BAN JAY BILAS FROM MICHIGAN COVERAGE

Listening to Jay Bilas during the last 5 minutes of today's Michigan basketball game was like Chinese water torture.

Keep in mind, this is the same guy that said Michigan was getting screwed if they didn't get a bid to the NCAA Tournament last year.

Well with time running out, Bilas started searching for reasons - er, excuses - why we suck.

His first idea?

We were trying TOO hard. Jay, did you notice Amaker benched all the starters in the last game? I wonder why that is.... I guess the guys were trying so hard in practice, Tommy decided to give them the extra rest.

And did anyone notice how when they sent it back to the studio, Rick Majerus and Steve Lavin kept calling Michigan "apathetic" and "lethargic"?

Then either Bilas or Raftery said it's "not about the X's and O's with this team, it's mental." Actually, X's and O's are exactly our problem! We don't even have them because Amaker doesn't run an offense! Instead of X's and O's, we just get the twirly finger.

Then Bilas topped it all off with this gem: "If they could get some scoring, this would be a completely different team."

Just like Amaker. It all sounds so simple.


Another reason to hate Duke...

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK: GILBERT

We expect the whole truth and nothing but the truth from Gilbert Arenas. This is the guy that brought you this last postseason:



This is also the same guy that ripped Mike D’Antoni and Nate McMillan before the World Championships, then quitting Team U.S.A. and promising to average 50 points against the Suns and Trailblazers this year (oh by the way, he put up 54 on the Suns on Dec. 22).

So when Kobe Bryant said Arenas shoots without a conscience, we figured Gilbert was just a ticking time bomb to go off and everybody already knew how Gilbert was going to fire back (more on that later).

Well Gilbert has spoken. Unfortunately, he didn’t really say anything. From the Washington Post:

"If someone downgrades, they really care; it really hurt them. That's how I look at it. If he didn't comment, he didn't acknowledge it. But for him to comment, I really got to him. A great player like him, you have to do something to that level to get his respect."

Fuck that shit!

The ONLY acceptable response here is this:

“Where was Kobe’s conscience in that Colorado hotel room?”

As Ari Gold would say: BOOM!

It’s great because although it does imply Kobe is guilty, it works either way because he still cheated on his wife.

Gilbert, we expected more out of you….

WE'RE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

Sorry for the break, even we need Christmas off people. Once again, The Diplomats sum up our emotions best:

SHAMAKER TAKES 'M' HOOPS TO NEW LOW

As freshmen, me and my fellow classmates endured one of the most embarassing moments in Michigan sports history.

"34-2."

For those that have supressed this moment from their memory, that's the score Michigan trailed by at Duke on Dec. 9, 2000 (for extra fun, check out the starting lineups for that game here).

The Cameron Crazies chanted it the entire game and all anyone could say on campus for a week was, "34 to fuckin' 2!" Although we still haven't lived that humiliation down, one good thing resulted: it became the rallying cry for Brian Ellerbe's head.

This whole game was Amaker's 34-2. A 37-point loss to a marginally more talented and extremely undersized UCLA team was just as embarassing.

Consider the fact that this was UCLA's biggest win of the season. That means Chaminade, Long Beach St., UC Riverside, CS Fullerton, Oakland and Sam Houston State were all more competitive than Big Blue. And the only reason Amaker's "Point a Minute Team" reached 55 points is because the Bruins put the defense on cruise control as soon as they went up by 20.

By the way, how sweet was it when - coming out of a commercial break - CBS played "There must be some kinda way outta here!" Spectacular.

Of course, Amaker always thinks the problems are just so simple: we were too nervous, turned the ball over too much and started pressing. Maybe those excuses would have flown a couple years ago, but we're starting four seniors! Go ahead and guess how many seniors UCLA has on its entire team.

ZERO. And three of their starters are sophomores.

So at this point Bill Martin has three options:

1) Schedule 25 nonconference games
2) Join the MAC in men's and women's basketball
3) Replace Tommy Amaker next season and risk losing Manny Harris and Alex Legion

Only 45 more days until Sims-Oden I, folks! And don't worry, we're trying to set up a web page with a countdown clock with the same graphics and sound as "24."

BRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLIN!!!

Amazing story from yesterday's New York Post about the son of late Giants owner Wellington Mara:

Tomasulo said the bizarre broker brouhaha broke out at around 10:30 a.m., after he walked past (Stephen) Mara and pretended to do a basketball jump shot, mocking the celebratory on-field routine performed by Big Blue players after touchdowns and sacks...

"At first, he got me in a bear hug and bent me over a trading post. At first, I thought it was a joke. Then he proceeded to choke me. I passed out for a minute."

You can't make this shit up.

A. We've said it about The Diplomats before, people: It's not just about music, it's a movement.

B. Where is the credit for Jim Jones in this article? Michael Strahan did not invent the jump shot!

C. We wonder if this Tomasulo fellow screamed "Ballin'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in Mara's face. Leave it to the Post to omit that crucial element from this story...

D. The Diplomats are hood rats. Period.


Skip forward to the 2:00 mark on this...


Talk about sellouts. We love this Asian actor that agreed to be play a stereotypical L.A. Quickie Mart owner, topped with the implication Jim Jones shoot him in the face...

2006 REALEST OF THE YEAR: US

By now, everyone's heard about Time Magazine's "Person of the Year":



Usually I'd leave it up to Daily Arts to come up with this sort of crap (I'm sure they will plagiarize it soon).

