Big Gabe To the Rescue

Gabe Watson just went #107 to the Arizona Cardinals, avoiding the dubious distinction of the lowest-drafted first player picked from Michigan. At least Watson can kick it with other Michigan duds John Navarre and Ernest Shazor....

'M' Football On Verge of History

The lowest-ever first Michigan player to be drafted:

John Kolesar, WR
Rd. 4, Pick #109 overall, Buffalo Bills

In case you were wondering, today's 4th Rd. begins with the 98th overall selection.

Apparently, NFL types don't like to see this on your scouting report: "Skates through plays, takes downs off, and not known as a consistent worker."

The clock is ticking....

"Maybe I should have stuck with the offensive line..."


NFL Draft Day One Recap


Ohio State: 7
Western Michigan: 2
Abilene Christian: 1
Cal Poly: 1
Weber State: 1
Alabama State: 1
Michigan: 0


NFL Draft Busts: Where Are They Now?

With the NFL Draft just one day away, we're swarmed with the annual "Biggest NFL Draft Busts" lists (doesn't anyone notice these lists stay the same every year?).

Our question: "Where do these guys go?"

We traced the biggest busts of the last dozen years to see what these guys do with the rest of their lives:

Heath Shuler

Year: 1994
College: Tennessee
Overall Pick: #3
NFL Team: Washington
Update: Trying to get Democratic nomination to run for the U.S. House of Representatives this fall in North Carolina’s 11th District. If you would like to send your support, check out dude's website.

Trev Alberts

Year: 1994
College: Nebraska
Overall Pick: #6
NFL Team: Indianapolis
Update: Fired by ESPN last fall, Alberts lives in Atlanta with his wife and kids. He told the Lincoln Journal Star in September that he was interested in getting involved in construction and real estate (just to give you an idea of how pathetic this guy's career was, we couldn't even find a picture of him in a Colts uniform).

Mike Mamula

Year: 1995
College: Boston College
Overall Pick: #7
NFL Team: Philadelphia
Update: Source: According to the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, he lives in Villanova, Pa. with his wife and kids. He is the director of business development for CSS Test In., located in Haddonfield, NJ that provides screening services for businesses (How ironic).

Lawrence Phillips

Year: 1996
College: Nebraska
Overall Pick: #6
NFL Team: St. Louis
Update: As of March 3, ordered by a judge to stand trail for assault charges for driving a car into three teenagers after a pickup game in Los Angeles, CA. He will be tried on 7 counts of assault to commit great bodily injury (and if you didn't hear about that story, please click here).

Ryan Leaf

Year: 1998
College: Washington State
Overall Pick: #2
NFL Team: San Diego
Update: Hired as the West Texas A&M (Div. II) QB coach in February.

Andre Wadsworth

Year: 1998
College: Florida State
Overall Pick: #3
NFL Team: Arizona
Update: As of April 2004 interview with CNBC, still appears to live in Phoenix.

Curtis Enis

Year: 1998
College: Penn State
Overall Pick: #5
NFL Team: Chicago
Update: Went completely AWOL. Spoke to a relative last year living in his hometown of Union City, OH, and they didn’t even know where he was.

Tim Couch

Year: 1999
College: Kentucky
Overall Pick: #1
NFL Team: Cleveland
Update: Lives in Lexington and continues to workout in an attempt to make a comeback in the NFL. I don’t believe he has signed anywhere.

Akili Smith

Year: 1999
College: Oregon
Overall Pick: #3
NFL Team: Cincinnati
Update: Hasn’t played in the league since 2002. Was signed by the Buccaneers temporarily in 2005, only to be cut 4 days after arriving in Tampa from NFL Europe.

Cade McNown

Year: 1999
College: UCLA
Overall Pick: #12
NFL Team: Chicago
Update: We assume he is back in LA since the LA Times reported on Feb. 18 that McNown is suing two insurance companies that didn’t pay his $5 million NFL disability policy.

Dimitrius Underwood

Year: 1999
College: Michigan State
Overall Pick: #29
NFL Team: Minnesota
Update: Most recently tried to make the roster of the CFL's Ottawa Renegades, but was cut before the 2005 season started.


Let me start by stating the obvious: his girlfriend is not hot. But this kid is definitely a genius...

