New York City - Duck Mother Fucker

Note: This is the post Gawker ripped:

It's really annoying for people to say "only in New York...." But the longer I live here, I see things and think to myself, "That shit's fucked up." To the list:

Shitting on the Subway
I'd heard legends about bums shitting on the Subway, but I never thought I would experience it myself. That's until I saw a guy standing like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, dropping a duece at the W4 Subway stop. The best part is that while people passed him ready to puke, he kept looking straight forward, determind to make it worth his time.

"Sir, please put a cork in your asshole..."

Pissfest 3000
Everyone pisses on the sidewalk on a late Friday or Saturday night (I even got busted for a UPI once...). But bums do it a little differently. One guy was pissing between two parked cars. Another guy was standing against a building wall, pissing while facing the street. As if that wasn't traumatic enough, both times I saw their weiners.

Air Conditioner Fluid
This is a summer phenomenon. While walking on the sidwalk, you will feel a drop of liquid hit your face every couple blocks. Initially, you look up at the sky to see if it's about to rain. Then you realize it's just some more fluid from a random, dirty-ass air conditioner.

"You're a fucking prick!"
Where I come from, when people run into each other, they both apologize immediately. About two days ago, I ran smack into a guy that wasn't looking forward while walking. Here's the transcript from our conversation:
Me: "Watch where you are going, man..."
Guy: "You're a fucking prick!"

Sidewalk Stalkers
Every time I'm on the sidewalk, there ends up being a guy right behind me, breathing down my neck. If I speed up, he does the same. If I slow down, ditto. Eventually I have to just stop and act like I'm getting in a cab. I'm a pussy...

Giving the wrong directions
People stop and ask you for directions here like you're a cop. Half the time, I accidentally point them in the opposite direction. At first, I would feel really bad. Now, it's just, "Sucks to be that guy..."

Used condom
There is no greater horror than looking down on the sidewalk to see you are standing on a used condom. I'm still baffled by it. Did they have sex right there? Do dudes just rip off their condoms on the way home and throw them on the sidwalk? Or is it done more respectfully, like chucking condoms out their windows?

Imagine having this stuck to your shoe instead of gum...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can see why Gawker ripped it...