There were plenty of good candidates to choose from, including: Jack Bauer (how many times does this guy have to save your ass to win this thing?), The LeBrons, Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Moondog, Ron Mexico (OK, maybe he should have been the 2005 Person of the Year), this dude, Jim Jones, Isiah Thomas and Phil Brabbs.

So we decided it was time to announce the second annual Realest of the Year (if you recall, the 2005 winner was a mouse riding a cat riding a dog... yes, you read that correctly).

We once again look like prophets after a near dead-on prediction 12 months ago of this year's winner, which is:


(Photo credit: T-Dizzle)

Yeah, we said it.

Us.

Do we really have to validate this?

No.

But just for the sake of self-promotion, we will. And what better way to do an end-of-the-year special than a Top 10 countdown of our realest moments?

Let's do this:

10. 24 – Realest Style

Varun really carried this sketch with his dead-on Tony Almeda impression. Special thanks to Ken Wall and Lofa Tatupu for guest appearances:

9. Coaching Candidates for "The U"

We’re especially proud of this entry due to the fact that Dennis Erickson actually landed a job at a big-time program. It’ll be great to see him next year wearing a visor with the Devil on it.

8. Braylicious

Another of our most recent hits, we can’t get enough of Braylon Edwards. And neither can Braylon:

7. “Whoop That Trick”

This was really a gem at the time. As Varun likes to say, it’s everything that’s right about college basketball:

6. Discovering Max Meisel

When we found this kid, he was a 5-foot-4 scrub. Well, he still is. But now he’s the Syracuse Rudy that tried to take a porn star to prom. Talk about hooking a guy up. Who has done more for an individual collegiate athlete in the past ten years? Jerry Tarkanian? Ed Martin?

5. Gawker Beef

The fact that Daily Arts did an interview with Gawker’s Jessica Coen just legitimizes the fact we called her a bitch.



4. "Measly Penny"

Big props to Scott Bell and The Michigan Daily sports section on this one. The song’s pretty whack, but whoever said, “Bitch, you don’t know LeBron James!” is a genius (again, we took the song down because it was slowing down the site, but trust us - we still have a copy).



3. Saving Gunston’s Ass

We don’t want to toot our own horn (that’s a lie), but there was nothing more satisfying this year than saving Gunston from being put to sleep. Now he’s a cult figure with over 2,500 Facebook friends (note: we are counting the Gunston-Moondog Beef as part of this moment to avoid repetition).

1. Anchondo

Was there ever any doubt?

Any questions?

P.S. Big shout-out to our devoted reader in Cary, North Carolina - the most dedicated Realest reader of 2006

TIMBERLAKE'S NEW HIT: "DICK IN A BOX"

I'm sure everyone has seen this by now, but just in case (by the way, shouldn't Andy Samberg start getting stock options from YouTube at this point, and is it possible this song is too catchy? I can't get it out of my head):

DONNIE EDWARDS IS AFRAID OF GRASS

There are certain characters in sports that just can't be explained (i.e. Zoltan Mesko). And San Diego Chargers linebacker Donnie Edwards is one of them:

A) Isn't this the guy that lost his mind on an MNF game and had like 5 personal fouls for facemasks?

B) He's friends with Mario Lopez

C) Guess why this guy wears long sleeves, no matter the weather....

Straight from the media guide:

"Interestingly, he also is allergic to grass."

I'm sorry, but that's pretty lame.


I can't respect a man that is afraid of grass...

MIKE HART BETTER WORK ON HIS MOVES

"YouTube: The Gift and The Curse"

The Gift:


The Curse:

CARMELO, THE GAME AND SNITCHIN'

I hope one thing comes out of tonight's fight between the Knicks and Nuggets: Carmelo Anthony labeled a bitch.

If you watch the replay closely, Melo thinks he is all hard cuz he shoves over Channing Frye - the Courtney Sims of the NBA. Then when Jared Jeffries became possessed, the world realized what a front Melo really is. Carmelo should never be able to live down running the full length of the court after punching another man in the face.

So that got me searching for Melo's famous "Stop Snitchin'" video where he acts all hard, and I find something almost as good - The Game pleading with 50 Cent to stop snitchin'.

The kicker is the watermark on the screen: "G-unot television." I'm calling our cable operator first thing tomorrow morning.

JASON WILLIAMS DEBUTS IN THE D-LEAGUE

Another classic from Getty Images: photos of Jason Williams' first game in the D-League as a member of the Austin Toros, who dropped to 0-7 last night. Yikes.

Man, it's just depressing to look at some of these, like this one of J-Will running the fast break hopping on one foot:


"Get outta my way dog!"

TOM BRADY SACKS BRIDGET MOYNAHAN

Stunning news out of Boston today: Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan have ended their three-year relationship.

To be honest, we always thought The Golden Boy was slummin' it anyway...

JAKE LONG: A REAL MICHIGAN MAN

This just came across the wire. Is anyone happier than Mike Hart right now?

First-team All-America offensive tackle Jake Long announced Thursday that he will return to Michigan for his senior season.

"It's best for me and for the team," he said. "I looked into it a little bit, but I never was close to leaving. I really want my degree, and we have unfinished business as a team."

The third-ranked Wolverines fell just short of earning a berth in this season's BCS title game in Arizona, and instead will face Southern California in the Rose Bowl on Jan. 1.

We need to start printing these shirts IMMEDIATELY... (Photo credit: T-Dizzle)

BRAYLICIOUS LOOKING SO DELICIOUS

I often joke that Braylon Edwards is a lot like The Claw: they're both creations of The Michigan Daily.

For anyone that wasn't around for Braylon's junior year, dude was buried on the depth chart and going nowhere fast. As Lloyd Carr put it: "We're not on the same page and Braylon's a good reader."

