FRIDAY NIGHT GAME NOTES

A couple notes while watching the Washington-Syracuse game on ESPN:

- How desperate are we for college football that we're watching Washington-Syracuse on ESPN?

- Those new Syracuse helmets? Bleh. They can keep changing the unis, but the results are going to stay the same as long as Greg Robinson is there.

- Touchdown Washington!!! Man, seeing Ty Will giving 'em the finger will never get old. We know, we know - it's hard for it to get old when it never happens...

- Not to go all Bill O'Reilly on 50 Cent, but there is something really wrong about him doing the Saturday Night Football intro song when was just on a track with Yayo, who said "I’ll put the tek to you n***as; Virginia Tech you n***as."

- Not enough is being made of Western Kentucky's first game in Division IA (or whatever it's called) being against Florida. Seriously, with 120 teams now, if you want to enter D-IA, you should have to play the national champs at home as your first game. We can call it "The Buttfuck Rule."

- Oh yeah. Go Blue!

PHIL KNIGHT IS AN EVIL DICTATOR

Phil Knight must be stopped. Not from sweat-shop labor and children working in textile factories and iron smelts, but from ruining uniforms forever.

Knight annihilated his alma mater last year, with this disastrous four-uniform, three-helmet attack (left). Not satisfied, he also designed a new redonkulous helmet for the Ducks before their appearance in the Las Vegas Bowl (right):



This season, Knight has destroyed what was left of the state by introducing the bro/manzier look at Oregon State (left) and dropping acid while designing Portland State's new helmet (right):



Thankfully, Michigan is ditching Nike for Adidas after this year. The question is: Will it be too late?

(Note: A big thanks to Paul Lukas' Uni Watch, which boggles the mind with the amount of research put into each piece)

TIGA, TIGA WOODS Y'ALL!

Do yourself a favor. Click play on the first video then immediately click play on the second video. The syncing is amazing.





What's up with Eldrick showing some personality? Gee, it only took ten years for Tiger to recover from the GQ debacle in 1997 for making dirty jokes. Maybe in another ten years, he'll be swapping Polish slurs on the course with Sergio Garcia.

CHEERS TO BEING A DOUCHE BAG

Seriously, we know we use this line to much. But when we find out Jason Wahler from "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills" is getting married, all we can think to ourselves is: "WHERE COULD HE FIND SOMEONE SO.... BEEFHEADED?!?!?!"

Apparently, you can them on the USC tennis team because Wahler is engaged to sophomore Trojan tennis player, Katja Decker-Sadowski. From People:

Wahler, 20, popped the question to Decker-Sadowski, 19, during a housewarming party at their shared Los Angeles home, with friends—including former flame Lauren Conrad—looking on.

Wait, they are already living together? What the hell is wrong with parents in L.A.???

Let's see here - according to this, she just turned 19-years old. And we still can't tell if she's hot, or just blond. This photo just confuses us more.

Her family must be ecstatic she's about to get married to someone fresh out of rehab and with FOUR drinking-related arrests in the last year (seriously, that's a Willie Williams pace right there).

And that whole Talan-Kimberly Stewart engagement didn't work out too well.

Wait, are we jealous?

KUDOS TO KAREN HOLBROOK

Unfortunately for Karen Holbrook, we've already handed out the Realest of the Week award. The good news is that anytime someone rips Ohio State, especially one of the school's former presidents, they will always have a home on The Realests.

While interviewing for a job as the president of Florida Gulf Coast University (further proof that having "THE Ohio State University" on your resume doesn't get you anywhere), Holbrook had this say say about Bucknuts:

"When you win a game, you riot. When you lose a game, you riot. When spring comes, you riot. African-American Heritage Festival weekend, you riot..."

"They think it's fun to flip cars, to really have absolute drunken orgies... I don't want to be at a place that has this kind of culture as a norm."

Actually the drunken orgies kind of sound fun... just kidding! Anyway, Holbrook is taking a lot of heat for her comments, which is absurd. I mean what could possibly give her that impression of tOSU???

TOP 10 COLLEGE FOOTBALL FANS

Normally, we are strictly opposed to recycling our own material. But I spent a lot of time on this article about the Top 10 Fans in College Football. So in this case, you'll take our recyclables and like it!

And no, even the hard hat frat dudes weren't enough to get Michigan on the list.