"Break out the champagne glasses and the muthafuckin' condoms!"


Todd Bozeman is back in college hoops. I'm sure a lot of you don't remember this guy, but he was the Steve Fisher of Cal basketball. Basically, it's just another example of schools not giving a rat's ass if their coach is a crook.

As soon as possible, we will do a countdown of the biggest dirtbags in NCAA hoops (obviously both Bozeman and Fisher will be on the list).

Is It This Easy?


As everyone knows, this is Mel Kiper's weekend in the sun. While you either love him or hate him, The Realests wondered where exactly this guy came from. It turns out the answer is surprisingly simple and straight forward.

From the Baltimore Sun:

The draft (or more appropriately, college scouting) has been Kiper's passion for more than 25 years, dating to when he was just an eager, anonymous Baltimore teenager who hung around Colts practices, trying to soak up whatever knowledge he could. There was no television coverage of the draft then and certainly no jokes about Kiper's now-famous hair. (ESPN will broadcast its 26th draft this year, and the NFL Network will also broadcast the event for the first time.)

He was simply a kid who loved sports so much, he spent a good portion of his days and nights taking meticulous notes about players he'd never met, recording his observations in a stack of dog-eared notebooks. He published his first draft guide in 1979 when he was just a freshman at Essex Community College, sent it to NFL general managers looking for feedback, and based on its moderate success (he sold more than 100), encouragement from his father and Baltimore Colts general manager Ernie Accorsi, he dropped out and never looked back.


Best... Video ...Ever

Chances are you have already seen this, but just in case, click here.

Gotta say, I feel pretty bad for the guy after he tried to turn shooting himself into a lesson for the kids....

The Adventures of Drew Henson

As we have noted, Drew Henson is currently playing for the Rhein Fire in NFL Europe. He is doing extremely well over there, giving us hope that he won't become the biggest two-sport bust in history.

Anyway, today we had the fortune of coming across his NFL Europe Diary.

First, we love that Drew is a little rusty, but still hasn't forgotten his cliches.

And his random thoughts are priceless. It does a pretty good job showing the difference between being a star in the NFL and one in NFL Europe. Instead of random thoughts about booze, models, A-list friends, luxury items and being a huge celebrity, Drew talks about eating chicken quesadillas and buying an Xbox.

Hang in there, Drew!

"There's always going to be haters" - Drew Henson

Lloyd's Worst NFL Draft?

With just 4 Michigan players invited to the NFL Combine (Jason Avant, Tim Massaquoi, Adam Stenavich, Gabe Watson), this should be Michigan's worst draft class ever under Carr. It looks like the X-factor could be Graham Brown. Note, I have already taken a leap of faith and penciled in 0 First Rounders this year.

Take a look at the numbers:

For a complete list, click here.

First Rounders: 0
Players Drafted: ???

First Rounders: 2 (Edwards, Jackson)
Players Drafted: 3

First Rounders: 1 (Perry)
Players Drafted: 4

First Rounders: 0
Players Drafted: 6

First Rounders: 0
Players Drafted: 4

First Rounders: 3 (Terrell, Hutchinson, Backus)
Players Drafted: 5

First Rounders: 0
Players Drafted: 6

First Rounders: 0
Players Drafted: 4

First Rounders: 1 (Woodson)
Players Drafted: 5

First Rounders: 0
Players Drafted: 3

First Rounders: 1 (Biakabutuka)
Players Drafted: 5

Michigan Draft Class: bad... The Claw: good...


A Concerned Parent

Last night I caught Woodley eating his own shit. There was a giant loaf on the futon while Woodley stood nearby just guzzling a piece. I feel like a father that has caught his teenage son smoking cigarettes in his room and I'm not sure the best course of action. I feel I have two choices:

1) Force him to continue eating his own shit until he gets sick of it
2) Put him into rehab

I need to sleep on this decision....

Woodley's stare speaks for itself: "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast"

Today's Duke News

As if Collin Finnerty's lawyer didn't have enough to deal with, check out the AP:

A Duke University lacrosse player charged with raping a stripper in North Carolina was ordered Tuesday to stand trial in Washington, D.C., on an unrelated assault charge from last fall.

The assault charge against Collin Finnerty, 19, could have been dismissed if he completed 25 hours of community service and stayed out of trouble, but a Washington judge decided his arrest in the rape case violated that agreement.