That's when Brady put Braylon on blast, calling him an R. Kelly wanna-be (make sure to read the before and after if you haven't already).

No joke. The very day of the article, Braylon came to his first Monday press conference and proclaimed "I'm not a bad guy" and "I got people like J. Brady McCollough comparin' me to R. Kelly." From then on, the guy shaved his rows, took out the double studs and obliterated the Michigan record books.

He's still an egomanic (like any NFL receiver), but up to this point he's kept it in check despite the fame and millions. But Braylon has been in the news a lot lately for showing up teammates and poppin' off a little too much.

Which leads me to today, when I found this Zoolander-esque feature photo gallery of Braylon on Getty Images that is basically soft-core porn (click here for the full gallery). This was probably the greatest moment of his life:


"Does this mound of dirt accentuate my eyes???"


"Abracadabra BITCH..."


"Come on in to Men's Warehouse today and get 15% off!"


"Thoia, thoia, thoia, thoia thoing!"


I just messed my pants


"God: please have this photo turn out fabulous..."

GEORGE LUCAS IS A HUGE NERD

If you guys haven't already heard, George Lucas is Grand Marshal of the Rose Bowl Parade and will have 200 storm troopers march in the parade. If Bo were still around, he would have an absolute field day on Lucas...

Please tell me the Rose Bowl doesn't turn out like this (except for "Black Wolf The Dragon Master" - he should definitely be in Pasadena):

COLLEGE BASKETBALL ALL-NAME TEAM

After getting positive feedback on the College Football All-Name Team, we decided to scour through all 334 Division I hoops programs to find the best names in college basketball.

There were so few spots and so many deserving candidates that we were forced to compile a first, second and third team.

The findings might surprise you:

COLLEGE BASKETBALL ALL-NAME TEAMS

STARRING:









&



FIRST TEAM

F - Octavius Spann (G'Town): Picked Hoyas for the great med school?
F - Fabio Nass (Miami FL): Baller slash model - not the other way around
C - Austen Powers (CS Northridge): Enter joke here about his mojo
G - DeWayne Reed (Auburn): "They call him The Pharmacist, folks!"
G - Tweety Carter (Baylor): Nicknamed for cries as a baby - not real

SECOND TEAM

F - McHugh Mattis (USF): Looks like this kid was ordered off a value menu
G - Parfait Bitee (Rhode Island): Imagine this kid serving you at Friendly's
G - Matt Coward (VCU): How did this kid survive childhood?
G - Mike Beers (Siena): Frat boys must love chanting his name at games
G - Shy Ely (E'ville): Brother: Shy-Quon; Sister: Shyra - enough already

THIRD TEAM

G - Athanassios Panagiotakopoulos (N. Colorado): This is just gibberish
G - Wink Adams (UNLV): Says in bio he's a Mama's boy - dog, we can tell
G - Woody Payne (Detroit): As if you didn't know, we are really immature
G - Richard Chaney (Troy): "Who wants to go hunting?.... Guys?"
G - Boo Ramsey (Troy): It would be a lot cooler if he was Boo Radley

Note: Special thanks to Isiah Thomas for helping us put the all-guard Third Team team together.

SHOWIN' FOUGAISIES HOW IT'S SUPPOSED 2 GO

OK, so we allowed ourselves to think about the possibility Lamar Odom was a Realests reader. But getting an e-mail like this is just a cold slap in the face:

shiitt, yo - like i have time to take a photo of myself on the internet?

i'm in the NBA, sonns...

all i got time for is blunts, bitches and ballin.

O

Yeah, whatever. Needless to say, this incident is now behind us.

And to think we had already started cutting out a floating Odom head to join our banner headline....

IS MAKING OUT WITH YOUR CREW GANGSTER?

It's been awhile, but I'm sure everyone remembers the Cash Money Billionaires (formerly the Cash Money Millionaires). They came on the scene with "Back That Ass Up", re-inventing rhyme by putting "yeah" or "ah" on the end of every bar.

Well now they are back.

Lil' Wayne has been in the news for ripping Jay-Z and his new album with Baby "The Birdman" entitled, "Like Father, Like Son."

We don't want to come across as homophobes, but we think this picture is a pretty tell-tale sign that rap is losing its damn mind:



That's right folks: that's Lil' Wayne and The Birdman making out (click on the photo to get a better look at the reactions from the dudes on the right).

Why, you ask?

Baby said it's just an example of their father-son relationship, while Lil' Wayne was much more poetic when he explained the situation to Complex magazine:

"I don't fault nobody for misunderstanding. I don't understand a lot of shit. Baby walked in the crib one day and was like, Everybody's doing this black mob shit. When I see you n*ggas, this is what we're gonna do.' And that's why you probably got a picture of me because I stuck with everything that man said. But every n*ggas dont that. I've done kissed (Juvenile and B.G.). No homo."

Lil' Wayne should have stuck with "drop it like it's hot" ...

IT'S TIME TO TURN TO THE HONOR SYSTEM

Didn't Urban Meyer look like a spoiled brat that had gotten his way tonight, with that little smirk on his face?

This is the third time in four years a team has gotten screwed out of the title game (USC, Auburn and now Michigan in 2006) and it's time to stop.

A playoff will never happen because the BCS doesn't want to penalize a team like Ohio State that went undefeated. It would destroy the "every week counts" idea and, to be fair, we would hate a playoff if we went undefeated.

We've devised a much better - and simpler - solution - it's called the honor system.