You are a huge nerd.

INTRODUCING: HELL RELL

Forget the much-hyped LP showdown between Kanye West and 50 Cent on Sept. 11 (although we wouldn't mind seeing 50 retire...). The date everyone should be circling on their calendar is Sept. 25, when Hell Rell's debut "For The Hell of It" hits shelves.

Just check out the cover of this soon-to-be masterpiece.



What can we say, folks? Gold fronts are out, bullets for teeth are in. The Diplomats have done it again!

P.S. We are contacting our dentists immediately!

REALEST OF THE WEEK

We're not gonna dooooo what you think we're gonna dooooo and just name Miss South Carolina - Lauren Caitlin - the Realest of the Week. However we will stop to acknowledge the fact this girl is representing the same state Ken Wall grew up in, which explains a lot. In case you didn't know, he's still embarrassed about getting held back in 1st grade for trouble with the English language.

Or possibly the giant inflatable Atlanta Falcon who merked Pop Warner football players at halftime of this week's Monday Night Football game (all credit to The Dude on that one).

But the ROW is reserved for a young lady even more special than Miss South Carolina, known to as simply as "Ashley." As you can see from this footage during a Toronto Argonauts game a couple weeks back, Ashley might also have rocks for brains, but she's also got a lot of heart.

I think it's safe to say Ashley won't be playing "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" at her birthday party anytime soon.

By the way, Canadians are slowly creeping up on the Japanese as the craziest bastards alive.

Note: Make sure you check out the reverse angle slow-motion replay. Brilliant!

IT'S GETTING HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP

We're getting real tired of decent American tennis players dating hot chicks.

It was one thing for Andy Roddick to hook up with Mandy Moore (he is currently dating Maria Sharapova). At least he's won a Grand Slam. But this James Blake character really pushes our buttons.

For a guy that's never even won anything of importance, the amount of ass this guy pulls in is ridiculous.

His old flame was former USF volleyball star Jennifer Scholle (left). After that fizzled out, he's reportedly picked up USA soccer player Heather Mitts (right). Don't get us started on her old boyfriend, A.J. Feeley. Seriously girl, you gotta start raising your standards!



Seriously, these kind of hot chicks should be reserved for Tiger Woods, Tom Brady and.... well, that's about it.

Oh well, at least we have a reason to look forward to the U.S. Open now.

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Here's a clip of IFL fighter Ben Rothwell pummeling a fat kid that looks like Andy Milanokis. Who says MMA isn't a sport?

HERBIE NOT FULLY LOADED

We'll always call Kirk Herbstreit a homer (especially after putting Steve Breaston on blast late last year for no reason), but no one knows more about college football than Herbie.

Unfortunately, after reading his 7th Annual Herbie Awards, ESPN's lead college football analyst apparently has some offseason rust.

In it, Herbstreit lists Rutgers' Eric Foster as the 6th best inside linebacker in the country AND the 6th best defensive tackle (Note: Many scouts predict Foster will become a LB at the pro level, but to list him as one is blatantly wrong). Woah, Ms. Lippy. Did Eric Foster clone himself in the offseason?

No biggie, Kirk. Most Buckeye fans probably wouldn't be able to spell his name, so kudos for that.

DREW HENSON GETS CUT - AGAIN

We've been dreading this day since the Freep ran a dismal feature on Drew Henson a few weeks ago. Drew Henson has been cut by the Minnesota Vikings.

In competition with Coastal Carolina rookie Tyler Thigpen, an option quarterback in college, Henson couldn't snag the third-string spot on a depth chart with Tarvaris Jackson and Brooks Bollinger at the top.

What's next? It's hard to say, but considering Childress was basically doing Henson a favor, it's hard to believe anyone else would give him a chance. Henson can't even turn to NFL Europe anymore with that league folded. All that's left is the CFL or Arena ball, which no Michigan Man would ever take part of.

The only viable option we see left is for Drew to head home and set up a sporting goods store in Brighton. Hey, it could be worse... right?

MOTOWN PHILLY BACK AGAIN

I had the privilege to take in a Philadelphia Phillies game at Citizens Bank Park last night. After spending just 3 hours with them, Phillie fans will always have special place in my heart.

Despite throwing just 84 pitches, Charlie "Mumbles" Manuel decides to take Kyle Lohse out in the 6th inning with Philly up, 2-1. Like everyone else in the stadium, we just waited for the decision to blow up in Manuel's face.

