Penn State, #5 Overall
1995: Rashaan Salaam, RB, Colorado, #21 Overall

Now tell me the GM made a bad move....

MAMI DEAREST!!!

Supposedly, this was after a PTA meeting (I'm guessing somewhere in West Virginia). I can't find any information on this thing, but who cares? It's totally sweet.

Note: click twice on the screen to see video....

Realests of the Week

Who wasn't real in this whole Chris Kaman thing? Click here for TNT's coverage if you haven't seen it yet. The award is split four ways:

Chris Kaman: telling the reporters to use the word "nuts"
Reggie Evans: doing the most despicable thing possible on the court
Charles Barkley: asking Ernie where he gets his cookies from
Anonymous NBA Ref: telling Chris Kaman he would have knocked out Reggie Evans

Zubino on 24: Just Another Plane Crash for Jack

By The Great Zubino
Realests Correspondent

Oh yes, I’m back and I’m better than ever. And I’m sick that no NFL team drafted Marcus Vick, damn shame. But into this week’s 24:

They spend too much damn time on “Previous on 24” section of the show. It takes away from the shows real time factor and just sucks in general.

Buchanon is acting like an old school Tony now, and he’s doing it well. I also like how they're moving the different locations of the show for each episode, it’s pretty cool. The airplane is cool… but hey, isn’t this the same plane that Mandy blew up in season 1? (haha)

If Chloe gets picked up in the bar…. That guy must have had a couple of drinks, and this guy looks like a complete tool.

Martha’s gonna go certifiably insane by the end of the day. Not giving her the medication is gonna drive everyone on the show fuckin’ insane. Even though she might have become a loved character, I would rather watch Logan and Drofo have a Father vs. Son wrestling match.

Does anyone have any idea about the company that Logan keeps on sending and receiving calls from?

Novick should get all up in Logan’s grill and threaten Logan like Bauer did Walt. Every since day 1, (well… day 4) no one has liked Logan, I predict he is GONE.

I bet that Novick gave Martha sugar pills, just to make her mentally seem like she is fine. It would be ballsy, and I think they wouldn’t give her the pills.

Jack Bauer is a smart man, knowing that since the plane is turning, they know he’s on board. And it seems that he is about to get mercked in the plane. And how does Jack get out of this situation? He knows how to control a plane from outside the cockpit, 'cause lets face it, Jack is second to only God.

Miles, the new guy working for homeland, is being nominated for the biggest douche in the world.

Logan is looking like he’s packing on the pounds, and his neck still looks absurd. He bothers me like no other character on the show, and I hope he gets what’s coming to him.

Jack absolutely owned the co-pilot, in a classic Jack Bauer style:

TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS.

WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE?

DO YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO DIE?

WHO DID YOU TELL?

President Logan will not shoot down the plane, if he does, everyone around him will distrust him.

…But Jack has already survived a plane crash! When he was with Nina on a flight in season 3, their plane crashed and Nina and him survived, what are the odds!?!

Jack cannot die, and if the plane does get shot, the back of the plane will get fucked, while the cockpit flies off and hits an acre of pillows, it’s just how God has it.

BTW, look at this douchey picture I found of my brother…