If two teams are within .02 of each other in the final BCS standings, here's what should happen. The coach of No. 3 should call the coach No. 2 in a conference call with reporters.

For example, this year Lloyd Carr would call Urban Meyer and politely extend an invitation to settle this on the field. If Meyer said yes, Michigan would have to travel to The Swamp and play the Gators next weekend. If Meyer said no, Lloyd would wish him luck in the BCS and call him a bitch.

Now if Ohio State wins the national title, then none of this matters. But if Florida goes on to win the national title, there would be an asterisk permanently next to their name in the NCAA record books that looked like this:

National Champion (Year):
USC (2004)
Texas (2005)
Florida (2006) *

* Cooters

Give us one flaw with this system...


* Cooter

PICK A HEADLINE TO DESCRIBE THIS FEELING

After reading this, which best fits?

A. "Blue-kkake: BCS blows it on M's face"

B. "Fuck the man - and by the man we mean Urban Meyer"

C. "It sucks to be a Michigan Wolverine"

D. "Buttfucked"

We're open to suggestions...

LLOYD CLAPS AT URBAN MEYER - FINALLY

It's about time someone put Urban Meyer in his place. That guy's been whining for weeks now, and even went on Sportscenter last night and said Michigan already had their shot at Ohio State. Normally, I would respect someone poppin' off like that - but not when you come off like a whiny bitch.

Lloyd's response on Michigan Replay:

"I think it's going to be a great controversy, I don't care who gets selected because I just think that based on some of the comments the Florida coach has made in the last two weeks -- campaigning strenuously for a berth in the championship game -- and making some statements about Michigan that I think were inappropriate."

A) We love how Lloyd just referred to him as "the Florida coach"

B) Maybe we should kick the shit out of Florida just for fun after beating Ohio State...


Michigan coaches: nothing but class...

ERIC MCNEAL 4 LIFE!

Who thinks we need to pool our money together, fly Eric McNeal to Ann Arbor and have him doing coke off a stripper's ass by tomorrow night?

The guy's a redshirt senior and what's to lose? The Emerald Bowl against Florida State?

That was the play of the century and McNeal will forever be a MICHIGAN MAN!


Eric: Drinks are on us anytime...

UPDATE: With Florida's win, we are in for the longest 20 hours in the history of sports news. And which genius is going to coin the phrase, "Yesterday, we saw all that was right with college football. Today, we're seeing all that's wrong with it." Our guess is Herbstreit.

Coke? Strippers? Willie Williams is down...

U-C (CLAP CLAP)! L-A (CLAP CLAP)!

A week after selling our souls and throwing our support behind Notre Dame, everyone in Michigan has turned into UCLA fans overnight.

Seeing as the Bruins have dropped 7 straight to USC and lost last season by 47 points, things aren't looking very good.

The only reasons we have hope are A) UCLA has to beat USC eventually (or not) and B) UCLA should have beaten Notre Dame at home (although that doesn't mean shit).

J. Brady said he is just hoping the game is close so that there is controversy about sending USC to the title game.

But what if USC pounds UCLA and there is no debate? What is left for Michigan fans to cheer for?

The answer: chaos. And it's still possible.

Here's how: If USC beats Ohio State in the title game and Boise State wins the Fiesta Bowl, well then there's only one unbeaten in college football left.

But that's not the case Boise State has. The case is that the Broncos and Trojans have one common opponent: Oregon State. Boise throttled the Beavers by 28 points, while USC lost.

Boise would still get the shaft like Auburn a couple years ago, but at least we could bitch about something with the BCS. Go blue.


If all else fails, cheer for Jared...

OFFICIALLY BECOMING OHIO STATE'S BITCH

After watching Ohio State ball out of control against North Carolina minus The Behemoth, I really got to thinking: The Ohio State University owns us.

We've already lost 5 out of 6 in football, and we will have lost 5 straight in basketball after this season barring a miracle (and a meeting in the Big Ten Tournament, which would make it six).

Things aren't looking good after we lost to an N.C. State team missing its top three players from last season (OK, they had Atsur for like 5 minutes) and run by a D-list coach that picked us his degree this summer.

Oh yeah, and J. Brady is already talking boycott again.

Everyone circle February 6th on your calenar - a.k.a. Oden-Sims I - when Michigan will reach the lowest point since the Brian Ellerbe era. I wouldn't be surprised if Greg Oden got so mad just looking at Courtney Sims that he punched him in the face at tipoff.


By the way, this picture of Oden on Deadspin is amazing...

BUY THE CLIPSE ALBUM!

The new Clipse album dropped today to near universal acclaim. Almost every review I've had the chance to read has showered praise on the insightful and unflinching lyrics, the dark and sparse production by the Neptunes, and the simmering rage that the Thornton brothers have felt during the label limbo over the last 4 years. I can't add much to what's already been said. This album is fantastic. It's one of the few recent rap albums that I can play all the way through despite my A.D.D. when it comes to repeating/shuffling songs on my iPod.

The subject matter of the album is mostly compelling - I'm a sucker for tales of people selling crack and somehow juking the system and making it big (see: my newfound fascination with The Wire - although nothing ever works out for anyone in The Wire) - and the songs, despite their bleak subject matter, manage to be catchy, if not uplifting ("Hello New World" is the best example of that). Also, the production on the album is fantastic; from the calypso drums on "Wamp Wamp" to the guitar riff on "Dirty Money" to the hollowed out sound on "Hello New World" and "Momma I'm So Sorry," the Neptunes have laid out a canvas that perfectly complements the bravado and remorse that dominates the lyrics on the album. The best compliment I can give the album is that it sounds like it was made by two rappers who know they are on the verge of becoming huge and aren't willing to squander their opportunity. The Clipse say something on the album. And they sound great doing it.