As soon as Flash Gordon gave up a solo shot to Milton Bradley, boos were raining down from the stands and people were calling for Manuel's head (prodded along by us, of course).

I'm especially proud of stirring up the fans with this gem: "HOW ON EARTH DID WE END UP WITH A MANAGER SO BEEFHEADED?!?!??!"

I haven't seen a fan-base turn on its team that fast since the St. Louis Rams "faithful" mercilessly booed their own team during the 2004 NFC Divisional Playoffs against Carolina.

We thought it couldn't get any better. That is, until Brett Myers ran out of the bullpen in the ninth inning to P.O.D.'s "Light's Out".

"Hey, isn't that the guy who beat his wife?" asked a friend.

Before we had a chance to answer, Kevin Kouzmanoff was in the middle of crushing one out of the park. The last 15 minutes were spent mercilessly booing Myers and Manuel, while commenting on how - at that very moment - Mrs. Myers was hurrying to get the kids in the car for an "emergency trip to Grandma's" on the Jersey shore.

As if the night wasn't complete, we wake up to find this exchange between Myers and Philly Inquirer reporter Sam Carchidi (pretty ballsy to ask a known rageaholic to spell retarded for you). If you get a chance, please e-mail Sam for a job well done.

THE END FOR DAVID BOSTON?

Hard to believe David Boston is just 29-years-old. It's been four years since Boston went apeshit on the league, totaling 98 catches for nearly 1,600 yards and 8 TD (Cough... steroids... cough, cough...).

Though, we'll always remember him for getting owned by Charles Woodson in the '97 Ohio State-Michigan game.

Boston was busted for a DUI in Tampa after he "was found slumped over the steering wheel of a red Range Rover on Thursday evening, police said.

The SUV was running and in drive. An officer woke up Boston, who said he was headed to Tampa International Airport."

Smooth Dave. Real smooth.

TWO HAWKEYES ABOUT TO BE JAIL BIRDS

Pop Quiz: What's the first thing you do after getting busted for running a credit card scam?

A: Take down the pictures of you and your boy flashing big face huns on your Facebook account:



Iowa receivers Dominique Douglas (right) and Anthony Bowman (left) didn't make that connection in time.

Well, that's one less game we need to worry about Morgan Trent...

Note: Incredible find from the boys over at The Hawkeye Compulsion.

Late Addition: Speaking of facebook, Marques Slocum really didn't help our defense of athletes' diplomas.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

I'll spare you the "YouTube is the greatest invention ever" speech and just present this montage of late Brazilian soccer referee "Margarida" (Portugese for "daisy" and real name Jorge José Emiliano dos Santos), who looks more like a magical sprite than a ref.

What can you say? The guy was really, really... gay.


Note: A tip of the cap to Sports Rumblings for the discovery and to whoever put together this masterpiece.

WR LEAVES "U" TO DEAL CRACK FULL-TIME

Note to Miami President Donna Shalala: Don't let Randy Shannon speak to the press.

With the Hurricanes' move to Dolphins Stadium becoming national news, another curious decision in Coral Gables has gone completely unnoticed. From the Miami Herald:

Redshirt freshman wide receiver George Robinson has left the Hurricanes.

Coach Randy Shannon said Robinson left the team to pursue another career opportunity.

Another career opportunity? Oh, you mean dealing crack...

Seriously, what legitimate career opportunity does a teenage college dropout come across in Miami?

Come on, coach - is this the best you can come up with? Let's hope Coach Shannon gets his shit squared away before the first player from "The U" gets arrested under his watch, which should be any day now.

And yes, this is now a blog dedicated to the University of Miami.

GOODBYE TO THE O.B.?

It's a sad day for college football fans everywhere, as the Miami Herald is reporting the University of Miami will vote on Tuesday to move from the Orange Bowl to Dolphins Stadium. With no further use, it's only a matter of time until the dump is demolished.

Affectionately known as The O.B., we'd like to bid fairwell to this cesspool by counting down the 10 Greatest Moments in O.B. History:

10. Scott Bentley's National Title FG: Considering FSU's history, this might have been the most clutch kick in college football - ever. The win gave Bobby Bowden his first national championship, which also makes this the worst moment in O.B. history.

