3.22.2006

Real Matchups

Last year we ran our first annual "All Real Tournament" in honor of ourselves and March Madness. While the voting was intense and the candidates were all worthy, it simply was too much work for us to administer. This year we've decided to put up the Master of Realety, Jack Bauer, against a group of worthy challengers. Over the next couple of weeks we'll be comparing Jack with a slew of adversaries in order to determine if he reigns supreme in the world of Realety. This weeks challenger won't be an easy foe: Rasheed Wallace.


Rasheed "Ball Don't Lie" Wallace

vs.


Jack Bauer

Vital Statistics
'Sheed: 6'11", 230 lbs. Power Forward, Detroit Pistons. 1 NBA Championship.
Bauer: 5'10", less than 200 lbs. CTU Agent, Head of CTU. Saved LA/USA/World 4 times and counting.
Analysis: Even though a Pistons' championship is a beautiful thing, I don't think we'd be able to enjoy it without Bauer.
Edge: Bauer.

Body Count
'Sheed: 0. He's had some flagrant foulds, etc. but nothing too bad.
Bauer: 112...and counting. To be honest, this number seems a little low. It's hard to keep up with how many people Jack has actually merked. Plus, if you add in all the people that Jack has tortured, has ordered tortured, or has killed indirectly, this number could become astronomical. Of course, you do have to weight that against the number of lives he has saved.
Analysis: Hurting people is never good...unless you do it to save the world.
Edge: Bauer.

Most Famous Quotation
'Sheed: 1) Ball don't lie. 2) Cut the check. 3) It was a good game, both teams played hard.
Bauer: Do you trust me?!?!? Do you trust me?!?!?
Analysis: Gotta go with humor over repetition and screaming. 'Sheed might be the best quote in the NBA. But it's close because Jack is just so damn persuasive.
Edge: 'Sheed.

Quality of Enemies
'Sheed: Referees and Power Forwards across the NBA.
Bauer: World class terrorists.
Analysis: Jack faced just about very bad guy you could ever imagine. From crazy Arab fundamentalists to crazy Eastern European fundamentalists to crazy Russian fundamentalists. And people's he's known/loved/slept with have turned on him. Rasheed just has to dunk on fools.
Edge: Bauer.

Compliance with Authority
'Sheed: Holds single-season record for technical fouls.
Bauer: Pisses off everyone at CTU. Pisses off the President.
Analysis: Refs are idiots. Then again, so is President Logan and everyone that works at CTU.
Edge: Even.

Support from Friends
'Sheed: Teammates call him the consummate on court professional and amazing teammate. Teammates love him for giving them wrestling championship belts. Locker room clown.
Bauer: His friends would die for him. Wait a second, his friends have died for him (or because of him - but I'm sure they don't hold Jack responsible). Audrey still wants to bone him even after he killed her husband. Tony, Michelle, and David Palmer also died because of their connection to him. The only ungrateful one is that dumbass Kim.
Analysis: Who doesn't want friends who will take a bullet for them?
Edge: Bauer.

Intangibles
'Sheed: Uncanny ability to hit big shots when they count (especially three pointers). Always willing to drop a funny line on a moments notice.
Bauer: Always finds a way to save the world but bad luck seems to follow him around.
Analysis: Looks like nothing but upside with 'Sheed. Jack's done some amazing stuff, but he's paid the price.
Edge: 'Sheed.

With apologies to the good folks at Need4Sheed, it looks like Jack Bauer is the winner (4-2-1). It was a tough battle throughout. I love Rasheed Wallace as much as the next person (in fact, I love him more...much much more), but this matchup just shows how hard it'll be to take Jack down. Rasheed will just have to settle for destroying fools in the playoffs, winning his second NBA championship, and sipping a cocktail on a beach after the championship parade. So, Jack defends his crown succesfully and 'Sheed will have to make do with winning another NBA championship. Remember 'Sheed fans, there's no use arguing with the result: Blog don't lie.

7 comments:

Natalie said...

Love it.......Blog don't lie!

Natalie said...

Wait I forgot to add......
SHEEDTASTIC!

Anonymous said...

Leaving Robert Horry alone to hit the game-clinching, title-winning three-pointer was very real.

Kirbdaddy said...

great freaking blog...gotta love anything related to comparing Jack Bauer to someone else

Anonymous said...

Sony Teases 3D Playstation 3 now, do you know that?

Anonymous said...

What could happen? If my firewalls are on I get kicked off the server during gameplay if I even get in at all. On the Playstation Site they say to enter port numbers but I may have did that wrong so I just take them off completely but only when I play online. Help?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Playstation two, is it possible to attach the 7" screen to the original thick model or does the 7" screen only be attached to the slim model?