Listening to the Clipse album also allowed me to put the new Jay-Z offering into focus. On my first listen, I thought that the CD was exceptionally defiant. It was a big fuck you to everyone who thought that Hov would pull an MJ-on-the-Wizards comeback; a big fuck you to Dame Dash, the Dips, Jimmy Jones; and crappy rap music in general. Usually defiant rap music is great. But it doesn't sound right coming from Hov. He's not supposed to be defiant! He's the motherfucking president of Def Jam! He owns part of the New Jersey Nets! He's dating Beyonce! He hasn't been an underdog since the late 90's!

After the defiance of the album lost its appeal, I started to feel lonely listening to the album. Granted, part of this has to do with the fact that I've been listening to it while studying in the library and have hated myself every minute that I've been here. Anyway...the album is lonely. What was supposed to be Hov's crowning achievement (the glorious comeback), isn't that glorious because he's got no one to go to Waverly Diner with (so to speak). Over the last few years he's lost one of his best friends and been slammed by almost every artist on his label and other industry figures for his management of the Def Jam roster. What was supposed to be a comeback has been clouded by other bullshit.

My final thought on the album is that I'm not sure what the Hov is supposed to be rapping about now. He's 38! I'm pretty sure he hasn't been running drugs up and down the Eastern seaboard in between marketing meetings; I'm pretty sure he hasn't carried a gun in a while; I'm pretty sure he's not screwing around on Beyonce. That pretty much sums up what Hov has talked about his entire career: drugs, guns, and girls. I liked it when he talked about that stuff. But you can't do that forever because it starts to ring hollow after a while. I think that rappers face a lose-lose situation. Rapping about nonsense is great (or, rather, acceptable) when you're in you're 20s but it comes off as increasingly forced (and, more importantly, repetitive) the older you get. I'm all for rappers talking about "real" things ("Minority Report" is one of the better songs on Kingdom Come) but the nature of rap music (the inherent descriptiveness of 16 bars compared to 4 line rock and roll stanzas) means that songs about something become a little too weighty. And albums about those topics might be difficult too - especially when you're used to the artist rapping about Cris and 40/40.

Essentially, Jay still sounds pretty great rapping on the album...the problem is that I don't really care about what he's rapping about. I guess what I'm trying to say is that rappers, for their own good, shouldn't age. Hov should always be 26 and releasing Reasonable Doubt, LL Cool J should always be telling fools that his momma wants him to punch them in the face (instead of making AWESOME collaborations with J Lo), Busta Rhymes should have remained a yelling lunatic instead of taking himself to seriously, Mos Def should have stuck with Talib and should have never ever ever ever ever distracted himself with acting, Andre 3000 should have stuck with being an eccentrically great rapper instead of becoming an eccentrically crappy falsetto-singer, DMX should always be a psycho covered in blood on his album cover and should never be a psycho who keeps getting arrested for repeated gun charges. Biggie's and Pac's legacies were forever secured by the fact that they never met old age - their deaths were awful losses, but if the careers of their peers have showed anything, it's that it's hard to grow old in rap.

In the end, I guess that's why I like this Clipse album so much. Because these guys are on the verge. Because their success is still new to them and they're relishing it. Because of the fact that they're underdogs. Because when I saw them perform live at the Knitting Factory, they stopped rapping and started smiling because they were enjoying the fact that the entire crowd knew almost every lyric to their songs. And it wasn't the bullshit "soaking the moment in" pose that a lot of famous rappers do - it was pure joy. All I hope is that they capture that magic for the rest of their careers.


Get the fuck out the throne, you clones. The kings are back!

RUDY GIULIANI'S BIGGEST KNOCK? INCEST

A lot of liberals are considering voting for Republican Rudy Giuliani in the 2008 election. Consider yourself warned:

The New York Post recently did a piece on Rudy Giuliani's biggest obstacles to becoming the next U.S. President - i.e. being very liberal on social issues, living with two gay men at one point and openly cheating on his second wife while he was mayor.

And then just thrown in there as an afterthought was this bombshell: "Married his cousin."

Say what?

Apparently, Rudy married a childhood friend from Long Island named Reginna Peruggi and had the marraige annulled by the Catholic Church 14 years later "after he realized" they were second cousins (if confused, click here for an explanation). Thankfully, they didn't have children.

According to London's "The Independent," Giuliani claimed he thought Peruggi was only a third cousin, adding "few have ever bought it."

ONLY a third cousin???

And Giuliani's uncle, also named Rudy, said this to the New York Daily News in 1997:

"I knew they were second cousins. It seemed natural. They shared common interests."

Tell me that quote won't come back to haunt America's Mayor.

When he debates Hillary Clinton, doesn't all she have to say is, "I might have married a dirtbag, but not a cousin," and it's over?


Hillary might as well concede West Virginia ...

P.S. Posts about the debacles surrounding Braylon Edwards and Michigan basketball are coming soon.

CHLOE O'BRIAN EXPOSES HERSELF AS FRAUD

Some disturbing news from the New York Post over the weekend - granted, it could be complete fiction:

Actress Mary Lynn Rajskub of "24" wants to set the record straight - Rush Limbaugh has not bedded her, nor will he ever. "Last summer, I was on a panel about terrorism that [he] was moderating," the blonde tells FHM. "He said hello to everyone and kissed me full on the lips. I was like, 'Oh, that was odd.' Then the picture was on the Internet and people thought I was going out with him. He's brilliant and hilarious, but I wouldn't say I wanted to get it on with him!"