9. "Wide Left": Yeah, it was a great game. But the media beat us over the head with, "Get it? They always miss wide right? But this time it was wide left!" Yeah, we got it.

8. Jackie "Stonehaven" Smith: Like #10, also a candidate for the worst moment in Orange Bowl history. Well it was certainly memorable. With a chance to tie Super Bowl XIII with under two minutes left, Smith had the biggest drop in NFL history. The result? This.

7. Lynn's Swann-Like Catch: Can you name one Super Bowl clip before this involving a pass? We didn't think so.

6. "Wide Right III": The game that put Miami back on the map. Have we mentioned how much we hate Florida State?

5. Kellen Winslow Sr. Carried Off The Field: Considered one of the greatest games in NFL history, Winslow was so dehydrated he had to be carried off the field after "The Epic in Miami." Some people still accuse him of grandstanding. If that's the case, Winslow sold us.

4. Kellen Winslow Jr.'s "I'm a F*ckin' Solider!" Speech: To this day, we have no idea what the hell K2 was talking about. Who cares? Not only did he make an ass of himself, this is when the phrase "The U" really caught on. This clip doesn't even include Winslow saying to the media, "Go make your money off that" and a reporter responding, "Oh, we will." Truly a classic.



3. Joe Namath Running Off Field At Super Bowl III: One of the most famous images in NFL history, yet nowhere to be found on Google Images. We never liked you Steve Sabol.

2. Lamar Thomas: "You Don't Come In The O.B. Playin' That Stuff!": Like K2, this is the incoherent rambling of a mad man - and we love it. Poor Lamar was the scapegoat for this fiasco while Brandon Meriweather got suspended one game for stomping on FIU players.



1. Flutie's Hail Mary: Ah, Flutie to Phalen. We have nothing to add to this:

HOLY COW! THEISMANN MUNCHES ON BOX

And to think two years ago, these guys were ESPN's lead broadcasting team for Sunday Night Football.

While watching the Redskins game on Saturday, I couldn't believe my ears: "Did Mike Patrick just say Joe Theismann likes to munch on box?" Without a TiVo available, I thought my question would go unanswered for all eternity. Once again YouTube has come to the rescue.

Papa John's will never taste the same...

ANOTHER REASON BEING AN S.I.D. SUCKS

This video's been almost everywhere, but with just 13 days left until college football arrives, we are chomping at the bit for any Gameday footage.

As if an SID's life isn't miserable enough, Sascha Baron Cohen tricked the 'Bama SID into asking Shaud Williams about taking it in the pooper, presumably in 2003. In his defense, Cohen probably sent the credential request through HBO which is pure genius.

Still, you gotta wonder if that guy still has his job...

OK, THIS IS GETTING PATHETIC

Suing Michael Vick for $63 billion? Badass. Suing Hank Aaron's bat? Not so much.

Hey buddy, maybe you should spend less time writing lawsuits and more time protecting your asshole.

I'M A SUH-VI-VUH!

Man, that looks painful (but you gotta give B props for hoppin' back up and continuing to head bang):



You know what looks more painful? This:



We're The Realests. Never forget it.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

People keep asking us, "Whatever happened to the Realest of the Week?" To which we respond, "Whatever happened to people being real?"

South Carolina inmate Jonathan Lee Riches decided to do something about it and sued Michael Vick for $63 billion.

Bravo to you, good sir!

SCREW MADDEN - WHERE'S GLANVILLE '08?

After seeing this clip, it's a real wonder Jerry Glanville's Pigskin Footbrawl (1990) never got off the ground like Madden NFL did. Who knew there wasn't a market for Vikings and trolls running up and down a battlefield with a football, punching each other in the face? Uncle Jerry still seems confused by its failure.

By the way, don't waste your time Googling Glanville's whereabouts. He's the new coach at I-AA Portland State. Nice shades.

***Warning: Watching more than 30 seconds of this game at a time is likely to result in an epileptic seizure.***

CORRECTION - OH BABY!!!!!

In an earlier post about the Rucker Park MC, we mistakenly identified him as MC Hannibal. His name is actually Duke Tango. We are jackasses.

SPENCER PRATT: COOL AS CHLAMYDIA

With the debut of The Hills: Season 3 last night on MTV and Spencer's proposal to Heidi, we thought it'd be a perfect time to dig up a great article on our road dogs Spencer & Brody.