Finnerty and two friends are accused of punching a man after he told them to "stop calling him gay and other derogatory names," according to court documents.

"This incident has been grossly mischaracterized," said lawyer Steven J. McCool, who is representing Finnerty. McCool said the media have unfairly portrayed the incident as a hate crime. He did not elaborate.

So on top of a sexual assault case, now it appears McCool will argue that Finnerty didn't mean it in a literal sense while screaming in the guy's face, "YOU FUCKIN' F****!"

Graham Brown to the NFL?

According to the Detroit Free Press, Graham Brown is working out for NFL teams in hopes of becoming the next Antonio Gates.

Let's go Around the Horn for analysis:

VS: This can only end badly...
JBM: I wonder what Graham's 40-time is....
JW: If Graham Brown makes the NFL, I am showing up at a training camp like Willie "Mays" Hayes



Since reading The Da Vinci Code, our heads were on swivels looking for conspiracies when this just fell into our lap:

Tired of horses that can't win the last leg of the Triple Crown, NBC has created a genetically perfect horse to capture the Triple Crown and give the network a much-needed ratings boost.


NBC has barely passed FOX for third place on the Network Ratings
Katie Couric is leaving the "Today Show" for "CBS News"
The upcoming "May Sweeps" period, in which networks will do anything for ratings

And if you don't believe that, just take a look at this year's Derby "favorite" - Brother Derek:

Is that Matt Lauer???

Here is their cover-up story, if you are interested.

Sportswriters Aren't Superheroes, Folks

If you are a Detroit area sports fan, you certainly recognize this headshot by now:

Former Michigan Daily sports staffer Mike Rosenberg has had a meteoric rise at the Detroit Free Press, jumping from Michigan beat reporter to Freep columnist almost overnight.

But you already know that.

What you don't know is that Rosenberg made a cameo in the "Malice at the Palace" back in 2004.

As you see in this first photo, Rosenberg is standing right in front of the jackass that almost got clocked by Artest. Why was Rosenberg in the stands? Simple: the players had crowded media row, so Rosenberg headed into the stands for a better view of what was going on.

Now move to Photo 2.

Even before the kid in the Chauncy Billups jersey had time to react, Rosenberg is outta there. Turned out to be a good move, since the guy that pops up in Rosenberg's place takes a haymaker from Stephen Jackson.

This is just leap-frogged the Jermaine O'Neal slide-punch as my favorite part of the brawl....

If you would like to relive the whole thing, please click here.


We've all seen these slow-motion NBA commercials with words of wisdom at the end. Usually, they don't really do much for us, but Manu Ginobili's commercial really struck a nerve (especially since it is against the Pistons).

This video is about not accepting failure, but what exactly is Manu failing at: drawing the foul?

Look at how far he extends his off hand into Ben Wallace's chest. And then does his classic "I just broke my neck" move with his head. Notice that when the ball bounces out of bounds off Manu's foot, he doesn't even try to argue for a foul.

Confucius must be furious right now.

Wouldn't a better slogan have been: "This isn't futbol..... bitch" ???

The flop stops here....

Zubino on 24: Chloe & Buchanon Don't Mix

By The Great Zubino
Realests' Correspondent

So we know every dog has his day:

But I, The Great Zubino, have had his second day. My first was calling the death of Tony. Now, I called obliteration of James Heller. In a phone call between ½ of the Realests, I stated:

“How insane would it be if they killed Heller, I bet you they will”
1/2: “That would be cool, but won't happen, they killed off too many people”
“I'm right and you know it”

Onwards to the notes for this weeks 24.

Chloe + Buchanon = ugly babies…. Again, ugly thought... But who thought it was hilarious when Chloe addressed Buchanon as “sir”? Chloe is the loveable screw up of the show that always does stupid shit in real life. Without her, we would have no one to relate to.

Don’t you find it funny that all the terrorists (Henderson) have that evil ringtone? And the fact that Jack has every person in the universe on speed dial? That helps when you save the world 24/7, 5 days a century... so far that is.

Again the folks at Fox screwed up with the promo for this week. They showed Audrey pointing a gun at Henderson, so we knew that Jack would not merk him.