Woah Ms. Lippy. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be a two-bit hooker than a Rush Limbaugh admirer. As Jack would say: "Damnit Chloe!!!!"

MGOBLUE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR

"Michigan Unable to Pull Off Upset of No. 5 Duke"

Final score: Duke 92, Michigan 47.


Sorry girl!

COACHING CANDIDATES FOR "THE U"

Like the rest of the nation, we're devastated by Larry Coker's dismissal at Miami.

Greg Schiano has probably already bought a house in Ft. Lauderdale but what kind of message are you sending the kids when you hire the coach of Rutgers?

So we've decided to put together a list of best candidates to fill the vacancy:

1. Dennis Erickson, Idaho head coach - Erickson ran the dirtiest program in the history of college football and won 2 national titles doing it while at "The U."

2. George O'Leary, UCF head coach - He's nearby and sets a great example for his kids in the classroom.

3. Gary Barnett, Unemployed - You think Willie Williams had crazy recruiting trips? Wait until Gary Barnett hits South Bech. Miami would get the talent they were getting 5 years ago in no time.

4. Mike Price, UTEP head coach - You probably thought this guy was in rehab. There is no doubt Price's first move would be putting a pole in the locker room.

5. Rick Neuheisel, Ravens QB coach - Always a players coach, the notorious "pay for play" system would be back in effect - granted, we're not sure how much cash 2 Live Crew and Luther Campbell are throwing around these days...

6. Howard Schnellenberger, Florida Atlantic head coach - Speaking of comebacks: the coach of the 1983 national championship 'Canes is doing a great job of turning around the FAU program (outscored in its first four games this year 192-12).

7. Lamar Thomas, Unemployed - Who cares if he doesn't know anything about coaching? Just imagine this guy running around the locker room screaming, "Nobody comes into the O.B. and disrespects the U.!!!!" That'd be good for at least 9 wins a season.


Doesn't this seem like ages ago???

P.S. Did anyone see the SoFlo coach crying after the win over West Virginia. That guy should be fired immediately, followed by an apology from the school president.

REAL WORLD EPISODE ONE: WOW

Just finished watching Episode 1 of The Real World: Denver. It's definitely got its swag back, kid.

This stuff has to be scripted. Between the obligatory lesbo action in the hot tub, the backstabbing sluts, the homophobia, the racist remark and the gay guy trying to talk the Southern belle into sex, my head is going to explode.

PUTTING REAL BACK IN "THE REAL WORLD"

Don't even get us started on the debacle of The Real World: Key West. It's pretty obvious that the MTV brass weren't happy with last season's sobfest that was consumed by Paula's problems.

So it's back to the bread and butter for "Real World: Denver" - drunken debauchery and hot chicks.

Let's be honest: there's been one hot chick in the last three seasons (Key West, Austin, Philadelphia): Melinda. And it almost wasn't even worth it - watching Danny get jealous every episode while she ran around with the dirty rooster hairdo.

But finally MTV's gotten it's act together with not one, but two hot chicks this season: Jennifer and (to a slightly lesser extent) Brooke. (Correction: we were duped into thinking Brooke was hot from her pictures and Jennifer isn't so much hot as she is a smelly pirate hooker.)

But that's not all, folks.

Jonathan Murray has gone balls to the wall with two black guys this season (think Chapelle Show's Mad Real World). We really hope the motto is: "One house! Two black guys! All rules are off!"

If that's not enough, it's gotten rave reviews from the New York Post, which was the first to slam last year's season.

Make sure to tune in tonight at 8:00 PM.

PICTURES FROM "THE GAME"

It's been four days and we still can't shake Saturday's loss to Ohio State. It's crazy to think Mike Hart is 0-3 against the Buckeyes. That is a travesty.

This is all we are able to post at this time.

Here are pictures from Saturday's game: the good, the bad and the ugly:


Pre-gaming near St. John's Arena - Brady didn't get the memo it was a football game.


Kickoff... by the way, while Troy Smith was introduced and did his Ray Lewis-esque "wiping the matt" move, Brady screamed at the top of his lungs, "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"- Yeah, that was probably a bad idea...


Halftime - I'm pretending to be asleep...


This guy was unbelievable. He didn't make a noise all game until it got really quiet and he'd keep going, "MICHIGAN SUCKS!" Just looks like an OSU fan, doesn't he?


Things are looking Memphis Bleek in the second half...


A random picture of Troy Smith, with Morgan Trent looking out of place as usual...


Make me puke


We want a rematch, ho!

BETTER PRE-GAME SPEECH: A.P. OR K.G.?

Varun and I seem to disagree on this. Which would you rather have in the Michigan locker room Saturday to fire up the team?

This is a barn-burner:



AL PACINO



VS.

KEVIN GARNETT



"This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher."

BO-ISMS

This is all we got for now:

On how often he prepared for Ohio State:
"Every day! It was our strategy here to do something to beat Ohio State every day! Even if it's in the first meeting of the year, we talked about it."

On Lloyd Carr's 1-4 record against Jim Tressel:
"I don't give a damn about Tressel! Or Lloyd having to beat this guy or that guy. That's hogwash!

On this year's game:
"I don't make any predictions, none at all. I'm just going to tell you one thing: It's going to be a whale of a battle.

On the Big Ten Conference:
"We had an antiquated leadership in the Big Ten Conference. It wasn't until 1973, when they literally screwed us out of the Rose Bowl, and I mean it exactly the way I said it."