This piece ran a long time ago in Details and got major pub, but there still a lot of people I run into that aren't familiar with it. What's supposed to be a feature on Jenner turns into Pratt looking like a shit bag. There are too many notable quotes to put them all in here, so we'll just leave you with one:

“This whole scene, this whole town—it’s all so fake. It’s like a movie set, like my life is a movie set. These people, they all think this is real, but it’s not. I wanna meet a girl who has nothing to do with L.A., a nice, normal, real girl. Actually, you know, that’s gonna be a component of our new MTV show—me leaving L.A. to meet a normal girl. It might be hard, though, with all the cameras.”

Process that shit, bro.

REAL NBA QUOTES

We live in a world where everything has been reduced down to a single sound bite. If you can't get your point across in one witty sentence, you might as well keep your piehole shut. Movie and TV studios pay writers millions of dollars a year to come up with witty taglines and dialogue that will stick around in the cultural zeitgeist.

Live together, die alone. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom. Very niiiiice. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.

Of course, these are great lines. But if you want spontaneous hilarity without paying for it? Well, just go up to an NBA player and ask him a question. The mix of money, swag, and a complete lack of humility (and often times, common sense) provides the setup for a perfect quote. We realize that we're missing a ton of quotes (so feel free to add them in the comments) but here are our Top 10 Realest NBA quotes:

1. Kevin Garnett - On getting ready for Game 7 of the Western Conference Semis..."This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher. I'm ready for war."
2. Antoine Walker - On why he shoots so many 3's..."Because there are no fours."
3. Latrell Sprewell - On why he held turned down a $14.6 million contract extension..."Why would I want to help them win a title? They're not doing anything for me. I've got a lot at risk here. I've got my family to feed.
4. Rasheed Wallace - On meeting George Bush after winning the 2004 title..."I don’t have shit to say to him. I didn’t vote for him. It’s just something we have to do."
5. Mike James - On free agency..."I'm just tired of being treated like a cheap prostitute."
6. Karl Malone - On dunking..."What excites me the most is when a coach calls a timeout and chews out his forward because I just dunked on his head."
7. Ricky Davis - On dunking on Steve Nash while kicking him in the head..."Oh shit! Oh shit!"
8. Dikembe Mutombo - On soliciting women to have sex with Mutombo..."Who wants to sex Mutombo?!?"
9. Rasheed Wallace - On crap-ass Darko Milicic..."I'm telling you, Darko is a Serbian gangster. Darko's got some bodies back there. He can go psycho on guys."
10. Charles Barkley - Mocking Vince Carter's injuries and his "Half-man, half-amazing" nickname..."That's Vince Carter for you. Half-man, half a season"
    

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO TODD STINKSTON?

Shocking news out of the nation's capital today: The Redskins have signed former Eagles receiver Todd Pinkston (Len Pasquarelli rejoice!), best known for his infamous act of cowardice in 2005 (see below). As many times as people write Pinkston was ducking Sean Taylor, he was actually spooked by Ryan Clark - which is even more pathetic.

Considering this guy played opposite T.O. in Philly, it's pretty hard to believe he hasn't appeared in an NFL game since Super Bowl XXXIX. Yikes!

As for the Redskins, this move doesn't make a lot of sense. Yeah, Brandon Lloyd "Banks" is an extremely weak No. 2 receiver, but surely Pinkston isn't the answer.

To be quite honest, we wonder if defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was behind this move and just plans on using Pinkston as a rag doll for Sean "The Don" Taylor for the rest of training camp.

Let's hope Pinkston has insurance...

SHANE BATTIER: OFFICIALLY WHITE

We've been poking fun at Shane Battier's whiteness for years now, but the former Dukie has taken it to a whole new level with this YouTube clip of him doing country karaoke:



Sugar Shane has now catapulted over Wayne Brady as the second-whitest black person in America:

5. Kevin Frazier: How can a self-respecting man work for ET?
4. Richard Jefferson: Ugh, we hate that bubble tattoo!
3. Wayne Brady: Was #1 until he made this
2. Shane Battier: Sorry Shane, we got nothing but love for you
1. Michael Jackson: Boo!

DREW HENSON'S 2 LEGIT 2 QUIT

It's time for our annual Drew Henson update!