Who are the people in that board room that Logan keeps on calling? Could this situation be bigger than we think? Maybe he was in contact with the people that own massive oil fields, or maybe it is someone who has more power than him, or maybe… Forget it, you decide.

Martha’s speech before she agreed to keep shut touched me deeply, and made me realize it was one of the greatest speeches of all time:

3. MLK’s “I have a dream” speech

2. Bill Clinton’s “I did not have special relations with that woman” speech

1. Martha’s “You broke my heart speech”

So does no one ever go to bed in the White House? Or do they stay up late at night watching re-runs of “The Replacements” on HBO, and "Fear Factor" like I do?

So I saw The Sentinel this weekend, and I have to say there are some outstanding differences in it from 24 (warning, the following gives some parts of the story that don’t really matter, but if you’re a bitch about spoilers, you’ve been warned):

In The Sentinel, Jack's character actually has the balls to shoot someone in the back that is running away from him, and not to let him get away.

But in 24, Jack isn’t following through with his threats any more a.k.a. “I will blow your brains out if you don’t call the helicopter off.” Is Jack going soft on us ladies and gents? Say it ain’t so.

Way to end the show, by showing Jack boarding the plane… it makes me think about what’s happening next.

Preview for next week:

The creators have really found a good catch line with this one: “JACK HI-JACKS?!?!”. Definitley a new real level.

Oh, and this never gets old…


Logan in a crisis

Woodley in the Moonchair

- The Great Zubino


"Da Vinci Code" Already Ruined?

Like everyone else, we are really pumped for the release of "The Da Vinci Code" and frequently check IMDB for information on the movie. So far, we have heard nothing but good things, and the cast looks spectacular (Tom Hanks, Alfred Molina, Ian McKellen, Jean Reno, etc., etc., etc.).

But there's one thing that really seems to be flying under the radar here.

TDC's screenwriter (Akiva Goldsman) is the same guy that wrote "Batman & Robin." How did this guy not get black-balled from Hollywood? Instead, he has gone on to write "A Beautiful Mind" and "Cinderella Man."

(Not to sound like the Sports Guy, but) I feel like Ben Affleck in "Chasing Amy" when he finds out Joey Lauren Adams' nickname is "Fingercuffs".

How can I enjoy TDC knowing the same writer is responsible for these lines:

Mr. Freeze: Ice to see you!

Poison Ivy: Once you have frozen mankind, these babies will overrun the globe, and we shall rule them, for we will be the only two people left in the world.
Mr. Freeze: Adam... and Evil!

Robin: It's the hockey team from hell!

Henchman: Sir! Sir! You've gotta see this!
[Freeze freezes him]
Mr. Freeze: I hate it when they talk during the movie.

Robin: I can't believe we were fighting over a bad guy.
Batman: Bad? Yes. Guy? No.

Was giving Batman a giant schlong in the script?

TNT's Ernie Johnson

TNT's halftime and postgame studio shows are something we really enjoy watching. Unlike most, they don't seem scripted (see: "Fox NFL Sunday Pre-game Show"). We noticed last night that the face of TNT studio host Ernie Johnson was extremely puffy and the network didn't use close-ups for him.

Assuming it was a temporary ailment or result of a minor surgery, we were in shock when we found out that it's actually cancer. Though we had never noticed before, it turns out EJ revealed the cancer in February because a swollen lymph node under his left ear became visible on TV (which we are assuming was the same problem he had last night).

Johnson was diagnosed with "follicular" Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma all the way back in August of 2003. He plans to work through the remainder of the NBA season before beginning treatment in June.

Hopefully Ernie will be able to make it through the playoffs and be right back in the studio next November....

Big Ern


Mitch Albom on.... Proof's Funeral???

We aren't sure what to make of this one.

Mitch Albom has been extremely successful writing about a wide variety of topics - from sports, to the people you will meet in heaven, to "Tuesdays with Morrie."

But going to Proof's funeral and writing a column about the hypocrisy of rap music? Well, that didn't work out as well.

We still can't picture Albom at a funeral with D12.

Then again, maybe Albom just planned on showing up and then wrote the article as if he had attended... Zing!

Mitch Cumstein

French-Fry Wiggle Sticks: Kidd's Kryptonite?

The Realests have always hated the Nets and can't stand how often Jason Kidd gets to the line.