On the Big Ten and Pac-10 joining the BCS:
"It just bothers me that the Big Ten and Pac-10 caved in. We were still the most dominant bowl game there was, the greatest matchup, between two great conferences. It was what college football was all about, and we caved in. We joined the BCS. We didn't have to do that. And it was all about money."

On retirement after the 1990 Rose Bowl:
"The one thing I won't miss in retirement is incompetent officials."

On his 1-6 Rose Bowl record before the 1987 game:
"I can give you a thousand excuses, from the playing surface to the distance we travel. But when it all boils down, that's hogwash . . . If they beat us again, damn it to hell, we'll all be mad, but I'm not going to worry about it, although I probably should because I'm the worst guy doing it."

On coaching again:
"Would I ever take a coaching job? How do I know? I've never been offered one. I might just say the hell with it, I'll do it." - The Toledo Blade

On coaching under Woody Hayes:
''I said, 'Geez, how much longer are you going to coach?' And he said, 'Oh, four or five years, probably.' Well, I went to Miami and he coached 17 years after I left, so I don't think he was really truthful with me.''

On the possibility the Michigan basketball coach would make more than the football coach:
"I have two words for you - never happen. It will never happen here. What do you think this thing was built on? Everybody should know that." - The Detroit News

On replacing basketball coach Bill Frieder with Steve Fisher in 1989 after Frieder accepted the head job at Arizona State:
"I don't want somebody from Arizona State coaching the Michigan team. A Michigan man is going to coach Michigan."

GRIMIEST OHIO STATE-MICHIGAN QUOTES

Listening to both sides before The Game makes us want to puke. Here's a compilation of trash talk through the series:

"Because I couldn't go for three."
-- Former Ohio State coach Woody Hayes on why he went for a 2-point conversation late in a 50-14 win over Michigan in 1968

"I guarantee we will beat Ohio State and go to Pasadena."
-- Former Michigan quarterback Jim Harbaugh before the 1986 game which Michigan won, 26-24

"We want to get (Ohio State coach) John Cooper fired. That's what I want to do. I want to keep on beating that team until he's no longer there."
-- Former Michigan wide receiver Walter Smith before the 1992 Ohio State-Michigan game which Ohio State won, 22-6

"Michigan is nothing."
-- Former Ohio State receiver Terry Glenn to the Detroit Free Press before the 1995 game which Michigan won, 31-23

"If we play our game, we should win by two or three touchdowns.

"I play against better defensive backs than (Michigan's Charles Woodson) in practice every day."
-- Former Ohio State receiver David Boston before the 1997 game...

"I was like a father out there, chastising his son for talking to the wrong people."
-- Former Michigan cornerback Charles Woodson on David Boston after Michigan's 20-14 victory in 1997

"It's a blowout. Ain't no ifs, ands or buts about it. (Defensive tackle Alan) Branch is going to knock the stuffing out of -- what's his name -- Troy Smith. You all set that (Heisman Trophy talk) up anyway. That's some BS to begin with.

He shouldn't even win the Heisman. He's not going to win his league or the national championship. We all know what's going to happen. We're going to win it. It's been long overdue. Tressel's been cheating. So, hey, we're going to keep it real. There ain't nothing else to say."
-- Former Michigan and current Cincinnati Bengals running back Chris Perry on this year's game to the Dayton Daily News

"(Michigan receiver Steve Breaston is) worthless in my mind, outside of returning a few punts. I'll say that, and he'll end up winning the game for them on Nov. 18. But he hasn't done anything since his freshman year."
-- Former Ohio State quarterback and current ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit on his Columbus radio show on Oct. 30


It's time for Steve to fire back at Herbstreit with a poem...

COLUMBUS SAFETY ON SATURDAY

Let your guard down for a second after seeing this, and that's how you end up with a knife in the back on Saturday...

By the way, how hilarious are Michigan's tips to safety:

"Avoid High Street, carpool to the game in a vehicle that doesn’t have Michigan plates, keep the wraps on Michigan clothing until inside the stadium, stay in groups, stay low-key and don’t fight, even if harassed."

How about just an e-mail from Mary Sue entitled: "Protect ya neck, kid!"

O.J. HAS LOST HIS DAMN MIND - AGAIN

From the same station that brought you Temptation Island comes O.J. Simpson's exclusive: "How I WOULD have killed me wife."

How is this not a hoax? He's lucky the audio recording of O.J. calling J. Brady wasted hasn't been released to the public... yet.

HOLLA AT YA BOY

Some might say I recycled my 2003 column about my dad. I like to call it a remix. Either way, check it out:

www.nbcsports.com

or

http://www.nbcsports.com/cfb/409516/detail.html

PERRY ALSO CALLS TRESSEL A CHEATER

Love this quote, and looks to me like someone is a Realest reader....

"It's a blowout. Ain't no ifs, ands or buts about it. (Defensive tackle Alan) Branch is going to knock the stuffing out of -- what's his name -- Troy Smith. You all set that (Heisman Trophy talk) up anyway. That's some BS to begin with.

"He shouldn't even win the Heisman. He's not going to win his league or the national championship. We all know what's going to happen. We're going to win it. It's been long overdue. Tressel's been cheating. So, hey, we're going to keep it real. There ain't nothing else to say."