Thanks to the Freep, we got an inside look at Vikings training camp today, where Henson is battling against Coastal Carolina rookie Tyler Thigpen for a roster spot (In case you were wondering, the starting QB job is up for grabs between Tarvaris Jackson and Brooks Bollinger, who couldn't hold Henson's jock strap in college).

The lead - describing Henson in a recent practice - is a little painful to read:

"The first spiral wobbled through the hot, thick air, slightly off its axis. The second ball wasn't even a spiral. It hurtled on a wayward arc like a sack of potatoes, or a tossed goat, spinning end over end, before it bounced awkwardly on the grass beyond the sidelines, at least 15 yards from the closest receiver."

It's nice to see Drew is still in good spirits during what must seem like a never-ending nightmare for the former Wolverine/Yankee/Cowboy.

Keep your fingers crossed Henson can beat out this Thigpen character. Of course, after we mocked Henson's competition last year at this time, the guy turned out to be a Pro Bowler.

Just Drew's luck...

G-UNOT!

After claiming he worshiped the "late profit" Mohammed Atta following Sept. 11, I thought a rapper as dumb as Juelz Santana only came along once in a lifetime.

That is until G-Unit's latest masterpiece "We On Some Shit" - where Tony Yayo drops this bomb:

"I’ll put the tek to you n***as; Virginia Tech you n***as."

I mean, seriously. Imagine if Yayo was an athlete. This would be the Michael Vick dogfighting story times 10. This would be on the level of the "Jerome Bettis is from Detroit" story on Super Bowl week. Instead, this goes completely unnoticed except for a couple hip-hop blogs putting him on blast.

Ridiculous.

Hey Yayo: What's next, beating up 14-year old kids? Oh wait...

IS TOM BRADY REALLY THE FATHER?

Holy mackerel, Bridget Moynahan is huge!!!

Going into her 33rd month of pregnancy (seriously, when is this kid gonna pop out already?), we find it very suspicious that the child is in the shape of a football, as seen in today's New York Post.

Tom might want to slap Bridge with a paternity test to make sure the dad isn't actually Super Bowl XLII's Spike the Super Ball, the Shawn Kemp of mascots and our personal nemesis.


How many bastard children do you have Spike?!

CONGRATS TO RICK ANKIEL

If you didn't get a chance to see Rick Ankiel's homer last night in his triumphant return to the majors, do yourself a favor and check out this clip:



When Ankiel announced he was making a comeback as an outfielder in the spring of 2005, people either shook their heads in shame for the kid or laughed their asses off (count us in the latter department). Most recently, we gave Ankiel a #4 seed in our "Who's Not" tournament to determine the exact opposite of the total sports star.

But we gotta say: Making in to the big leagues as a pitcher, going all the way back to Single A ball and then returning as an outfielder? That's impressive.

Tony LaRussa said it was the happiest moment he's had as Cards manager aside from winning the World Series and almost broke down in tears. Meanwhile, Ankiel's agent is probably waking up to calls from half of Hollywood for the movie rights. And finally, the man who's been dodging interviews for about seven years now, we even saw Rick Ankiel laugh - if only for a split second.

It's your world Rick. We're just a couple of squirrels trying to get a nut.

DOWN WITH L.A. RAG MAG

Let us start off by saying we normally don't address internet rumors.

But the latest gossip coming out of L.A. is so salicious we feel obligated to respond.

Via the AOL Fanhouse, the most recent pathetic celebrity blog - L.A. Rag Mag - is "reporting" that Jessica Alba has genital herpes... and got it from none other than The Captain, Derek Jeter:

Jessica Alba (before she was Jessica Alba) used to date Derek Jeter, the serial celebrity dater, who plays for the NY Yankees. Well, our source who worked for one of their camps, had to refill her Valtrex prescription for her on a regular basis! Guess who she got it from…that’s right… dirty Derek Jeter.

This might be the most vicious celebrity gossip since it was rumored Richard Gere went to the hospital after sticking a gerbil up his ass.

Let's hope this ends in a multi-million dollar lawsuit and Jessica remains in the spank bank where she belongs.

REALESTS' TRIBUTE TO SPORT STACHES

If you haven't already heard, former Mets first baseman and current SNY announcer Keith Hernandez was named the "Top Sports Mustache of All Time" by the American Mustache Institute (or "AMI", as the cool kids are calling it).