Our idea: opponents making giant french-fry wiggle sticks to wave while Jason Kidd is on the foul line. As you all recall, Kidd has a very deep emotional tie to fries as evidenced by slapping his wife over one.

I think Kidd's would explode if he was trying to blow kisses to his wife with hundreds of giant french fries in his face.

The only potential problem is Kidd not realizing the wiggle sticks are french fries. But that's nothing a nice tan color, a giant auroma-filled frier behind the hoop and a giant salt shaker that descends from the rafters couldn't solve....




Realests' Take on LaVar

First of all, it really was that simple in D.C.: The coaches just hated Arrington's discipline.

Gibbs is extremely old school, and Williams is fire and brimstone. I bet as soon as they watched game film together after being hired, they knew LaVar's days were numbered.

People don't realize exactly how bad the situation was: ex-defensive coordinator Marvin Lewis called LaVar the most undisciplined player he'd coached in his life. For example: on multiple occassions, LaVar tried "the leap" with the Redskins, only to end up offsides. Of course, you didn't hear about it because it wasn't in a highlight.

And listen to this: a 2005 teammate told the Washington Post's Jason La Canfora that LaVar "cost us 3 games" in 2003. That's unfathomable for a guy that made the Pro Bowl that year.

As a Redskins fan that has followed Arrington's NFL career, I think it's pretty obvious how this 7-year, $50-million contract with the Giants is going to work out.

LaVar will completely rededicate himself this offseason and there will be constant comparisions between LV and LT.

Every year for 14 games, he will be a non-factor that continues to be plagued by injuries (the guy hits too hard for his own good).

Instead of watching game film all year, he will put the tape of Lawrence Taylor crushing Joe Theisman's leg like a twig on repeat.

And then twice a year, he will rip our heads off.

"Coach, what do you think about starting Antwaan against the Giants just to mix things up a little bit....?"


Ever since the NBA increased the 1st Rd. from a Best-of-5 to a Best-of-7 series, people have moaned about how long the NBA Playoffs take.

The fans hate it. The media hates it. The players hate it. 1/2 of The Realests might be the only person that actually enjoys it.

In a cry for help directed at the league to shorten the playoffs, The Realests put last year's marathon in perspective by comparing it to much more grueling and monumental tasks in U.S. history accomplished in less time:

2005 NBA Playoffs:
62 Days

Sherman's March to the Sea:
37 days

Days at Sea Until Columbus Reached America:
36 Days

2000 Election Controversy:
33 Days

Bill Clinton Impeachment Trial:
21 Days

Alaska Purchase Negotiations:
19 Days

Time to Write U.S. Declaration of Independence:
17 Days

Cuban Missile Crisis:
12 Days

Pulling George W. Bush Away From "The Pet Goat" on Sept. 11:
7 Minutes

note: "The Pet Goat" is often mistakenly referred to as "My Pet Goat"

Da Art of Mean Muggin'

In the era of street ballin', we could soon see one of the greatest things to happen to the NBA since the hookshot and two-handed bounce pass.

We talkin' 'bout mean muggin'.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, here's a definition from Urban Dictionary:

Mean muggin' (v.): When someone gives you a not-so-nice look, like they're ready to throw some hands.

Yo, that cat is mean muggin' son!

Or, as it applies to basketball: "Unsatisfied with posterizing a defender with a dunk, you then immediately want to punch them in the face."

One of the few copies of NBA players mean muggin', LeBron puts Damon Jones through a clinic during the 2004-05 season.

If LeBron can spread the mean mug through the league, he really is the King....



We don't necessarily blame ESPN on this one, but the Duke lacrosse story is another one of those things we can't have drilled in our head any longer.

Please! We know that the following people are already evil - you don't need to talk about it anymore!

Duke player Ryan McFayden: He wrote the infamous e-mail stating, "... i plan on killing the bitches as soon as the(y) walk in and proce(e)ding to cut their skin off while cumming in my duke issue spandex ..."

District Attorney Mike Nifong:
In an interview with ESPN, asked why the defendants got lawyers if they were innocent and hadn't been charged yet.

Duke player(s) that thanked strippers' ancestors for picking the cotton in their shirts:
Pretty self-explanatory.

Duke player(s) that offered a broom as a sex toy:
Also self-explanatory.