- Chris "his friends call him Chirs" Perry

SMORGASBORD OF FUN

A friend of mine from high school that is a lifelong Buckeye turned Michigan grad student sent this to me the other day. A single tear dropped down my cheek as soon as I saw it:





Secondly, Scott Bell, David Steinberg, Steve Jackson all answered the trivia question correctly (Seth Klempner too, minus the spelling mistakes and fact he didn't actually list the schools). The four schools with Super Bowl winning QBs and Presidents are:

Stanford (Hoover & Plunkett/Elway)
Michigan (Ford & Brady)
U.S. Naval Academy (Carter & Staubach)
Miami of Ohio (Benjamin Harrison & Roethlisberger)

SCOTT BELL OVERCOMES ELLIOTT'S IDIOCY

If you didn't get a chance to see Scott Bell on the 4:00 PM Hot List, don't worry - we have it Tivoed and will have it up as part of our pre-game coverage for The Game.

Josh Elliott brings two kids on ESPNNews that have never been on television before, and he is the stumbling idiot.

Like when Elliott asked if there was an equivalent to K-Ville at Ohio State. What the hell are you talking about? Everyone already has their tickets, Josh.

The highlight, by far, was when Josh Elliott asked how much Scott Bell hated Scott Woods from The Lantern.

His response: "I don't think I can put it into words right now."

Yeah kid!

SUPER BOWL WINNING QBs/PRESIDENT TRIVIA

We've come across one of the most brain-busting trivia questions ever produced thanks to Michigan alum Matt Litke:

Which four schools have produced a Super Bowl winning quarterback AND a U.S. President?

We'll give you a hint: Michigan is one of them.

The winner gets a leftover ham and a used bowling bowl (note the Kenny Mayne and "2 Minute Drill" reference...)

ARIES SPEARS IN THE PLACE TO BE

As huge fans of X and Jay, this is pretty unbelievable (though his barking needs serious work). Thanks to Sameer for the heads up:

BRITNEY + REMIX + THE GAME = REAL

If you guys haven't noticed, I've been struck by a recent case of writer's block. I feel like Rick Ankiel. One day I'm throwing 100 MPH heaters on the corner of the plate, the next thing I can't stop chucking the ball into the stands.

But out of nowhere I was struck with an epiphany about Britney Spears' comeback attempt.

Brace yourself:

Her first single should be a "Stronger" remix with The Game. Think about the symmetry (Timberlake and 50 Cent remix to "Cry Me a River") and brilliance of that for a bit, while you enjoy the original:

P.S. I want royalties...



Note from Varun: We just got off the phone with The Game's manager. They're making the record tonight and we're filming the video in our apartment tomorrow. We'll be the one in the background holding bottles of Armadale.

ONE STEP FORWARD, ONE STEP BACK

Here's a little more food for thought.

Good news: Evidence that Americans are becoming less ignorant.

Bad News: Evidence that Americans are still ignorant.


Maybe Dead Prez was right all along...

REALEST OF THE WEEK

I never thought I'd say this, but the Realest of the Week is former Michigan Daily photog Ryan Weiner.

Weiner was always in a no-win situation with Daily Sports. He took the assignments Tony Ding didn't have time for, which was like filling in for Annie Leibovitz.

But thanks to Facebook's new crack-cocaine feature, I got a glimpse of Weiner's Halloween costume. You wanna talk about being handed lemons and making lemonade: let's hope Weiner sticks with this look fulltime:



Note: Speaking of real, we just won the lottery and Tivoed "Plastic Boy" performing at halftime of the Cavaliers game. We will get it up on YouTube as fast as possible for those who haven't witnessed his genius. Get a barf bag ready...

STILL GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR

'Sheed had a pretty awful game against the Kings last night - something along the lines of 0 points (but he did have 15 rebounds - suck it, Ben). Though he wasn't able to keep his shooting touch, he was able to keep his sense of humor (via TrueHoop):

Rasheed Wallace was scoreless, missing all nine of his shots (though he pulled down 15 rebounds).

The best shot Wallace took all night came at the expense of a courtside heckler.

“Rasheed, you’re 0-for-8,” the guy yelled.

“I don’t care if I am 0-for-1,000, at least I’m not wearing a pink and lime green shirt,” said Wallace, who for the rest of the game referred to the heckler as Fruit Loop.

If Rasheed can keep his wits about him with a 2-3 record, I think Pistons fans can rest assured that trouble isn't brewing on the horizon and the Pistons will be just fine.



Hecklers beware...

IN R WE TRUST

Ricky Davis has been pretty quiet since heading up to Minnesota. No temper tantrums, no passing the ball everytime he touches it, no shooting the ball every time he touches it, no almost triple-doubles, no slam-dunks followed by inadvertently/purposely kicking a defender in the head while hanging on the rim. But, luckily the Sports Guy found a gem about Ricky. (Note: I still hate the Sports Guy, don't get it twisted). The following quote is in reference to the new Celtics dance team:

"Before tipoff, there was a lot of good-natured joking about the new in-game entertainment and who would or would not be paying attention to Doc Rivers during huddles. Pierce revealed that before being traded, Ricky Davis was the biggest proponent of a dance team in Boston. 'I won't get a chance to check them out; I'll be in the huddle,' said Pierce, as he offered a sideways glance, showing how he just might get a glimpse. 'I know Ricky Davis really promoted it. I know he did, for sure. He used to ask why we didn't have them.'"

Ricky, we would expect nothing less from you. You are a hero to us all. Simmons, on the other hand, is not real. He followed up the Ricky quote with his own analysis:

Come on, man! Ricky needs cheerleaders! And you wonder why he's played in seven playoff games in eight seasons.

Ricky is everything that is right about sports. He doesn't need a joker like Simmons challenging him. Plus, at least he's leering at women who are legal (we see you Deshawn Stevenson - you scumbag).


Ricky belongs on the Mt. Rushmore of Realness