The results were as follows:

1. Keith Hernandez - 31.7%
2. Rollie Fingers - 23.9%
3. Al Hrabosky - 12.3%
4. Lanny McDonald - 10.2%
5. Dale Earnhardt - 6.8%
6. Hulk Hogan - 6.1%

Personally, we think Fingers got screwed simply because Hernandez is basically a parody of himself now. And poor Lanny McDonald - the guy basically has a harmonica over his mouth and still ends up in fourth place.

We also would like to add some serious omissions with a list of The Realests' Honorable Mention:

Jake Plummer - Now retired, pondering a future in the porno industry.
Gary McCord - Just the flat-out dirt bag look. Always in style.
Jeff Hostetler - Who can forget about The Hoss?
Bill Cowher - Better known for The Chin, but the stache ain't too shabby.
Ozzie Smith - Straight old school.
Vikings logo - When was the last time you saw a fu manchu like that?
Bob Wickman - Hey B Dubb, is that a vagina on your face?
Randy Johnson - Don't hate him cuz he's beautiful, people...

THE DAY WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

We are proud to bring you the trailer for Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 13-22 which is out on August 21st. You read that right: 10 more chapters of creative genius all at once.

Somewhere, Braylon Edwards is breaking down in tears. So is Gary Sheffield.

Hey Kels, what ever happened to those sex charges?

A WARNING SHOT

We've gotten too big for our britches, bitches.

In the next couple of days we'll be compiling our 1st Annual List of People That We Are Better Than.

No one is safe.

Protect ya neck.

ATTENTION DICKRIDERS

We really lit a fire under the ass of our readers of late, especially Florida State fans. Well for all you haters out there, we have an announcement to make:

Our blog is worth 27 grand.

That's right. We said it: $27,000.

How did this site come up with that number? Who the hell cares?

We're rich bitch!!!!

On a side note: To the guy who asked us to name a Florida State player that has been arrested this century, we present these archived stories on Ernie Sims and A.J. Nicholson - two of Tallahasee's finest. Oh yeah, and we almost forgot the Lorenzo Booker incident - at least they decided to keep it "in house" that time!

P.S. If you'd like to get ahold of The Realests tonight to congratulate us, we'll be at the 40/40 Club. Ask for the guys Making It Rain in the VIP lounge.


Eat it Bowden!


Suck on that Sterger!

NOT REAL: AIR CONDITIONERS

Specifically, my air conditioner. At some point during arguably the hottest and most humid (that would be humidest for all you English majors out there) night of the summer, my air conditioner decided to call it quits and abdicate its sworn duty of cooling air. As a result, I woke up this morning (and several times during the night), with Patrick Ewing-like sweat and skin stickier than Lucky Lucy after Friday Night Bukkake.

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to chronicle all of the thoughts flowing through my head:

1. Anyone that thinks calling UF's sports teams the "Gaytors" is clever should check to see if their mom and sister are the same person.
2. Barry Bonds forgot to thank Balco.
3. Jim recently ruined a major part of Season 4 of Lost by reading an entertainment magazine. This is serious and it is only going to get worse. As a result, Jim and I have decided to enter into complete communication silence in the months leading up to the season premiere of Lost in January. We will be hiring 2 interns to screen every form of communication (talking, writing, email, dogs barking, etc.) that could reveal the secrets of the island. It'll be a tough but enjoyable job. We're hoping Jessica Alba applies.
   
4. Want to know what the Lost Spoiler was? Sawyer is an Other. Suck on that.
5. Bad news for Johnny Cakes.
   
6. If one more person calls Weezy F. the greatest rapper alive, we're going to give up on rap music. Actually, that's not true - let me revise. If one more magazine calls Weezyana the greatest rapper alive, WE will then call him the greatest rapper alive and claim that we did it before everyone else. That sounds about right.
7. We've put ads on the blog. Now, we're taking the next step and auctioning off the blog in its entirety. Bidding starts at $400,000 OR 400 ham and cheese omelettes (egg whites only) OR 400 turkey burgers with fried eggs on top.
8. Jim and I are shooting our version of this picture.
   

APOCALYPSE NOW

Kanye v. 50 Cent is shaping up to be a monster day for the record industry. Both rappers are planning on releasing their albums on September 11th and letting the chips fall where they may. There's been a lot of trash talk already between both sides - 50 said that Jay-Z wouldn't be stupid enough to let Kanye's sales get merked by 50 and Kanye said that he ain't never scurred.