Kim Roberts:
The 2nd stripper at the party who thinks a rape occurred after originally questioning the accuser. Why is that evil? Because the defense found an e-mail from her to an NYC PR firm asking for advice on "how to spin this to my advantage."

Coach K:
Just for being Coach K.

Surely, this list will only continue to grow.

We can already see the discussion on today's Around the Horn:

Woody Page: "Kill the players - I don't care if they did it or not! They must pay the price!"

Jay Mariotti:
"Now hold on Woody, this is 'He said, She said'..."

JA Adande:
"Whoah guys, I don't think we should jump to conclusions so quickly. Let's wait 'til the legal system plays this out... Remember: "Innocent until proven guilty" - we don't have all the facts!"

Bob Ryan:
"I wish I could smack Kim Roberts!"

Tony Reali:
"Aaaaalright fellas, 2 points for Adande! Next topic: Who's better - the 1994 Charlotte Hornets or this year's D.C. United team? Around the Horn to Woody Paige."

Please, ESPN - this is a chance to cover a story the right way. How about we just wait for the trial to start? And then, we don't need a day-to-day analysis of what the players wore to court or how the prosecutor smelled during opening arguments.

Now the 2nd most disgraceful moment in Duke history...


"Don't Call It a Comeback": Part 2

Looking back at the best throwback college football helmets was so popular that we took our expertise to the NFL. Obviously, growing up in the early '90s with Tecmo Super Bowl, we are extremely biased toward designs of that era.

Take a look and let us know what you think:

T-5. NY Jets

Skinny: This looks like a 3rd grader's doddle - we like it already.

T-5. New England Patriots

Skinny: Very childish like the Jets' old dome. We love this helmet painting football as America's true past time, "a game Revolutionary War soldiers played during downtime." Almost as absurd a connection as the Miami Dolphins' logo.

4. Denver Broncos

Skinny: Some might say these are outdated, we say a big orange "D" donned by the likes of John Elway, Steve Atwater, Karl Mecklenburg and Tom Jackson are evergreen. The orange jerseys really accentuated these.

3. Houston Oilers

Skinny: This is how we picture the creation of the Oilers' look:
Owner: "First, we need team colors. Work with me here - what do you associate with oil?"
Designer: "Death, destruction, global warming, acid rain, pollution, greed, corruption...."
Owner: "Hmmm.... I got it: red and baby blue."
Designer: "I hate you."

2. Denver Broncos

Skinny: Most NFL helmets are quite boring. This older Broncos' helmet, on the other hand, completely flies in the face of convention: the horse is just wilin' out. Look at this thing: it's already pulled a Smarty Jones and broken its neck, jaw and both front legs.

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Skinny: Using a ridonkulous red & orange color scheme, the Bucs got the shit knocked out of them for 20 years in these puppies. Real.

"Don't Call It a Comeback": Part 1

Paul Lukas (columnist for ESPN.com's "Uni Watch"): We really can't get enough of them. And like Lukas, we think a lot of teams are making disastrous mistakes these days.

We thought we'd start this off with the "Top 5 College Football Helmets We Miss":

5. Arizona Wildcats

Skinny: Revolutionary for its time, this helmet brought asymmetry to the game. We love the opposing red and blue stripes down the middle.
New look: Too "sleek"...

4. Oregon Ducks

Skinny: Gotta respect the yellow dome on this piece. I recall Kirk Herbstreit calling these the ugliest uniforms in college football...
New look: ... But then again, he hadn't seen these.

3. San Diego St. Aztecs

Skinny: Not that we know anything about Aztecs, but we feel confident saying this helmet looks like an Aztec designed it. The school had to be crazy to change a helmet that Marshall Faulk wore.
New Look: Who decided to put a gradient on this thing???

2. Pitt Panthers

Skinny: Like Oregon, the yellow dome just catches your eye - especially when it has that mustard look. And like San Diego St., school must realize you never change the helmet when a legend (Dan Marino) donned the look.
New Look: Very similar to the ugliest dog in the world.

1. Hawaii Rainbows

Skinny: These just blow our minds every time we see them. We love the green grill and the decal's low location. It takes a tremendous amount of balls to play with a rainbow on your helmet.
New Look: It could be worse, but why mess with perfection?