In an effort to make this whole thing a little more absurd, 50 Cent has accepted an invitation to debate Kanye on BET.

We're not sure exactly what the debate is going to be about. If it is about who is going to sell more albums, this could be the most boring debate in history. Let's just say that great orators like Lincoln, Douglass, Kennedy, and King shouldn't be worried that one of these two idiots will steal their shine.

Either way, we're in favor of suspending the 1st Amendment on the day of the debate so that it can't occur.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

We've got to tip our cap to former Florida Law School student Jason Paul Rojas, an attorney that was just suspended from the Florida Bar for 60 days for housing Florida State's 1993 & 1999 Waterford Crystal trophies from winning the national title those years.

Rojas, 30, stored one of the trophies in a white plastic garbage bag at home and the other was kept in a storage facility. OK, so the guy wasn't exactly a mastermind.

But let's just call it poetic justice that any team led by Peter Warrick would get its trophy jacked. We're also sorry to the see the justice system has failed in this case with a cruel and unusual punishment - how's dude supposed to get a job after getting suspended over a frat prank?

Wouldn't it have been enough to make this guy defend all the FSU players that get arrested over the next year?

FINALLY, A DUKE WE LIKE

It's a slow news day (a slow news month, actually), so we're going to take this opportunity to get on top of our soap box and demand an NBA franchise hire Rucker Park's Duke Tango as its next PA announcer. This is the sort of thing that can't wait until we get rich and buy the Atlanta Hawks.

Don't recognize the name? That's because you probably know him as the guy that just keeps screaming "OH BABY!!! OHHHHHHH BAH-BY!!!!!!!" at the Rucker.

And yet the best Tango can do is end up on the AND1 Mixtape Tour. It's unreal that Mason of the Detroit Pistons can come the most famous PA announcer in sports simply from thinking of "De-troit Bas-ket-ball!" while Tango still can't find an NBA gig despite being the Steve Nash of dishing out nicknames.

True, the constant screaming would drive away elderly fans and piss off veteran players. But it's a risk we're willing to take. And after the Tim Donaghy scandal, it should be one the NBA is worth taking as well.

Personally, we think Tango would be perfect for the Brooklyn Nets when they finally end up moving out of East Rutherford.

Jigga - are you listening?

Until then, we'll just have to continue enjoying playing this clip on a loop:

TRAVIS HENRY: NOT YOUR AVERAGE BACK

Following up on the J Leman mullet comes a story in the Denver Post about another huge hick: Travis Henry.

Frostproof is Travis Henry's Tampa-area hometown, with a population of 2,954 — and shrinking. And Henry is related to just about every one of its citizens, on his mom's side.

"My great-grandmamma had 11 or 12 kids," Henry said. "From those 12 kids, they each had 10-plus. So, I have way more than 100 cousins. Everybody in Frostproof is kin. It's a small town and just about everybody calls each other 'cuz.' "

You don't find many people bragging about that outside the state of West Virginia.


Stop the in-breeding!

THE ESSENCE OF BEAUTY

Yes, we are quoting Zoolander again. But we have good reason. Brian at MGoBlog dug up this picture of Illinois linebacker J "Don't call me Jay" Leman. What do you expect from a kid with a dad named "Happy"?

You wanna talk about business in the front, party in the back! That right there is on the level of Randy Johnson, Barry Melrose and John Kruk in their prime.

OSU fans must be kicking themselves for letting him get away to a Big 10 foe.

HAS CNN GONE MAD?

It was only a matter of time until someone made a funny spoof of Obama Girl. But CNN - who knew?

REALESTS' TAKE ON GARNETT DEAL

We know you're already getting beaten over the head with columnists everywhere weighing in on the KG trade but as fans of Eastern Conference powers (Cleveland & Detroit), we feel we have something to add to this discussion.

That's right: The Realests are calling foul.

Is anyone noticing that Kevin McHale is like that guy in your fantasy league that has completely given up and decides to dick everyone else over by accepting the ridiculous "a bunch of shitty players for one sweet player trade" that both sides swear is a legit deal, when they are really colluding?

Take a second to marinate on that.

What's next, the despicable "emptying the roster by putting everyone left on waivers" finale? At least that way the Cavs and Pistons would have a fair shot at landing Ricky Davis.